donnamaybe Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 And with my wife....please remember its a two way street Absolutely. If you continually bow down to a controlling, dominating person, you'll lose yourself. If you stand up to them and neither backs down, you'll continually fight. Was it always this way? Have you asked her to go to counseling with you? It helps, sometimes, to have a third party involved, if for nothing else than to help determine if there's anything worth trying to save. But my impression is not that you think it's okay to screw around on relationships. My impression is that you are one very frustrated man at the end of his rope and just don't care about THIS relationship any more. If you have an A, that's just a band aid, and I predict you'll only feel worse in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I condone doing what works for you within reason. Because ultimately when push comes to shove nobody will do this for you...not even your spouse. He doesn't put it in her face and hes careful not to let it get out and possibly hurt her. I dont see him as arrogant....just a guy who accepts who he is. He may not be honest with her but at least he is honest with himself which is more than what can be said for most; last prson you want to deceive is yourself as it can have the nastiest repercussions. No its not the most noble thing in the world but really...none of you (including myself) really know whats going on behind closed doors in his marriage. Is he the perfect husband? no but then again his wife may be far from perfect too. Maybe shes letting him down in another area(s)? I dont know...you dont know...nobody but those involved knows the whole truth. you say hes a douce....but you dont know him you say poor wife...but you dont know her huh? Ahh but notice in the interview that while he says he'd be fine with it if his wife took a lover - he will not come out and say what he is up to or anything that might have her choosing to stay married but taking the same indulgences. In other words - he likes cake, looking at cake, smelling cake AND being the only one in the marriage with so much cake. If he really thought what he was doing was no big deal, he'd be trying to bring the wife on board. Nope, he wants his cake and his wallet all to himself so much he won't risk a ding in either to be able to do what he wants above board. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 While it is nice to be called something other than "bitter" ( I appreciate the sentiment)but there are many intelligent, sensible people on this thread. They are equally as passionate as you are about some things. I read the interview and took it at face value, without assuming his wife did anything, since I can't hold her responsible for his choices(nor would I hold him responsible for hers)....my opinion of him being a donkey's butt was based solely on his responses to the questions. He didn't add details or say he was in need of his wife doing anything other than what she was doing. He says they have sex. It is apparent he has sex with at least 2 other women...so his needs should be met between the 3. I question his integrity, his respect and his need for multiple partners. Kind of makes me think that the problem is he will never be satisfied or he doesn't want to be monogamous...just a maid and nanny. I don't know this for a fact, just conjecture. You spoke of judging him. This is something we do everyday with people we know, people we met, people we hear about in the news among others. An example would be us judging the leaders of other nations as good or bad. Us judging people who don't look like us, live like us or think like us as something other than normal. You did it with the opinions of others in this thread(which you apologized for, thank you:)). My belief system does not say I can't call something wrong when I see it as wrong. I do that daily. But my beliefs do say I can't pronounce judgement(thank God because I couldn't do it fairly, probably little mercy and no chance at redemption. Not to mention my own @$$ would have been toast some time ago.). What I read was a man who wanted to enjoy the things that make him happy, but didn't give a fat rat's behind what might make her happy. Is it possible that he just doesn't want another man in his wife's vagina? :confused:He just wants it to be exclusively his? If he truly wouldn't mind...I think he would give her the option. But that's just me...if I were going to be a serial cheater that is. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Ahh but notice in the interview that while he says he'd be fine with it if his wife took a lover - he will not come out and say what he is up to or anything that might have her choosing to stay married but taking the same indulgences. In other words - he likes cake, looking at cake, smelling cake AND being the only one in the marriage with so much cake. If he really thought what he was doing was no big deal, he'd be trying to bring the wife on board. Nope, he wants his cake and his wallet all to himself so much he won't risk a ding in either to be able to do what he wants above board. Ahh, we cross posted. I agree with your sentiments. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Ahh but notice in the interview that while he says he'd be fine with it if his wife took a lover - he will not come out and say what he is up to or anything that might have her choosing to stay married but taking the same indulgences. In other words - he likes cake, looking at cake, smelling cake AND being the only one in the marriage with so much cake. If he really thought what he was doing was no big deal, he'd be trying to bring the wife on board. Nope, he wants his cake and his wallet all to himself so much he won't risk a ding in either to be able to do what he wants above board. I dont agree at all...You're taking a potentially complicated situation and oversimplifying it Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 What I read was a man who wanted to enjoy the things that make him happy, but didn't give a fat rat's behind what might make her happy. Is it possible that he just doesn't want another man in his wife's vagina? :confused:He just wants it to be exclusively his? If he truly wouldn't mind...I think he would give her the option. But that's just me...if I were going to be a serial cheater that is. I didnt read that at all Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Ahh but notice in the interview that while he says he'd be fine with it if his wife took a lover - he will not come out and say what he is up to or anything that might have her choosing to stay married but taking the same indulgences. It sounds like many Ms - there is an emotional disconnect, and they don't really care what the other does, as long as it's not pushed in their face. Perhaps his W already has a lover? Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I don't think anyone should be taken for granted, but when people of integrity get married, they promise each other fidelity. Persons of common decency should be able to rely on that promise being kept. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 It sounds like many Ms - there is an emotional disconnect, and they don't really care what the other does, as long as it's not pushed in their face. Perhaps his W already has a lover? I certainly hope she has a lover. I hope she has multiple lovers and he discovers it and this breaks his heart. I hope she discovered long ago what kind of man she is married to and has chosen to have her fun to and take whatever she can out of her marriage since her jerk husband hasn't been faithful a single day. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I dont agree at all...You're taking a potentially complicated situation and oversimplifying it Then you're choosing to ignore what was plainly shared in the interview. He won't tell her what he is up to despite his claims that it wouldn't bother him if she took a lover too. Its okay, I'm use to the LS men ignoring English entirely when it highlights a break down of their "logic". Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 It sounds like many Ms - there is an emotional disconnect, and they don't really care what the other does, as long as it's not pushed in their face. Perhaps his W already has a lover? It wasn't shared in the interview so who knows, but I'd think his answer would have been more "I'm not bothered WHEN she takes a lover as long as.....". Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Then you're choosing to ignore what was plainly shared in the interview. He won't tell her what he is up to despite his claims that it wouldn't bother him if she took a lover too. Its okay, I'm use to the LS men ignoring English entirely when it highlights a break down of their "logic". OK.. you see that people... now SOMEONE ELSE is being rude in this thread. There is no breakdown in my logic. You see where YOUR logic breaks down is by assuming that just because he would be OK with her taking another lover that she (a totally different person mind you) would interpret it that way by him "confessing" and offering her the choice. You really think that the reason why hes not telling her is because he wants to be the only one cheating? say what? lmao. The reason why he doesn't tell her is likely because he doesn't want to hurt her..perhaps? Sure hes taking a risk of hurting her all the same IF he gets caught. But note the use of the word IF. However, if he tells her it is likely CERTAIN. Weather you agree with his actions or not.... you're interpretation of it is.... questionable Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Absolutely. If you continually bow down to a controlling, dominating person, you'll lose yourself. If you stand up to them and neither backs down, you'll continually fight. Was it always this way? Have you asked her to go to counseling with you? It helps, sometimes, to have a third party involved, if for nothing else than to help determine if there's anything worth trying to save. But my impression is not that you think it's okay to screw around on relationships. My impression is that you are one very frustrated man at the end of his rope and just don't care about THIS relationship any more. If you have an A, that's just a band aid, and I predict you'll only feel worse in the long run. SC, now that you're back, was I even remotely close in my second paragraph here? Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Donna if you were truly paying attention to what I was saying you would have seen that a long time ago. I was never talking in generalities because when it comes to relationships its almost impossible. Every relationship is different and because of that blanket statements and assumptions wont take you very far Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 You see where YOUR logic breaks down is by assuming that just because he would be OK with her taking another lover that she (a totally different person mind you) would interpret it that way by him "confessing" and offering her the choice.I think what s4s is trying to say is that if he really MEANT what he said instead of just saying it to not look like such a big a-hole (as in "I want what I want when I want it, but SHE can't have it"), he would let her in on the secret that he's boinking other women and offer her the same freedom to boink other men as well. You know it's just a given in a marriage, unless it is expressly stated otherwise, that you don't boink other people. Right? It's even said in the ceremony. Otherwise the vows would be quite different. Furthermore, even though my sweety and I aren't married, once we decided to be together exclusively, it was understood that we only have sex with each other. That's just the way people understand it as a rule of thumb. Yes, there are "open relationships," but people in said relationships make it clear what their expectations are as regards sharing themselves sexually with others. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Donna if you were truly paying attention to what I was saying you would have seen that a long time ago. I was never talking in generalities because when it comes to relationships its almost impossible. Every relationship is different and because of that blanket statements and assumptions wont take you very far Well, you're kinda difficult to understand at times because of your propensity to go over-the-top angry and - well - mean in your posts. So I was correct in that you don't necessarily WANT to have a relationship where sex outside of said relationship is the norm? If that is true, do you think you WOULD feel worse in the long run if you started cheating? Worse than just going through with filing for divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I think what s4s is trying to say is that if he really MEANT what he said instead of just saying it to not look like such a big a-hole (as in "I want what I