Interview with a Cheater

[StoneCold]

Finally a sensible person...

 

I see your point, but there are a number of assumptions in your post that I thought I'd point out.

 

Many people ASSUME that there are "no impacts if the wife doesn't find out".

 

My experience (and this is bolstered by my years of posting on this site and others, reading hundreds if not thousands of stories) has been that there are often still huge impacts...the only difference is, the betrayed spouse doesn't always understand the SOURCE of those impacts.

 

The time spent away, the money often diverted from the family/spouse to fund the affair, the emotional withdrawl that often sets in as the wayward spouse begins to invest more and more emotionally into their affair partner and less and less into their marriage.

 

Of course there are always those factors... which may or may not b relevant from situation to situation... finances could be an issue... or not (they are well off or comfortable). I agree in many cases the source is shrouded but not all....people theses days speak up more and more and many times nothing still is done after given ample warning be it direct or indirect.

 

That's a key thing you're overlooking as well. Many many times we've seen stories on here where they start out as being physical only...but people have trouble keeping it only physical or only emotional...typically the boundaries are crossed and it becomes both. Suddenly its more than just 'being with' someone else, you're emotionally investing in that relationship too.

 

Often the betrayed spouse senses that "growing distance"...but isn't sure what the cause of it is.

 

They DO feel the emotional impacts...and/or the financial ones as well.

 

 

Sure this is something to watch out for...but maybe it was destined to happen that way...who knows. And don't forget there can be "emotional cheating" something many here don't have the wherewithal of understanding...because cheating someone only involves sex ...which can lead to similar outcomes (maybe even worse). Betrayal doesn't always have to be sex the the one being cheated on MAY be guilty of this (again you never know). People do this Owl...a lot....this is what I have observed of many. Why is it that when its sex its bad but other things are overlooked?

 

You dont know...you just dont know... so why judge... thats my point

 

 

 

 

As far as "not breaking any eggs"...well, you're right, we all have impacts on the people around us whether we want to or not. But that doesn't give us carte blanche to do so without care, concern, or responsibility...ESPECIALLY to those that we love and have made promises to.

 

No it doesnt....so as I said.. you try to mitigate it... think it through, be careful...do your best...you may succeed you may fail. But that is life as it applies to most things. As with the article.... Hes doing what he can to mitigate it the best he knows how by being very careful. Combine that with the fact that I dont have all the facts and I have no opinion.

 

I understand you're not happy in your marriage today...but this prompts the question...why do you stay if you feel that way???

 

If you're not happy with the relationship you're in...either work to improve it...or end it for one that does meet your needs. Makes sense to me at least.

 

Another thing I didnt get then but get now.... I always wondered why my parents stayed together but I get it now. I'm not saying its the right move...but I see it.

 

You dont just wake up one day and say "I want a divorce"..especially if you have kids...not because you think you're doing them a favour but for your own selfish reasons.... In my case... I don't want to lose my daughter. And you can work to fix it but you wont wake up one day with a fixed marriage either.

 

All of this takes time...but you may have to do what you need to along the way

Edited February 7, 2011 by StoneCold

[donnamaybe]

Yes, SC, it is possible to be betrayed without sex. Of course. Such as a person who pretends to be one thing to snag that wedding ring, and then turning into something altogether different. Yeah, they may not have lied to you, but they DID deceive you. That's no better, IMO, and something I went through with my ex. He pretended to give a 5h!t about someone besides himself. Unfortunately, that didn't last long. Neither did the marriage. I wasn't going to be tied to someone like that, children or no, and I did something about it. To remain together but not be loving like a couple should would be, IMO, teaching my son the wrong things about what a love relationship between two people is supposed to be.

 

But here's the thing: You say you might lose your daughter. What do you think would happen to your marriage and your relationship with your daughter's mother if she caught you cheating on her? Don't you think the damage would be mitigated by getting a divorce instead in an above board, civil kinda way? And NO one can keep you from being with your daughter. The courts don't allow it.

[StoneCold]

But here's the thing: You say you might lose your daughter. What do you think would happen to your marriage and your relationship with your daughter's mother if she caught you cheating on her? Don't you think the damage would be mitigated by getting a divorce instead in an above board, civil kinda way?

