Abandonment Recovery

[Just Visiting]

I have been reading on Abandonment Recovery (book by Susan Anderson), and wondering if anyone has gone through therapy, or is attending group meetings on this? I have abandonment issues from my childhood and would like to hook up with people who have been through the same thing.

[Arabess]

There are several regulars on LS who could certainly identify with you. I hope they post and are able to me of encouragement to you.

 

My children's Dad left them several years ago with no contact for YEARS. I also worry they will become adults with a great many issues to deal with.

 

Good Luck to you JustVisiting. I think I'll get the book just to read up on this painful issue.

[Fancy]

The Journey From Abandonment To Healing is by far one of the best books I've ever read, and probably the most helpful. I would highly recommend it to anyone. It made me realize that 99% of all the stupid mistakes and stupid choices I've made in my life all come back to my abandonment issues. Knowing the cause set me on the right track.

 

JustVisiting, I've been to counseling over this but have never attended any kind of group therapy thing. If you ever need an ear, feel free to send me a message.

[Just Visiting]

Thanks Arabess and Fancy for replying. Since the break up of my recent relationship, I have been seeing a spiritual counsellor with some success. The Journey from Abandonment has been very insightful for me. When I look back at my teens to today, it seems like I am always getting over someone or a relationship. Now in my early 30s, I am so tired of hanging on to people, situations that only end up feeding this type of "addiction". It is to the point where I don't know how it will be NOT to have something to hurt over.

 

In my head, I know that I am an amazing person, with a lot of great qualities. But getting my heart to accept and feel this is another thing. So this is what I am trying to deal/process/cope with. Has/is anyone going through the same thing?

[Fancy]

I know exactly what you're going through! I could have written those words myself. I'm also in my early 30s and sometimes feel that I'm unable to have a normal, functional relationship with anyone due to my inability to trust. I feel that I'm trusting by nature but when you've been let down, used, and betrayed so often, it tends to make one a bit cynical. When I was in my teens and early 20s I found myself very clingy and needy. Now it seems I'm the opposite. I tend to retreat quite often and "shut down" as my husband calls it. I have an easy time talking to people on a superficial level but it's extremely difficult to form close attachments because I just know the shoe will fall just as I'm getting close and comfortable.

 

I've improved on a lot of levels, but I still have a long road ahead of me. One thing I've been able to do is to rid myself of most of the toxic, unhealthy people in my life (i.e., my mother, "friends" who use me, people who only call when they want or need something, etc., etc.). That's helped me tremendously.

 

My problem with close friendships is this: I feel if I open my heart up to a friend and let her know my innermost thoughts and feelings, I'm only creating an arsonal for her to attack me with later on. I had some horrible experiences with "friends" betraying and exploiting me and I'm loath to open myself up to people, although I truly crave a close girl friend. I'm extremely picky about who I choose to hang out with and I tend to dismiss people without giving them a fair chance if they commit the slightest infraction. I know it's totally wrong, but I'm hypersensitive to mistreatment now. That's something else I'm working on.

 

I could go on and on, but I better stop now. I don't want to sound like I'm too neurotic. LOL

[Just Visiting]

Good for you Fancy in getting rid of toxic people, I am slowly doing that myself. It is not easy....that's for sure.

 

In terms of friendships, I am lucky in that area. I have a lot of support around me. My issue has to do more with relating to males. I am the first to admit that I have difficulty in trusting them. From past experiences, I tend to internally question their motives, feelings, and sometimes actions. I am afraid of getting too involved in case I get hurt. And yet I put my heart into the relationship hoping that THIS TIME, it will be different. I shake my head when I hear myself saying that. So I hear you on the "other shoe dropping" because I think that everytime I start seeing someone. Wondering when the crap is going to start. It is a crazy way to think that's for sure. But for me, it is chronic.

 

Yesterday I had a tough day. I missed my ex soo much and started internalizing on why he left, what's wrong with me, etc. And yet intellectually, I know that he has alot of emotional garbage to deal with, and that he tends to bury his head in the sand. I guess in the book, he can be seen as "emotional candy" and I still miss his presence, i.e., suffering from withdrawls. Do people jump back and forth in the different stages while they are in the healing process?

