Are we beating a dead horse? Or is there still hope for our marriage?

[flowergirl77]

If you have not read any of my other posts-there are several on the OM/OW forum. I am in a different phase now as I have ended my EA-it has been 2 months since I last saw OM and it is over and I am moving on.

 

My H and I have been together 10 years (married 5) and have 3 children (2 little ones together, 1 teenager from my previous R)

 

Anyways, where I am struggling is finding my way back into my MG now that my A has ended. My H wants to work on things, and build a new life together. He has made many improvements in how he treats me, and continues to work on his personal growth. We have been to MC and IC, but MC seems to be a wast of time b/c my heart is not 100% in the MG-how can I work on it?

 

I am lost, and can't figure out if this means it is over, and we are just dragging on the pain because of our kids, and current financial situation, or if we are to persevere and see if things can get better with time.

 

How long do we keep doing this? The feeling, love and attraction are gone for me, and have been long before my EA began. I feel completely numb and disconnected from him. His touch feels intrusive and I have little desire to be close to him physically and emotionally.

 

I read about signs your R may be at its end, and we have many. But I keep denying it, and hoping my love and affection will return. It hasn't.

 

We can't bear to break our kids hearts and break up their family. There is no abuse in our MG (any longer) my H has done the work necessary to become a better H-we don't fight and argue rarely. He helps around the house, is a good Dad and husband. But if the love is gone for me, and has been for so long..can you get it back if your heart is not into it any longer?

[Owl]

I can give you two thoughts on this subject.

 

The first is...it normally takes a good while, especially in cases where the affair went on for a long time...for those feelings for your spouse to start to return. And even before that can happen, you've got to go through "the withdrawl phase", where you grieve the end of the affair relationship and the "loss" of the affair partner.

 

Have you really gone through that yet?

 

My other thought is...those feelings don't always return for everyone. I think it happens more often than not...but I will note that for some people, the "damage is too great" and those feelings just don't/can't return. There could be too much resentment/anger with your H for his part in the current state of the marriage...whatever.

 

What are the two of you ACTIVELY DOING to try to rebuild those feelings? What steps are you taking to recover your marriage at this point?

 

MC? IC? Have the two of you tried "courting" each other again? Tried to spend a good amount of "quality time" actively communicating and having fun together?

 

What are you doing to try to regain that connection?

 

It won't "just happen". You truly have to work to reconnect...neither of you can sit there passively and "wait and see" for it to occur.

[health]

If you have not read any of my other posts-there are several on the OM/OW forum. I am in a different phase now as I have ended my EA-it has been 2 months since I last saw OM and it is over and I am moving on.

 

My H and I have been together 10 years (married 5) and have 3 children (2 little ones together, 1 teenager from my previous R)

 

Anyways, where I am struggling is finding my way back into my MG now that my A has ended. My H wants to work on things, and build a new life together. He has made many improvements in how he treats me, and continues to work on his personal growth. We have been to MC and IC, but MC seems to be a wast of time b/c my heart is not 100% in the MG-how can I work on it?

 

I am lost, and can't figure out if this means it is over, and we are just dragging on the pain because of our kids, and current financial situation, or if we are to persevere and see if things can get better with time.

 

How long do we keep doing this? The feeling, love and attraction are gone for me, and have been long before my EA began. I feel completely numb and disconnected from him. His touch feels intrusive and I have little desire to be close to him physically and emotionally.

 

I read about signs your R may be at its end, and we have many. But I keep denying it, and hoping my love and affection will return. It hasn't.

 

We can't bear to break our kids hearts and break up their family. There is no abuse in our MG (any longer) my H has done the work necessary to become a better H-we don't fight and argue rarely. He helps around the house, is a good Dad and husband. But if the love is gone for me, and has been for so long..can you get it back if your heart is not into it any longer?

 

Love isn't a feeling - it's a verb - LOVE him, it sounds like you just want this feeling, he's not giving it, you do an EA, that didn't work. It has to come from inside you. Anything outside is temporary - anything and everything - be careful you could end up searching your whole life for something out there - and will never find it. My suggestion is do everything in your power to fix the relationship, marriage councilling etc....if it doesn't work then move on. Good luck.

[SkyOgre]

I'm in the same boat. In my post I got blasted for wanting to leave.

 

I understand all of your feelings. My issues started many years ago and just festered. BOTH of the partners in the marriage let it go, I did and she did also.

 

The empty feelings, the distant emotions, I get all of that. My wife and I have talked about it for hours and we both admit we failed miserably in our marriage.

 

Yours was a much shorter time but people do grow apart. I have the same feelings you do, that lost and empty feeling. I keep hoping that they will be replaced with a want to be one with my wife but it's just not coming back. How long do you try I don't know. You got together for some reason and that feeling should come back, at least that's what my IC told me.

 

We've been through the counseling both together and separate. We've worked on communications a lot. (Love and Respect is a good book for this) After the Affair is also a good read, there is a grieving period after the affair and it make take some time to get over it.

 

As for the repair who really knows. The child issue is tough, if your are fighting at home the kids probably know and it's hard on them. Seriously consider them and maybe leaving might be best. You might be better off apart. I talked with both my boys, 18 & 19 and they both said that if you are happier apart then stay apart. They do see and hear all of it.

 

Good luck, If I find the answer I'll pass it along.

[Distant78]

If you have not read any of my other posts-there are several on the OM/OW forum. I am in a different phase now as I have ended my EA-it has been 2 months since I last saw OM and it is over and I am moving on.

