Feeling awful all over again

[bslchump]

I'm semi-necro'ing this thread rather than making a new one.

 

I've felt the worst in the past few days than I've felt since the breakup. I can't take pleasure in anything I used to. I've tried some video games I enjoyed, but I don't care about them. I've tried talking to friends but they only want to hear so much. I work out, but I think of her the entire time I'm doing it.

 

I have no taste for food. I desperately need to visit the supermarket for food, but when I go, I have no idea what I want. Nothing is appealing to me and I go home with very little if anything at all. It's so frustrating not being able to think of anything else but her and things we used to do.

 

I absolutely loathe to admit it, but I miss her. I miss talking to her and going places with her and sleeping next to her. If anyone was to see me they would think everything was normal because I still shower and take care of myself, but I feel nothing but dead inside. My brief spots of numbness are only a time between bouts of pain and reflection.

 

Lately I've started asking myself "what if I did X differently? Would she still have felt the need to seek attention elsewhere?". I know it's a dumb question to ask and that she is just inherently a selfish person, but I can't seem to help it.

 

This morning I googled her name the second I woke up and I had no idea why. I was still groggy and not thinking straight and I found myself looking at her picture. It reminds me of when she and I were together. Everything reminds me of that. I can't cook a meal without thinking about the last time we cooked it together. I can't drive past a building without thinking of us doing that. I want to go back in time and slap myself in the face to remind myself what it felt like to be happy.

 

All I think about is her with her new man. It still feels like she's cheating on me. I don't feel like, "hey we're split up so she's free to do what she wants". I feel like what we had was so long-term and commitment heavy that it's horrible to be with someone else so soon. I don't understand it. I can't even imagine taking an interest in someone else right now. And while I sit here and feel like a tsunami is battling a hurricane in my stomach, she's giggling and flirting with someone else.

 

I just don't know what to do. I feel wretched and nothing seems to help. I wish I could chat with one of you on AIM about our situations. It would be nice to listen and be listened to by someone who knows what I am feeling. If anyone would be interested, let me know.

[GreenPolicy]

 

 

 

Lately I've started asking myself "what if I did X differently? Would she still have felt the need to seek attention elsewhere?". I know it's a dumb question to ask and that she is just inherently a selfish person, but I can't seem to help it.

 

Girls usually dump guys for one of two reasons: smothering/clinging/neediness/possessiveness, or neglect/slacking off/not doing the things you did to win her. If you can honestly say that you were in the middle of that spectrum, no need to play the What If game.

 

 

This morning I googled her name the second I woke up and I had no idea why. I was still groggy and not thinking straight and I found myself looking at her picture. It reminds me of when she and I were together. Everything reminds me of that. I can't cook a meal without thinking about the last time we cooked it together. I can't drive past a building without thinking of us doing that. I want to go back in time and slap myself in the face to remind myself what it felt like to be happy.

 

Don't do that. Don't look at old pictures. Don't seek out info about her online.

 

All I think about is her with her new man. It still feels like she's cheating on me. I don't feel like, "hey we're split up so she's free to do what she wants". I feel like what we had was so long-term and commitment heavy that it's horrible to be with someone else so soon. I don't understand it. I can't even imagine taking an interest in someone else right now. And while I sit here and feel like a tsunami is battling a hurricane in my stomach, she's giggling and flirting with someone else.

 

Yeah, it's been four months and change since my ex broke things off with me, so I just assume she is involved with somebody else at this point. She's physically attractive, so she will have no problem getting attention from somebody else. I don't think she cheated on me, and I don't think she lined up another r/l before leaving me, but I'll never know for sure. But even assuming that she didn't secure a replacement first, she made a commitment to marry me and then broke things off. She's not going to be single and celibate the rest of her life, so she will get involved with somebody else over getting back with me. To date again after what we had feels like a betrayal, even though after dumping me she is free to do whatever she wants and see whomever she pleases.

[bslchump]

GreenPolicy - No, I was not possessive or needy until the end when I found out she had been lining up another guy. Nor did I slack off with things during the relationship. She was the lazy and selfish one.

 

You seem to know exactly what I'm trying to say. Even though things are technically over, I still feel like we're "together" and that dating someone else is wrong.

