Being dumped by a group - how to cope?

[Hibou]

We all met in college. We're a foursome. The dynamic of the group has always been a bit judgemental. I sort of figured out who I was after college, but since this group of friends has never been very receptive to change, I began to feel tension between the real me, and the me they expected to see. I have a problem with honesty and emotional intimacy as well, so I had a hand in that.

 

I suffered some failures, and sank into depression. No one ever really reached out to me to ask me why I was so unhappy, and I resented them for that. I hated who I had become, and the rift began. After a year had passed, I'd flipped my life around in almost every way. I've gotten help for my ADHD and depression, I'm thinner, happier, and I'm working towards a lot of goals. I'm doing everything I always wanted to do. As I pulled myself together, the rift widened.

 

It's gotten to the point that they're clearly not happy to see me, but still invite me along. Then, we part ways, and I call and text all the time. No one responds. I tried to bring these issues up, but I was ignored more. I finally got one of them to talk it out with me today, and he stunned me by saying that he didn't think we had any friendship left to salvage, and that the others felt the same way. He said that they just didn't want to make the effort to end it or save it, so they just dragged me along for months. Why did I put up with this? I wouldn't put up with it from a guy!

 

I know - it's for the best. Even if we all were well-adjusted, I would still struggle to get them to "get" me. I have a lot of other friends in my life now that totally do, but they all sort of have their own things going on. I have no one to be my sidekick, so to speak.

 

My question is - how do I deal with losing all of my best friends at once? I know I make them sound terrible, but I have spent 7 years with these people, and most of them were amazing. Up until about a year and a half ago, we all called each other every day. We have spent every possible holiday and weekend together, and almost every picture I have of the last 7 years is us as a group.

 

It feels liberating, because I can be me without worrying about how to explain it to them. It's a relief to know that I can now communicate honestly with everyone in my life. Still, I can't look at or think of anything without being sad. Is that going to go away? I'm just so disappointed that we all let it end this way, and really hurt that they put so much blame on me.

 

Could this possibly sound more like a romantic break-up? I'm even laughing to myself about it. So maudlin.

[Vesna]

I empathise with how you feel since I had recently experienced something similar. You were sick. Your friends only liked you when you were happy go lucky. You grew stronger as a result of this feeling of abandonment and maybe your friends saw the change as a confrontation because I am sure they are not as stable as they think they are. Groups of people tend to freak out when one of the flock strays, in your case, into a better existence. I am sorry to say that they really weren't your friends and the world has a plethora of people who would love to fill their shoes. You have done some hard yards and earned the rewards and one of those rewards is new friends. I speak only from my own experience.

 

I don't have to tell you how to meet new people but have there been any people you have met during your recovery? Do you think they could help by directing you to people of like minds?

[Lipsy10]

For 7 years your life revolved around these friends and now they've dumped you. Of course you feel sad and it will take time to adjust to life without them. BUT you will move on. This happens to most people at some point, the fact is sometimes people just grow apart. You've obviously grown apart from your old group of friends and I think deep down you probably realised that some time ago but you stuck with them out of habit or loyalty or maybe you where scared of going it alone.

 

Your old friends have done you a favour Now you get to be you, the real you and I think you'll find that in time you'll be much happier without them.

[Hibou]

They're generally very co-dependent, settle-down types of people, and I'm working towards a career that would involve me being all over the world for half the year. So, I've always known that we would drift. We've all been through a lot of major life events with each other, and I guess I just always thought that the history we shared was more important than our differences.

 

I'm hurt, but I'm oddly not mad. I mean, if they don't want to be friends anymore, then it's really not even a decision. I'm just a little bitter that they get to keep each other and have a chance to improve their relationships, and I won't. I asked that they all call me individually so we can talk. I'm actually sort of excited to finally be able to clear the air about everything.

 

I just moved to Chicago, so I'm not without ways of meeting people. I'm going to try to start doing some fun classes and I'm lining up dates, too. I'm just really awkward with meeting people. You can't make new old friends, though.

[Cee]

You are completely on the right track by starting fresh. It is like a break up to me and it takes time to get over. I usually lose groups of friends when I make a major life change. The last time I lost all of my friends was during my divorce. But that was a good thing - my ex's friends were pretty toxic.

 

In Chicago, you will make new friends. And after some years have passed, these people will become your new old friends.

 

P.S. I love Chicago - lived there several years ago.

