Suddenly felt very down after having a "good time."

[somedude81]

A lot of people are telling me that I should like/love myself first before I try to get into a relationship. The problem is that I just don't know how to randomly start liking myself. I'd need a reason. Right now the primary reason why I don't like myself is because I am single.

 

I'm able to hide my self-loathing very well and nobody picks up on it in real life. Long ago I figured out what makes girls run away. So I try very hard to make sure nothing negative comes from me.

You need to stop pressuring yourself and putting so much of your self worth into what others think of you. You also need to stop viewing yourself as broken or not whole.

I know that is the healthy thing to do. That's why I went to counseling. But wanting to have companionship is a fundamental human need that can't be washed away with therapy.

In short, I don't think you're ready to be in a relationship, as much as you think that you are. This doesn't mean that you don't have a lot to offer, but you need to patch up the wounds first.

I respectfully disagree.

 

I was ready to be in a relationship since I was 16 years old. In my case, the more years that go by, the harder it will be for me to even enter a relationship. I need to get into a relationship or start dating ASAP so I can continue on to the next stage of my human development.

 

Right now I'm lucky that I'm still in college and that I look and act much younger than 29. That way it's possible to date girls who are much younger than myself, who would have much lower expectations in a man, than a woman my age would have.

 

It's not giving up though. As I stated earlier, if you can't take light in rejections, it might be better you stay away from the dating arena for a bit to have a bit of me time.

As I said before, the reason I don't take light of rejections is that I tend to wait till after I've already fallen for somebody to ask them out. So of course it hurts when they reject me. It also means I ask out a very small number of girls.

 

What I realized is that I need to ask out girls soon after they pique my interest. That way if I get rejected, it's not going to devastate me, and I can move on to the next girl rather quickly.

 

I just need to get over the fear that being rejected is going to put me on some kind of social blacklist.

Are there any women who want to date you and who are available for you?

Not that I know of, it hasn't happened in years.

 

Trust me, if I new a woman wanted to date me, I would waste no time in trying to get with her, as long as she met my minimum criteria. It's been about four years since I knew of a girl at least being mildly interested in me.

 

Has any woman ever flirted/showed attention to you? Why don't you want to deal with them for a while? You can relieve your sexual needs and gain some confidence dealing with the women.

I have a very difficult time differentiating friendliness from flirtation. The last girl who seemed to be flirting with me and giving me physical attention had a boyfriend. I made a thread about her.

 

Besides her there was a girl who I spent a lot of time with last year. There were a few things that she did that I interpreted as flirting. In the end she ultimately rejected me. And I'm probably going to run into her today, which is something I'm not looking forward to.

 

This year once again there is a girl in my dance class who I think might be flirting with me. For all I know it could be the exact same situation as the girl before. I should just ask her out next week so I can rule her out. There are two other girls in that class that I may be interested in, but I'll have to talk to them a bit more.

 

Today is the first day of Japan club and there are always tons of girls in it. I'm sure I'll meet a few girls that I could be interested in. I just need to make sure and ignore the girl that's already rejected me and focus on new girls.

-----

Right now I believe that the only thing I need to do (and can do) to cure my depression is to start making progress with girls.

 

The only way to find out if I'm wrong, is to try it.

[tman666]

A lot of people are telling me that I should like/love myself first before I try to get into a relationship. The problem is that I just don't know how to randomly start liking myself. I'd need a reason. Right now the primary reason why I don't like myself is because I am single.

 

I'm able to hide my self-loathing very well and nobody picks up on it in real life. Long ago I figured out what makes girls run away. So I try very hard to make sure nothing negative comes from me.

 

I think you missed my point. You don't focus on randomly liking yourself. It's not like you stand in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a beautiful, unique snowflake every day for an hour. It's about having fun with the things YOU like doing! Surely there are at least some things that you enjoy doing that don't involve attracting females?

 

For me, it was things like hanging out with friends, playing some video games, playing rugby, focusing on the gym, going cross country skiing, etc.

