Feeling awful all over again

[bslchump]

I've been having a really terrible time lately. I have so many conflicting emotions that I'm getting so confused and I just plain don't know how to deal with them. So far it's been with me laying in bed just thinking and I can't stand it.

 

I want to talk to her, but I don't know what to say. I can't even express myself properly and it's frustrating me to no end. I feel betrayed and hurt, but I still want to hug her, even if it's just one last time. I'm angry at myself for feeling like that because she's handled everything so poorly and hurt me so much in the process. I shouldn't WANT to hug her or anything. I should be angry.

 

I can't help but imagining her and her new bf together and it makes me feel like my insides are curling up and dying. I have a ton of work that I'm supposed to do over the next few days and I can't even bring myself to brush my teeth or shower.

 

She left the apartment a few days ago to stay with a friend for about a week. I'm again having awful mixed feelings about it because I want her gone, but I want her here. It's so lonely in our place...

 

I want her to come back and I want to talk to her, but nothing I can say will change or fix anything. It's such a helpless feeling and I can't stand it. Since she left (for the week) I can't eat, I just had a terrible nights sleep, and all I've been doing is thinking about her. I've been talking to a friend but I don't want to call him constantly with the same stuff. If it's all the same to you guys, I think i'm just going to post in this thread to help me get some emotions out. I have no outlets right now.

[Bluebelle38]

Hi there

 

I couldnt read and not post. I am so sorry you are going through this. Heartbreak is truly the worst isnt it and the only thing that helps is time.

 

When my first bf broke up with me I was plummeted into the depths of despair. That was many eyars ago now and even now I still dream about that time (few times a year) and always wake up so grateful that I got through it and it is a nightmare that is in my past.

 

This is the time where you have to be strong. You have to pull on every reserve you have in you to get up, go shower, get out of the apartment and look around. The world will go on and so will you in time.

 

You will fall in love again, you will laugh, you will read great books, see inspiring films, you will eat fabulous food, see amazing places.

 

While I know it is hard for you to take pleasure in any of those things now, in time you will. I know because I have done it.

 

You will get through this, how soon depends on how strong you are prepared to be.

 

You can do it hon... You will be fine in time.

[bslchump]

I just can't stop thinking about everything. I know that her and her new guy are doing some of the EXACT same activities together that she and I used to do. I hate that.

 

I want her back, and I never want to see her again. I want to hug her, and I want to scream at her. I want to talk to her, and I never want to hear her voice. It literally changes from minute to minute.

 

I still struggle to find the right words..

[Bluebelle38]

It's all still very raw. Of course you have conflicting emotions, you wouldnt be human if you didnt.

 

You have a choice. You either accept the situation and take positive steps to move on and heal or you fall in a heap on the floor and let this totally break you. And what is that going to achieve?

 

This is the worst bit, you have to get through this first and then things will get easier.

 

I am 3 weeks no contact now and I feel grand. OK, I miss him, but I know we weren't meant to be. And i am glad I am free now to meet someone else.

 

I know it isnt what you want to hear, but lying in your bed, not eating, bathing is only going to make you feel worse and you really dont need that right now.

[bslchump]

Yeah, at the moment I'm in a between stage of living together and going NC. If I move out I have to drive many hundreds of miles to get home. I can't lug everything on my own so I need to wait for my friend to be able to come help.

 

So as of now we're still living together, even though she's out of the house for the next few days. I probably wont be gone for another few weeks and it's tough looking around and seeing nothing but memories. Even the bed I sleep on is the one we shared.

[depplover_1980]

Someone once said to me 'you haven't lived until you've had your heart broken' and they were right. Months down the line you will be a richer person for the experience and all it taught you about yourself.

 

This does not help for now however. I say while you feel so ****ty do whatever you want to bring yourself pleasure, but try not to let it beat you by interferring with your job/college etc.

[bslchump]

I'm doing my best to try not to let it interfere. Every day I've been calling a friend of mine for an hour or more to just kinda rant at him and get stuff off my chest. That's been really helpful.

 

I also like hearing from people on here. It always brightens my day a bit when someone replies with something positive on one of my posts.

[Lauriebell82]

Yeah, at the moment I'm in a between stage of living together and going NC. If I move out I have to drive many hundreds of miles to get home. I can't lug everything on my own so I need to wait for my friend to be able to come help.

 

So as of now we're still living together, even though she's out of the house for the next few days. I probably wont be gone for another few weeks and it's tough looking around and seeing nothing but memories. Even the bed I sleep on is the one we shared.