 

Sure... but

 

A) They are hardly civil

 

B) It may not have any negative effect because things have deteriorated based on other things...again, theres always other factors...gotta look at those too.

 

C) Its a process...in as much as divorce may be the answer its not an overnight decision

[donnamaybe]

Sure... but

 

A) They are hardly civil

More civil, I'd wager, than an affair D day.

 

B) It may not have any negative effect because things have deteriorated based on other things...again, theres always other factors...gotta look at those too.

sorry for being obtuse, but - huh?

 

C) Its a process...in as much as divorce may be the answer its not an overnight decision

Of course it's not. Have you tried to talk to your wife about your unhappiness? Does she care?

[StoneCold]

More civil, I'd wager, than an affair D day.

 

You assume there would be a D-Day.... maybe they'd just say.. "ok thats it...lets get a divorce" ...and done...and when things have deteriorated thats how it will likely play out. Whats to get mad about, they've been mad about any and everything under the sun for x amount of time. Either that or it will just blend in with all the other fights.

 

 

sorry for being obtuse, but - huh?

 

You asked me about the affect of my relationship with my daughters mother?

 

 

Of course it's not. Have you tried to talk to your wife about your unhappiness? Does she care?

 

Yes...and ...no

[donnamaybe]

You assume there would be a D-Day.... maybe they'd just say.. "ok thats it...lets get a divorce" ...and done...and when things have deteriorated thats how it will likely play out. Whats to get mad about, they've been mad about any and everything under the sun for x amount of time. Either that or it will just blend in with all the other fights.

What's she so mad about?

 

 

 

 

You asked me about the affect of my relationship with my daughters mother?

Ahh, gotcha. Since she's already pissy, it can't get much worse?

 

 

 

 

Yes...and ...no

Well, that sucks. Why is she so cold toward you, if you don't mind my asking? Is there some definitive disagreement, or is she just - that way?

[Stung]

All these "responses" LMAO....its clear none of you get my point and likely never will. No sense going back and forth.

 

I must say bentnotbroken is the only sensible one.... she accepts that this matter is really only a matter of opinion (which is what I tried to convey...but because I dont agree with you I'm rude ) she has her opinion.. I have mine...we identified that nobody will change the other and we agreed to disagree.

 

I wish you all the best of luck....

 

No. You are rude because you deride other's opinions as 'laughable,' suggested that everyone who disagreed with you made no sense and was incapable of making an objectively valid argument, and continued to say things like you 'couldn't be bothered responding to [a poster] as they have a reading comprehension problem.' That's rude, pretty much by definition.

 

It's certainly possible to have a reasonable, civil conversation with people you disagree with. For example, I have a fundamental disagreement on the very nature of reality with another poster in this thread. If I may use her as an example (hope you don't mind, Bent), Bentnotbroken is a pretty devout Christian, while I am an atheist. Yet we have never belittled each other's opinions because of this, and I can only speak for myself but I have respect for her intelligence and am in no way threatened by her right to have different thoughts and emotions about the nature of the universe than I do. You seem to be very big on invalidating the opinion of everyone who has a fundamental disagreement with you, pretty ironic considering the crux of your argument.

[donnamaybe]

No. You are rude because you deride other's opinions as 'laughable,' suggested that everyone who disagreed with you made no sense and was incapable of making an objectively valid argument, and continued to say things like you 'couldn't be bothered responding to [a poster] as they have a reading comprehension problem.' That's rude, pretty much by definition.

 

It's certainly possible to have a reasonable, civil conversation with people you disagree with. For example, I have a fundamental disagreement on the very nature of reality with another poster in this thread. If I may use her as an example (hope you don't mind, Bent), Bentnotbroken is a pretty devout Christian, while I am an atheist. Yet we have never belittled each other's opinions because of this, and I can only speak for myself but I have respect for her intelligence and am in no way threatened by her right to have different thoughts and emotions about the nature of the universe than I do. You seem to be very big on invalidating the opinion of everyone who has a fundamental disagreement with you, pretty ironic considering the crux of your argument.

