Unstoppable force meets immovable object

[bentnotbroken]

woinlove,

 

I sincerely agree with most of what you said, but telling my wife about my more recent betrayal is kind of out of the question. I know she would never be able to accept it and our marriage would be over.

 

I also wanted to say that I noticed everyone seems to be putting the blame on my ex, but I think that is because I didn't share every detail with you. It is possible that I am just a moron, but I really believe that she has changed.

 

I don't know, I really appreciate everyones opinions, but I still feel completely lost.

 

 

Then you don't deserve her. You can't live a lie and force someone to live one and not expect it to eventually seep into every aspect of what should be intimate and loving. Maybe ow's hubby will find out and the decision will be removed from both of you. The blame isn't being placed solely on the ow. She isn't the one continuing to lie to your wife or raping you. You made your choices. They all belong to you 100%.

[Snowflower]

 

I love my current wife very much, but it's different. There is no passion between us anymore. Sometimes over the past few years I have felt like we were basically roommates. Instead of husband and wife...

 

 

I sincerely agree with most of what you said, but telling my wife about my more recent betrayal is kind of out of the question. I know she would never be able to accept it and our marriage would be over.

 

 

Read your own words here, over and over again. Do you see the contradiction? You admit that there is nothing except a roommate relationship between you and your wife now. But yet, you don't want to tell your wife the truth because she will end your marriage?

 

What is the problem then? If you no longer love your wife "that way" then what is wrong with ending the marriage?

 

Can you please explain this to us here? Or better yet, can you explain it to yourself?

[woinlove]

woinlove,

 

I sincerely agree with most of what you said, but telling my wife about my more recent betrayal is kind of out of the question. I know she would never be able to accept it and our marriage would be over.

 

I also wanted to say that I noticed everyone seems to be putting the blame on my ex, but I think that is because I didn't share every detail with you. It is possible that I am just a moron, but I really believe that she has changed.

 

I don't know, I really appreciate everyones opinions, but I still feel completely lost.

 

I haven't been betrayed, but the idea that you won't tell you wife, makes me feel so sorry for your wife because the intimacy, openness, honesty and love I share with my H is the most important thing to me and they all go together. If we didn't have honesty and openness, I would not want to be married and the idea of your W living her life not knowing her husband plans to deceive her for the rest of her life (assuming you stay married and carry out your plan) is beyond words for me. What a cruel world we live in.

 

If you wife cannot forgive you for things you have already done, then you should not be married. You think it is okay to spend your life pretending you are someone else so that your wife is happy to stay married to you. Spending your whole life pretending is a long time. Think about it. If your wife feels like that and you know it, then you already made the decision to kill your marriage, didn't you? Once you've killed a marriage, best to accept that fact and not pretend otherwise, don't you think?

 

As to blaming your ex, I see a couple posts here squarely putting blame on you. You are responsible for cheating and lying to your wife. Not your ex. What she's responsible is for cheating and lying to both of her husbands. That's quite a record, so, yes, people respond to that.

[Snowflower]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ignore it. I realize that is a possibility and that I am to blind in love to see it, but it's like my heart and my brain are fighting and my heart keeps winning.

 

Re: the bolded...

 

I heard the same things from my fWH when he was (unknown to me at that time) in his affair. So what does your heart say? What does your brain say? Honestly though, I think that kind of tripe is senseless. As I told my fWH, your heart and brain are both a part of you, so let's not split hairs.

 

I'm curious, what are you telling your current wife about your feelings for her and your marriage? Are you telling your wife the same things that you are posting here? Or does she think you are 100% recommitted to her?

[half_ofa_heart]

Hi Dejavu,

 

First, let me say that I am very sorry you're hurting and so confused. Most of us have been there more than we care to remember.

 

Second, only you know about how you are feeling and hopefully eventually you can see clearly what is truth, but judging by what you are saying, I would be leary of throwing away what you have, for something that, judging by history, doesn't look promising.

 

In just about every marriage, complacency sets in and passion falls to the wayside but all is not lost. Passion in a marriage can exist but not without effort. You need to send your W little emails or texts or whatever it is you send to OW. Treat your W the way you would your OW.

 

I do sympathize with you and hope you can work thru this. One thing I CAN attest to is leaving the comfort of the passion you are experiencing with your OW is probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Your original divorce from her was probably easier. This is why I say, do it now before it becomes years and then your current W will want NOTHING to do with you and if this happens, nothing can or will compare to that kind of pain.

 

Good luck to you.

[Dejavu_Fool]

1) you were married to this woman, loved her, was happy with her and she CHEATED on YOU.

 

Yes

 

2) you were SO HURT, BETRAYED AND ANGRY that you reacted by threatening her and the dude.

 

Yes

 

3) you and she both marry other people and

 

Yes

 

4) and now you are helping this woman (and she you) do what she did you so long ago. YOU ARE BRINGING THAT HURT, BETRAYEL AND ANGER TO OTHERS. So much for respect of your fellow man. What she did to you, you have now done to her husband and family (and your own family)

 

Yes, and I hate myself for it, but I still can't walk away. I can only describe it like an addiction. I know it's destroying my life, but I can't resist.

 

5) So she cheated on you and now cheats with you.

 

Yes

 

Now my questions?

 

1) you were married to this woman, loved her, was happy with her and she CHEATED on YOU.

 

Yes

 

2) you were SO HURT, BETRAYED AND ANGRY that you reacted by threatening her and the dude.

 

Yes

 

3) you and she both marry other people and

 

Yes

 

4) and now you are helping this woman (and she you) do what she did you so long ago. YOU ARE BRINGING THAT HURT, BETRAYEL AND ANGER TO OTHERS. So much for respect of your fellow man. What she did to you, you have now done to her husband and family (and your own family)

 

Yes, and I hate myself for it, but I still can't walk away. I can only describe it like an addiction. I know it's destroying my life, but I can't resist.

