Unstoppable force meets immovable object

[Dejavu_Fool]

Hello Everyone,

 

Let me start by saying, normally I'm not the type of person who shares his problems, let alone asks for help. But, this time I don't trust my own judgment to give me the answers I desperately need. My situation is a very long story. Too long to explain everything in full detail so, I'll try to give you the reader’s digest version.

 

About 15 years ago I married the woman of my dreams. Up until that time of my life, I never really knew what true love was like. For about 1 year life was perfect! Then, one day out of nowhere all hell broke loose. She admitted to me that she was in love with someone else. I was devastated and practically begged her not to leave me, but she wanted a divorce. Well, I guess you could say I didn't handle it too well. I made some threats to hurt him and did a lot of yelling and screaming at her. I guess she took me seriously because she had a restraining order put on me which prohibited me from being within 500 feet of him or her for two years.

 

A few months later we went to divorce court and that was that. About a year later I remarried my current wife.

 

Ok, here is where things get messy. In January 2010 (14 years later) I bumped into my first wife on Facebook. She offered me an apology for the childish and stupid things that she had done and all of the hurt she had caused. I also apologized for my behavior and we decided that both of us would let the past go and try being friends again. Over the following few weeks we chatted more and more often. Then I had the idea that we should talk on the phone once in a while. In the few weeks following that decision, we began to talk everyday for hours at a time. Then we decided to meet and have lunch, which I guess was the final straw for both of us. From there we began an affair that went on for about 4 months until her husband confronted her and she broke down and told him the truth. He threatened that he was going to tell my wife so, I figured it would be better coming from me, and I came clean myself.

 

My ex-wife and I decided that even though we had regained very strong feelings for one another, we had to stop for the sake of our families. We said good bye and went about 3 months without talking. Then, out of the blue in August she called me and explained how she couldn’t stop thinking of me and that she loves me and of course I broke down and we started seeing each other again off and on. This became more and more difficult because it was obvious to both of us that we were madly in love.

 

I know that what I have been doing is terribly wrong. My wife and family don’t deserve to be hurt and I don’t want to hurt them. The problem is I can’t stop thinking about her. She is in my head every minute of the day and no matter how hard I try not to, I long to hear her voice, to be near her, to see her beautiful smile. When she tells me she loves me, a feeling comes over me that is indescribable.

 

Okay, now that the story is out of the way, here is my question…

 

How do I walk away from the greatest love of my life? If it is true and God only put one perfect person for me on earth, one soul mate, than she is the one. How am I supposed to walk away and ever be happy again? How do I turn it off and go back to being the husband and father my family deserves?

 

~Déjà vu Fool

[jthorne]

Well, you obviously didn't come completely clean with your current wife. So why not do so now so she can make her own choices for her life?

[Dejavu_Fool]

Thanks for the comment, but I already know what her choice would be. The only part of what happened that I didn't tell her was that I'm in love with her. I don't want to hurt my wife or lose my family and if I told her that is exactly what would happen.

 

I want to do the right thing, I just can't figure out how to do it...

[Mimolicious]

Whoa, sounds complicated and I feel for you my friend. I would hate to be stuck feeling like this. The only thing that I can say is that naked truth is far more better than a well dressed lie. Be honest, with yourself and your family, if you ever want to walk away half way sane. Maybe you got married to your 2nd wife without getting over your 1st?

Have you consider counseling?

 

Take time to sort things out and try not to drag everyone else down.

Good luck and be strong!

[jthorne]

Thanks for the comment, but I already know what her choice would be. The only part of what happened that I didn't tell her was that I'm in love with her. I don't want to hurt my wife or lose my family and if I told her that is exactly what would happen.

 

I want to do the right thing, I just can't figure out how to do it...

So you are basically controlling her life, without her having all of the facts, right?

 

So what is the most important to you? Your family or your OW? Ya gotta pick one. After you choose, have the courage and maturity to stick with it, whatever it may be.

 

Good luck. Got a feeling you're going to need some.

[someday]

How do I walk away from the greatest love of my life?

 

You let the past live in the past. That's how. What you had was what WAS then not what IS now.