 

Also, I'm not buying that people don't pick up on the fact that you're lonely and sad. They may not indicate so, but that doesn't mean they can't sense it. Either that, or they sense it as something else, such as being too eager to please, etc. Of course, I don't know you and maybe you're right, but I've never seen someone who felt like you do to be able to keep it all locked down 24/7.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why is it so crucially important to your feeling of being happy that you find a woman right now?

 

I'm telling ya brother, I've been in your shoes, and I've seen many of my own pals in your shoes. The ones that chilled out, took the time and exercised patience (however long it takes) to like themselves and develop their own lives are the ones that are doing well (some have girlfriends/wives, others do not but seem to be mostly happy).

 

The ones that consistently fretted about being with someone eventually got into abusive, cuckold-type relationships with girls that did not respect them (all of them got cheated on, forgave their dominatrices, and allowed the cycle to repeat), or they remained single while their feelings of inadequacy and loneliness slowly morphed into a strange bitterness that causes things like neglecting personal hygiene, losing the ability to recognize sarcasm, hoarding firearms, and generally being unsuccessful in almost every endeavor.

[creighton0123]

On a medicinal note, perhaps you should talk to your doctor about combining medications with non-conflicting holistic remedies. Proper diet and herbal treatment can go a long way in making you more balanced, more yourself.

 

On a personal note, it's important that you are able to separate loneliness and being alone. It is very possible for you to be alone and not feel lonely.

 

If you have the means, as well, one commenter suggested getting a pet. Friendly-breed dogs are very good therapy and can go a long way in helping you feel happier/more worthwhile since you're taking care of something beyond yourself. Also, I've heard that most women like cute dogs. Don't get a scary/less attractive breed :-)

 

At a relationship level, there are plenty of options outside of therapy and medicine. Consider paying a little bit for someone who is both a clinical therapist and a personal organizer. They can help you get your life, your living space, and your emotional state in order, help you to deal with any anxiety attacks. It might also help if you try online dating since you'll be in a pool of people you know are interested in dating.

 

When in doubt, ask questions tailored to the person you're dating and honestly listen. If someone you're dating is attracted to you and feels like you're giving them your full attention, you might have a few extra dates.

 

Lastly, if you do get out and date, absolutely make sure that you realize both of you have a decision to make. If you're not feeling romantically attracted or physically attracted to someone, great strength and self-confidence can come in letting that person know.

 

I would seriously investigate holistic medicine. Often, prescription medication for depression/anxiety have unwanted side effects that really just cover up the worst symptoms (exchange one symptom for another). One medicine can make you feel more balanced, but cause severe fatigue. Another one can make you feel happy, but cause massive headaches or decreased sex drive. Herbal medicine is often treating the imbalances without side effects and can mostly be used in combination with harder medicines with doctor's approval.

 

Don't self-medicate.

 

/ hug

[somedude81]

Man I've been in a real bad place these past few days.

 

Right now there are very few things that I enjoy doing. I used to be real into video games but I realized that more often than not they anger me instead of make me feel content. So if the main thing I do that is supposed to make me feel good actually has the opposite effect, that's a bad thing right?

 

The only things in my life that I actually enjoy, are watching anime and my social dance class.

 

I love anime because it lets me escape my life and I don't have to think. There's also no way I can lose, unlike video games. Dance class is great because it's the only time in my week where I get to interact with girls. For two hours a week, I get to pretend that I'm "that guy" who has women in his life.

 

Right now I'm trying to decide if it's worth asking somebody out if I know that they will reject me.

 

One girl has already given me a strong hint that she'd say no. The next girl probably has an 90% of rejecting me. And then there is one more girl at 75% chance. If she shows up tomorrow I'll try to see if I can do anything. Odds are it will be another bitter disappointment.

[new era]

Okay, I already told you - getting treatment for your severe depression comes FIRST.

 

No wonder you're not getting chicks.

 

And you never responded to the doggie/kitty suggestion.

 

Nothing like having a furry little thing greet you at the front door.

 

It's a absolutly, wonderfull way of giving love and GETTING it.

