You can't go back

[tiger20]

Majority of love doctors will say that you can get back with an ex if you play your cards right & you work on self improvement. Doc Love (Thomas Hodges) is the only love doctor who says you can't go back no matter how much you improve yourself. You get one chance per woman per lifetime. I agree with him.

 

Once that interest level drops below 50% it will never again go above 50%. It's over. Women do not leave until their interest level drops below 50%. Your best bet is to move on & apply your self improvement to a new woman.

[spackle]

do you think the same applies to women?

 

and to play devils advocate - if you're applied self improvement then you're not the same person they had interest in, so therefore surely their interest level could go up or down depending on whether they like the improvements

[SimonSerenade]

That's not always the case as many of people have gotten back together over the years, Granted it shouldn't happen until a clean slate can be applied but if the history was bad then yeah I'd agree that moving on all together would be the best thing going for somebody broken up with, After going through all the pain I really don't know how somebody can look that person in the eye again.

 

I think the point should be that if you respect yourself and think your worth more than what you went through then you'll never go back there no matter what offer's on the table, Improve yourself for yourself and for a better chance of a relationship with somebody else, It's all you can do

[Shatter3d]

What about in the case of men? Is it still the same? Is it still one chance per man per lifetime?

 

If his interest level drops below 50 can it ever get back up there ?

[valdeetz1]

I think some men dont leave at that point. I think if something is bugging them, they dont discuss it, they get bored or feel like they're ready for a change they can leave. It's been said that men are more impulsive- which...can be a plus? :/

 

I guess it could possibly mean a higher chance of them realizing what they had wasnt so bad. Women themselves- or so the forum says, will stay until they feel they are waisting there time- or...well sad to say sometimes we also get caught up in the Grass is Greener mentality and will leave a decent relationship- I guess that 80/20 rules applies.

 

I will say this- I was at one point when in my teens attracted to this guy- however he had no amibition or self goals- I still talk to him and he still tries to hook up with- especially now that I'm single after so long. But even though I care about him- I cant see myself with him as he's pretty much a large man child. And...if he changed that I'm not sure if my perspective would change. so...eh I'm confusing myself >.<

[tiger20]

Yes the same applies with men. Once the man or woman gets turned off it's dead.

 

Yes I know we all hear stories of couples getting back together but we don't know if they got back together for the right reasons.

 

Many couples get back together only because they're lonely or they're just comfortable with each other because they have a long history together. Being in love with someone & just being comfortable with them are 2 different things.

 

Sometimes the woman lies to herself & thinks "well maybe with time I can forget about the mistakes he made in the past" but then she never forgets.

 

So we just can't assume that because an ex is trying to come back that they are coming back for the right reasons. Sometimes the dumper comes back because they couldn't find anyone else or don't believe they can find anyone else.

 

The relationship is still dead though whether they come back or not. It's just an arrangement. If the dumper is insecure they can't stand to be alone. So they will come back to you when they get lonely & can't find anyone else.

Edited February 2, 2011 by tiger20

[pandagirl]

Yes the same applies with men. Once the man or woman gets turned off it's dead.

 

Yes I know we all hear stories of couples getting back together but we don't know if they got back together for the right reasons.

 

Many couples get back together only because they're lonely or they're just comfortable with each other because they have a long history together. Being in love with someone & just being comfortable with them are 2 different things.

 

Sometimes the woman lies to herself & thinks "well maybe with time I can forget about the mistakes he made in the past" but then she never forgets.

 

So we just can't assume that because an ex is trying to come back that they are coming back for the right reasons. Sometimes the dumper comes back because they couldn't find anyone else or don't believe they can find anyone else.

 

The relationship is still dead though whether they come back or not. It's just an arrangement. If the dumper is insecure they can't stand to be alone. So they will come back to you when they get lonely & can't find anyone else.

 

Not everyone who gets back together, stays together. But some do, so obviously this guy's theory is wrong.

[Shatter3d]

My ex may come back but I know it will be for all the wrong reasons. It will either be that he is lonely, cant find anyone better, or will just forget the bad times and only remember the good times.

 

This is why I need to keep reminding myself that I just cant take him back again. He has already done this to me twice, so he will just do it again and again if I let him.

 

It's very hard to come to terms with the fact that he is out of my life forever. That he will be intimate with someone else soon or in the future. That makes me sick to my stomach. My heart hurts so bad at the moment its unbearable at times.