 

So the whole head vs. heart thing is my main problem. Somedays, my heart aches so much that I panic. That is when I pull out my book and remind myself what is happening.

[Fancy]

Yes, many people jump back and forth during the healing process. You'll read that in tons of threads here. It's very normal to have good days and bad days. One thing I noticed about myself is that times when I'm having "bad days" and missing someone, if I search a little deeper I come to realize that it's not the person I'm missing but someone or something else from long ago. Sometimes it's just more convenient (in a way) to focus on the ex rather than get to the root of what's truly causing you to feel unworthy and unlovable. How long ago was your breakup?

[Just Visiting]

We officially broke up 9 months ago. The relationship lasted about 7 months. It was short and intense. We started living together about a month or so into the relationship. At the time, we were both so happy and couldn't believe how awesome we related. I was apprehensive at first because it seemed to go pretty fast, but like I said before, I was hoping that THIS TIME, it will work out. So I threw my heart into it. It felt soo good to have someone who wanted to be with me.

 

About a month before we broke up, he decided to go on a roadtrip as he wasn't having any luck finding a job. I was the main breadwinner at the time, and I can tell it bothered him. Every cell in my body wanted me to scream, and tell him to stay. But I thought that if I did, it would push him farther away. So I supported his decision and prayed for the best.

 

Before we became involved, he just left a common-law relationship in which they shared two small children. He assured me when we started seeing each other that he will be honest in what is going on with her, the kids, etc. Also, that he couldn't go back to that relationship as it was a difficult one.

 

Needless to say, while on his roadtrip, I found out through mutual acquaintances that he was trying to get back with his ex. Having him leave was devastating, but to find out that he was trying to reconcile with her without telling me just added to the pain. He barely called while away so I had to break up with him via email.

 

The love for him is still there, but to have been disrespected in that way, reminds me that he is someone who is not able to be open and honest. That was my first time living with someone and the memories of a year ago are still fresh in my mind. I remember him repeatedly telling me that he loves me, even spoke about marriage, making a permanent commitment. I shake my head now because I know that he isn't able to do that, not with me, or anyone. Not in the truest sense. After our break-up, people have told me he has cheated repeatedly. And from what I understand of their relationship, it is a codependent one. To hear that explains alot. It does ease some of the hurt, but not all of it.

 

I find myself jealous now because they moved back together, and have the "family" again. That was what I wanted for us and feel ripped off. I think that he has her to go to, and I don't have that type of partner. I know I am a great woman with a lot to share(the head thing again). People see me as a bright, happy, independent young woman with a great job, future, and outlook. Many don't understand that I am a scared little girl inside who has been hurt, disappointed, and betrayed too many times.

 

I freeze up when it comes to men. The thought of having to go through that again scares me. I want that emotional closeness, and yet I am afraid of it. The Journey from Abandonment to Healing has made me see that I am not the only one who has this affliction. All of my relationships have been me trying to attain emotionally unavailable men. Trying to support them while they are having a tough time coping with different areas of their life. Thinking that my love and support will make everything better. Then, it is over and I feel abandoned. I ask myself why they didn't stay, why didn't they want to try harder to make it work.

 

I do question myself, my own judgement on how I allowed this to happen. What's inside me that keeps bringing these situations and people into my life? Why am I the one who has to be the "stronger" one? Why do I have this need to focus on the other person's problems? Why am I afraid of NOT having anything or anyone to be hurt or worry about?

 

I know with my ex, it is not my fault. He did what he did. I understand that I do have some responsibility. And this why I am here, looking for advise, strength, support, etc.. This post is longer than I expected...lol.

[Fancy]

When I read your words I see so much of myself in them. Believe me when I tell you I know exactly what you're going through. I was hurt deeply by a man too. The circumstances were a bit different, but he told me the very same words your guy told you. The next thing I knew, poof, he was gone. It left me raw and ragged and to this stay I still bear the scars. I can tell you, it takes time. A lot of time. The good news, though, is that you will heal from this and you'll be smarter for the experience.