[somedude81]

Okay, I already told you - getting treatment for your severe depression comes FIRST.

 

No wonder you're not getting chicks.

Sadly, I've lost hope in the therapy thing. I think I've had about 5 therpists over the years. They might make me feel good for a day but it's not a real fix.

 

I'm also very broke, so I can't afford a "professional."

 

And you never responded to the doggie/kitty suggestion.

 

Nothing like having a furry little thing greet you at the front door.

 

It's a absolutly, wonderfull way of giving love and GETTING it.

My apartment doesn't allow pets.

 

BTW while I would love to have a cat, it's the wrong kind of pussy. Although my dream is to get a serval

[tman666]

Warning, Sumdude: if you're feeling particularly down right now, you might want to skip my post. I'm doing my best to not be negative, make you feel badly about yourself or sound like a jerk, but I also feel like I'm compelled to be as honest as I can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you considered doing something that's a little more "alpha"? I say this not to put you down or cast judgment on how tough/manly/whatever you are (for all I know, you could be one bad mofo), but to maybe suggest that in addition to your anime and dance classes that perhaps you do something like Martial Arts, lifting weights, joining a triathlon or running group, hiking club, etc. A lot of clubs get together after practice and socialize, which could be great for not only making friends, but potentially finding a girl. If you're out with the, let's say, triathlon team, you're suddenly "triathlon team guy" as opposed to "Sumdude81" in the eyes of any onlooking females. I'm not suggesting that you rely on jersey chasers to fulfill your relationship/sexual needs, but it could potentially help boost your confidence and give you practice.

 

Hell, you could join a LARP club and be doing something more traditionally manly than only watching anime and dancing. In my experience, a lot of girls at dance classes are there to dance (and be good at dancing). They judge you on your ability to dance. Perhaps I never really "got" the whole dancing scene, but I don't feel that dance classes are necessarily a good place to meet girls unless you're a very good dancer, and even then, they seem to be a different breed, so to speak. Again, that's just my personal experience.

 

I also gotta tell you: the majority of college aged girls are not into anime. I'm not saying they aren't out there, but they are relatively few and far between. I also hate to say it, but it's sort of polarizing: girls either think it's creepy or they are already into it. It's one thing to have your own hobbies and interests, but your interest in anime might be working against you. If you're the guy with posters of doey eyed, big titted anime girls on your walls, you might want to consider taking them down and keeping your anime time on the DL.

 

Again, I'm not calling you a sissy or anything like that, but I truly believe that some of these more "manly" activities can have a profound effect (for us guys) on not only the body, but self confidence levels (which, as you've been showing here, you seem to be in short supply)

 

Do you have any male friends or role models, if you don't mind me asking? It's not ghey or anything to have male role models, even if they're the same age or younger than you. Having other male pals whom you look up to can help boost your confidence and guide you when you're feeling unsure of what you need to do.

 

By the way, that serval thing looks pretty sweet. It looks like the pet of a James Bond villain or something.

[somedude81]

Manly activity?

 

About a year ago I was on a intramural soft-ball team. That was boring as hell and I didn't make any friends.

 

The next semester after that I was on an intramural flag-football team. That absolutely sucked and I ended up getting a concussion on the third game. I didn't stick around long enough to make friends but I doubt it even would have happened.

 

I'm too short 5'6, to competitively run track. I'm also not built for endurance.

 

I take it you've never been to a college dance class. You'd be surprised about the kinds of people that are in the class. Since I stick to the beginner level classes, for many people this is the first dance class they took, so they aren't dancers.

 

I'm in the gym 2-3 times a week doing heavy weights.

 

If you don't think it's a great place to meet women, I'd love to hear what you think is. For the record I get to spend about 2-3 minutes each with 30 different girls.

 

Anime is a private hobby. The only anime stuff I have is on my computer. I don't talk about it unless I know the person I'm talking to also watches it. I've also known several attractive girls who are into anime. The problem I found is that nerdy girls aren't any easier to get then "normal" girls.