want when I want it, but SHE can't have it"), he would let her in on the secret that he's boinking other women and offer her the same freedom to boink other men as well. Oh I get what she is saying and I do not agree....not even in the slightest. You know it's just a given in a marriage, unless it is expressly stated otherwise, that you don't boink other people. Right? It's even said in the ceremony. Otherwise the vows would be quite different. Furthermore, even though my sweety and I aren't married, once we decided to be together exclusively, it was understood that we only have sex with each other. That's just the way people understand it as a rule of thumb. Yes, there are "open relationships," but people in said relationships make it clear what their expectations are as regards sharing themselves sexually with others. many, many things are a given with marriage but very few things are adhered to...sometimes it makes sense other times it doesnt Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 So I was correct in that you don't necessarily WANT to have a relationship where sex outside of said relationship is the norm? If that is true, do you think you WOULD feel worse in the long run if you started cheating? Worse than just going through with filing for divorce? I would feel worse in the long run because I couldn't not make my marriage a better place to be...not because I cheated. ....and why did you caps WOULD lol Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Well, you're kinda difficult to understand at times because of your propensity to go over-the-top angry and - well - mean in your posts. oh I was crystal clear in communicating my stance... th tone may have been a little off.... but points were clear Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Oh I get what she is saying and I do not agree....not even in the slightest.Why is it so difficult to consider the possiblity that she is? To be honest, that's how the whole thing came off to me as well. Of course, I know a guy JUST like him IRL, so I know exactly where HIS mindset is and compare it to the guy in the article. He crows about his "perfect wife" all the time (and she is gorgeous, sweet [yes-even to him], sexy, a good mom, etc.) but just can't keep his dick in his pants. It's something wrong with him - inside. You know? Maybe it's something in how he was raised that made him feel he always needed pumped up emotionally. Maybe he's just a selfish little prick who only cares about himself. Who knows? But the fact remains that he's a cheating POS who would have a COW if his wife did the same. His big fat ego could never handle it. many, many things are a given with marriage but very few things are adhered to...sometimes it makes sense other times it doesnt Well, that may be true in some marriages, and apparently in yours, but not in all. But compounding a bad marriage with lies and deceit are never a good answer, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I would feel worse in the long run because I couldn't not make my marriage a better place to be...not because I cheated. ....and why did you caps WOULD lol I probably should have said would... lol Maybe I'm not making myself clear in what I mean. I'm sure you would rather have a good marriage where no one even WANTED - oops - I mean wanted to go outside the marriage. If so, would you feel you sort of gave away a piece of yourself - your personal values and choices - if you did go outside of your marriage instead of being able to fix it or end it and find the kind of marriage you desire? And the question has nothing to do with morals, but more your personal choice as to how you prefer to live and choosing a different path than you would rather be taking. Did that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Why is it so difficult to consider the possiblity that she is? To be honest, that's how the whole thing came off to me as well. Of course, I know a guy JUST like him IRL, so I know exactly where HIS mindset is and compare it to the guy in the article. He crows about his "perfect wife" all the time (and she is gorgeous, sweet [yes-even to him], sexy, a good mom, etc.) but just can't keep his dick in his pants. It's something wrong with him - inside. You know? Maybe it's something in how he was raised that made him feel he always needed pumped up emotionally. Maybe he's just a selfish little prick who only cares about himself. Who knows? But the fact remains that he's a cheating POS who would have a COW if his wife did the same. His big fat ego could never handle it. Many things are "possible" but I dont agree with her statement. I just don't buy it. And...You're friend isnt like the guy in the article... because your friend isnt ok with his wife messing around... this guy is Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Many things are "possible" but I dont agree with her statement. I just don't buy it. And...You're friend isnt like the guy in the article... because your friend isnt ok with his wife messing around... this guy is And you're certain he's not just saying that to not look like quite such a dickhead? And if he has to hide the cheating, don't you think that means maybe his wife does not want to participate in the same behavior and would rather have a monogomous relationship? And if that's true, why shouldn't she be allowed to have that - with someone who shares her views? Why is it okay that she is being lied to by him - or having the truth ommitted (let's not play semantics here - you know what I mean ). Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I probably should have said would... lol Maybe I'm not making myself clear in what I mean. I'm sure you would rather have a good marriage where no one even WANTED - oops - I mean wanted to go outside the marriage. To be honest I dont even believe in marriage anymore.... I had to figure that out after the fact If so, would you feel you sort of gave away a piece of yourself - your personal values and choices - if you did go outside of your marriage instead of being able to fix it or end it and find the kind of marriage you desire? no not really lol just give up Donna.... we see things differently Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 To be honest I dont even believe in marriage anymore.... I had to figure that out after the fact no not really lol just give up Donna.... we see things differently I feel sad now. Link to post Share on other sites
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