 

Sounds like your xW is an instigator of all this mess. First she cheated on you, fell in love with some other guy now, all these years later, she's doing to him what she did to you.

 

Listen, she may be the love of your life but that doesn't mean that she has to be a part of your immediate life.

[Mimolicious]

*considered. Sorry, I have a headache.

 

WH- you are something else... LOL! ouch!

 

The OP has tough decisions to make. Many say that in love relationships, for you to obtain what you want, someone will get hurt. It's inevitable but the drama can be minimized if he comes clean, just get ready for the fury that this will unleash...

[Dejavu_Fool]

Mimolicious,

 

Thank you, I know from the pain I caused when I told her about the affair, she would be devastated if she knew that I felt this way, much less that I have been seeing her again. Yes, you seem pretty smart, I went to see the counselor at my church and she basically said that I never stopped loving my first wife and that my current wife was sort of a rebound because in my head I still wanted to be married. I might shoul ad, my current wife is the exact opposite of my first…

[donnamaybe]

DF, are you sure your ex isn't now your "soul mate" because she is currently unattainable? Remember what they say: Be careful what you wish for...

[jthorne]

Mimolicious,

 

Thank you, I know from the pain I caused when I told her about the affair, she would be devastated if she knew that I felt this way, much less that I have been seeing her again. Yes, you seem pretty smart, I went to see the counselor at my church and she basically said that I never stopped loving my first wife and that my current wife was sort of a rebound because in my head I still wanted to be married. I might shoul ad, my current wife is the exact opposite of my first…

Okay, but now you've been married a bunch of years and have children too. Life moved on, even though you heart may have not.

 

So what is more important? Your heart or your family?

[Mimolicious]

You let the past live in the past. That's how. What you had was what WAS then not what IS now.

 

Sounds like your xW is an instigator of all this mess. First she cheated on you, fell in love with some other guy now, all these years later, she's doing to him what she did to you.

 

Listen, she may be the love of your life but that doesn't mean that she has to be a part of your immediate life.

 

What's really scary is that the OP may take the jump and bounce with the xW, yet his xW may have personality issues and will eventually move on to the next. If this is kind of a patter of hers, you should seriously be careful. I know people grow and could change, but it's not like you have found her and she is divorced and a changed person. She is doing to her H what she did to you! Something to really think about...

 

Is this H of hers, the same dude she left you for?

[Dejavu_Fool]

OP, You have one too many wives in your life.

 

You need to take a step back, and think upon what is really important to you.

WH,

 

I already know what is the most important to me.... My family! I know what I have to do, I just dont know how to do it...

[jthorne]

What's really scary is that the OP may take the jump and bounce with the xW, yet his xW may have personality issues and will eventually move on to the next. If this is kind of a patter of hers, you should seriously be careful. I know people grow and could change, but it's not like you have found her and she is divorced and a changed person. She is doing to her H what she did to you! Something to really think about...

 

Is this H of hers, the same dude she left you for?

Yep, I considered the personality issues, but being realistic... not there yet. How many A's can you count that have started because someone was bored and started trolling FB?

[Eddie Edirol]

Heres how you walk away from your ex wife.

 

She gets bored with her men and doesnt commit. She likes the new romance and you fell for it again. She walked away from you and is prepared to walk away from her current husband. In a few years, she will walk away from you again for another guy that she feels the spark with (could be her current husband). You really wanna go through that again, and then regret leaving your current wife, knowing she is much more committed to you?

 

Soulmate or not, if you dont feel a great connection with your current wife, you should let her go anyway.

[Dejavu_Fool]

What's really scary is that the OP may take the jump and bounce with the xW, yet his xW may have personality issues and will eventually move on to the next. If this is kind of a patter of hers, you should seriously be careful. I know people grow and could change, but it's not like you have found her and she is divorced and a changed person. She is doing to her H what she did to you! Something to really think about...

 

Is this H of hers, the same dude she left you for?

No, he is someone she met a couple of years after we split. They have been married for 10 years and have two kids of their own.

[Dejavu_Fool]

Heres how you walk away from your ex wife.