[Flavia]

Group dynamics are a challange... bu your last message made me want to share this quote I had saved with you:

 

Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'less you can catch a new one that's

fit to make an old one out of.

Sarah Orne Jewett

 

Sounds like your changes are a threat to their complacency... have a fabulous new adventure!

[whichwayisup]

No one ever really reached out to me to ask me why I was so unhappy, and I resented them for that. I hated who I had become, and the rift began. After a year had passed, I'd flipped my life around in almost every way. I've gotten help for my ADHD and depression, I'm thinner, happier, and I'm working towards a lot of goals. I'm doing everything I always wanted to do. As I pulled myself together, the rift widened.

True friends, and I mean friends that have your back no matter what, would NEVER do what they did to you..Abandon you at the worst time in your life. Disappear and not check in, worry about you, take you to your therapy appointments. GOOD FOR YOU for working through that stuff, it isn't easy to deal with what you dealt with. Now you're on a happier and healthier path, you deserve friends who will love you, care for you and not be just "happy go lucky" friends.

 

Don't reach out to them, just let it go. Let them go. It's a shame though, they've lost a good person, yet they don't know it! It's their loss, not yours! Remember that.

[Hibou]

Thank you all so much! The reassurance really means a lot.

 

It's funny how life works - I've been beating my brains out trying to find a job for 2 awful years. The day I found out about my friends, I got invited to interview for an amazing job where I'd be making quite a bit of cash. I'm so poor that I've gone to bed hungry! I've also got one job that's about to be offered to me, and another promising lead. WTF?

[spiderowl]

I'm a little puzzled as to what has happened here. Did this group reject you because you were depressed or was there more to it than that? Did you behave in a way they disliked? I think there is more to this story, especially as you mention problems with honesty. A person going through mental problems can be hard to deal with, especially for inexperienced young people who tend to take slights seriously rather than seeing it as a sign a person is struggling.

 

Whatever happened, and it could be that you were unable to be a good friend to them because you were unwell, one of them seems to have decided they've had enough. It's a shame and very hard for you. But, you know you've had problems and hopefully now you are coming out of them. This could be the start of a new life for you. You can learn from the past and start again with new people, cultivating new friends or even taking a little time out to develop hobbies instead. Don't see this as a failure but a phase in your life, part of your development.

 

I also think that if you start doing new things and socialising generally, you will find it liberating to have people look at you afresh without preconceptions. You will be a new and interesting person to them and you can resolve to put your past behind you. You never know, if your old friends see you making a better life and being the person you were before you fell ill, they may recognise that they weren't coping too well and start to include you. Don't bank on it though. Sometimes the past is meant to be past and we move on. Relationships have their own lifetimes, some last for ever, others last minutes, and still others fall by the wayside after a fairly intense friendship. I guess we all change and develop and tend to find people who suit our needs at the time.

 

Good luck with your new start!

Edited February 7, 2011 by spiderowl

[Hibou]

That was absolutely the case. We didn't have open lines of communication, so I resorted to snarky comments and eye rolls. I was a bitch. I totally accept that, and I've apologized. I'm just not interested in being that person anymore.

 

I'm having dinner with the one I'm closest with this week to sort things through. I think I'm done with being part of the team, but she and I can talk through it. She's the more reasonable one. Still, some distance will be needed for me to figure myself out. In typical breakup fashion, I've already selected a new haircut.

[SilverLining]

Hey, I hope everything went well speaking with your friend. I'm in Chicago too, and I just got dumped by my group of friends, but I don't have a reason why really. It sucks. I'm going to try joining some type of girl meetup or whatnot. I have made some other friends but that was sort of my group for going out to things with. So anyway, if you want to talk, PM me.

[ByShine]

chicago is one hell of a windy city eh

[TurboGirl]

Well I've been there many years ago. Went on a girls vacation to the islands with 3 other girls (we were 23 at the time, college friends for 5 years) I met a guy & slept with him and to this very day we are still in touch as friends via email.

 

Those B*****s decided that I was a slut and cold shouldered me the entire rest of the trip, the way home, and on... and on... Really ripped me up.

 

Hard to tell how old you are, but young women & men (and older ones too!) can be really immature and spiteful in groups. Its like negative nasty feeds on itself, and they make themselves feel good by dissing you. Totally sick, and these folks are not really your friends. Quit trying to make people "get you" -- if they care, they will be willing to understand you and like you even if they don't understand everything. Understanding every little thing about a person is not a necessity or requirement to be a good friend. :-) Buck up, there are many more people out there who will appreciate you!