This is My Story and I am Sticking To It ! !

[Arieltke]

This all led downhill so fast. Past emotions were stirred up quickly and I all but could not help myself but get caught up in them. I am being blamed for calling myself a victim. I do see myself as a victim here. I don’t see this relationship as being abusive in any way. I don’t see this relationship as lacking love. Rather I see this relationship as a stepping stool for one person to blossom from a worm to a butterfly and now a nasty snake. That’s a weird transformation. But nature does make its own paths.

 

I am not calling myself blameless. I share some of the blame. I did smoke, and I did not hang around all the time and I did not take showers every single night. But these things are not things to end marriages. These are indicators that one side was not fully committed to the other. At the end of the day, EVERYDAY, I knew where my home was and I went to it. I never strayed and well I was happy. Unfortunately we cannot say the same for the other side who was living lets say, for a paycheck.

 

And that brings up my other point. The urgent need to pay bills. Separation of accounts. Needlessness of distance. This only shows me there was never a complete bond that untied us. It shows me that there was a half bond to start. When she packed my bags and put them at the door I saw that she was never set to make the relationship work. Any flaw that I have can be changed and corrected. Any flaw that she has comes from nature. And nature is a nasty bitch to mess with.

 

See, I knew it was time to move on when I walked into my house and saw that she had strategically placed all my belongings, that she did not want, in luggage by the front door. This was not more than three days after I had left the house. When I went to the bedroom set. The spaces that were mine were already filled with her clothes. My spaces in the bathroom, already taken up with her toiletries, pictures, that she felt like giving back, were packed away. She had erased me from her visible memory in less than two days. And that was heartbreaking. It was emotionally devastating to know that I had invested 4 years of my life into this relationship and she could erase me so easily.

 

But in this narrative I have to try to be equal so I will establish my faults. Throughout our relationship I did not demand that we lead a strict marriage. I always tried to let her make her own decisions on every topic. I knew that when she was married at just 18 she was going to grow in and out of everything several times, including me. I knew that I had to continue having fun with my life. I didn’t want to settle down and have the kids until 27 or 28. But I saw something in this girl that I wanted to keep around. Boy was I wrong. After about three months the anger started coming out… Oh wait this is to exploit my faults. Yes my faults. Well I am a puffer. And I do that almost every night. That is my major malfunction I believe. At least in her eyes I believe that’s it.

 

And I spend time with a friend of mine Tim. Not as much time as she perceives but time. And the shower bit. I think its overplayed, but, showers no not every night. But at least every other night. I don’t use the phone much. I don’t like calling people to tell them where I am. Only if I need them or if I am in trouble. I guess that is part of my personality. Kind of introvert. Maybe that’s why I can write so well. My brain is always on the move. Its nothing I do on purpose, it’s just something that happens. I don’t do dishes or laundry. And that’s it. I swear to that. Oh yeah. There was one night when I grabbed her ankle and punched it because she flicked my ear. That is the closest I ever came to hitting her. I feel to this day so bad for doing that. I don’t know what happened. I think I hate getting flicked in the ear and on the nose. And she hit a spot. So I grabbed her ankle and punched it like 3 times. Not as hard as I could, but not soft. I didn’t know what to say about that. I couldn’t even apologize I felt so stupid. She was scared of me. Got mad and hit me several times across the chest and back. She blew it out of proportion but I really did feel stupid about it. I couldn’t even apologize. In that situation I had options 1) just apologize, 2) ask her what would happen if I flicked her in the butt 3) Try to make a joke out of it. Well I did neither of them. I was in shock. If any body ever reads this that doesn’t me. That behavior was so out of character I had to sleep in another room for 3 days just to ask myself what I was doing. I was totally embarrassed by the whole situation. It was just an ankle, but she took it seriously. Looking back on the situation she did blow it out of proportion. Anytime I would flick her in the butt she would start slapping me in the head and on the face. And that’s for any flick in the butt. Just because she didn’t like her “buttons pushed”. I never blew that out of proportion. I guess that’s just the difference between a man and a woman. Unless you have been slapped by those pythons she has for arms.

 

Blameless. Yes we are not all blameless. We all have to shoulder some blame on this. I remember when I stopped smoking for a while. It was for her. To improve our relationship. See there are a lot of things I still have to learn about in life. Never do anything health wise for anybody. Your health is for you. My father quit smoking cigarettes as an example for me. But here I am smoking away. Now that is great for him he needed to quit. But he should have done it for himself. Because I have taken his gift and thrown it to the wind by abusing my lungs with the same vice. But anyhow. That’s another story. I stopped smoking about a year ago. It’s when we were having problems. The bed became cold. And I started to notice that she did not want to be with me anymore. I said I have to change things in my life. So I chose. And I chose her. Same reasons. I cut my friends out of my life and I stopped smoking. I had tried to start a business and it was flailing. Not failing, flailing. It seemed to me that she was fed up with my habits, my economics, and my hygiene. So I changed. Little did I know that she had something else going?

