Interview with a Cheater

[xxoo]

Prove to me (without going back to that old convenient argument that i shot out of the water about the irony of sex) that he was a bad husband and a bad father...prove this...definitively

 

The "irony of sex" in this case is that he and his wife have sex.

 

Roy: Like most people who have lived together more than a decade, it has its ups and downs. We have sense at least once a fortnight, a couple of times a week at most. We don't go more than a month without sex. It can be good, it can be bad, that's marriage.

 

We can only wonder how much sex they'd have if he weren't having sex with 2 other women on the side

[bentnotbroken]

To try to understand you... I can say what I think... you can retort and perhaps I'll learn as a result.

 

Hes not able to retort or defend himself....its just an article

 

 

Ahhh. But does he need defending. He seems perfectly happy with the way he lives his life. It doesn't appear he is looking to defend his position at all, he appears perfectly content. It is what it is for him. I agree it is just an article.

[StoneCold]

The "irony of sex" in this case is that he and his wife have sex.

 

Roy: Like most people who have lived together more than a decade, it has its ups and downs. We have sense at least once a fortnight, a couple of times a week at most. We don't go more than a month without sex. It can be good, it can be bad, that's marriage.

 

We can only wonder how much sex they'd have if he weren't having sex with 2 other women on the side

 

I could be wrong but he doesnt sound too satisfied

[StoneCold]

I gotta go now guys...Its been...."rich" lol

 

I'll be back

[LifesontheUp]

AH HA...Lifesonthe Up... just MAY have gotten it.

 

You're right.. and just because others have an issue with it...doesnt mean others dont.... and vice versa...and thats my point.....you dont know..it could be anything

 

This is why I have no opinion...

 

It is clear from the interview that his wife does not know. Surely you have an opinion on whether his wife should know, just like your friend did?

 

Just like your friend had a choice, on how to deal with the betrayal surely this mans wife should also have the choice on how to deal with it too?

[donnamaybe]

Prove to me (without going back to that old convenient argument that i shot out of the water about the irony of sex) that he was a bad husband and a bad father...prove this...definitively

Please point out where I said he was a lousy father. However, he IS a bad husband. He is deceiving his wife in what SHE would most likely deem an awful way. And don't try to obfuscate the discussion by claiming in a falsely innocent way that you don't already KNOW that cheating is a VERY hurtful thing to almost EVERYONE.

 

 

 

No...its because I'm not being dense. You need to understand the the rest of the world doesn't live according to your definition of acceptable.

So it's acceptable to do hurtful things to the one person who is supposed to be able to trust you? Really? Is that the kind of relationship YOU want? I highly doubt it. And please don't further the idea you think we have of you, as you pointed out above (and which I bolded for clarity), by pretending, once again, that you don't know that secretly sharing what is supposed to be THE most intimate act with someone outside your relationship is alright with all parties.

 

Case in point...

 

I have a friend that was cheated on by her man....she subsequently got pissed off.

 

You say he is a donkey's butt because he cheated. SHE...you know the one that was cheated on? couldn't give a rats ass that he cheated. What pissed her off is that he wasnt careful and as a result he ended up publily embarrassing her (long story). Otherwise she would have been cool.

Well, good for them! And they are free to have an open relationship all they want. But, once again, are you going to pretend you don't know that MOST people do NOT want things that way? And if it's so wonderful an option, why doesn't someone who can't keep his dick in his pants just discuss said arrangement prior to making promises of fidelity?

But shes supposed to be mad for the same reasons you would be mad right? Why? Because you are the "great and wonderful you"? LMAO

Of course your friend who can't keep his dick in his pants doesn't have to have a wife that gets mad because of his wandering penis. What a ridiculous notion. Really grasping now, aren't you!

 

If the guy in the article has a wife who wouldn't be upset with his cheating, why does he try so hard to keep it from her? He said he is VERY careful she doesn't find out. We all know why. Because she would be pissed as hell! And, again, please don't pretend to believe that EVERYONE is okay with their partner f'ing around with whoever they feel like as long as they pretend they're not doing it.

 

And, by the way, yes. I am "great and wonderful." Take a lesson.

[donnamaybe]

Is she the one you are considering cheating with? I looked at your past posts and saw you want to learn how to have an affair but are a little worried of the negative repercussions. If she is the one and she is telling you she didn't mind him cheating then I think she is ready for you.

