Suddenly felt very down after having a "good time."

[somedude81]

Tonight was a big salsa dance party at my school and I felt like I had a good time.

 

But shortly after I got back home, my mood just crashed with even some tears to go along with it.

 

I think what set it off was the thought that I was tired of playing with girls (dancing, being friendly with) and that I wanted an adult relationship. Then I realized that I don't have the skills or whatever the hell it takes to make girls actually like me. Then came a feeling of hopelessness, that I'm never going to achieve it.

 

I'm 29 and have been struggling with depression for most of my life. I've seen several counselors and been on medication but none of them can actually help.

 

I'm just very lonely and want somebody to be with, and that's something mediation and therapy can't fix. All they can do is lessen the sadness.

 

I strongly believe that there just isn't any point to life if you spend it by yourself. I can't imagine being in my mid 40's coming home from work, eating alone, watching tv alone, and sleeping alone; day-after-day. What's the point?

 

Right now I'm in college, which should be one of the best places to meet people to have a relationship with. But if I can't do it here, is there any hope elsewhere?

 

I just started my fifth semester and with no signs of progress, I'm getting real tired. If I can't accomplish anything this semester either, who's to say the next one will be any different?

 

Turning 30 is a big milestone, which happens for me in September. I just don't know if there is any point in going beyond that if my life doesn't pick up.

[griffinchicken53]

I'm hoping someone else will speak up, but that is not a good way to think. I know, because there are times I think just like that, setting a deadline if something doesn't happen.

Is it fair some people find love in their teens and early 20s and it takes others alot longer? No. I've cried myself to sleep, laid in bed all day trying to imagine what it would be like to lay there next to someone special.

[griffinchicken53]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I know how hard this is.

You've got to get past thinking like that. You said you don't have the skills to attract women. It can be learned. Maybe women can pick up on a guys doom and gloom outlook, which can add to the problem.

Just hang in there.

[january2011]

You're lonely and the future is uncertain. As you noted, it can be tough once you leave university to meet people because your pool of potentials can decrease somewhat. But that doesn't mean that it will be impossible for you to meet someone, you just have to be more pro-active.

 

But why wait until you graduate? Keep putting yourself out there and create opportunities for yourself even in more random environments.

 

For inspiration, have a look at this guy's progress, if you haven't done so already:

 

My dating baby steps. kind of success today

 

With regard to your depression, I think that you need to go back to your doctor and discuss it with him/her.

[somedude81]

My deadline is still seven months away. A lot can change in that time, or so I hope.

 

I have tried to learn the skills. I've read tons of stuff online, posted in forums, been to seminars and taken workshops. None of it works. I beleive that there is a fundamental flaw in my personality that prevents me from actually attracting anybody.

 

I just don't have the strength to keep trying and failing.

 

For now I am trying to put myself out there, and make the most of it. But just meeting people isn't good enough. Somehow I have to work some form of magic or else I'm just ignored by girls or regulated to being a friend.

 

I should probably make an appointment a the school's counseling center but I don't think they can actually do anything.

[denise_xo]

Make that appointment - nothing to lose. IME, therapy and medication can do something more than just reducing sadness, but it took a lot of personal work and it was really hard. I'd had several suicidal periods, one suicide attempt, alcoholism by that time. I also went through several years where I thought no one would ever love me. All I can say is hang in there and keep working - and do it for yourself first. Like griffinchicken53 said it isn't fair that it's harder for some than others to find a meaningful relationship, but it still happens to a lot of people at unexpected times. I spent most of last year counselling a frequently crying girlfriend who was past 35 and had never had a boyfriend. She is now engaged.

[griffinchicken53]

rereading some stuff you said, i've danced with 2 girls in my entire life. so in some aspects you are doing better than me.

[sammyd]

Well, firstly, the old cliche, you have to love yourself before anyone else will:) The good news is, you're already on your way. Your taking proactive steps to improve the way you come across, and learning new skills. That's great, and shows that you want to change. Try and focus on the positive things you are doing, and get out there and enjoy yourself. It's true that good things happen when u least expect it, so stop putting pressure on yourself, and have fun:)

[jenifer1972]

What aspect of your personality do you think is what women don't like?