 

Rather than one day come to me and say “STOP” She decided that there was an easier way. This is one of the most embarrassing stories of my life. But if I tell it now maybe the pain will go away. I have her story, then I have my friend’s story. But his memory is pieces. I think my story is the most painful. I don’t think I am ever going to know the truth.

 

She was working for an Imaging Center when an older gentleman walked in mid thirties and started flirtatious conversation with her. She gave in to temptation and he gave her his number. She memorized it and they began conversation. From work, from my home and even from my cell phone. This occurred for months. It was the summertime. And my business was not going so good. I needed money so I had to get a job. I started working at Toys R Us. She would disappear for hours at a time. I would come home for lunch hour and she would not be there. One night she got all dressed up for a car ride to “think” and did not come home until after 1AM. All the signs were staring me in the face. I kept on confronting her with an infidelity situation and she just kept on denying it. She even broke down at dinner once and made me cry for accusing her so much. Cold. Yeah I know. Gullible. But she is Cold. I had nobody to pin the blame on. So I pinned it on my best friend and banned him from the house. I later found cell phone calls to a strange phone number. And began tracing this number to an old man. She denied this, saying that my phone called the number by itself. I told her that I had a flip phone and that it could not.

 

At one point she asked for a separation. I begged her not to leave me. Boy another mistake on my part. And another show of how uncommitted she was to our relationship. Eventually I found out that she was in another relationship. To what extent I don’t think I am ever going to know. As soon as I found the phone records the relationship ended. I believe it was a mutual decision. He was a married man with two children. He called me one day to apologize for meddling in my affairs. I told him he had ruined a beautiful thing. I was wrong. There was no beautiful thing there to ruin. She made a scene that I promised myself I would not disclose. We got over that scenario. I told myself that I forgave and tried to forget. I don’t think I did either. She quickly forgot. She is good at that. Now a year later. My best friend speaks to me of a conversation that he had with her. He tells me that she had asked him one night if I had ever been unfaithful to her. Of course his answer was. I am steady. Like a rock. And that is the last thing that you have to worry about. Then she goes on to say, I have, He is in his thirties, I met him at work, he is not at all attractive, but he makes me laugh, she quickly realized the stupid mistake she was making or that my friend was looking at her with suspicious eyes and stopped what she was saying. This happened right in the middle of her affair. This is the story I got out of my friend. I will never really know what she said.

 

After that situation the relationship slowly began do grow mold. I always tried to battle jealous thoughts that crept into my mind. She began to have contact with an old boyfriend and I just would ask why. She was not offended just defensive. More mold. I picked up smoking after a while again. Started hanging out with my friends. I gave it a chance. I made my change but realized that it wasn’t me. To her credit, she had made a change to.

See she was no longer a screaming bite your head off bitch. She was far more measured and calculated in her actions. It didn’t make her less of a bitch. She just didn’t scream as much.

 

By this time I had found a new job. Which was paying me well. I was making money and keeping busy. But my stress level was high. Luckily my calm demeanor kept my head above water. I was working long hours and appreciated whatever I could. At this point I think she began to feel a need for something. This is when we lost touch. We joined part of the machine. Not communicating just living. I turned to my alternatives and she turned to whatever it is she turns to. My guess its spending money and men. Buts that’s a bitter man who has been cheated on talking. I would not take that to the bank just yet.

 

Then her birthday came. By this time we are on polar opposites. She wants nothing to do with me. And I am blinded. I don’t see this. I have been sending her flowers. Boy what a waste. $160 to be exact. Not because she was mad. One time because she was home alone and the next time because it was her birthday. For her birthday I try to make plans. At first with friends then I want it to be just us. I realize that she is turning 21 so I give in to the thought of a big friendly gathering. Still blind to the fact that she doesn’t want to see me this entire time.

 

Friday comes and she tells me that she is going to have a girl’s night out. Well I know it’s not a girl’s night out because she is going to a club that she gets into because of a guy. A cameraman for a local TV Station. She is wanting me to believe a lie. But I take it in stride and go with it. That Friday night I go out on my own as well. We make plans for Saturday. Saturday she goes to the beach and I go to a concert. I lose my phone tell her that I can only be reached on a friends phone. My car gets locked up in a parking garage and we can not meet up at the club that we were supposed to meet up at. Now the entire point of the weekend is that she wanted this weekend to be for her. Not with me. At two points in the weekend I needed her, tried to reach her, she would not respond. These were clear indications that she was far more on one side than on the other.

 

The Monday after her birthday we sit down to talk about what had happened that weekend. I mention, “do you think we are growing apart?” She runs with it. Her opportunity and she takes it. Next thing I know I am living at a friend’s house. It’s been over 15 days now. And the sadness is still there but its being overshadowed by a gripping sense of reality. I was being used for my personal property. My emotional stability. And my character. And now its over.

[Arabess]

I agree with you. By reading your post, smoking and showers don't seem to be the problem.