Ahhh, everything is becoming CRYSTAL clear now.

[xxoo]

Maybe the problem is with him.

 

That much is pretty clear

[donnamaybe]

Maybe the problem is with him.

He's not the only one with "the problem."

 

I wonder if someone who so desperately wants to screw around behind his wife's back and has a daughter who is 110% percent "the apple of his eye" would tell the truth that he wants an open relationship. Doubt it.

 

Stay tuned for the lying!

Edited February 7, 2011 by donnamaybe

[Fight4Me]

I gotta go now guys...Its been...."rich" lol

 

I'll be back

 

Yup, better run catch your school bus!

[donnamaybe]

Yup, better run catch your school bus!

Ha ha haaaaa!

[Owl]

I gotta go now guys...Its been...."rich" lol

 

I'll be back

 

I'm sure you will be.

 

I'm curious tho...are you married/ever been married?

 

If so...what did you tell/imply to your spouse about being faithful? About your plans/intentions for the marriage, and being in a committed, monogamous relationship? Did you have different vows than most, and if so, how?

 

If not married...what do you believe are the expectations of those people that are married? Do you believe that they married with the promise of commitment/monogamy?

 

Do you believe that it's "ok" to cheat and lie to your spouse about it...knowing that if they find out they're going to be emotionally devestated by your actions? Why is that "ok"? Or do you feel that they should expect it...or that they "have it coming" somehow?

[Stung]

I have to say this is a huge statement to me. Sex isn't important until something drastic happens. How many people won't discuss sex with a partner? How many people won't entertain the idea of trying something new? Rhetorical question but we all know there are a lot. Most people can't have conversations as simple as 'I like this' or 'I want to try that' but when things fall apart the importance of it is huge.

 

Sex is a big deal. Intimacy is a big deal. I've fought the battle on this in here before and been napalmed for it but it is. Sex and money rip marriages apart every day.

 

Sex isn't important until it is and more often than not couples don't discuss what they like. I tried to talk about experimenting with my last partner and he would turn red and was really uncomfortable. I did it once or twice and then just didn't bother. When I got bored I left. We weren't married and if we were I still don't think I could have cheated but it was big enough to end the relationship and it would have kept me from marrying him even though he was a great man and I loved him to bits. Sex is important. FYI I was mid 40s and he was mid 30s.

 

Don't bother with the 'what if there's a physical condition'. I've fought that one out on here and I really don't want to do it again. Sex takes the form of whatever 2 people want it to be. Whatever their capabilities are. Whatever form it takes it is vital in a long term R whether it be M or having a long term unmarried SO.

 

Of course sex is important. I don't actually know anybody IRL who would claim it is not. But then I don't know many adults who function sexually in the way you describe either, although I went through my own shy phase as a youngster of course and have heard of such prolonged adolescences. In the circles I have traveled in, for the most part people are fairly open about their preferences and predelictions, they seem to be confident lovers who embrace their own sexuality. I certainly don't know many adults who are incapable of saying "I like this." I've known several couples/triads who embraced a poly or swinging lifestyle, even, and yet cheating still occurred within their agreed-upon boundaries, so to label infidelity simply a byproduct of prudish social mores or frigid wives or whatever is pretty...simplistic, IMO.

 

Perhaps a participant? One can't help but wonder after reading the ferocious posts which are obviously leaning in a certain direction.

 

Yes, that poster has been quite open about his sexless marriage and his infidelities on a thread on the Marriage Boards. I'd say he's projecting his own perspective onto this article pretty heavily, while simultaneously deriding others for seemingly identifying with the wife. Nowhere in the article actually being discussed here does the interviewed MM state that he is in an unfulfilling marriage, in fact he specifically says he has regular sex with his wife and their sex life has the usual ups and downs. He also says he was married once before and cheated on that wife too so I'm pretty sure he wasn't blindsided by the reality of marriage as StoneCold seemed to suggest in one of his posts.

 

 

Honestly you haven't said anyrhing ferocious. You just haven't toed the party line. It's why I post obly sporadically.