[somedude81]

What aspect of your personality do you think is what women don't like?

That's actually where I'm struggling.

 

I can't think of anything about my personality that women would dislike.

 

But the problem is that I don't think there's anything about me that women actually do like.

 

So when there is nothing really disagreeable and nothing that good either, then I'm just, there. Easily forgotten.

 

Every once in a while I manage to make female friends, but none of them would ever dream of dating me.

 

I just don't have anything about me that's appealing enough to actually attract somebody.

 

TLDR:

 

There is no real reason for a woman to dislike me. And no real reason for one to like me either.

Well, firstly, the old cliche, you have to love yourself before anyone else will:) The good news is, you're already on your way. Your taking proactive steps to improve the way you come across, and learning new skills. That's great, and shows that you want to change. Try and focus on the positive things you are doing, and get out there and enjoy yourself. It's true that good things happen when u least expect it, so stop putting pressure on yourself, and have fun:)

The thing is, I've been "taking steps" for years. For all of my 20's I have been trying to improve myself and I have nothing to show for it. I have achieved, nothing.

 

That's what makes this so tiring. I just don't see things getting any better as the years go on.

[jenifer1972]

Maybe you should get some kind of life/ dating coach or mentor who can give you unbiased feedback on why you are always getting friendzoned. Doesn't have to be a paid coach, maybe an older man you admire?

[new era]

 

Turning 30 is a big milestone, which happens for me in September. I just don't know if there is any point in going beyond that if my life doesn't pick up.

 

Okay, now this is the part that really disturbes me....you're walking around with untreated serious depression, and there's indications of

suicide.

 

You MUST go back to the doctor for meds...there are so many Anti-D's available, and they really do a bang up job in terms of making you feel better.

 

It does'nt sound to me that you really even gave them a chance....did

you just stop taking them on your own? without your doctors knowledge?

 

About women - pfft, get a puppy instead!!!:bunny:

[SmileFace]

The idea of taking medication for depression is depressing.

 

I hope you figure something out dude,I wish I had some helpful advice to give.

[somedude81]

Maybe you should get some kind of life/ dating coach or mentor who can give you unbiased feedback on why you are always getting friendzoned. Doesn't have to be a paid coach, maybe an older man you admire?

I'm a full-time college student living on student loans so I'm completely broke.

 

A mentor would be great, but I don't know anybody who could fulfill that roll. So I'll keep struggling on my own.

Okay, now this is the part that really disturbes me....you're walking around with untreated serious depression, and there's indications of

suicide.

 

You MUST go back to the doctor for meds...there are so many Anti-D's available, and they really do a bang up job in terms of making you feel better.

 

It does'nt sound to me that you really even gave them a chance....did

you just stop taking them on your own? without your doctors knowledge?

In my situation, pills are like putting a band-aid on a knife wound. The actual problem needs to be taken care of, not covered up.

 

I just wish I knew what I could do to actually start "treatment."

About women - pfft, get a puppy instead!!!:bunny:

Dogs are just so annoying. Much more of a cat person myself.

[Yamaha]

I wonder if you really know what you want?

You have gone from wanting a gf to just wanting a sexual casual relationship to now feeling lost and unloved.

 

What type of girl are you looking for or is it just any girl?

Do you speak to lots of women or do you single one out and concentrate on her?

I think it was you who said you said you don't have sexual interest in a women until you become emotionally attached to her. Am I correct?

[somedude81]

Lost and unloved? .... That's how I've always felt. (Before anybody says something, I know both my parents love me. So I'm not trying to make up for any parental love.)

 

Girlfriend, casual relationship, fwb; I just want somebody to care. Not because they are family, or because they're a therapist, but somebody my existence has actually impacted in a beneficial way.

 

I'm also a young human male, I have a sex drive; I'm tired of always feeling unfulfilled.

 

I don't know which relationship title meets my needs. But I do know that it's not platonic friendship.

 

What type of girl are you looking for or is it just any girl?