 

My H and I have been together 10 years (married 5) and have 3 children (2 little ones together, 1 teenager from my previous R)

 

Anyways, where I am struggling is finding my way back into my MG now that my A has ended. My H wants to work on things, and build a new life together. He has made many improvements in how he treats me, and continues to work on his personal growth. We have been to MC and IC, but MC seems to be a wast of time b/c my heart is not 100% in the MG-how can I work on it?

 

I am lost, and can't figure out if this means it is over, and we are just dragging on the pain because of our kids, and current financial situation, or if we are to persevere and see if things can get better with time.

 

How long do we keep doing this? The feeling, love and attraction are gone for me, and have been long before my EA began. I feel completely numb and disconnected from him. His touch feels intrusive and I have little desire to be close to him physically and emotionally.

 

I read about signs your R may be at its end, and we have many. But I keep denying it, and hoping my love and affection will return. It hasn't.

 

We can't bear to break our kids hearts and break up their family. There is no abuse in our MG (any longer) my H has done the work necessary to become a better H-we don't fight and argue rarely. He helps around the house, is a good Dad and husband. But if the love is gone for me, and has been for so long..can you get it back if your heart is not into it any longer?

 

Well you gave energy from your marriage to another man and now your husband, who you should be reassuring that you'll never cheat again, is doing most of the work to hold the marriage. He shouldn't be working his butt off for someone who's pining for another dude. Let him go so he can be happy. Sorry if this sounds harsh but jeez what do you expect?

[Albertan]

I don't think there is an easy answer here.

 

You married this man for a reason? You had children with this man for a reason? You once loved this man? It would be easy to say 'you don't love him and are not happy so you should leave' but you need to ask yourself the question, will you be happier in the long run 10 years down the line with someone else?

Look how many messages are on here and other forums about people being married x amount of years and feeling unhappy, there's distance etc.... Marriage is hard and it takes effort from both people. That can't/won't always happen and every single person I know who has been married for 30+ years has told me that they had good years and bad years (that years!). Staying with someone when you're happy and have that 'in love' feeling is easy because it is natural, it is when life is tough, marriage needs work it is hard - but isn't that why married in the first place? To commit to someone and say I will stay with you in the good times and the bad?

 

Can I ask, how would you feel if you leave and six months down the line your H is dating someone else? How would that make you feel?

 

At the end of the day no one can tell you what to do, or how to feel. You will make the decision one way or another but you need to be totally honest with yourself and your H. If you want to try then you need to try wholeheartedly. Romance him, set up dates, surprise him, kiss him unexpectedly, be open and honest and make family time. If you truly don't want to try then you should leave for yourself and your husband.

 

I hope whichever decision you make you and your husband find a way to be happy and communicate well - if only for the benefit of your kids.

[robf1971]

hoping my love and affection will return

 

Lol sitting on your b*tt and hoping isn't working on things.

[imagine]

Don't look for the better person, be the better person.

 

Marriage is a commitment and a test. It should shape you! Meet your vow!

[flowergirl77]

The problem that we are struggling with is my emotional roller coaster. My poor H is being dragged along for the ride. I am up then I am down. We have a good day, moment, connection-then I am back to questioning if we are doing the right thing continuing this. I see how much we F**** up our marriage over the years, and how much I have hurt him and screwed him over with my betrayal. He has done an amazing job of standing by me when his instinct was to run as far away from me as possible. He has remained strong-but has also said he is losing hope not seeing my efforts or feelings return.

 

I feel like I am such a mess in all aspects of my life right now. I am depressed, moody and unhappy with my entire life right now. So it is so hard to know where to focus my energy. Find a job, fix my marriage, fix myself and all of my issues, be a better Mom and wife-it all feels like too much sometimes. I think he would be better off without me and my craziness-but he disagrees!

 

We are going to spend a day to ourselves this weekend-and plan to spend some time going over some material from marriagebuilders.com tonight (I highly recommend this site to all who are struggling with marital/affair issues!) It is really a great place to start when both are ready to work on things.

[Snowflower]

 

Can I ask, how would you feel if you leave and six months down the line your H is dating someone else? How would that make you feel?

 

 

 

Albertan's whole post was really good but I wanted to ask you this question from his post again, because it is a good one.

 

Let's say you and your H decide to call it quits. A few months from now, you find out via your children that your H/xH is dating someone. What is your first reaction? Relief? Sadness? Indifference? Will it be a stab in your gut or just a slight twinge for what might have been if it had worked out differently for you and your H?

 

I have read that this question is the number one indicator of whether there is any life left in your marriage for you. So, I will ask again, how will you feel when your H meets someone new?

 

You don't have to answer this here, but it is food for thought.

[Albertan]

Flower from reading your post history it's clear you're all over the place and searching for answers. A couple of things I have to say are that a) kudos to you for being honest with yourself and honest on here, and that can't be easy as there are many people on this site who have been burned and instantly jump to making negative comments so to hear "from the other side" as it were is a nice change; and b) I think a lot of what you're feeling is perfectly normal.

 

One thing I have seen in my own life and from what I have read/seen from other peoples experiences is that many peoples tend to act rashly and make poor decisions when in these types of situations. Take time......to sort your head out.....to recover from the loss and the hurt and guilt.....to figure out how you really feel and what it is you really want. If at the end of the day you don't want to make your marriage work you can at least be sure it is not because of another man or because everything is too emotional. Time does heal and does give you a chance to reflect but when people act too rashly, make impulsive decisions they often later regret them.

 

Oh and thanks snowflower ;-)