 

Party lines are preferred on both the Infidelity and OW/OM boards but I have seen plenty of reasonable discussion, when approached in a reasonable manner with certain vitriolic members put on ignore. I'm surprised you don't see how rude StoneCold has been right from the beginning in this particular thread, if you feel he is being ganged up on here perhaps you should reread his posts for tone. I certainly hope he doesn't walk up to strangers IRL and address them with such little respect or regard.

 

We only know what he's chosen to share.

 

According to what he's shared, he's a douche

 

Come on....he isn't only lying to his wife (insert justifications here because marriage is such a terrible prison). He's lying to the 2 OW as well! He's a douche!

 

We don't know his wife....but he does. He says he loves her (has sex with her, too, btw), and wants to remain married to her. He risks all that for extramarital sex. He's a douche. Poor her.

 

Yes. Whatever your beliefs about sex in or out of marriage, it's inescapable fact that the man himself admits that he is lying to at least three women, and describes his own marriage as relatively happy, stating that he loves his wife and has regular sex with her.

[Scrivdog]

You know what I find Ironic?

 

Sex and sexual needs always seems to have to take a back seat within a marriage. It goes way down on the list because its "not important". "Not everything is sex" they will say..

 

Then you get caught cheating (duh) and then sex becomes the elephant in the room.

 

Give me a break

Ain't that the truth?

 

I realize that you holier than thou screechers out there are appalled at this man's behavior and would suggest he dump her off on the side of the road instead. But let's face it - the guy's wife can barely get herself to have sex with her husband any more than once or twice a month. And yet she doesn't mind that he takes care of the her and the household.

 

If he doesn't like rubbing one out in the bathroom every other day, I'd say having willing women probably is a way more appealing choice. Not so sure I'd blame the guy.

[StoneCold]

All these "responses" LMAO....its clear none of you get my point and likely never will. No sense going back and forth.

 

I must say bentnotbroken is the only sensible one.... she accepts that this matter is really only a matter of opinion (which is what I tried to convey...but because I dont agree with you I'm rude ) she has her opinion.. I have mine...we identified that nobody will change the other and we agreed to disagree.

 

I wish you all the best of luck....

[donnamaybe]

All because I dont agree with you I'm rude

That's not why.

[Owl]

I'm actually quite interested in a response to my questions, SC.

 

I'd like to understand what created your viewpoint.

 

I'd like to know how the impacts to others fit into that viewpoint as well.

[donnamaybe]

Don't hold your breath. None of my very valid questions were addressed. There was lots of talking in circles AROUND the questions, but you won't get anything.

 

However, now that it's been pointed out that he's married and looking to cheat, his vitriolic responses on this thread make lots of sense.

[StoneCold]

Don't hold your breath. None of my very valid questions were addressed. There was lots of talking in circles AROUND the questions, but you won't get anything.

 

Your questions had more holes in them than swiss cheese. I simply couldnt be bothered with you as you may even have a reading comprehension problem

 

 

I'm actually quite interested in a response to my questions, SC.

 

I'd like to understand what created your viewpoint.

 

I'd like to know how the impacts to others fit into that viewpoint as well.

 

You Owl... I will answer because in as much as we may have differing opinions you seem reasonable.

 

What created my viewpoint? observations of many many different people... talking to them...asking their opinions...combined with my own experiences.

 

My mistake is I didnt listen to any of them and wasnt ready to acknowledge them until after I got married...thats my bad. But I've always been the type not to judge quickly like all others here...even back when I wasnt the type to cheat AT ALL (Yup we ALL change people...deal with it); I just was never short sighted like that. My Dad even cheated on my mom and as much as I love (and still love) both of them to pieces...I had no opinion of that either..and again that was back when I would have never cheated.

[donnamaybe]

Please point out where I said he was a lousy father. However, he IS a bad husband. He is deceiving his wife in what SHE would most likely deem an awful way. And don't try to obfuscate the discussion by claiming in a falsely innocent way that you don't already KNOW that cheating is a VERY hurtful thing to almost EVERYONE.

 

 

 

So it's acceptable to do hurtful things to the one person who is supposed to be able to trust you? Really? Is that the kind of relationship YOU want? I highly doubt it. And please don't further the idea you think we have of you, as you pointed out above (and which I bolded for clarity), by pretending, once again, that you don't know that secretly sharing what is supposed to be THE most intimate act with someone outside your relationship is alright with all parties.