At this point, it's just about any girl who's decent looking, without any major personality thing. I could be a lot more specific but that would only lower the pool of selection.

 

Do you speak to lots of women or do you single one out and concentrate on her?

At first I try to speak to lots of women. Then I start to focus on the ones who seem like it's possible to have a connection with. Usually they are friendlier with me than the average girl.

I think it was you who said you said you don't have sexual interest in a women until you become emotionally attached to her. Am I correct?

Pretty much.

 

When a meet a new girl, sleeping with her is the last thing on my mind. From what I understand, I'm different from most men in that way.

 

I'm looking for somebody that I can have fun with, and sex is a possibility somewhere down the line.

 

I usually don't start thinking about sleeping with somebody, till after I start liking them. And that's a few weeks minimum.

[impz]

Somedude81, I will apologize ahead of time if my comment is not helpful. However, from the various posts made in this thread, you seem to hate yourself. I am completely puzzled.

 

I remember that you mention that you look average (which is already a good point, there are people who look ...questionable?). You are at least a college student, so you must be decently educated with views on various things. You are articulate, you have female friends. There must be something you should like a lot about yourself. In fact, there should be a lot of things you ought to like. However, when you stated this.

 

But the problem is that I don't think there's anything about me that women actually do like.

 

So when there is nothing really disagreeable and nothing that good either, then I'm just, there. Easily forgotten.

 

Every once in a while I manage to make female friends, but none of them would ever dream of dating me.

 

I just don't have anything about me that's appealing enough to actually attract somebody.

 

I go @_@. I hope you don't find it offensive, but who gives you the right to decide whether a woman finds you attractive. Trust me from my experience of women, the man himself is the worst judgment of his own worth. Also, a woman can sense if you are trying too hard to appeal, and that you do not like yourself too much. Would any healthy normal woman love someone who doesn't even love himself? I doubt so. Confidence and taking light of rejection (I was rejected 15 times in a row by 15 different gals before, woohoo!) while taking a positive attitude is important. Also, try to detect your own flaws in hooking up with others. You are a college grad, you ought to know critical analysis, no

 

Of course, I do agree with other posters that you need to treat your depression. However, you need to have positive reinforcement of yourself first, before you even go on attempts to date others. If you are feeling so lousy of yourself, every little negative incident (even though dating is usually a failure for most guys) simply reinforces your belief that you are simply not lovable, which I am sure is not true.

 

So, a simple habit to rid myself of all negativity, I call myself smart, intelligent, articulate, handsome in front of the mirror in the morning everyday (trust me, I am hardly). It doesn't matter if you don't believe in it. If you repeat it enough, you will start believing in it. Well, at least it works for me. Good luck on your studies. I gave up on my Masters and started on my career myself, so I know the sick sloughing of College.

Edited February 8, 2011 by impz

[somedude81]

Somedude81, I will apologize ahead of time if my comment is not helpful. However, from the various posts made in this thread, you seem to hate yourself. I am completely puzzled.

I don't know if I hate myself or not. There are some days where it gets pretty close. I certainly don't love myself or my life. I wouldn't mind not waking up tomorrow.

I remember that you mention that you look average (which is already a good point, there are people who look ...questionable?). You are at least a college student, so you must be decently educated with views on various things. You are articulate, you have female friends. There must be something you should like a lot about yourself. In fact, there should be a lot of things you ought to like.

I currently don't have any female friends. I stopped talking to my last female friend a couple of years ago after we had a big fight.

 

For most of 2010 I was close to a girl but I wanted her for a girlfriend and had no intention of being friend with. Although we hung out regularly, I did not consider her a friend and I'm pretty sure she felt the same way about me. We haven't spoken since the middle of December where I basically told her all my feelings and that was it.

I go @_@. I hope you don't find it offensive, but who gives you the right to decide whether a woman finds you attractive.

 

Trust me from my experience of women, the man himself is the worst judgment of his own worth.

I have no idea if I'm attractive or not. When I look in the mirror while wearing clothes I like, I don't think I look ugly or stupid. But women have consistently rejected me, so maybe I'm wrong?