 

I feel like I've allowed people to squeeze the very best out of me and then toss me aside. I am determined never to let that happen again and like I said before, I'm very, very picky about who I hang out with and share myself with.

 

I encourage you to read this book over and over and really gain an understanding of why you've made the choices you have. When you can recognize it and catch yourself doing it, you'll be able to put a halt to it before you get hurt again.

[Just Visiting]

Thanks Fancy...it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who has been through this type of experience. I have been carrying Susan Anderson's book with me everywhere. There are times when my feelings overwhelm me and I start to panic. Like the other day, I missed him so much, I miss his companionship. Luckily my best friend talked it over with me. And she helped me bring things a little more into focus. I have to keep reminding myself that it is going to take time, and what I am feeling is normal. I fall into that mind trap of "just get over it already and move on". That seems to make the situation worse.

 

When I look back at my past, whenever there was a falling out with a friend or boyfriend, it was usually me who would make the first move to reconcile. I thought by doing that, I am a good person, even though deep down I am still hurting and looking for their approval. Like I am being abandoned again. If we resume the relationship, then it means that I am a good, forgiving person. Some people have hurt me so deeply and yet they don't make the first move to talk it out. Now I have to get out of that approval-seeking habit of making the first move. I need to remind myself that it's okay not to go after them in order to make myself feel better. It's so hard I tell ya.

 

Which exercises in the book have you found the most useful? At the moment, I am looking to get in touch with that sad, little girl inside. She tends to run and hide when I want to talk...lol.

[Fancy]

Are you speaking of the "making a new connection" part? If so, I think the most helpful for me has been stepping outside my usual experiences. I still have a tremendously hard time opening up to people and there's no way in hell I'm ready to share my innermost thoughts with someone new. I don't see that happening for quite a while. Reading through Stage 3 and Stage 4 was beneficial for me because I seemed to go back and forth between the two for a long time.

 

I really feel that keeping busy in a great healer. Missing your ex is totally understandable but being active allows your heart to heal faster. That's been my experience, anyway.

[Just Visiting]

I find I tend to go back and forth between Stage 2 and 3. There are times when I feel like I jump all across the board and then back again...lol.

 

I have been pursuing interests with more gusto lately. I attend the gym with a good friend of mine about 4-5 times a week, I am taking on crafts, and just being open to any invitations, opportunites that come my way. Spring is here so that is another good motivator to get up and do things.

 

I know there will be a day when I run into my ex, I just want to be on strong emotional footing by then. Being able to come here and vent or ask questions has helped alot. Friends and family have been trying to fix me up but my heart isn't into it at the moment. There are things I want to learn and figure out before I get back into the dating game. I always figure that God will bring me someone when I am ready.

[Fancy]

Yes, He certainly will do that! There's nothing wrong with being alone for a while and doing a little self-discovery. The last thing you need right now is to enter into another relationship and start repeating your childhood actions again. I think you need time to understand yourself and why you're drawn to this type over and over again. Until you're able to understand if fully, you'll never be able to discern between the good and the bad with men.

 

If and when you see him again, I think you should have you head held high, give him a big warm smile and keep on moving! If it's over, it's over. There's no need to reopen any wounds. You'll be proud of yourself for doing so.

[Just Visiting]

Last night I was looking back at my childhood to find what brings on my feelings of abandonment. I realize that it wasn't a particular incident, but many small ones. Like a small ball that has been building and building over the years.

 

I am the caboose of eight children, and my parents were still young (mom was 26, and dad was 33) when I came along. I am now 33 and the idea of raising eight children is scary. So imagine how my parents felt with that amount of responsibility, especially without all the conveniences of today. Also, both my parents came from homes that had spousal abuse, problem-drinking, cheating, and abandonment. I am slowly understanding why they haven't been able to give me all the love and support while growing up. They have been so mixed up in their own emotional baggage and didn't realize that they are passing it down to us. I have to thank God for my life, I could have turned far worse than I am now.

 

For the moment, I am gonna let this new understanding sink in. All my life I have been sitting with arms stretched out, waiting for someone to love me. But now I am starting to see that if I become dependent on another person for love, then I will be disappointed. Like I have been all these years.