 

She sent me a text this morning asking about some furniture and bills and things. It is really hard for me to maintain being casual about it, but she is all business. It's doubly weird because she's always been so emotional about everything that it feels like she truly doesn't care now. I know she probably does a little bit, but not nearly as much as I do.

 

I want to write her something telling her how I feel, but I don't know what good it'll do. It could be because I'm such a mess right now. Half of me doesn't even think she deserves any good will, but I still WANT to be nice/loving to her. Ugh, I need a good kick in the head.

[bslchump]

Well, I'm stupid. During these texts she just asked me how things were going. I said badly. She asked why and I essentially said "because of things between you and I" and she replied with "Ah.".

 

**** me. **** me. **** me.

[GreenPolicy]

GreenPolicy - No, I was not possessive or needy until the end when I found out she had been lining up another guy. Nor did I slack off with things during the relationship. She was the lazy and selfish one.

 

You seem to know exactly what I'm trying to say. Even though things are technically over, I still feel like we're "together" and that dating someone else is wrong.

 

She sent me a text this morning asking about some furniture and bills and things. It is really hard for me to maintain being casual about it, but she is all business. It's doubly weird because she's always been so emotional about everything that it feels like she truly doesn't care now. I know she probably does a little bit, but not nearly as much as I do.

 

I want to write her something telling her how I feel, but I don't know what good it'll do. It could be because I'm such a mess right now. Half of me doesn't even think she deserves any good will, but I still WANT to be nice/loving to her. Ugh, I need a good kick in the head.

 

We have no choice but to take the focus off of our exes and put it onto ourselves. They were sh*tty to us and moved on. We need to do the same. They do not deserve to take up permanent real estate in her heads and our hearts. The longer they do, we are allowing them to control our thoughts, feelings and actions, even though they are no longer in our lives.

 

I know exactly what you mean about how cold and all business they seem. My ex never held back love and affection until the very, very end of our r/l, and interacting with her when she came to get her bike three months after the b/u was very weird. The way she handled the b/u, it was like I became a non-entity to her. It's like "Hello, whatever happened to 'You're the best guy I've ever had, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I can't wait until we're married!'"

[bslchump]

We have no choice but to take the focus off of our exes and put it onto ourselves. They were sh*tty to us and moved on. We need to do the same. They do not deserve to take up permanent real estate in her heads and our hearts. The longer they do, we are allowing them to control our thoughts, feelings and actions, even though they are no longer in our lives.

 

I know exactly what you mean about how cold and all business they seem. My ex never held back love and affection until the very, very end of our r/l, and interacting with her when she came to get her bike three months after the b/u was very weird. The way she handled the b/u, it was like I became a non-entity to her. It's like "Hello, whatever happened to 'You're the best guy I've ever had, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I can't wait until we're married!'"

 

Bingo. It's very strange because all of my memories are of the love and affection and desire to get married. So when I talk to her now, I still expect that. When she presents herself as not-caring it hurts. I don't know how to react to it.

 

She used to be the person I leaned on when things were tough. Now that I need someone to lean on, I find my support is gone. It kind of feels like the rug was pulled out from under me.

[timchambo]

Well, I'm stupid. During these texts she just asked me how things were going. I said badly. She asked why and I essentially said "because of things between you and I" and she replied with "Ah.".

 

**** me. **** me. **** me.

 

Man that's exactly the response she was looking for. I haven't talked to my ex in a solid month and it feels pretty good. I had to tell her to stop texting. She did me so wrong it felt good to reject her in some way. It may help you to have her stop texting you to avoid the situation yo just found yourself in.

[bslchump]

So we've been talking lately, all business though. I have to say, it's very sad, frustrating and depressing. I've found a few people to move into our home in place of me. I need to sell our furniture to strangers. It seems surreal and the fact that she greets a new roommate with a happy "Oh, ok great!" is disappointing for some reason.

 

I want her to think higher of me, but it doesn't make sense why. I certainly don't plan on talking to her when I go home, so why do I still care what she thinks of me? She treats me like a mild nuisance that she has to be polite to, but I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't cheat or lie or lead anyone on like she did, so why am I made to feel the bad guy? Why can't she feel bad about the things she's done? She is off living somewhere else until I'm gone and I'm left to deal with the fallout of the breakup. I have to find a new roommate. I have to sell the furniture and I have to move out. I suppose I need to do all of these things to move on, but it just seems so damn unfair that she gets to continue her life with minimal interruption while my entire world is turned upside-down.