 

The only people who've ever said that I was good looking are my parents and grandparents. I think they were just lying to make me feel better.

 

Socially, I know I have no value. I could go on and on about what's wrong with me. There are very few things that I like about myself.

Also, a woman can sense if you are trying too hard to appeal, and that you do not like yourself too much. Would any healthy normal woman love someone who doesn't even love himself? I doubt so.

I don't think I'm trying to appeal. When I'm around girls, I try to look good and be friendly. Generally I'm actually pretty happy when I'm around girls because I'm energized by them. I feel alive and don't think about my life at all. That's one reason why I take a dance class every semester. It's also the only chance I have where I get to hold women.

 

I never talk negative when I'm with girls, and I doubt any of them are aware of my depression. It's something that I'd keep to myself till it goes away.

 

Confidence and taking light of rejection (I was rejected 15 times in a row by 15 different gals before, woohoo!) while taking a positive attitude is important.

It's hard for me to take light of rejection. It's a little complicated to explain why, but I only ask out girls that I like. Buy the time I get a final rejection, I'm heavily emotionally invested in them. And then I'm devastated by the rejection.

 

Every rejection reinforces the thought that I'm a loser and women are never going to like me.

 

Also, try to detect your own flaws in hooking up with others. You are a college grad, you ought to know critical analysis, no

I could list 100 flaws no problem. More important to me, is what can I do that is right. I know how to fail, not how to win.

 

Of course, I do agree with other posters that you need to treat your depression. However, you need to have positive reinforcement of yourself first, before you even go on attempts to date others. If you are feeling so lousy of yourself, every little negative incident (even though dating is usually a failure for most guys) simply reinforces your belief that you are simply not lovable, which I am sure is not true.

 

So, a simple habit to rid myself of all negativity, I call myself smart, intelligent, articulate, handsome in front of the mirror in the morning everyday (trust me, I am hardly). It doesn't matter if you don't believe in it. If you repeat it enough, you will start believing in it. Well, at least it works for me. Good luck on your studies. I gave up on my Masters and started on my career myself, so I know the sick sloughing of College.

Right now, I only know how to build an image of myself based on external validation. None of the internal postivie validation stuff works. Affirmations have no effect because I "know" the truth.

 

My whole basis if I'm a worthy human being or not is based on how women see me. All I'm looking for is one girl to show me that I'm good enough for her.

 

I know it must look pathetic to an outside reader. But that's how I am. I see know reason why I can't have what almost every human wants.

Edited February 8, 2011 by somedude81

[Cee]

I am impressed by your ability to express yourself and your issues. I have very little wisdom to impart, but I had an idea.

 

This is a radical concept, but I did this after I kept getting into bad relationships.

 

Commit to at least 1+ years without any dating or romantic contact at all.

 

Whaaaaaaaaat?

 

I know this sounds totally bananas, but you have been beating yourself up for way too long for not getting a girl. Why don't you give yourself a break from this emotional pain.

 

What I suggest is do what lots of people do, which is take a break from seeking mates to develop themselves. With the time and energy you spend in feeling like a failure, you can channel it to finishing school, finding a job, making friends, working, exercising, doing sports, dancing, whatever.

 

Basically, you have to forbid yourself from engaging in the negative cycle you are in. I think you'd be shocked to find how much energy you devote to beating yourself up. You can't have a good time anymore b/c you think you'll never get a girlfriend. Pretend for a moment that there is an arranged marriage down the line. And your complete focus must be on anything but romance. You must turn yourself into the best man you can be for your bride who lives far away on an island. And this woman is the smartest and most beautiful woman in the world.-

 

I know this sounds crazy, but try for 7 days to be emotionally unavailable for dating. See what happens. Just try it one day at a time. And keep doing it. Just try. But get a lot of support from male friends, therapists, groups, whatever.

 

This is just a crazy idea. Take it or leave it.

[somedude81]

Cee, that is a pretty radical idea. It does make sense on certain perspectives. If I was having a string of bad relationships, it would make perfect sense to take a break from dating.