This is spot on. SC, do you deal with your wife like this? That could be the crux of your problem.

[StoneCold]

Why?... to be completely honest with you I really dont know...cant quite put my finger on it and everytime I try to figure out it ends in a fight.

 

so....I threw up my hands...said to myself "I hate fighting...I just want to come home and hug my daughter.......BUT I have my needs.....so I'm going to have to address them while I try to figure this thing out"

[donnamaybe]

Why?... to be completely honest with you I really dont know...cant quite put my finger on it and everytime I try to figure out it ends in a fight.

Have you discussed things with her with the same M.O. you've used on this thread, because if you do, therein lies the problem.

[StoneCold]

No. You are rude because you deride other's opinions as 'laughable,' suggested that everyone who disagreed with you made no sense and was incapable of making an objectively valid argument, and continued to say things like you 'couldn't be bothered responding to [a poster] as they have a reading comprehension problem.' That's rude, pretty much by definition.

 

It's certainly possible to have a reasonable, civil conversation with people you disagree with. For example, I have a fundamental disagreement on the very nature of reality with another poster in this thread. If I may use her as an example (hope you don't mind, Bent), Bentnotbroken is a pretty devout Christian, while I am an atheist. Yet we have never belittled each other's opinions because of this, and I can only speak for myself but I have respect for her intelligence and am in no way threatened by her right to have different thoughts and emotions about the nature of the universe than I do. You seem to be very big on invalidating the opinion of everyone who has a fundamental disagreement with you, pretty ironic considering the crux of your argument.

 

Well now thats funny because before you had all these choice things to say about me I was having actually a very constructive conversation with others because they weren't trying to pick a fight with me (or stopped trying to).

 

1) I buried the hatchet with bentnotbroken EVENTHOUGH we disagree.

2) I am having a constructive conversation with Owl

3) I'm even conversing nicely with Donna for god sakes

 

 

But I'm the rude ass that invalidates people....

[StoneCold]

Have you discussed things with her with the same M.O. you've used on this thread,

 

nope..

 

 

Many of you may think I'm a terrible, arrogant, assh*le but I'm actually pretty easy going and calm.... I may get passionate in my discussions and I can be set off (like anybody else)...but all in all I'm alright lol

[Owl]

Does your wife truly realize that if things don't change you're likely to "go somewhere else"?

 

I'd caution you...for most BS's (betrayed spouses), it's extremely RARE to see a situation where "d-day" happens and it's not the greatest emotional turmoil that the marriage has ever seen...even in those marriages where turmoil and strife seem to be the norm.

 

Odds are, she's going to be even MORE hurt and angry than every before...the chances of her accepting this as "what it is" are probably so small as to be pretty much impossible. The odds are it'll be far WORSE because of the current dynamic...not less so.

 

Honest question here...do you care what she's likely to go through emotionally if/when she finds out?

 

From your posts so far, it sounds like you feel she'd have it coming to some degree...so it's an honest question.

[xxoo]

Have you discussed things with her with the same M.O. you've used on this thread, because if you do, therein lies the problem.

 

It's the chicken and the egg....which came first? The dismissing man or the icy wife?

 

In the case of the man in the article, it is pretty clear that he stepped into the marriage unprepared/unwilling to make it an intimate, satisfying relationship. He cheated on his first wife, and started cheating just 2 years into his second marriage--even though sex was regular. Clearly his issues.

[donnamaybe]

nope..

 

 

Many of you may think I'm a terrible, arrogant, assh*le but I'm actually pretty easy going and calm.... I may get passionate in my discussions and I can be set off (like anybody else)...but all in all I'm alright lol

To be honest, yes. You did come across that way. Swinging.

 

So you honestly don't invalidate her opinions like you did most of the people on this thread? 'Cause that will turn any discussion into a fight.

 

But, really, if you wife just doesn't care, that's a HUGE problem.

[donnamaybe]

Let's review, shall we?

Wow... sounds like you guys drank a little too much of the punch

 

 

Oy Vey

SC, this was your VERY first post in this thread, complete with the sarcastic smiley. And you think others picked a fight?

