Abandonment Recovery

[Just Visiting]

I saw my ex yesterday at a cultural gathering on Saturday (yesterday). I had a feeling he would be there, but I didn't want to let that ruin an otherwise enjoyable road trip. My sister and her husband asked me to join them so I accepted without hesitation.

 

When I first saw him, I felt somewhat panicky and weak inside. It has been just over two months since I last saw him at another cultural gathering. Later on in the day, while I was paying for my purchase at one of the booths, he walked by. I didn't know he did until my sister mentioned it afterwards, she was standing beside me at the time. I am glad I didn't notice him.

 

Later on, while supper was being served, I wanted to get a little "ego dig" in. I pretended to walk around the area looking for a garbage can. I made sure he saw me as he was sitting at a table not too far from the can. There were alot of people around so I just casually strolled around, checked out the booths, and looked totally at peace. I then turned around and started to skip a bit in the opposite direction. I wanted him to see that despite what has happened between us, I am not going to let it slow me down. We will be running into each other a lot this summer at various cultural events. I figure that I saw him yesterday for a reason. To learn to get over him and enjoy myself with other people.

 

Also, while at the mall, I bought a book called "Men Who Can't Love, How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart" by Steven Carter & Julia Skobol. After reading some of the book, my ex is a classic case of commitmentphobia. Slathers on the charm until he wins you over, then starts to be overwhelmed with fear, then pulls the disappearing act. I am slowly getting out of the doldrums in regards to our relationship. "Chatting" with you, reading the posts, books, and basically talking out my feelings have helped so much these past few weeks. Like my best friend said the other day, there will be a time when I will look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking, why would I hurt myself over someone like that, it is just the process of getting there.

 

As for the new guy, he wanted to get together whenever I got back from the cultural event. We have talked pretty much every evening. I decided not to call him last night because I wanted to sit back and reflect on the day's events. I also don't want to jump into anything new just yet. My two previous relationships started off pretty quick and I really don't want that to happen again. Am I being neurotic? I am not sure. I just want to take my time.

[Fancy]

No, you're not being neurotic at all! You're being very smart and savvy. Men don't like women who come on too strong or appear needy and I think it's perfectly fine for you to take a day off from talking on the phone. You're wise not to jump into anything too quickly. I think you need to take your time and get to know this man well before giving him your heart. Make sure he meets your standards and is worthy of you. No, that's not being a princess; that's being an intelligent, responsible woman.

 

I'm VERY proud of the way you conducted yourself yesterday. You go, girl! I'm so glad you didn't cave in. You proved to him that you can go on and that you indeed have gone on. I'm sure it must have eaten away at him, and that's a good thing! See how wonderful it feels to be in control and be strong? Hold on to that feeling and cling to it every time you feel your resolve start to weaken. There's no pride in groveling, but much pride in holding your head high.

 

I read the book you mentioned. It's a good one! You'll gain a lot of information. Your best friend is exactly right--one day you will indeed look back on all this and say to yourself, "OMG, how could I have wasted so much time and energy thinking about that creep?" Unfortunately, it's a process we must all go through.

[Just Visiting]

Yes, it did feel great doing that to my ex yesterday. Even my brother-in-law said the same thing you did. He is probably keeping his eye out for me (we left the event a little after my little "show), and that he is probably eating his heart out. Good. It is pretty juvenile....but who cares. LOL.

 

So far, this book is right on the money in regards to commitmentphobia. For a woman, she can't help but wonder what made him change all of a sudden. She can't help but wonder what she can do to make him the way he was when they first started out. But it is all based on HIS fears. Like I said, we were the classic case. I still miss the companionship but I am realizing that all the pain is not worth it. Especially for someone who is so wrapped up in themselves.

[Fancy]

Better you know this now rather than invest even more time in a dead end relationship. People who have commitmentphobia rarely change. If they do, you're usually too old by then to even care.

 

The more you put yourself out there, the more you read your books, the more you soul search, and the more time passes, you'll realize how wrong he is for you and how much better off you are without him. Peruse through some other topics on this board and you'll read dozens of posts about how someone went back to an ex and lived to regret it. They crumble in a moment of weakness, loneliness, or insecurity, but you know what? They only end up more lonely, weak, and insecure than they were before their relapse.

 

You're on a great road right now. Keep yourself focused on the future and move past yesterday. I can almost guarantee you that if you had him back, within a week you'd be regretting it. You've grown and evolved way past him now. As Dr. Laura would say, this is a good thing!