 

Male friends or role models/mentors? No. I have never had another man to look up to. I love my father and we get along but he hasn't done anything that I would want to aspire to. His main focus about me seems to be helping me with my career. That's nice and all, but he seems blind to my struggles with women. During my most recent visit I was saying something about how I dislike love songs and he called me pathetic. I wanted to punch him in the face.

 

My high school buddies were losers just like me. I broke contact shortly after graduation becuase I knew that I was not going to develop if I stayed with them. Recently they tried to reconnect though FB. I didn't want any of that.

 

A few years ago I had a guy friend that I was starting to trust and look forward to, but that was thrashed once he started using me as a cover while he was cheating on his GF. I haven't had a guy friend since.

 

I think I've forgotten how to connect with guys. It doesn't really matter because I would be completely happy if I just had girls in my life as long as I got to date at least one.

[tman666]

Well, it sounds like your dance class experience is very different from the ones I experienced in college. If it's a positive experience for you, then it's definitely a good thing. My mistake.

 

Sorry to hear that your experience with friends seems to be not so good.

 

I don't really know what to tell you. Tou might want to try these two things:

 

1) make a detailed list of your needs. Don't just write "food, shelter, etc.", but write down the things you need (or think you need) to not only survive, but thrive and be happy. Put some real thought into it.

 

2) write down your idea of a perfect day. Again, think about it and go into as much detail as possible for the following questions:

 

-What time do you wake up?

 

-Who are you with?

 

-Where are you living?

 

-What does your house look like?

 

-What kind of music are you listening to?

 

-What kind of clothes are you wearing?

 

-What are you eating?

 

-What are you doing today?

 

-Are you working on something?

 

-Are you preparing for a trip?

 

-How much money are you making?

 

-Where are you going for lunch?

 

-Who are you meeting?

 

 

Thinking about this stuff can help you measure what you have and what you still need to be happy. While I personally disagree that you need a girl to be happy, you know yourself better than anyone.

[somedude81]

I appreciate you trying to help tman666. But as you said, you don't really know what to tell, me. In fact, I don't think there is a person alive who is qualified enough to really help.

 

I need to somehow figure this out myself and it's obvious I'm not doing a good job at it.

 

There are many things about this world that confuse me. And all I'm really trying do is find out how I can have some joy in my life.

 

For now I'm stuck in the endless loop where; I'm not happy because I can't get a girl, and I can't get a girl because I'm not happy.

[tman666]

I appreciate you trying to help tman666. But as you said, you don't really know what to tell, me. In fact, I don't think there is a person alive who is qualified enough to really help.

 

I need to somehow figure this out myself and it's obvious I'm not doing a good job at it.

 

There are many things about this world that confuse me. And all I'm really trying do is find out how I can have some joy in my life.

 

For now I'm stuck in the endless loop where; I'm not happy because I can't get a girl, and I can't get a girl because I'm not happy.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head saying that you've got to figure it out yourself. What worked for someone else may not apply to you. In the end, we've all got to come to the realization that we alone are responsible for our own happiness. To some, it might feel like a curse, but it should be liberating. Since you're alone with the burden of controlling your life, you alone get to make the decisions that count, good or bad.

 

I also suggest that you get to the root of why not having a girl is so devastating. This might take a lot of exploring and a lot of time, but finding out why this is weighing so heavily on you should be a priority, in my opinion.

 

Good luck man.

[somedude81]

Me wanting a girl in my life comes from the natural basic human desire of not wanting to be alone.

 

Heck God, thought that it was bad for man to be alone, so He made Eve.

 

Humans are driven to form relationships, it's why this very forum exists.

 

I feel like I'm going against nature trying to find ways to be happy when I'm by myself.

[Spices]

You have poor self image. Ever heard of the Law Of Attraction? Look it up.

 

I really recommend meditation. I used to relate to you. I had a negative self image and was on various anti depressants & saw several therapists. I can honestly say that reaching enlightenment through meditation has worked better than any drug or therapy session ever could. I now love myself, have a positive self image, I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I'm in a loving relationship.

 

Give it a try, there's nothing to loose. I recommend reading Eckhart Tolle.