 

In my case, I haven't had a date since June and no relationships to speak of at all.

 

I would love to give myself a break from the emotional pain. But how do I stop feeling lonely? I feel really bad when ever I see couples and I have to turn my head or cover my eyes whenever people kiss on TV because it makes me feel like crap.

 

I try to spend a lot of time on other things to keep my mind off my feelings. What sucks is as soon as I loose my focus for a second it immediately drifts to women etc. Times are hardest right before bed or when I'm showering since all I have are my thoughts. Some of them are very dark.

 

I like your idea of the pretend arranged marriage. I just wish I could believe it. Maybe with some hypno-therapy perhaps? My brain is just very logical. I wish I could just forget and not care about how my life is. I guess that's why people turn to drugs and alcohol.

 

I don't know what you mean by being emotionally unavailable for dating.

 

IMO at this time, I should be doing everything in my power to start dating. Stupidly, I still have hope and am not ready to give up.

[ALonerAgain]

I am impressed by your ability to express yourself and your issues. I have very little wisdom to impart, but I had an idea.

 

This is a radical concept, but I did this after I kept getting into bad relationships.

 

Commit to at least 1+ years without any dating or romantic contact at all.

 

Whaaaaaaaaat?

 

 

This is just a crazy idea. Take it or leave it.

 

 

This is not a totally crazy idea, because I'm trying this out for myself - and I can tell you that even though it does get lonely, the more you focus on knowing and understanding yourself, your patterns; your negativity, the more postivity you can gain from the experience.

 

Cee's right: you have to start liking yourself before anybody else can. I've only read a handful of your posts, but some of the feelings you describe about yourself, I, and I'm sure plenty of others, do too.

 

I struggle with minor depression myself and have done for a number of years. But I'm here; I'm alive - and I know I want to live it as best I can.

 

So try and make your life about you and not soley about finding a partner. If you do, you will stay depressed and the less likely you are to find anyone suitable.

[Cee]

My suggestion needs refining, but I'm bringing up the idea of not trying to medicate your loneliness with the drive to date or seek a mate.

 

I became celibate (like all the way celibate) for 4 years once. The feelings of loneliness were overpowering at times, but I learned that I could be happy without a mate. I learned that I am enough and I can fulfill all my needs. It was a radical change for me, but I learned to not "need" a man anymore. And guess what, the loneliness disappeared. I never feel lonely.

 

As for being emotionally unavailable, I used the wrong term. I am saying that you should not put dating first as your priority to rid yourself of loneliness. Try fulfilling your need for connection with something else- introspection, friendship, spirituality, etc.

 

People talk about the "hole in the heart" and for me I filled that hole with self-love. I don't know if an LTR is going to happen for me, but it's not the end of the world anymore.

 

This is your journey and I don't pretend to know you. I wanted to give you alternate solution to trying to "fix" yourself. You aren't broken- you need to pour the love you want to give to a mate into yourself.

[tman666]

I really like Cee's idea about taking a year completely off of being desperate for a relationship/dating and focusing on yourself.

 

Every time you get rejected (either explicitly or by omission from the "scene"), your scars just reopen. It's a vicious cycle of building yourself up, going over your "pregame" strategy ad infinitum, and then failing and further spiraling into self loathing.

 

I took a year off from dating/relationships in general after 5 or so years of various relationships and dating scenarios (I know that our situations aren't the same here, but hear me out). It was one of the best things I've ever done.

 

I did not say to myself "ok, now I'm going to avoid relationships/dating/females at all costs for a year!" It was more of a mindset shift where I decided that I had a lot of things to improve upon with myself. I wanted to learn to be more comfortable in social situations without pressuring myself to make anything of them or have some sort of end goal in mind. I wanted to just let whatever happened happen, whether it be going to a crazy party with tons of beautiful girls or ditching class to sit on the roof with my roommates at 2:00 p.m. and drink beer. I wanted to play more sports and hang out with more of MY friends. I wanted to do more of the things that I wanted to do and have fun with it instead of trying to put on a show for others.