 

Really, you should step back and take a look at how you communicate. It's not the type of communication that begs for understanding. In fact, it BEGS for a fight - and you got several. Why are you surprised by that?

[donnamaybe]

Here's the next one, and no one has even engaged you yet.

Some of the remarks on this thread are laughable

See how you are invalidating others' opinions?

[StoneCold]

Honest question here...do you care what she's likely to go through emotionally if/when she finds out?

 

From your posts so far, it sounds like you feel she'd have it coming to some degree...so it's an honest question.

 

 

Its a fair question....uhh..yes and no

 

I would care because I absolutely hate hurting people which is why I'm so careful. I also cant help but remember that things weren't always like this... so no... I wouldnt like that

 

BUT

 

a part of me wouldn't care because she has seriously hurt me...I even told her what she did and she dismissed it which made it hurt even more (dont ask me...I dont want to get into it.... but there is more to cheating than sex...much more).

 

I wouldnt be surprised if she even knew...shed be foolish to to see this coming; and shes a sharp one

[donnamaybe]

Still no one has quoted and answered one of your posts yet, and here's the next:

 

He displayes the exact mindset I would expect. That of ME ME MEEEEEE!!!!

And you're Jesus Christ?

 

 

If you want to do this, for God's sake, don't get married. Be a single player and screw other players, but be honest about it and don't hoodwink a poor spouse who is the one doing all the mundane things for him, so he can go have exciting affairs.

 

Unfortunately the vast majority of people realize the failings of the concept of marriage after the fact.

 

 

What a sad little man. He thinks of sex as a hobby.

 

Perhaps sex is a hobby.. to him... since when were you the "hobby" police?

 

 

This poor man thinks he is living the high life and he is going to be such a broken lonely man one day. He loves his wife and is happily married. Poof. She'll be gone.

 

Sigh~~

 

Walk across the street and get hit by a car... Poof your gone

Kids grow up and eventually leave...poof they're gone

Get Cancer...1 in 3 chance of contracting it..poof your done

 

People live mediocre lives...they play it safe...they think they are being "noble" and then when they are older they look back on their lives and see few victories in a sea of regrets....and then POOF; its all gone.

 

I guess we all live pretty "sad" lives

Don't you see how condescending and rude you've been? And still no one had even engaged you yet.

 

Yes, you were looking for a fight, and you got a few. If this is how you speak to your wife, your marriage is NEVER gonna work.

[StoneCold]

Perhaps I came out of the gate harsh...my bad...I can admit that...sorry

 

But I found you guys really provoking and I can admit that I can get pretty bad when provoked... so I came out bad.

 

But my sentiments dont change at all

[StoneCold]

If this is how you speak to your wife, your marriage is NEVER gonna work.

 

And with my wife....please remember its a two way street

[donnamaybe]

she has seriously hurt me...I even told her what she did and she dismissed it which made it hurt even more

Seems like there may be a bit of this going both directions, but I base this only on how you've interacted in this thread.

 

But she is wrong for treating you this way, nonetheless. You are BOTH supposed to care about the feelings of the other.

[Owl]

Perhaps I came out of the gate harsh...my bad...I can admit that...sorry

 

But I found you guys really provoking and I can admit that I can get pretty bad when provoked... so I came out bad.

 

But my sentiments dont change at all

 

If it makes you feel any better...I don't think anyone here expects to change your mind.

 

I certainly don't expect to.

 

If my questions or thoughts cause you to pause and think...great. But it's not an expectation that anything I say will change anything on your side of the internet.

 

In truth, I'm simply curious about your mindset. I don't agree with it...but that doesn't mean that I can't learn something from it, even so.

[StoneCold]

 

If my questions or thoughts cause you to pause and think...great. But it's not an expectation that anything I say will change anything on your side of the internet.

 

Well...I thought about that..sure...but nobody has ever asked me

[StoneCold]

Is your username an indication of how you treat your wife? You have to show love to receive love.

 

Again... please dont put this all on me... and dont over thing things.

 

 

Any of you who know WWF would know Stone Cold Steve Austin... He was my favorite wrestler back in the day