 

Why am I left to pick up the pieces?

[GreenPolicy]

So we've been talking lately, all business though. I have to say, it's very sad, frustrating and depressing. I've found a few people to move into our home in place of me. I need to sell our furniture to strangers. It seems surreal and the fact that she greets a new roommate with a happy "Oh, ok great!" is disappointing for some reason.

 

I want her to think higher of me, but it doesn't make sense why. I certainly don't plan on talking to her when I go home, so why do I still care what she thinks of me? She treats me like a mild nuisance that she has to be polite to, but I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't cheat or lie or lead anyone on like she did, so why am I made to feel the bad guy? Why can't she feel bad about the things she's done? She is off living somewhere else until I'm gone and I'm left to deal with the fallout of the breakup. I have to find a new roommate. I have to sell the furniture and I have to move out. I suppose I need to do all of these things to move on, but it just seems so damn unfair that she gets to continue her life with minimal interruption while my entire world is turned upside-down.

 

Why am I left to pick up the pieces?

 

I am going to tell you something I heard in my Al-Anon meeting last night. By making a conscious decision to be miserable, you are putting her in charge of your well-being and choosing to be a victim. It's okay to be in pain and feel grief. You should be if your love was deep. But there is a difference between being in charge of your grief and feelings and letting them be in charge of you. I still hurt A LOT over my breakup, but I am finding myself joking with my coworkers again, laughing again, finding enjoyment in day to day stuff again. Those waves keep coming back (every dumpee knows what I mean when I talk about waves), but they are like the waves of a receding tide. Everytime they come back, they hurt and sting a little less.

 

This might help you put things in perspective:

 

http://lovesagame.com/download_report

[timchambo]

So we've been talking lately, all business though. I have to say, it's very sad, frustrating and depressing. I've found a few people to move into our home in place of me. I need to sell our furniture to strangers. It seems surreal and the fact that she greets a new roommate with a happy "Oh, ok great!" is disappointing for some reason.

 

I want her to think higher of me, but it doesn't make sense why. I certainly don't plan on talking to her when I go home, so why do I still care what she thinks of me? She treats me like a mild nuisance that she has to be polite to, but I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't cheat or lie or lead anyone on like she did, so why am I made to feel the bad guy? Why can't she feel bad about the things she's done? She is off living somewhere else until I'm gone and I'm left to deal with the fallout of the breakup. I have to find a new roommate. I have to sell the furniture and I have to move out. I suppose I need to do all of these things to move on, but it just seems so damn unfair that she gets to continue her life with minimal interruption while my entire world is turned upside-down.

 

Why am I left to pick up the pieces?

 

I know exactly what you mean. I think it has something to do with how mug we valued their opinions when we were with them. And seeing this other side of them we never saw in all those years, and over night. I too had to move all our stuff and take care of all the financial stuff. I guess it's part of being a man.

 

I think if she truly thought you were over her and didn't respect her anymore then she would be treating you differently. I know it's hard and I wouldn't trade places with you, but you can't let her see how much she still affects you. I can't imagine living away from home and being stuck like you are. It will get better man. I suspect she will realize what she did a while from now, and if she grows up a bit might even let you know that.

[bslchump]

I know exactly what you mean. I think it has something to do with how mug we valued their opinions when we were with them. And seeing this other side of them we never saw in all those years, and over night. I too had to move all our stuff and take care of all the financial stuff. I guess it's part of being a man.

 

I think if she truly thought you were over her and didn't respect her anymore then she would be treating you differently. I know it's hard and I wouldn't trade places with you, but you can't let her see how much she still affects you. I can't imagine living away from home and being stuck like you are. It will get better man. I suspect she will realize what she did a while from now, and if she grows up a bit might even let you know that.

 

tim, your posts always make me feel better. I had to see her tonight and aside from a few things I think I did a pretty good job. I wasn't overly nice to her but I definitely wasn't mean or rude. Just sort of...pleasant. She seemed sad when she left, but who knows anymore.