Edited February 17, 2011 by Spices

[somedude81]

I've seen The Secret. The Law of Attraction is iffy. My mom fallowed it very seriously and it's done nothing for her.

 

I have tried meditation but I give up quickly. My mind is a constant noise when I'm not actively focused on something. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm also easily bothered by outside noise, and there isn't any place in my apartment where I can get total silence, even with wearing earplugs.

[Duckduckgoose]

Is it fair some people find love in their teens and early 20s and it takes others alot longer? No. I've cried myself to sleep, laid in bed all day trying to imagine what it would be like to lay there next to someone special.

 

 

And they end up divorced too. Its been said to never marry your HS sweetheart or the first person you fall in love with.

[tman666]

Me wanting a girl in my life comes from the natural basic human desire of not wanting to be alone.

 

Heck God, thought that it was bad for man to be alone, so He made Eve.

 

Humans are driven to form relationships, it's why this very forum exists.

 

I feel like I'm going against nature trying to find ways to be happy when I'm by myself.

 

Of course we're not meant to be alone. I wasn't trying to suggest that you be content with being alone forever. What I'm trying to get at is that you seem like you're in panic mode to find a girl. And that IS a problem.

 

With these girls that you mentioned you were asking (or thinking about asking) out: what's your approach like? Do you know them very well? What kind of social setting does this take place in? Do you consider them friends? Do they consider you a friend (this one is very important).

[Spices]

I've seen The Secret. The Law of Attraction is iffy. My mom fallowed it very seriously and it's done nothing for her.

 

It is "iffy" if you're one of those people who feel as if things just "happen" without doing any conscious work, or taking any opportunities. But that aside, the basics behind the idea are quite on key. The truth is, if you have a low opinion of yourself, then others are going to share your opinions. If you train yourself to think positively, you'll find life does get a lot easier.

 

I have tried meditation but I give up quickly. My mind is a constant noise when I'm not actively focused on something. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm also easily bothered by outside noise, and there isn't any place in my apartment where I can get total silence, even with wearing earplugs.

 

There is your problem. Don't give up so easily.

 

I recommend starting with Japa meditation, and going from there. Like anything, you become better at Meditation through practice. It's quite like exercising, or riding a bike. All you need are the basic set of fundamentals and your set. Japa meditation is a good meditation to start with for beginners who have trouble getting past the thoughts & clutter in their heads. Basically, you have to find a gap between your thoughts & the clutter, and when you find it try to stay there. Through time you'll find that space to be quite peaceful & you'll find yourself wanting to stay there. That that gap feels amazing, because that "gap" is essentially your essence without thought. It's your true self in your clearest state.

 

Realize that you are not your thoughts, views, feelings, or opinions. Stop trying to identify with them. You are the observer, the one who is aware of your thoughts, the one who can consciously control what flows in and out.

Edited February 17, 2011 by Spices

[tman666]

Realize that you are not your thoughts, views, feelings, or opinions. Stop trying to identify with them. You are the observer, the one who is aware of your thoughts, the one who can consciously control what flows in and out.

 

Sumdude, are you listening? This is very good advice.

[somedude81]

What I'm trying to get at is that you seem like you're in panic mode to find a girl. And that IS a problem.

Because I AM in panic mode.

 

29 years old and I have never been in a single relationship. That's enough to scare anybody male or female.

 

I have tried many ways to try and get a girl and all of them have failed. Soon I will graduate college and join the real world where it will be even harder to find people to date. I'll also have the added challenge of finding a woman my age whose willing to date a man with no relationship or sexual experience.

 

My current belief is that it's now or never.

 

I know I'm not a desirable guy and odds are that I never will be. So what is the point?

Edited February 18, 2011 by somedude81

[tman666]

Because I AM in panic mode.

 

29 years old and I have never been in a single relationship. That's enough to scare anybody male or female.

 

I have tried many ways to try and get a girl and all of them have failed. Soon I will graduate college and join the real world where it will be even harder to find people to date. I'll also have the added challenge of finding a woman my age whose willing to date a man with no relationship or sexual experience.