 

You have to get out of there. Who cares if it's 100's of miles away! And hire movers or something. I think you are probably using this excuse as a way of justifying staying so you can hold on to the hope that she will dump this guy and come back to you. Just assume she won't.

 

Get out of your apartment, it will be so much harder to get over her seeing all the memories and being constantly reminded of your relationship. Definately do NC and post here when you have the urge to break it. Your conflicting feelings are perfectly normal in the early stages of break ups. You will get over this though, it will just take some time.

 

Good luck to you!

[worlybear]

Hey bslchump how're you doing?

Hope you're feeling a bit better today- and get that t shirt off- we've all been there, done that and worn it!

Time for a fresh t shirt and a new life!:bunny:

[bslchump]

I am in the process of arranging moving out as we speak. For a while I was using it as an excuse that maybe things would pick up, even though realistically I knew I could never be with her again.

[Lauriebell82]

I am in the process of arranging moving out as we speak. For a while I was using it as an excuse that maybe things would pick up, even though realistically I knew I could never be with her again.

 

Yep. Glad that you realized and admitted it! Assume that she is never coming back to you and move on. Do not hold on to any false hope, it will just drive you nuts.

[bslchump]

Yep. Glad that you realized and admitted it! Assume that she is never coming back to you and move on. Do not hold on to any false hope, it will just drive you nuts.

 

Believe me, I'm not. She's been so awful to me and about this whole situation that I think my friends would string me up if I dated her again.

 

I just...WANT to be with her again. But I don't. Rarg! Time for me to go read a dictionary.

[Lauriebell82]

Believe me, I'm not. She's been so awful to me and about this whole situation that I think my friends would string me up if I dated her again.

 

I just...WANT to be with her again. But I don't. Rarg! Time for me to go read a dictionary.

 

Interesting coping skill reading the dictionary. Whatever works for you though! It's normal to be conflicted about wanting to be with her and not wanting to be with her. Whenever you get those conflicting thoughts, think about the reasons that you DON'T want to be with her and associate her with negative feelings, not positive ones.

[bslchump]

Yeah, so today she told me it's gotten serious with the other guy and they are official. She told me in a "what did you expect?" kind of tone. All this a scant month and a half after we broke up? after 6 years.

 

Oh and I found out she had been setting things up with him while she and I were still dating.

 

This has been a fun day.

[bslchump]

Ok here's a question; I move back home and then what? I guess go NC. Knowing about her and her new guy is killing me and NOT knowing about her and her new guy is killing me. I'll be relaxing for 5 minutes and then a thought just skewers into my brain about the two of them together and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm still in the first stages of breaking up and she's already feeling happiness from a new relationship.

 

I've read all the NC guides, but how do you stop the intense curiosity? I imagine I could keep myself pretty well occupied during the days, but at night when I'm in bed I just want to KNOW what's happening, even though it'd kill me. Any tips?

[smudge21]

I know exactly how you feel - been there many times and am kinda' in that position too, with the wondering what's going on with the ex (Facebook is a definite thorn in situations like this, so try to avoid that one).

 

I've done some crazy stuff in the past when I've known an ex has moved on and got someone else, even parked near her house to see what's happening. Crazy I know, but it's that desire for knowledge and deep down you want to see that she's coming home alone or that they're not getting along. You want to see that things aren't working out because then you may have a chance. Just like looking on Facebook (which is the new stalking), you're looking for that one sign that says "there's a chance". Sadly, it won't come, not that way anyway.

 

There's no point in anyone telling you you should stop thinking about her like this, as you won't do it. Only time will help you move on, you can't force it. Just accept that you will feel like this every day. You will think about her and the new guy. You will think about old times. You will get emotional and depressed. All these things will happen so just let them happen and accept it. The more you get used to these feelings coming and going, the more you can start to move. As at the moment you're not willing to accept any of this - you still want her. I know, because I still want my ex, even though I know it's not going to happen and even if it did, would I really be happy knowing that she left me already. Would it really be something I'd consider true, or just a desperate attempt to cling on to the past.

 

So try your best to get away from her and anything that reminds you of her, as that can hurt just as much as any picture or even seeing her. I know for a FACT that this will eventually all be in the past and you WILL look back at this and be unable to understand why you felt like this for her. It will happen, but only over the course of time.

[bslchump]

I know exactly how you feel - been there many times and am kinda' in that position too, with the wondering what's going on with the ex (Facebook is a definite thorn in situations like this, so try to avoid that one).