 

You need to stop pressuring yourself and putting so much of your self worth into what others think of you. You also need to stop viewing yourself as broken or not whole.

 

A great side affect of my "year off" was that in addition to doing more things that I liked doing, it actually ended up building my self confidence a lot. My mindset had changed into more of a "hey, this is what I do, this is what I think is funny, this is the music I like, and if you don't like it, then you can go f*** yourself". Instead of reaching out for approval from others, you need to learn to decide what you like being you for, enjoy the hell out of YOUR life, and then choose to let others in when you're damn well ready. Placing others on a pedestal will get you nowhere.

 

That doesn't mean that you need to be an arrogant butthead, but anchor yourself to the parts of your life that you enjoy. Sharing it with a special girl can come with time, but girls don't want to share with someone who doesn't already have their own life and interests.

 

After that year spent completely single, I was out with my pals celebrating a friends birthday. I was able to walk right up to a beautiful girl, sit down next to her, strike up a conversation and get her number. I didn't know her from Adam. I didn't spend more than 4-5 minutes deciding whether or not I was going to talk to her, and I certainly didn't think about what to say to her (pick up lines are for little boys). I didn't tell myself that night that I was going to try and pick up a girl that night. I was simply out having a good time, like I had been practicing doing over the past year. As an anecdote, I have been in a relationship with her for 3 years now.

 

In short, I don't think you're ready to be in a relationship, as much as you think that you are. This doesn't mean that you don't have a lot to offer, but you need to patch up the wounds first.

[impz]

Cee, that is a pretty radical idea. It does make sense on certain perspectives. If I was having a string of bad relationships, it would make perfect sense to take a break from dating.

 

In my case, I haven't had a date since June and no relationships to speak of at all.

 

I would love to give myself a break from the emotional pain. But how do I stop feeling lonely? I feel really bad when ever I see couples and I have to turn my head or cover my eyes whenever people kiss on TV because it makes me feel like crap.

 

I try to spend a lot of time on other things to keep my mind off my feelings. What sucks is as soon as I loose my focus for a second it immediately drifts to women etc. Times are hardest right before bed or when I'm showering since all I have are my thoughts. Some of them are very dark.

 

I like your idea of the pretend arranged marriage. I just wish I could believe it. Maybe with some hypno-therapy perhaps? My brain is just very logical. I wish I could just forget and not care about how my life is. I guess that's why people turn to drugs and alcohol.

 

I don't know what you mean by being emotionally unavailable for dating.

 

IMO at this time, I should be doing everything in my power to start dating. Stupidly, I still have hope and am not ready to give up.

 

 

It's not giving up though. As I stated earlier, if you can't take light in rejections, it might be better you stay away from the dating arena for a bit to have a bit of me time. You know, to love yourself first. I am a firm believer that if you cannot love or like yourself for who you are and find yourself unattractive, you ought to find love within yourself before reaching out to others. Trying to fill up the gap in your heart by searching for any random woman is not a solution. It's simply a disaster for failure.

 

Every rejection reinforces the thought that I'm a loser and women are never going to like me.

 

That simply reinforces my point that you have to really love yourself a bit more, and spend more time exploring about what is good about you. I am never in such a dire situation before, even though getting many rejections did put me down quite a bit. However, I invested time for myself and build my self-confidence that I do not need validation from other people to make myself feel or look good. Right now, you are indulging in some self-pity, and wallowing the negative reinforcement that is not true.

 

I am not sure of your faith (I don't have a religion myself), but I concur with some Christian saying that goes something like "God made every single person beautiful". It's really up to yourself to discover the beauty of yourself, before you share it with others.

 

In short, I don't think you're ready to be in a relationship, as much as you think that you are. This doesn't mean that you don't have a lot to offer, but you need to patch up the wounds first.

 

Quoted for truth.

Edited February 9, 2011 by impz

[bac]

Are there any women who want to date you and who are available for you?

Has any woman ever flirted/showed attention to you? Why don't you want to deal with them for a while? You can relieve your sexual needs and gain some confidence dealing with the women.