my guy is driving me up the wall

[kittykat]

Hi everyone,

 

I am a 29 year old woman in ontario and I live with aguy that is two years younger than me. I met him in a bar, I was the bartender and he was the bouncer.

We got to be friends and I soon realized that I was in love with him. I told him and he was not ready at the time for a relationship and later on I decided I was going to move on and started dating someone. My bouncer then decided he was going to break his leg!

 

I spent six weeks taking care of him and he grew to love me. We never spent more than a night apart and we seemed to be the best of friends. He then found out that he had to go 7 hours away for school for three months. He left and within two days I drove up there to be with him. We could not stand to be apart. So we spent the three months together. Upon returning home we bought a house together and learned that his time in school had given us the miracle of a baby. I was due in december 2002.

 

We had a baby boy and I think that since the baby was born he has not been interested in us anymore. and we have gone through so much stuff and he wants to split up and has gone behind my back three times and seen a lawyer. I am not a person who gives up on things and I am a fighter. But I only have so much patience and heart left over. I love this man with all my heart and he claims to love me but how could I be sure that he isn't telling me that to blindside me into thinking that all is well while he continues to see a lawyer. I am at the end of my rope and I need to know what I should do from someone else's point of view. I have asked him to see a councelor with me and he feels that he would be telling a stranger his life and will not do that.

 

I also caught him talking to another woman on the computer and he says that it's a girl he used to know as friends and I had nothing to worry. Yet after I told him that Iwas not happy with this and he needs to stop talking to her. He said he would and then I caught him talking to her again. This man has lied to me more than once and I have a hard time trusting him and I have found myself getting crazy everytime he leaves the house.

 

Or if he's late from work, I am going out of my mind wondering what he's doing. Someone please help me I am going absolutely crazy. I want this to work out for us but I don't know how to get past all of this crap. I want to spend the rest of my life with him yet I can't seem to move forward with him.

 

Thanks for listening and take care all................from kittykat

[SoleMate]

I have to sadly advise seeing a lawyer yourself, to make sure that you and the baby are protected. If the lawyer says it will not hurt you, you can also insist on a counsellor. But my feeling is that if one person refuses counselling while the other person insists, the relationship will likely end.

[kittykat]

Well, I allready have gone to see a lawyer. I wasn't going to take any chances with my son. I have been down this road a couple of times and not too much has changed. I appreciate your input. You are the only one who has replied to my add so far and that saddens me as I don't know what to do anymore about this guy of mine.

 

 

 

Thank you soulmate take care........................from kittykat

[Velveteel]

I'm so sorry you're going through this sad time. From what you've said, it doesn't sound good. Even if this online "friend" of his isn't a direct threat to your relationship, he seems to be restless and looking for a way out, or at least for distraction from family life.

 

Yes, insist on counselling. If he'd rather leave the relationship than tell a stranger about his life, then he's not very committed to staying with you.

 

But keep in mind, too, that he may be trying to make a decision about his life with you. Give him some space. Show a little independence (take a class, develop a new interest, take a short trip). Be as attractive as you can. And let him know what you love and admire about him--especially if it's about his fathering skills, since this will be a big part of the rest of your lives, whether the relationship between you and him survives or not.

 

This may feel like game-playing at this point, but it can't hurt. These kind of steps will make you feel better about yourself, too, and prepare you for whatever the future holds. Good luck.

[kittykat]

Well thanks Veleteel,

 

It has been a long road with us and maybe there is some truth to what you say about him being restless but the way I see it, he decided to get into this and now there's a baby involved and and I was not raised to be a quiter. I am a very strong woman and he has had to learn the hard way that when you commit to someone, it's not a game and I stand by my beliefs. He will honour those commitments he made to my son and myself wether he's happy about it or not. I have a daughter from a previous partner and I will not put myself or my my son in the position that I found myself in with my daughter.

 

Well, I suppose that it's different now. When my daughter was born I was 19 and now I'm 29 and a hell of alot wiser,and this guy is going to get it together or he will be the one who has to live with the fact that he is responsible for the destruction of this family should he choose to take this road. I do thank you very much for your input as I am really at the end of my rope on this.

 

Take care and thanks......................from kittykat

[Velveteel]

You do sound like a strong woman. That's the kind of mother everyone should have. If he does leave the marriage, your children will still have the example of your commitment and devotion and love. I know many people who've done well without a reliable father, but NONE who've succeeded in life without a loving and consistent mother.

[Wolvesbaned]

My only advice is to focus your energy in your children. Be the woman you want to be by doing your own thing for now. I know it's hard, but for your sanity you need to do it. You should see a counselor on your own, it might help you greatly. Post here often, it's great to let your thoughts out. It sounds like you're doing all you can with him, sometimes just stepping back works wonders. I know what you mean by fighting and right now everything must seem so intense, but when you're feeling this anxious and awful, you have to look out for yourself first. You're blessed with wonderful kids, tap into them for motivation and strength.