 

Yes...they can come back and Yes it can work out, but very very rare. Too much has happened for it to ever be the same. Sad but true

[gator12]

Okay, I'm going to try and be objective. I am a guy, and the fact is most guys will stay in a relationship even if it's not a good one. When we commit we really committ, and I emphasize most, not all men. We tend to be less likely to break up for this reason alone. Women tend to leave more on impulse, and if it's an impulse leave i think you have some chance of getting her back. However some women literally debate it for 3 months before breaking up with you instead of ever including you in the debate, decide what's best.

 

All in all it depends on the relationship and if it was real love or not, real love will rekindle, at least once. My first love, I dated two seperate times, and they were some of the best years of my life.

 

My current ex, I was madly in love with, more so than even my first love, it's been about two months since we broke up but she said she truely loved me and if that was ever true. Then she will be back again. I hope it's true but I do not cling to that hope. Clinging to that hope only prolong you're own healing.

 

You know why most second chances don't work? Because the same old issues rise up again. If you sit there on your ass when you're broken up with and don't make any effort to fix the problems you had in your relationship. Well then the fact is the second time will not work. I'm not saying this is why you should fix your problems, but say what can it hurt? In the end it'll be better for whoever you're next parter will be.

 

All I know is, I am living proof that second chances happen. Yes some breakups are because of a loss of interest, and true most of those wont get back together. But there are 100s of other reasons breakups happen, and depending on the reason second chances may be likely.

 

Fact is when you break up you go straight into no contact, the breakup has already happen, your relationship is over. You go into no contact expecting the worse, bettering yourself at the same time. And in the end you just may be surprised at what happens.

 

Just my thoughts,

-Gator

[chelle21689]

Although this is my first break up ever, I have been reading non stop for the past week about break ups. I really do believe the best thing to do is let go and try to move on. Moving on is a good thing...you get over the pain and you can be truly happy in the end whether that ex comes back or not. I'm trying my hardest to let go...

[gator12]

Although this is my first break up ever, I have been reading non stop for the past week about break ups. I really do believe the best thing to do is let go and try to move on. Moving on is a good thing...you get over the pain and you can be truly happy in the end whether that ex comes back or not. I'm trying my hardest to let go...

 

You can do it chelle, have faith, stay in no contact and move on. If your ex comes back they come back and you knwo it was meant to be, if they don't you'll be moved on. Either way you win. It's very hard I know, but just writing on this site or in a journal will give you strength. Go out with friends, take up a new hobby, just have a good time.

[Shatter3d]

I'm telling you right now, if I had a choice between a million dollars or being completely over my ex it would be..........the 2nd one !! Not joking either.

[Shatter3d]

Hmmm...on second thoughts

[gator12]

I'm telling you right now, if I had a choice between a million dollars or being completely over my ex it would be..........the 2nd one !! Not joking either.

 

Lol that was me about a month ago lol. Things get better =]. Lol I'm still bummed about two days ago but *sigh* that's life. Just keep smiling

[SimonSerenade]

Okay, I'm going to try and be objective. I am a guy, and the fact is most guys will stay in a relationship even if it's not a good one. When we commit we really committ, and I emphasize most, not all men. We tend to be less likely to break up for this reason alone. Women tend to leave more on impulse, and if it's an impulse leave i think you have some chance of getting her back. However some women literally debate it for 3 months before breaking up with you instead of ever including you in the debate, decide what's best.

 

All in all it depends on the relationship and if it was real love or not, real love will rekindle, at least once. My first love, I dated two seperate times, and they were some of the best years of my life.

 

My current ex, I was madly in love with, more so than even my first love, it's been about two months since we broke up but she said she truely loved me and if that was ever true. Then she will be back again. I hope it's true but I do not cling to that hope. Clinging to that hope only prolong you're own healing.

 

You know why most second chances don't work? Because the same old issues rise up again. If you sit there on your ass when you're broken up with and don't make any effort to fix the problems you had in your relationship. Well then the fact is the second time will not work. I'm not saying this is why you should fix your problems, but say what can it hurt? In the end it'll be better for whoever you're next parter will be.

 

All I know is, I am living proof that second chances happen. Yes some breakups are because of a loss of interest, and true most of those wont get back together. But there are 100s of other reasons breakups happen, and depending on the reason second chances may be likely.

 

Fact is when you break up you go straight into no contact, the breakup has already happen, your relationship is over. You go into no contact expecting the worse, bettering yourself at the same time. And in the end you just may be surprised at what happens.

 

Just my thoughts,

-Gator

 

 

This is extremely good advice.

[TaraMaiden]

50%....?

 

50% of .... what?

how do you gauge what 50% is?

What criterion gives you that benchmark?

How do you know you've hit 50%?

How do you know it's not actually 52% or 48%?