 

You know what a bad relationship is like. Now it's time to look for a good one. Decide what your standards are in a relationship and don't settle for 1% less than what you deserve. If that means you're alone for a bit, so be it. Use that time to nurture yourself, as we've discussed previously. Doing so will only prepare you even more for Mr. Right.

[Just Visiting]

OMG Fancy....I couldn't put the "Men Who Can't Love" book down. I swear my jaw was sitting on the floor for most of the evening. EVERYTHING he has said and done, including my reactions, were discussed in the book. I wish I came across this book a year ago. At least I would have been able to handle myself and the situation with a better outlook. Live and learn I figure.

 

Thanks for replying to my messages. I read the other posts and feel their pain as well. It is amazing what we go through thinking that it is "love". How much we are wanting to believe, to feel that love. I still have a ways to go, but realizing that I am on the right path.

[Fancy]

I'm glad that you're doing better. I can see an improvement in you in the past couple of weeks that you've been posting here. It's good to get some insight and direction instead of feeling like you're floundering around without a clue as to what you need to be doing.

 

I felt the same thing when I read that book. It's as if the author had been spying on my love life and taking notes. LOL

 

What about the new guy? Have you made contact with him in the past few days?

 

Also, about your parents........what's your relationship with them like at this point? Do you see them?

[Just Visiting]

I am doing much better. What I am feeling now is of stupidity and some regret. Thinking, "How did I allow myself to be lead on like that?", thoughts along that line.

 

I am not too sure about the new guy. We are each other's MSN and chat sometimes. He is very nice, but what exactly do I want out of it? I am just really starting to heal, and I don't want to start anything too fast. To be honest, I think I am scared of getting into another romantic relationship. And I don't know how to handle it.

 

I get along with my parents very well. I call them about once a week to let them know how I am doing. It's funny, we don't say "I love you", but I say it to my best friend. Since I turned 33 in February, I have become more grateful for them. When they were around my age, they had to raise eight children and keep a roof over our heads. No doubt it hasn't been easy for them, especially both coming from tough upbringings. I look at my childhood compared to other friends and relatives, and I got it pretty damn good.

 

My Mom said the sweetest thing to me on the phone yesterday. She said "I was thinking about you." And I replied, "Why? What did I do?". She said "Nothing, I think about you everyday." She rarely says things like that. I am thinking of sending my Mom and Dad a card letting them know I am fine. I get the feeling that she knew that I was going through something these past few months, but didn't say anything or ask any questions. I am glad they didn't, because I didn't have any answers.

 

There is still some pain in my heart, but these past couple of weeks have been amazing. They have really helped me see things in a better way for myself. I prayed to God for it to happen. I know I can't change other people's actions or minds, so I want to change mine.

 

I do get the feeling that my ex will find a reason to make contact someday. We did agree to be friends, but now I am not so sure I even want that. The "Men Who Can't Love" said that these type of men usually find some sort of lifeline to hang on. May it be by keeping personal articles of yours, whatever. He has my university backpack, a very nice one too. What happened between us was devastating for me. To be left like that was something I thought would never happen. Whenever I visualize him, I just shake my head. What a waste.

[Fancy]

Personally, I think the whole "let's be friends" thing is nothing more than lip service and I think it's a bad idea. Five years down the road--maybe, but at this point I think it would be bad for you and could possibly cause you to backslide. Think about it..........is he really friend material? Friends are people whom you can trust and count on and he's proven you wrong on both of them. I think any contact with him would only serve to give you false hope and hang on to unrealistic expectations that he will never be able to fill. That's just my opinion, though...........

 

I'm happy to hear that you have a good relationship with your parents now. That's really wonderful. I was a little surprised to read that, given the fact that you can trace your abandonment issues back to them. It shows a lot of strength on your part that you're able to realize they did the best they could, given their circumstances.

 

Your fear of a new relationship is certainly understandable. I know when I got taken in like I did, I felt like the most ignorant woman alive and to this day I'm still reeling from it. I have a tremendously hard time being close to people and I feel like I walk through life with my arms out in front of me in the "don't get too close" position. I've always prided myself on common sense and being able to look at things reasonably but when I dropped the ball like I did, it gave my confidence quite a blow. I suspect that you simply don't want to be taken for a fool again, thus your reluctance to get involved with another man. Believe me, I completely understand where you're coming from.

 

One thing you have to remember, though, is that this new guy isn't your ex. He may be a perfectly legitimate, wonderful man. Don't make him pay for the mistakes another person made. There will come a time when you're ready to love again. The new guy may or may not be the one, but don't be too quick to write him off, okay?