 

My current belief is that it's now or never.

 

I know I'm not a desirable guy and odds are that I never will be. So what is the point?

 

What makes you think that you're not "a desirable guy"? Do you stink? Are you hairier than a wookiee? Are you enormously fat? Do you spit when you talk and have bad breath?

 

I don't know you, but what I'm getting at is that from what I can see from the computer screen, you seem like someone who has a relatively healthy balance of hobbies, you're not unintelligent, you're not in completely horrible shape, etc. There doesn't seem to be any glaring reasons (other than your general attitude towards yourself) that would be preventing you from finding someone to reciprocate.

 

Also, life doesn't stop after college. Just because there won't be thousands of girls you see every day doesn't mean that they suddenly disappear or are less interested in forming relationships. Hell, they may even be in the same boat, suddenly finding that the "real world" doesn't necessarily allow for the amount of socializing/partying/meeting new people all of the time. It's not like they're all going to be married with children 6 months from now.

 

So "what's the point?" you ask? The point is that unless you want to keep on experiencing the same thing that you've been experiencing for the last 29 years, you're going to have to change something. You can't change other people. You can't change how rich you are (at least, very quickly), how tall you are, or what you look like (beyond body comp. changes, obviously).

 

However, you can work to improve your body composition, your knowledge base and education, your experiences (beyond the types of experiences that hinge on others' participation, such as a relationship), your emotional intelligence, your social skills and your general attitude/outlook on life.

 

They (the great "they") say it takes about 10,000 hours to be considered very good at something. Think about the time you've spent getting your education. What would you say that your best skills/qualities are? Chances are, they involve quite a bit of practice and trial and error.

 

So I ask again: what do you think makes you undesirable/unlovable?

 

Conversely, what do you think your strengths are as a person? What are you good at? What are you proud of (even if it was something in the past)?

 

Sorry for getting all Dr. Phil on you, but I'm legitimately curious as to why you are so convinced that you're doomed to the life of a hermit. I'm not buying it.

[somedude81]

This thread might as well be a journal of sorts. It may come in handy in the future.

What makes you think that you're not "a desirable guy"?

Because I only get rejected, like I just did a few hours ago.

 

We were classmates in the past and I talked to her a few times. I don't have her number so we were communicating over email. I was trying to get her to meet up with me next week and she was just being so evasive.

 

I hate how women just don't say no, they have to beat around the bush and hope you can figure it out.

 

Very rarely do I meet a girl that I feel that I have a strong enough connection with to ask out. And it really sucks that they all reject me. This just destroys my self-esteem.

 

Eventually I'm going to go though this batch of girls that I like with no success.

 

I am not looking forward to meeting new women because I can already see how it will end.

 

I'm just getting so tired of trying.

Edited February 21, 2011 by somedude81

[tman666]

What might save you some heartache in the future is perhaps look for more "markers of interest" or disinterest. For example, if a girl takes a long time getting back to you in your regular communications, there is a good chance she's not interested. A girl who is even remotely interested will likely make an attempt to respond to you ASAP.

 

Also, if she always seems busy or otherwise doesn't make time for you, she's not interested. I'd say that learning how to read markers of disinterest is even more important than trying to guess when she's interested. Email is a terrible, terrible way to try and really communicate with someone in this fashion, btw.

 

Gauging someone's reaction to you and what you say is a very important part of understanding each others' intentions. Email/texting/AIM, etc. takes that out. Responses are usually well thought out by either side. Us guys end up agonizing over how exactly to phrase what we want to say (or more likely, what we think we should be saying), while girls, especially ones who are not interested in romantic involvement, tend to come up with responses carefully worded not to say yes, but to come up with seemingly legit excuses and to "let you down softly". Bottom line is that an electronic response is not an indicator of interest by itself. If she doesn't say yes right away or express interest in setting up a more convenient date, then she's likely not interested.

 

If you learn to recognize these signs, you'll save a lot of face and avoid humiliation. Email is fine for some applications, but I'll never be persuaded that it's an effective medium for dating.