 

Well, good for them! And they are free to have an open relationship all they want. But, once again, are you going to pretend you don't know that MOST people do NOT want things that way? And if it's so wonderful an option, why doesn't someone who can't keep his dick in his pants just discuss said arrangement prior to making promises of fidelity?

Of course your friend who can't keep his dick in his pants doesn't have to have a wife that gets mad because of his wandering penis. What a ridiculous notion. Really grasping now, aren't you!

 

If the guy in the article has a wife who wouldn't be upset with his cheating, why does he try so hard to keep it from her? He said he is VERY careful she doesn't find out. We all know why. Because she would be pissed as hell! And, again, please don't pretend to believe that EVERYONE is okay with their partner f'ing around with whoever they feel like as long as they pretend they're not doing it.

 

And, by the way, yes. I am "great and wonderful." Take a lesson.

Actually, there are some very valid questions in this post. However, my post actually takes into account the feelings of the other person. I suppose that's the "holes in it" part you just couldn't deal with.

[StoneCold]

Actually, there are some very valid questions in this post. However, my post actually takes into account the feelings of the other person. I suppose that's the "holes in it" part you just couldn't deal with.

 

you keep believing that

[donnamaybe]

I'd like to know how the impacts to others fit into that viewpoint as well.

You missed this one...

Don't you think a cheating spouse would impact their partner, most of the time negatively?

[donnamaybe]

you keep believing that

Yup. Just what I thought. Very valid questions (I bolded them for you since you seem to continually refuse to see the obvious), and you refuse to answer because to honestly do so will make it very clear exactly how ...

 

Never mind. I like LS, with the exception of a few cold hearted folks.

[StoneCold]

.

 

I'd like to know how the impacts to others fit into that viewpoint as well.

 

Oh yes...this one... impacts... like EVERYTHING ELSE some will be positive..others will be negative....Nobody can live their life free of "breaking some eggs" so you do your best to mitigate the negatives...

 

in the case of this article..... he doesnt tell his wife (no impact) if he gets caught (impact). But if doing this enables him to come home "evened out" and not fuss and fight with his wife in front of his kids which will in turn allow him to be a good father and husband in all other aspects (you have absolutely no idea how many have told me that one before....didnt get it then...but I get it now)... then who are any body to condemn?

[Owl]

Oh yes...this one... impacts... like EVERYTHING ELSE some will be positive..others will be negative....Nobody can live their life free of "breaking some eggs" so you do your best to mitigate the negatives...

 

in the case of this article..... he doesnt tell his wife (no impact) if he gets caught (impact). But if doing this enables him to come home "evened out" and not fuss and fight with his wife in front of his kids which will in turn allow him to be a good father and husband in all other aspects (you have absolutely no idea how many have told me that one before....didnt get it then...but I get it now)... then who are any body to condemn?

 

I see your point, but there are a number of assumptions in your post that I thought I'd point out.

 

Many people ASSUME that there are "no impacts if the wife doesn't find out".

 

My experience (and this is bolstered by my years of posting on this site and others, reading hundreds if not thousands of stories) has been that there are often still huge impacts...the only difference is, the betrayed spouse doesn't always understand the SOURCE of those impacts.

 

The time spent away, the money often diverted from the family/spouse to fund the affair, the emotional withdrawl that often sets in as the wayward spouse begins to invest more and more emotionally into their affair partner and less and less into their marriage.

 

That's a key thing you're overlooking as well. Many many times we've seen stories on here where they start out as being physical only...but people have trouble keeping it only physical or only emotional...typically the boundaries are crossed and it becomes both. Suddenly its more than just 'being with' someone else, you're emotionally investing in that relationship too.

 

Often the betrayed spouse senses that "growing distance"...but isn't sure what the cause of it is.

 

They DO feel the emotional impacts...and/or the financial ones as well.

 

But they often don't know the SOURCE of those impacts until someone is caught or confesses.

 

As far as "not breaking any eggs"...well, you're right, we all have impacts on the people around us whether we want to or not. But that doesn't give us carte blanche to do so without care, concern, or responsibility...ESPECIALLY to those that we love and have made promises to.

 

I understand you're not happy in your marriage today...but this prompts the question...why do you stay if you feel that way???

 

If you're not happy with the relationship you're in...either work to improve it...or end it for one that does meet your needs. Makes sense to me at least.