[Just Visiting]

Yeah, now I understand my ex behaved that way was because of his commitmentphobia. And the book is right, a woman can easily blame herself or feel humiliated. I am feeling pretty humiliated right now. So I know what you mean when you felt like you were the most ignorant woman around. I feel that way as well.

 

For me, the saddest part is is that he will just continue to play the game with women. I have been secretly hoping that what we had would make him realize that there is such a thing as sharing a good life. In the truest sense. But now I know that what we had never really fazed him. It is business as usual.

 

It has taken me awhile to accept my childhood and the way I was treated. Like I said, turning 33 and the thought of having eight children to raise made me look at things a different way. I have just come into this way of looking at my parents about a month ago.

 

You are right about the new guy. I have been already questioning myself on him. So far things are going well, and yet I am feeling some panic. For instance, yesterday he said that he will call last night. While I was working on some crafts last night, I was kinda hoping he wouldn't call, and yet expecting for him to. Well, he didn't call. So when he messaged me this morning through MSN, I was kinda standoffish. There is something there that I need to step back and look at. It may be that I am used to drama and looking for ways to create it. Does that make any sense?? LOL.

[Fancy]

Ahh, drama! I thrived off of that for many years. I'm finally coming to a point in my life where I don't need it like I did. In fact, I even find myself at times avoiding situations where there might be even a chance of it happening. The job I have provides a lot of drama and I'm learning to enjoy the adrenaline rush there and not bring it home.

 

The thing about your ex is.......even though you may know what you brought to the relationship and what you had to offer him, that doesn't mean he'll ever catch on. Men can be hopelessly clueless sometimes and even when you spell something out for them, they don't always get it. What you need to realize is that it's his loss. The failure of the relationship is no reflection on you as a woman or as a human being. You can second guess and analyze until you're blue in the face, but the end result is the same. I've said it before, but it bears repeating.......you're way too evolved and mature for this guy. He would never be able to give you what you desire and deserve from a relationship. That on-again/off-again stuff is for the birds, and so is wondering if he really loves you and wants to be with you for the long haul. You deserve to have someone whom you know 150% without a doubt loves you and will be there. He's not that one. I think perhaps you've romanticized the thoughts of him until you've convinced yourself he was more than he actually is. I think you cognatively know what's he's all about, but a part of you deep inside still wants to hold on to the hope that he's going to be your knight in shining armor.

 

Did the new guy pick up on your reluctance this morning?

[TazmaGurl]

Hey you two...

 

By reading your posts I can place myself in your shoes almost completely in every way except for religion and well... I don't think I was ever really "abandoned"

 

Somehow, though, the feelings you two are sharing relate to feelings that I get almost every day around regular people and situations. I do take medication for a Bipolar disorder, and perhaps thats where I am relating my feelings.

 

Feeling alone against the world and a desperation to grab and hold on tight to my husband for security and to feel somewhat useful and needed in this world -- It may be uncomfortable, and it hurts... But its also something I have convinced myself is harsh reality for me. I have tried counseling to no good end, I just don't beleive what they tell me. I always thought I had a fairly open mind too.

 

Another point, perhaps I have been this way for so long, been shot down whenever I tried to get up that it seems unworthy of the effort anymore to even try. Whats hardest, though... is the fact that, in my world, I am the only one who feels this way. Constantly needing affection/approval and apologizing to people for things that are not my fault... In any case, I just wanted to thank you both for the informative reading.

 

I think I will definatly grab that book in any case it can't hurt.

 

 

Tazmagurl

[Fancy]

Well hello there! Welcome to our little discussion.

 

You aren't the only one who feels that way. I'm sure there's dozens of people here (and elsewhere) who feel exactly the way you do. Needing affection and approval is a basic human need. Unfortunately, some of us didn't get the amount we needed during our developmental years and therefor we tend to operate at a deficit throughout the rest of our lives. Some days I flip-flop between wanting to please everyone and wanting to tell the whole world to kiss my grits. I'm not the people pleaser I once was, but I still have a long ways to go yet.

 

Even if you haven't been abandoned, I think the book might benefit you.

[Just Visiting]

I found the book to be very helpful, plus the "Men Who Can't Love". They have certainly opened my eyes. You are right Fancy, a part of me is still romanticizing him as the "knight in shining armour". It's a mental habit.

 

The good thing out of all this is that I am more aware of how I think of myself, other people, and situations. They usually say that is the first step. It hasn't been easy and I don't think I will ever be done.

 

As for the new guy, he didn't pick up on me being standoffish. I think we don't know each other well enough yet. So we will see how things go.