weeble78 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Can moving in together change the dynamics of a relationship? How much can this change the relationship? How do you know if it's the moving in or the relationship that's causing a few bumps? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Moving in together will usually change the relationship. In my opinion mostly it's good, but there may be more conflict due to the fact that you are now sharing space, finances, and spending more time together. I will give you an example of my own. When my husband and I first moved into together we were dating. Prior to that it was long distance while I finished grad school. We saw each other on weekends. Iwould "clean up" for him and make my apartment presentable, because I knew what a neat freak he was. When we moved in together it was harder to hide and we would have arguments over cleaning. We continued to try to come up with a solution that worked for us, we needed to meet half way (myself making more of an effort to clean, my husband not freaking out when I didn't). Things eventually settled down and the arguments stopped when we settled in. So I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't be surprised if there may be something that you disagree or that needs to be worked out when you first move in. If you are both committed to the relationship it is possible to come up with a solution that works for both of you. I think it is important to be realistic that everything might not be heavenly bliss when you first move in. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I'm a big proponent of living together before marriage, precisely because it does change so many dynamics in a relationship. You find out so much about how the other person deals with stressors and conflict, how you work together, how their warts match up with your warts...I lived with two other boyfriends before I met my husband, and am very thankful that I did--if I'd married either of them, we'd have ended up in sheer misery. That being said, the first six months of living together are a big adjustment and notoriously difficult for a lot of couples. It can be hard to give up space and privacy and autonomy, and to learn to compromise. It's probably not a good idea to rush to any rash judgments in the first few months of a living-together experiment, unless something really egregious is going down. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I generally agree with Stung. Having read your other threads, however, I think there's a fair bit of red flags waving. I think it's good to keep addressing those issues explicitly with your bf on a continuous basis, like you started doing yesterday, and monitor closely for results. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 (edited) My experience with moving in together thus far is that it's made things probably 10x easier. Then again, before this we were LDR, and after that in the same town but 40 minutes apart (20 min walk, 10 min bus wait, 10 min bus ride). Also, at least by moving in together we have a whole house so we can get out of each others' face whenever we need to, instead of being cooped up in one room together when we lived apart and I slept over, and having to deal with housemates and dorm rules and stuff. ALSO, being able to sleep on a double bed for once in our effing lives was nice. So, maybe not such a good comparison. Also, we've only been living together for 3 months or so so I suppose it's rather early to comment. Edited February 3, 2011 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Personally I'm not in favour of moving in together. If you're already living together like you're married, what incentive is there to actually get married? I also don't think that living together is a fair trial run of what marriage would be like. If you're married, you're a single unit and you act like it - you make compromises, you put the relationship first and think about what's best for you both, and you make an effort to make it work. If you're living together, you're still two separate units with separate lives, separate finances, no guaranteed future to work towards, no reason to make compromises, and any problems will cause you to abandon the relationship (whereas if you were married you'd be more likely to work through those problems). The question I always ask is: Why would you prefer living together to getting married? Most people say it's because they're not ready to commit yet - but if you're not ready to commit then should you really merge your life with that person's by living with them? Why not keep yourselves disentangled until you're sure you want to be with that person and are ready to commit? Once you're living together it's more difficult to end a bad relationship, and you may even slide into a permanent relationship with an unsuitable person just because you're already living together. On the other hand, if you're already 100% committed to being with that person then why not just marry them instead of living together? In my opinion, when you live together you think of it as a rolling contract which lasts until you change your mind, not as a permanent commitment. Even if you subsequently get married, that mentality of a "rolling contract" tends to persist. Statistics show that couples who live together before marriage are less satisfied with their marriage and more likely to divorce. Personally I'd wait at least until I got engaged before I'd move in with a man - I want a permanent commitment before we live together, because I think that once we move in together and get comfortable that commitment is less likely to happen, and also our relationship is likely to suffer from living together when we're not committed to each other. Just my two cents; I'm sure many people will disagree Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 1. If there's one thing that will most certainly change the dynamic of your relationship, it's moving in. 2. It's not the moving in together that's causing the friction - there is nothing innately friction-causing in moving in with a partner - any friction that comes up is a result of compatability issues with the couple that moved in together. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 I've lived with two guys, an ex and my now-fiance, and I've never experienced any major changes in the relationship or conflicts after moving in together. I feel like if you move in with someone and it's such a big change and you discover all of this stuff about them and go through a bunch of conflict before "settling in"....something is off with the relationship. There are things that you can and should know about someone without living with them. This includes things like cleaning/chores, how they spend their free time, what time they generally go to bed & wake up, etc. And I HATE the idea of living together as a "trail run" before marriage. Living together is NOTHING like being married, even as an unmarried person I know that! I agree with most of what Eeyore said. In particular, the bit about it not making sense that so many people these days entangle their lives and finances by living with someone they aren't ready to fully commit to. Also I absolutely agree that many people stay in a bad relationship due to cohabitation. It's just easier to stay together than to deal with the logistics of someone (or possibly both of them) moving out, having to find new places to live, dividing everything up, blah blah. I truly think that waiting until engagement, or better yet marriage, before living together is best. I never would have moved in with my fiance before we were engaged, and even still I wouldn't have minded waiting until marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
terra Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I wouldn't marry without moving in first. Sure it's harder to end things with someone you live with but a whole lot easier than moving out AND getting a divorce. For me moving in is the next step, if all goes well then move on from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I've lived with two guys, an ex and my now-fiance, and I've never experienced any major changes in the relationship or conflicts after moving in together. I feel like if you move in with someone and it's such a big change and you discover all of this stuff about them and go through a bunch of conflict before "settling in"....something is off with the relationship. There are things that you can and should know about someone without living with them. This includes things like cleaning/chores, how they spend their free time, what time they generally go to bed & wake up, etc. And I HATE the idea of living together as a "trail run" before marriage. Living together is NOTHING like being married, even as an unmarried person I know that! Eh, I think on the MOST PART, there shouldn't be huge surprises when you move in together. But it is possible for there to be a few changes or things that need worked out. Coming to your SO's other place for a few hours and spending the night then leaving the next day is NOT the same as living together. It's possible that the person cleans up prior to their SO coming over..I did! I agree with most of what Eeyore said. In particular, the bit about it not making sense that so many people these days entangle their lives and finances by living with someone they aren't ready to fully commit to. I think most people are okay with cohabitation because they are afraid of getting divorced and figure that breaking up is easier then spending money on a divorce. And even though I lived with my husband before we were engaged, there was no doubt about our committment to one another, neither of us had any plans to break up even when we had arguments. It was a different kind of comittment at the time. I don't know, I guess I feel like those who do not believe in living together before marriage or engagement judge those who are okay with it, whereas those who are okay with cohabitation are more respectful of those who don't believe in it. I'm sure that not ALL people think like this of course. That's just my own observation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Living together is NOTHING like being married, even as an unmarried person I know that! Eh, I would disagree with you there. I lived with my husband when we were dating and engaged and now married. I would say that truthfully nothing is significantly different then when we were not married. Actually it's better because we do not have the stress of planning a wedding and it's more intimate because we are now joined for life. The only thing that truely IS different is that I have a different last name, and we have rings and marriage certificate. I don't think you should be so quick to think that living together isn't like marriage because you haven't actually experienced it. I'll bet when you do marry your fiance, you will see that things really don't change all that much.You'll probably be glad you did it. I sure am. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 weeble, moving in or not is such a personal decision. For some, it's the only way to live. For others like myself, no thanks. Until we got married, I refused to move in with my fiance. No matter how clean and neat a man is, moving in with them ends up to be more work for women. And that's a fact! Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 No matter how clean and neat a man is, moving in with them ends up to be more work for women. And that's a fact! Unless your husband is a crazy OCD nut like mine!!! Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Unless your husband is a crazy OCD nut like mine!!! True! You have the one and only Gary Poppins. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 I guess I feel like those who do not believe in living together before marriage or engagement judge those who are okay with it, whereas those who are okay with cohabitation are more respectful of those who don't believe in it. I have cohabited before, and that's exactly the reason why I don't believe in it and wouldn't do it again. A guy has no motivation to propose marriage once we've already moved in together, and he basically ends up treating me like a wife without making a commitment. That isn't acceptable - I'm no longer prepared to play wifey without a ring on my finger. I don't judge anyone who chooses to cohabit, but in my experience it frequently doesn't lead to marriage. I'm not against cohabitation per se, I'm just not willing to do it because it seems to work against my ultimate goal of getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 weeble, moving in or not is such a personal decision. For some, it's the only way to live. For others like myself, no thanks. Until we got married, I refused to move in with my fiance. No matter how clean and neat a man is, moving in with them ends up to be more work for women. And that's a fact! I don't really notice it to be so. I do a little more cleaning than when I lived alone, but that's balanced by the stuff he does in return. Link to post Share on other sites
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