 

Good luck to you!

[kittykat]

Hi all,

 

I am really starting to go out of my mind here. I am thinking that there has been so many lies and so much deception that i'm not sure if this relationship can be saved. Everytime I think I can trust him he puts a knife in my back, and I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I am not sure that I can trust him at all anymore.

 

It could be that I am the one who's being paranoid but in all honesty would anyone blame me? I am doing my own thing and spending as much time with the kids as possible. I am finding that i'm getting alot of panic attacks and that has me pretty worried.So, I have told him that until I am able to trust him, I just want him to leave me alone (no sex, no talking unless it's about the baby and no extra favours like his laundry done and things like that) maybe that will show him the value of what he has.

 

Then again, maybe it won't who knows. I feel a little strange telling people I don't know about all this but maybe it will give me some strenght to know that others out there have been here to.

 

.....................from kittykat

[kittykat]

OOOOOOO I am so mad!!!!

 

I am really at my whits end. Last night I got really mad at him and told him he had to make a decision now wether we are starting over or finishing over, and he had the same response he has had for the last 6 weeks or so. He says he hasn't had time to think about it. And that doesn't cut it for me anymore. I asked him about a letter I recieved in the mail from his lawyer and he swears he didn't tell her to send it. It's dated last friday however it was signed by a clerk chick on the 8th of march. He says he has not talked to her in a month and I would think that a lawyer cannot just send you a letter without his/her client telling them to. Anyway I told him to make a choice and he said nothing. All he had to say to me was usually people who go through what we are going through, one of them leaves. Neither one of will go anywhere but as he said that, it just gave me my answer.

 

At the same time, this a** cannot look at me in the eye and tell me he wants to end this thing between us. I could be the one overreacting but I feel that everytime I think I can trust him, he puts a knife in my back. And that's no way to live is it? What the heck is his problem? He says one thing and acts tottally different another day. GGGGGGGRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! I asked him if he had any clue as to what he was doing with this lawyer thing and he says he has no idea. I'm looking at this from one side. Is it possible that his lawyer and his mother are playing the devil's advocate and telling him what he should be doing? I don't know anymore. I am a tough strong woman but even I have a breaking point and I've pretty much reached it. I am out of ideas on this. I have tried to give him space and I have tried driving up to toronto for a weekend to see a friend and nothing has changed. Are we doomed to be this way forever?

 

Please, any opinions would be appreiciated

.........................from kittykat

[Velveteel]

Oh, kittykat, I'm sorry things are this bad right now. I have to tell you that it sounds to me as if your mate doesn't want to be in the relationship, but also doesn't want to hurt you. I think he figures that if he makes himself really miserable to be around, and mopes a lot, and withdraws support and attention, and says that he loves you, but flip-flops about commitment, maybe you'll break up with him! Then he won't be at fault for abandoning his family. You'll be the crazy, mean lady who couldn't handle this difficult period in his life, etc., etc.

 

I have been that a**hole (although the female version), so I speak from experience.

 

If he didn't love you, you wouldn't be so damn hard to leave. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't mind hurting you. But the kind of love that drags you through hell so that he can still seem like a nice guy (to both you and himself) isn't going to be the shoulder you want to lean on for the rest of your life.

 

Can you get him to open up when you're not angry or upset at him? I know that when I'm confronted with someone else's strong emotions (grief or anger, usually), I will sometimes retreat into saying whatever will calm them down at that moment. This isn't a great way to go through life, I know, but that's my issue. See what he says about the relationship when the two of you are calm. Try to open yourself to whatever he's feeling, even if it's devastating. As terrible as it would be if the two of you separated, and the family broke up, it would be much, much worse to continue as you are, with both of you so miserable.

[kittykat]

The thing is that I will not be the one to leave him and i'm pretty sure he knows that. When I met him I was recovering from a very long and serious two year drug binge. He sat there with me for many hours while I craved for my drug. Withdrawl is the worst and he was there for me and did a great job at it. I had been in love with him and he kept telling me that he wasn't into being in a relationship. So I moved on and I started dating someone. Not long after he came to me and told me that he was in love with me and that we had to be together. So I dumped the other guy and went to him. I always wondered if he did this to prove a point or if he really wanted to be together. It just makes me sick to think that he was so intent on being together and now he just acts like we are total strangers. I have to say sadly that once i had his baby, we didn't matter anymore. Our relationship was of no importance. He didn't even bring me flowers while I was in the hospital. I had our son by c-section and when they took him out, they put me in the recovery room.