 

I've done some crazy stuff in the past when I've known an ex has moved on and got someone else, even parked near her house to see what's happening. Crazy I know, but it's that desire for knowledge and deep down you want to see that she's coming home alone or that they're not getting along. You want to see that things aren't working out because then you may have a chance. Just like looking on Facebook (which is the new stalking), you're looking for that one sign that says "there's a chance". Sadly, it won't come, not that way anyway.

 

There's no point in anyone telling you you should stop thinking about her like this, as you won't do it. Only time will help you move on, you can't force it. Just accept that you will feel like this every day. You will think about her and the new guy. You will think about old times. You will get emotional and depressed. All these things will happen so just let them happen and accept it. The more you get used to these feelings coming and going, the more you can start to move. As at the moment you're not willing to accept any of this - you still want her. I know, because I still want my ex, even though I know it's not going to happen and even if it did, would I really be happy knowing that she left me already. Would it really be something I'd consider true, or just a desperate attempt to cling on to the past.

 

So try your best to get away from her and anything that reminds you of her, as that can hurt just as much as any picture or even seeing her. I know for a FACT that this will eventually all be in the past and you WILL look back at this and be unable to understand why you felt like this for her. It will happen, but only over the course of time.

 

Thanks so much for posting. I'll probably read this over and over for the next few days to remind myself that this is normal. I saw an old picture of us on vacation together after I had been feeling better and I just felt out of control again. This helped me realize "hey, you didn't lose the best thing EVER. this is normal."

 

It's difficult sometimes to reign in my feelings and not have thoughts like "nothing will ever be that good again" or "she was the perfect girlfriend". Neither of those are true. None of it is true. Truth is she treated me like crap, took me for granted, started another relationship while still dating me, and will regret it at some point. She was a selfish, self-centered person who manipulates everyone into making her feel worthwhile.

 

Feels good to be mad rather than sad.

[D78]

blschump,

 

It's great to hear you are moving out. You've received great advice in this thread, I just wanted to add one thing. I think you need to put everything that reminds you of her away. I mean, do it now - go through all of your things, and every picture of her, every gift she gave you, every trinket you got when you were on vacation, etc. - put it in a box. Draw a skull and crossbones on the outside of the box, and tape it shut.

 

Then, do not open the box!

 

I just wanted to add that because you mentioned looking at a picture of her. Maybe you cope differently, and looking at pictures of her doesn't hurt you. I had to avoid seeing anything that reminded me of him to cope. It helped a lot.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. Six years, and she hooked up before even breaking up with you?! Ugh. What a b@%*#!

[bslchump]

blschump,

 

It's great to hear you are moving out. You've received great advice in this thread, I just wanted to add one thing. I think you need to put everything that reminds you of her away. I mean, do it now - go through all of your things, and every picture of her, every gift she gave you, every trinket you got when you were on vacation, etc. - put it in a box. Draw a skull and crossbones on the outside of the box, and tape it shut.

 

Then, do not open the box!

 

I just wanted to add that because you mentioned looking at a picture of her. Maybe you cope differently, and looking at pictures of her doesn't hurt you. I had to avoid seeing anything that reminded me of him to cope. It helped a lot.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. Six years, and she hooked up before even breaking up with you?! Ugh. What a b@%*#!

 

Actually the picture was a complete accident. I was looking at a family member's pictures and they had several of she and I. It kind of set me back a bit because I wasn't expecting it.

 

And she didn't actually DO anything while still with me, but she was evidently emotionally invested in the new guy. She was lining him up for when she left me. You're right. What a b@#$%.

[smudge21]

I envy you. My situation is a little worse as we're tied together by mutual friends and work, so I still see her occasionally.

 

I'd done the whole NC from October after it was clear she'd moved on, but then only a few weeks ago we all met up (work related stuff) for a drink or two and my lack of interest made her interested (dammit) and she started giving out the signals. I played it cool with her, but deep down those feelings came flooding back.

 

I'll be glad when the work situation has gone as I'll be able to remove those things that keep drawing me back. I too believe this girl to be 'the one' and special above all others, but she isn't. I think accepting that truth is one of the hardest things when breaking up as in a way, it's accepting one's own faults that you chose and fell for someone so wrong.

[bslchump]

I envy you. My situation is a little worse as we're tied together by mutual friends and work, so I still see her occasionally.

 

I'd done the whole NC from October after it was clear she'd moved on, but then only a few weeks ago we all met up (work related stuff) for a drink or two and my lack of interest made her interested (dammit) and she started giving out the signals. I played it cool with her, but deep down those feelings came flooding back.