 

What realizations have you made during your journey of healing Fancy?

[Fancy]

Well, one of the things I've learned is that if I don't love myself, no one else will love me. I was abused and neglected a lot as a child and was denied some of the most basic and simple needs as a human being. I realize that I can never get any of that from my parents. My dad is dead and I have absolutely no contact with my mother.

 

One thing I wanted so badly when I was in the second grade was a 64-count box of crayons (the box with the sharpener in the back). I never asked for much because I knew I'd never get it, but those crayons were an exception. I wanted them like I'd ever wanted anything before. I begged and begged my mother to buy me a box and she flatly refused. I appealed to my dad but he just deferred to her (as usual). Their flippant attitude made me feel like I wasn't worth the $1 those crayons cost.

 

Well, a few years ago, I was in Walmart and came across those crayons. I opened the box and inhaled the scent of them. It hit me then that I could buy a box now. Heck, I could buy the whole display! I put them in my cart and they now sit, unused, right here on my desk.

 

The moral of that little story is this: You can't make others love you, nor can you make others give to you what you've lacked in the past. However, the good news is, you can love and nurture yourself. I've learned to do things to treat and pamper myself......i.e., going to the gym, getting a pedicure, getting a new haircut, etc. I'm now doing what I can on my own to nurture and love that little girl inside who's still starving for love and direction.

[Just Visiting]

Originally posted by Fancy

I'm now doing what I can on my own to nurture and love that little girl inside who's still starving for love and direction.

 

I like that. Never saw it in that context before. From now on, I am going to start lavishing love and attention on that little girl inside. Especially when she has a bout of sadness, anger, or pain. She has been though a lot.

 

You are right in loving myself first. Because having someone else's love is just ICING on the cake.

 

Today is a good day.

[Fancy]

Good for you! You know more than anyone what your needs are and what the voids in your life are. If it's encouragement you lacked as a child, give it to yourself. If it's attention you lacked, pay attention to yourself (i.e. make a list of all your good qualities, pay attention to your grooming, keep your body fit and healthy, etc.). I've discovered that there's a lot of things I can give to myself. So often we go out of the way to please others, so why not please ourselves? When I'm feeling "needy" instead of running to someone to "fix me" I try to pinpoint exactly why I'm feeling that way and see if there's something I can do for myself to ease that feeling. It's empowering for me and makes me more self-reliable.

 

I don't know if you're a religious person or not, but I am, and I'll share something that my counselor told me. I've gone through a lot of shame and humiliation because of my mother's actions, the poverty I grew up in, the way the house was so rundown and nasty, and the way my mother totally embarrassed me at every opportunity. My counselor told me that as a Christian, I am royalty in the eyes of God. My sins are covered under the blood of Jesus, Jesus is a king, and since I'm a child of God, I'm royalty and should consider myself such. Now don't get me wrong.......he didn't mean that I should act like I'm better than others or anything like that. What he meant was.......I'm worthy. We're each so worthy that God sent His only son to die for our sins. Because of that, we should never put ourselves down or feel shame for our past. I can't explain it as good as my counselor did, but it really made sense to me at the time and I've tried to remember it.

[Just Visiting]

It is interesting that you brought religion up. The other night as I was looking at my childhood to find what brings up the feelings of unworthiness and abandonment. It was like this little voice popped up in my head. It kept repeating that I am a child of God. It also said that when I love myself, I am loving God. And that my ex isn't the man for me. My religious background is Native Canadian traditional, but I always explored aspects of different religions as well. Creator/God/Buddha etc all sit at the same table. They all want love and happiness for everyone.

 

Adding to the religious aspect, I saw that movie "The Passion of the Christ" with my best friend over a month ago. That was such an eye-opening, tormenting experience. We left the movie theatre emotionally and physically exhausted. Everyone has a different view/opinion of this movie. For myself, I saw with my own eyes what Jesus endured for mankind. It may not have showed the whole story but it was good enough for me to appreciate the meaning of love and life.