 

I came up one hour later to our room and he allready had the baby there. I was still groggy from the drugs and could not move from the bed they wheeled me up in to the bed in my room. This guy that is supposed to love me could not give our son to his mother so he could come and help me get from one bed to another. I had to do it alone and cause myself more pain and the possibility of tearing my stomach open. And it has been all downhill from there. I am not in a position any longer to understand anything he needs to say because when you cannot differentiate the truth from lies why would I care what he feels? He doesn't care how I feel.

 

I am not sure what we will do here but it has to be something and it has to be soon.. Thank you for your thoughts dear

 

..................from kittykat

[Velveteel]

In your post, you describe two important times for you in the last few years: when you were in withdrawal, and when you were in the hospital after delivering your baby. In the first instance--early in the relationship--he was really there for you. In the second instance, whether because he couldn't bear to hand his baby to someone else (understandable, I guess) or because he had stopped considering your needs--or, maybe just because he didn't understand the pain of a C-section, or how risky it is to strain your muscles too soon--he failed you.

 

You say you won't leave him. But it does sound as if he's doing everything BUT announcing that it's over.

 

What can you do to make yourself happier? You said a couple days ago that you were at your wit's end, and it's true. I'm sure you go to bed and wake up feeling crazy and mournful and upset and confused. Can you withdraw from the situation emotionally, just for two weeks or so? Maybe just give yourself permission not to try to fix or change anything for a couple weeks? If your mate treats you like a stranger, it's okay to be one for a while. I'm not saying you should be cold or harsh--that takes energy, too!--but just a little quiet and withdrawn, putting yourself and your child first, and NOT your worries about the relationship. Spend as much time as you can alone. If there's something else in your life that needs putting in order, like a closet, or your checkbook, or your hair, you could tend to that, instead. And when your man comes around, you could cultivate a mysterious smile and give him the absent-minded pat on the shoulder if he tries to stir things up. That'll really confuse him!

 

I've got to ask, too, whether you've got enough child care. It sounds like you need to catch your breath a little, and you can't be good to yourself if your attention is constantly divided.

[CaterpillarGirl]

From all you've been saying, it sounds to me like:

 

a) he is going to leave you

b) he will take your child away from you, if at all possible (he may even use your past drug use against you)

c) he is deceiving you

 

Please, please seek legal help and make sure you are financially independent enough to care for yourself and your child.

[kittykat]

I have been listening to you guys and your opinions since I have joined this community and I value all the bits you have all given. I have gone to a lawyer allready and we have set out a plan of attack so don't worry about that. And ya when I was going through the withdrawl he was very caring and supportive. I would not have been able to get as far as I did if it wasn't for his help. Yet aswell when he broke his leg, I was more than happy to take care of him for six long weeks. He is not thinking, he has no idea what he is doing. He told me that we are at a standstill and he is not sure what we are supposed to do.

 

I am past that now, he has hurt me, he has stabbed me in the back, and has destroyed any faith I ever had in anyone. And that would be enough to scare anyone. I am the one who is only working part time and he works 44 hours a week as a tractor mechanic. He makes almost 17 bucks an hour and I make 8. The house is in his name and the bills are in both our names. He has tried when we first started having trouble to get me to leave and he knows I will not. I have just as much right to this house and our son as he does. And should he choose to fight that then I will make sure that he suffers the way he has made me suffer.

 

All I have ever really asked of him is that he act like my partner and he take care of the baby's needs. Also he should have some interest in the relationship he started. He complains alot about everything and I can't take it. he has been the one paying the bulk of things around here and i have never denied that. Yet a couple of months back I had recieved 6000.00 and I was more than happy to pay stuff and bills and whatever else that needed to be done. He has told me before that once he has gotten to the point that he's had enough there's no going back and we have been fine after that. Can you believe that we still interact sexually and he's okay with that while he claims to want to end our relationship. He is confusing me and he tells me that when we are together that way, he still feels the connection that we have and that confuses him. YA, I'M SURE. Anyway i'm all talked out for now. Thanks everyone for listening to my babble!!!!!!!!!!!

 

.........................from kittykat

[kittykat]

Well here's an update. We are supposed to be going to court soon and he says that things would be different between us had I done more in ways of helping him with outside work and cleaning around the house. Well my part of that no I have not allways been the cleanest person but he is just as bad he works all day in work boots and at night he takes off his socks and leaves them almost rooled up on the floor AND THEY STINK. I have always tried to do things together and he never does he's always too busy. I don't ask for alot from him but it would be nice to spend some couple time together once a month and we have not done that in a very long time like last year. How is that fair that he thinks he can go on and do his own thing and not bother at all in being part of our relationship? Am I being difficult or do I have a valid point???? I am not sure what the heck he wants from me anymore. He claims to want to go our seperate ways yet when I am sick, he takes care of me and he has no problem at all sleeping together. He also has no idea what he's doing with this lawyer mess as I believe that he's being coached by his mother and lawyer. Any comments would be greatly appreciated as I don't know what to do anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

......................................From kittykat