 

She gets bored with her men and doesnt commit. She likes the new romance and you fell for it again. She walked away from you and is prepared to walk away from her current husband. In a few years, she will walk away from you again for another guy that she feels the spark with (could be her current husband). You really wanna go through that again, and then regret leaving your current wife, knowing she is much more committed to you?

 

Soulmate or not, if you dont feel a great connection with your current wife, you should let her go anyway.

Eddie,

 

I love my current wife very much, but it's different. There is no passion between us anymore. Sometimes over the past few years I have felt like we were basically roommates. Instead of husband and wife...

[donnamaybe]

Eddie,

 

I love my current wife very much, but it's different. There is no passion between us anymore. Sometimes over the past few years I have felt like we were basically roommates. Instead of husband and wife...

You totally ignored the most important part of his post which is your ex is hooked on the "new" in relationships, and if you get with her again, the "new" is going to wear off - again.

[jthorne]

Eddie,

 

I love my current wife very much, but it's different. There is no passion between us anymore. Sometimes over the past few years I have felt like we were basically roommates. Instead of husband and wife...

Then stop spending time with the OW and on FB and more time with the family.

 

If you are really looking to end the A, your question may be better served on the infidelity board. Hopefully, some from over there will stop by and give some more ideas.

[Dejavu_Fool]

You totally ignored the most important part of his post which is your ex is hooked on the "new" in relationships, and if you get with her again, the "new" is going to wear off - again.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ignore it. I realize that is a possibility and that I am to blind in love to see it, but it's like my heart and my brain are fighting and my heart keeps winning.

[woinlove]

Eddie,

 

I love my current wife very much, but it's different. There is no passion between us anymore. Sometimes over the past few years I have felt like we were basically roommates. Instead of husband and wife...

 

Of those past few years, you should discount the past year when you have

been reconnecting with your ex, as deceiving a spouse is a sure way to kill intimacy, and passion typically goes along with that. So out of a 10 year (or more - not sure how long you've been married) marriage, you had a couple years of lacking passion and then connected with your ex, rather than focussing on reigniting things with your W. Now, things will be trickier, because you have the old betrayal (the one you confessed) and the new betrayal (the love and the continuation of the A) on top of whatever problems caused the decline of passion in your M. Once you clear away the betrayals, your W and you could focus on reigniting that. Given that you used to have passion, and it didn't die for too many years pre-A, you should be able to re-establish it. This all assumes that your W wants to after she knows what she is really dealing with. I doubt you'll ever be able to re-establish it if you continue to deceive her. So, I think if you want to save your M, you should take the risk, and come completely clean with your W.

 

As to your ex, the fact that she fell in love with someone else while married to you, then did it again in her next M, suggests it likely to happen again with whoever she ends up with next. Given that you love your W, and said your family is the most important to you, it seems that you want to drop the ex, but are afraid of not rebuilding passion in your M. There are never any guarantees. Certainly not with your ex, who has twice fallen in love while being married to someone else. And not with your W, who has been betrayed multiple times by you and will take time to heal, whether she stays with you or not. That is the situation you have created. But, now, all you can do is decide, commit yourself fully to that decision, and hope for the best.

[bentnotbroken]

So let me get everything straight:

 

1) you were married to this woman, loved her, was happy with her and she CHEATED on YOU.

 

2) you were SO HURT, BETRAYED AND ANGRY that you reacted by threatening her and the dude.

 

3) you and she both marry other people and

 

4) and now you are helping this woman( and she you) do what she did you so long ago. YOU ARE BRINGING THAT HURT, BETRAYEL AND ANGER TO OTHERS. So much for respect of your fellow man. What she did to you, you have now done to her husband and family (and your own family)

 

5) So she cheated on you and now cheats with you.

 

Now my questions?

 

1) What about her character is so attractive?

 

2) What makes her worth hurting so many people and disrespecting your wife(that you say you love)?

 

3) What gives either of you the right to make choices for others lives?

 

4) What part of her self respect, dignity, integrity do you love the most?

 

5) What will you miss the most about your wife? (cause you are headed that direction)

 

6) Why shouldn't her husband do to your what you threatened so many years ago because you have hurt his family.