 

It was a year ago that my ex and I were moving into a new apartment. We were both happy to have our own "place". It makes me sad. Sometimes it is almost like a dream. The attachment to him is still there. My best friend said that he knows what he has done is wrong. And that he probably misses and thinks of me too. But he also knows that I wouldn't put up with his hiding, lying, and cheating. So he went back to where he knows it is safe. With his now-again common-law wife who is willing to put up with all that garbage.

 

Anyway, when you spoke about giving myself what other people are unable to give...it really hit home. I have a little girl to take care of. I carry a picture of myself when I was five years old. It reminds me of where I come from, who and what is important.

 

Thanks Fancy, you are helping me more than you can imagine. I look forward to reading your replies.

[Fancy]

Thank you. I'm glad I'm able to help you.

 

I think your friend is right in what she said regarding your ex. For some people, being accountable isn't safe for them so they go back to relationships or living situations where albeit dysfunctional, they feel safe.

 

I've been there sooooooo many times myself. I grew up surrounded by so much unstability, drama and dysfunction that I didn't know what a healthy relationship was! If I met someone who was grounded, polite, and had a plan for his life, I found him incredibly boring and dull. I was always drawn to two types of men. One was the type of man who was sullen, withdrawn, unemotional and quiet (just like my dad) and the other type of man I was drawn to was the player type who gave me the [/i]impression[/i] I was special to him, but never took any action to prove it. He was always slipping through my fingers. I would go to great lengths to gain his attention and approval and show him that I was worthy. Wow, what a complete waste of time! I see now that all I was doing was recreating my childhood relationships and trying to accomplish something in my adult life that I was never able to do growing up. When I could piece it all together and fully understand what I was doing, I was able to put an end to it. I can't say that I don't fall back into that from time to time, but I'm better able now to recognize it and stop it.

 

From all you've said, it seems that you've grown quite a bit since the breakup. I understand the attachment you still have, but is the attachment to him? Do you honestly miss someone who treated you that way? Or, are you missing the idealistic dream you had? Knowing what you know now, and seeing how far you've come, would you seriously consider taking him back if the opportunity were to present itself? Could you trust him? Could you depend on him? Wouldn't you just be putting yourself back into that "fear of abandonment" situation again?

 

I believe that the more you take care of that little girl inside and give her the love and nurturing she needs, the less you'll think about your ex and the more you'll see the situation for what it truly is.

[Just Visiting]

I saw myself in your words again. I find myself NOT attracted to men who have their act together, and attracted to ones who are in similar situations like my ex. I would find myself seeking attention from men who were not right for me. Because if I did, then it would mean that I am worthy. I admit that if or when my ex makes contact, a part of me would be like, "He wants to talk to me, so he thinks I am still worthy." Talk about self-defeating. That definitely needs to change.

 

When I look further into my attachment for him, it would do more with the good times and what COULD HAVE BEEN. I never shared myself with another man as much as I did with him. In a lot of instances, he was my first. He has a lot of qualities that I am looking for in a partner. But he severely lacked in the ones that I value the most, trust, honesty, and respect. And that is such a huge disappointment. So you are right in saying in that I am still attached to the idea of us settling down together. I am the first to admit that.

 

Knowing what I know now about his emotional tendencies, behaviour, and patterns. I wouldn't take him back. I still love the essence of him, but all that outer ego baggage has gotten in the way.

 

The last time we spoke via email, we agreed to be friends. His last reply had an almost angry tone. Saying that he doesn't think about it much anymore because it is in the past. Like he wanted to sweep it under the rug. That does bother me a bit but reminded myself that it is his way of coping. He doesn't want to be accountable. There is nothing I can say or do to change him. It is not my responsibility. Now whenever I start to feel sad or angry, I tell myself that I am hurting my little girl.

[Fancy]

I think that in our situations, as little kids we tried to comfort ourselves my dreaming of a way out. In our dreams we had this ideal of what a man will be like, how we'll be treated, etc., etc. That seldom pans out but we still continue to cling to that hope. Many grown women still have little girl dreams. The fact is, you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear. In other words, your ex is what he is and you can't change that. I think intelectually you know that, but your heart wants to challenge that at times.