 

I'll be glad when the work situation has gone as I'll be able to remove those things that keep drawing me back. I too believe this girl to be 'the one' and special above all others, but she isn't. I think accepting that truth is one of the hardest things when breaking up as in a way, it's accepting one's own faults that you chose and fell for someone so wrong.

 

I can't imagine being envied

 

I think since this whole thing is still so fresh I still think in terms of what would backfire on her the most. I hope she does realize she has feelings for me. I hope she does miss me. I hope when she realizes she's alone in the apartment she gets scared again (she has chronic fears of being alone at night) and regrets being so god-awful towards me.

 

Sure, these are thoughts that I probably shouldn't have, but I can't seem to help it. They do make me feel better, so that's something. I just want all of her rotten plans to blow up in her rotten face so she actually has to take some responsibility for how she acts.

 

Phew. I love these message boards.

[Bluebelle38]

Definitely NC. What do you need to know OP? Seriously, it is none of your business what she does with her new boyfriend.

 

I'm 3.5 weeks no contact now and after the first week it was pretty easy sailing. I decided that a) first and foremost it is his loss; b) I refuse to look desperate and beg him to give us a chance; c) I really dont need to know if he has or hasnt met anyone because sooner or later I will myself and d) I dont want to feed his ego.

 

This is a new start for you, no point dragging the past in to it.

 

maybe she and her bf will work out, maybe they won't but it really is of no concern to you and thinking about them is a total waster of your time and energy.

 

Toughen up, dude. She isnt thinking about you; don't give her your headspace.

[bslchump]

Definitely NC. What do you need to know OP? Seriously, it is none of your business what she does with her new boyfriend.

 

I'm 3.5 weeks no contact now and after the first week it was pretty easy sailing. I decided that a) first and foremost it is his loss; b) I refuse to look desperate and beg him to give us a chance; c) I really dont need to know if he has or hasnt met anyone because sooner or later I will myself and d) I dont want to feed his ego.

 

This is a new start for you, no point dragging the past in to it.

 

maybe she and her bf will work out, maybe they won't but it really is of no concern to you and thinking about them is a total waster of your time and energy.

 

Toughen up, dude. She isnt thinking about you; don't give her your headspace.

 

I agree with you, and that is my goal, but it seems an awful lofty goal to be setting so soon. Currently I think if picturing her on fire helps put a smile on my face and puts her out of my mind for an hour so I can concentrate on something else, I should do it. I clearly don't know what will happen. They could be a total train wreck and she could be miserable or they could realize they love each other and get married. Since nothing I do affects either one, why does it matter if a particular thought helps get me through the day? She already occupies so many of my thoughts that I'd love any way to get her out for a short while. This helps with it.

[bslchump]

After waking up this morning I feel like crap all over again. I wish she would call/text/something. I wish I was one of these posters on here who complain that their ex wants to talk to them constantly so I could feel some semblance of control. Then I'd be declining to talk to her on my own ground.

 

Memories and thoughts came flooding back today and my stomach feels like a rock. I think it's going to be like this for a long time; me fighting back memories while spending the entire day attempting to make myself feel just a little bit better. I usually feel "ok" by bedtime and then the cycle starts again the next day. It's exhausting. Especially when I'm not getting enough sleep because of it.

 

Ugh, I HAVE to remember all of the awful things she did that should reflect the kind of person she is, not just the good times we shared together. If I do that I'll go crazy thinking about her doing those things with the new guy.

 

If I can wake up properly today maybe I'll go to the gym. It will be an uninspired workout, but at least I'll be getting some physical activity?

[brneyedgrl]

Hey bsl,

 

I've been there and am still there. Three weeks ago my ex decided after 6 years that he didn't know what he wanted anymore and he needed to be alone, however I found out there was someone else.

 

I don't know how far it's gotten or if they're together now but I do now there was emotional cheating at the very end of our relationship and the thought of him and her being happy together used to make me physically ill.

 

I used to die laying in bed at night thinking about what they were doing and if he was taking her to the same places as we went and even worse, if he was happier. I used to wish he'd call or text just so I knew I was still on his mind. But nothing. He just dissappeared, and that's a great feat because we still live together until next week.

 

It's still very early for me in the healing process but as weeks have gone by I've realized I'm actually better off. I think about all the years I gave him and how amazing of a gf I was and for someone to be able to do this to you and not even look back shows you their true colors. The details I used to die thinking about are now things I have no interest knowing.

 

I'm slowing coming to the conclusion that I need to move on and anything I find out or hear will only set me back. Give yourself more time...in a few weeks the urge to want them and the urge to know what they're doing will fade and you will start to see them for what they really were and it'll hurt less and less, I promise.