 

7)When you look at the ow's face, do you remember the hurt on your wife's face(probably not.)

[whichwayisup]

Your ex wife hasn't changed at all. She still cheats, hides, lies and betrays. Sadly, you now cheated on your current wife and now she (current wife) has to go through the devastation, mistrust, etc that you went through when yor first wife cheated on you.

 

Get to therapy and figure this out. Be honest with your current wife, she doesn't deserve this. Try to find out why on earth you would inflict the same awful pain you went through years ago, onto HER.

 

Forget your ex, she is who she is and hasn't changed one bit. If you give up what you have now for her, you'll regret it. Choice is yours, but first, get therapy.

[Dejavu_Fool]

Of those past few years, you should discount the past year when you have

been reconnecting with your ex, as deceiving a spouse is a sure way to kill intimacy, and passion typically goes along with that. So out of a 10 year (or more - not sure how long you've been married) marriage, you had a couple years of lacking passion and then connected with your ex, rather than focussing on reigniting things with your W. Now, things will be trickier, because you have the old betrayal (the one you confessed) and the new betrayal (the love and the continuation of the A) on top of whatever problems caused the decline of passion in your M. Once you clear away the betrayals, your W and you could focus on reigniting that. Given that you used to have passion, and it didn't die for too many years pre-A, you should be able to re-establish it. This all assumes that your W wants to after she knows what she is really dealing with. I doubt you'll ever be able to re-establish it if you continue to deceive her. So, I think if you want to save your M, you should take the risk, and come completely clean with your W.

 

As to your ex, the fact that she fell in love with someone else while married to you, then did it again in her next M, suggests it likely to happen again with whoever she ends up with next. Given that you love your W, and said your family is the most important to you, it seems that you want to drop the ex, but are afraid of not rebuilding passion in your M. There are never any guarantees. Certainly not with your ex, who has twice fallen in love while being married to someone else. And not with your W, who has been betrayed multiple times by you and will take time to heal, whether she stays with you or not. That is the situation you have created. But, now, all you can do is decide, commit yourself fully to that decision, and hope for the best.

woinlove,

 

I sincerely agree with most of what you said, but telling my wife about my more recent betrayal is kind of out of the question. I know she would never be able to accept it and our marriage would be over.

 

I also wanted to say that I noticed everyone seems to be putting the blame on my ex, but I think that is because I didn't share every detail with you. It is possible that I am just a moron, but I really believe that she has changed.

 

I don't know, I really appreciate everyones opinions, but I still feel completely lost.

[TigerCub]

Eddie,

 

I love my current wife very much, but it's different. There is no passion between us anymore. Sometimes over the past few years I have felt like we were basically roommates. Instead of husband and wife...

 

Honey, you're telling the same tale that every married man says.

You love her, but there's no passion.

I honestly think it sucks that you're keeping her in the dark because you think she'll leave you. That's so unfair to her.

 

I understand that you had love for W#1, and that now you're in the middle of the A and can't see straight, but honestly, if you want to get out - you will get out. Its as simple as that.

 

No one is anywhere they don't want to be.

 

So why are you with W#2? If you guys are just "roommates"? - is it "because of the kids"? - If it is, then I'd suggest you think of those same kids every time you get the urge to call up W#1.

 

How devastated would they be if W#2 left you because of the cheating?

 

Nothing stays hidden forever, do you really want your kids to one day find out about what you did to their mother and how you were so willing to throw what you had with them away for a woman that you already had in the past?

 

Honestly, I'm really not trying to be mean to you or judge you, I just think that if we want to get out of something bad enough - we find a way.

 

You say you have love for W#2 - then at least honor her enough to set her free instead of playing her for a fool.

 

p.s. I agree with everyone that said that W#1 is only in it for the "newness" and the thrill - but if you think you want her in your life - then maybe you both should get divorces and try again.

 

Good luck to you

[xxoo]

It is possible that I am just a moron, but I really believe that she has changed..

 

I wouldn't call you a moron, but it is difficult to see how her current cheating demonstrates change....