 

As I'd mentioned before, when you're used to a lot of drama, a stable man can seem incredibly boring. That's something that's really hard to break, too. Drama is addictive and so is the challenge of trying to "fix" a man. It's something you have to really be conscious of and at some point you're going to have to force yourself to date a stable man.

 

Since breaking up with your ex, have you dated at all? Is there anyone out there you're particularly interested in?

[Just Visiting]

There is no one in particular that I am interested in. And I haven't dated since my ex. I think it is due to the emotional candy and drama that I am accustomed to. The nice ones seem dull. But just this afternoon, I stepped out of my shell and asked a friend out for lunch tomorrow. Now the panic is kicking in. All these "what ifs" are creeping up. And yet I know that it is only for a friendly lunch. So strange.

 

You are so right about dreaming a way out. I sometimes imagine what I would do if my ex asked me back, or if he came back and professed his undying love and devotion. That will go back to the "knight in shining armor or love conquers all" mentality. It would be my way of trying to escape reality. It is going to take me a long time to get out of that mental habit.

 

How was it dating your now husband? Was it a lot of push and pull? When I was with my ex, at first he was the one expressing his feelings and I held back. Then when I started expressing my feelings, it was fine for awhile, but then he pulled back and now here we are. Almost like he was afraid of experiencing real love and commitment. People are funny creatures.

[Fancy]

My husband hates drama of any kind and I've brought more than my fair share of it to the relationship. He always calls me a drama queen, and I must admit, I can be at times. It's something I'm really working on, though. Sometimes I get worn out with myself, you know? He likes things peaceful and on an even keel. That's been extremely hard for me to deal with at times, but the older I get, the more I'm finding I enjoy drama-free times. He's very grounded and stable and exactly what I need in my life......although I've felt a lot of boredom at times. It's kinda like food........you know if you eat the super supreme pizza it's going to give you heartburn but you end up choosing it over the chicken soup, even though the chicken soup sits well on your stomach. Oh, the ways we knowingly punish ourselves!!!

 

I'm glad that you realize these fantasies of your ex becoming so great are merely ways of escaping reality. Surely you know that when you reason this thing out, things would be exactly as they were before--only probably worse.

 

Good luck to you tomorrow at your lunch! I hope things go well. Try to relax and enjoy yourself and not overanalyze things too much while you're there. We can do that here later. LOL!

[Just Visiting]

Well, I just got back from my lunch date. It was fun. He works in television as a writer/producer so there was a lot to talk about. This is weird, but I kind of feel guilty. Like I am "cheating". And yet, my ex is with his own family, living his life. Do you know what I mean? Can it be another way to hang on to what is no longer there? Like you said Fancy, I wear myself out with all these thoughts and questions. LOL.

 

Are there other books, exercises that you have tried? I found Guy Finley to be helpful as well.

[Fancy]

You are not cheating! Give yourself permission to enjoy yourself and have fun with someone new. I think you've gotten accustomed to grieving over your ex and you feel uncomfortable experiencing anything to the contrary. You're going to have to force yourself to refrain from this kind of thinking. It's unhealthy and will only serve to keep you in a sad place.

 

I can't really think of any other exercises I did, other than letting time take its course and thinking it out in my mind. Did I ever mention to you about making a pros and cons list? I may have, but I'm too lazy to scroll up and check. LOL

 

Anyway, in case I haven't, one thing that really helped me was to sit down and make a list. On one side of the page I listed all the pros about him and the relationship and on the other side I listed all the cons. Believe me, the cons outweighed the pros by a large margin. If you do this, be sure to list every single time he lied, every single time he made you cry, every single time he let you down, and every single time he made you feel like less than you are.

 

One more thing.........pretend your situation was your best friend's situation. Pretend you know all the ends and outs of the relationship. What would you advise her to do? If your best friend were in your exact same position, would you tell her to hang on and keep wasting precious time on unproductive thoughts? Or would you tell her to make the best out of what she's got in her life and find someone new--someone worthy of her? I think it really helps to step outside your situation and see it from another point of view. It's the only way you can really be logical about it.

 

Are you going to see this new guy again? Have you two made any plans?