 

How do you know when you think you've hit 50% and you give up, that you haven't actually only reached 55% and there's still some room for improvement?

 

Where is the yardstick?

 

Oh by the way, Hi Chris.

[PegNosePete]

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who is only 50% interested in me, anyway.

 

100% or Foxtrot Oscar, thanks!

 

And welcome back TM

[IfiKnewThen]

gator 12.... i agree excellent advise and well said.

 

shatter3d...lol i can relate to feeling the same way. people are worth far more than money. a million dollars to not suffer this loss and pain and be oever them..absolutely would be worth every penny. also to have them back in a healthy way in our lives...and be at peace with it.

[TaraMaiden]

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who is only 50% interested in me, anyway.

 

100% or Foxtrot Oscar, thanks!

 

And welcome back TM

 

Hugs buddy didja miss me?

 

Barbados is sure warm at this time of year....!

[0hpenelope]

50%....?

 

50% of .... what?

how do you gauge what 50% is?

What criterion gives you that benchmark?

How do you know you've hit 50%?

How do you know it's not actually 52% or 48%?

 

How do you know when you think you've hit 50% and you give up, that you haven't actually only reached 55% and there's still some room for improvement?

 

Where is the yardstick?

 

Oh by the way, Hi Chris.

Yeah, I didn't understand what OP was saying either.

[tiger20]

Not everyone who gets back together, stays together. But some do, so obviously this guy's theory is wrong.

 

Even if they stay back together for life it doesn't necessarily mean that the interest level has come back. Again it could just mean one or both exes settled for each other. They might settle for each other for the sake of children if they have kids or they are both afraid to start over & look for someone new, etc.

 

I would rather be alone forever than take an ex back who doesn't really want me but is just comfortable with me. Being alone forever is tough but at least I wouldn't be living a lie.

 

Bottom line is once a woman tells me she wants a break or breakup it is over. It doesn't matter how many green flags she displays in the future after that. Even if she is begging to come back & telling me how she regrets ending things it doesn't matter. The fact she broke up in the first place is enough proof that her interest level is gone regardless of what her words or actions say after the fact.

Edited February 3, 2011 by tiger20

[tiger20]

Also in most situations when a woman breaks up with her boyfriend he is the last to know about it. She already discussed her plans to break up with him a long time ago with her friends, parents, coworkers, etc. He is the last to find out. She already checked out of the relationship 3-6 months before.

[spackle]

that's no different to men

[niptuckfan]

Even if they stay back together for life it doesn't necessarily mean that the interest level has come back. Again it could just mean one or both exes settled for each other. They might settle for each other for the sake of children if they have kids or they are both afraid to start over & look for someone new, etc.

 

I would rather be alone forever than take an ex back who doesn't really want me but is just comfortable with me. Being alone forever is tough but at least I wouldn't be living a lie.

 

Bottom line is once a woman tells me she wants a break or breakup it is over. It doesn't matter how many green flags she displays in the future after that. Even if she is begging to come back & telling me how she regrets ending things it doesn't matter. The fact she broke up in the first place is enough proof that her interest level is gone regardless of what her words or actions say after the fact.

 

I don't agree with that in the least!

There are circumstances that are beyond peoples control that could initiate a break up that take time to work through!

I did the initial break up (said the words)...I did not mean them but was reeling from confusion and pain with the death of my Ex and trying to get my children through a rough time!!! My BF did not have the connection to my kids nor the connection to my EX and it has been awful!

I miss him every second of every day!

He was not strong enough to stand my us...(i guess??)

[gator12]

Also in most situations when a woman breaks up with her boyfriend he is the last to know about it. She already discussed her plans to break up with him a long time ago with her friends, parents, coworkers, etc. He is the last to find out. She already checked out of the relationship 3-6 months before.

 

 

While I agree with that statement, that doens't mean a loss of interest. That is not the only cause of a breakup. They aren't black and white, there are many different factors that lead to a break up. I myself got together with an ex for 2 years after a bad breakup. The breakup had nothing to do with her interest level in me. People break up and get back together sometimes for the right reasons and sometimes for the wrong.

 

When girls break up like that it is because women are terrible communicators. that is a fact. Just like men are terrible with emotions. You put those two together and most relationships fail. Lack of communication. See women are very in touch with their emotions and expect guys to know things that hurt them etc, whereas guys are terrible with emotions but expect women to communicate their issues to them since they are clueless in many respects. Those two together ruin most relationships. It takes work, bottom line is interest is not the only factor in a relationship, and you can't put things like relationships into statistics. Love doesn't work like that, its complicated, messy, ugly and yet still so wonderful at the same time. And we will never really be able to understand it, or quantitize it.