 

5) So she cheated on you and now cheats with you.

 

Yes

 

Now my questions?

 

1) What about her character is so attractive?

 

It is way mor then just her character. Besides, who am I to judge her for being an adulterous?

 

2) What makes her worth hurting so many people and disrespecting your wife (that you say you love)?

 

I don't know, I can't explain why I feel the way I do.

 

3) What gives either of you the right to make choices for others lives?

 

Nothing gives anyone the right to make choices for other people. I'm not denying what we have been doing is wrong. I want it to stop!

 

4) What part of herself respect, dignity, integrity do you love the most?

 

Again, who am I to judge anyone on those things? Apparently, I'm just as bad.

 

5) What will you miss the most about your wife? (cause you are headed that direction)

 

I can't let that happen! That's why I'm here.

 

6) Why shouldn't her husband do to your what you threatened so many years ago because you have hurt his family.

 

I wouldn't blame him if he did. In fact, I invited him to because I know I deserve it.

 

7)When you look at the ow's face, do you remember the hurt on your wife's face(probably not.)

 

No, the second I get near her I can't think of anything but her. Even the guilt disappears momentarily.

[Owl]

"How" you leave your "soulmate" is simple...perhaps not easy...but definitely simple.

 

You simply DO it.

 

You tell her it's over. You admit to yourself that it's over. You block her from any and all communications. You remove her contact information from all of YOUR accounts/applications so that you can't break down and contact her when you feel weak.

 

You recognize that your fantasy of that relationship was just that...a fantasy in your mind. You grieve the end/loss of that relationship as you would any other...

 

...and you move the hell on.

 

You deal with it.

 

You also recognize the gift you have in your current wife, in your family...and you start treating them as such. You work on re-investing in those relationships, you see where things can be made to improve in those areas...and you fix them.

 

Bottom line...you recognize that you control what goes on in your life...and you take ownership and responsibility for them, and you do what you need to do.

 

Not easy...but simple.

[Dejavu_Fool]

Hi Dejavu,

 

First, let me say that I am very sorry you're hurting and so confused. Most of us have been there more than we care to remember.

 

Second, only you know about how you are feeling and hopefully eventually you can see clearly what is truth, but judging by what you are saying, I would be leary of throwing away what you have, for something that, judging by history, doesn't look promising.

 

In just about every marriage, complacency sets in and passion falls to the wayside but all is not lost. Passion in a marriage can exist but not without effort. You need to send your W little emails or texts or whatever it is you send to OW. Treat your W the way you would your OW.

 

I do sympathize with you and hope you can work thru this. One thing I CAN attest to is leaving the comfort of the passion you are experiencing with your OW is probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Your original divorce from her was probably easier. This is why I say, do it now before it becomes years and then your current W will want NOTHING to do with you and if this happens, nothing can or will compare to that kind of pain.

 

Good luck to you.

half of a heart,

 

Thank you...

[PhoenixRise]

No woman worth a damn wants to be someone's default choice.

 

No woman worth a damn wants to sleep next to a man night after night who is pining away for his one and only soulmate.

 

How much is your wife worth?

 

Even attempting to reconcile after a betrayal is a Herculean effort. Your continued betrayal says that you don't value her or your marriage very much and yet you won't tell her the truth so that SHE can find HER one and only soulmate.

 

I agree with some of the other posters that your MOW's actions (cheating on you during your marriage and now cheating with you on her current husband) make her a bad risk.

 

But if you love MOW so much then you should man up, tell your wife the truth and go get her. Yes, your wife will leave you, but so what? She is like a roommate. Let her go. Given time, your children will adjust.

 

Because eventually, either MOW's husband or your wife will find out about your continued affair and as long as your wife stays in the dark you aren't going to just stop the affair. You have a better shot at a better outcome if you just come clean now.

 

AND BTW nobody just bumps into someone on FB. One of you deliberately reached out to the other.

[woinlove]

woinlove,

 

I sincerely agree with most of what you said, but telling my wife about my more recent betrayal is kind of out of the question. I know she would never be able to accept it and our marriage would be over.

 

I also wanted to say that I noticed everyone seems to be putting the blame on my ex, but I think that is because I didn't share every detail with you. It is possible that I am just a moron, but I really believe that she has changed.

 

I don't know, I really appreciate everyones opinions, but I still feel completely lost.

 

Just rereading this again seems like you've answered your own question. By your own words you are saying you did something knowing that it will end your marriage. You already made the decision, but you are having problems accepting the fact that you made the decision. Unfortunately, life is not a dress rehearsal, so you don't get reruns.

 

From what you write, I think your marriage is over. But, if you think I might be wrong, you can tell your W and find out the answer for sure. If you try to stay married and keep the truth -- that you know should end your M -- away from your W, I think it will be a sad shell of a M for both of you for however long it lasts.

 

I'm sorry, but if you really know that your W can't accept what you've already done, then that's it.

[BB07]

Dejavu_Fool said..

 

I sincerely agree with most of what you said, but telling my wife about my more recent betrayal is kind of out of the question. I know she would never be able to accept it and our marriage would be over.

Well you took that chance knowing that but now you don't want to face the consequences........I say man up.

 

I also wanted to say that I noticed everyone seems to be putting the blame on my ex, but I think that is because I didn't share every detail with you. It is possible that I am just a moron, but I really believe that she has changed.

 

You aren't seeing clearly at all and I don't think that we (LS posters) are blaming it on her, it's on YOU. The point they are trying to make is that the choices your ex made years ago that caused you soo much pain are happening AGAIN. No matter how you want to slice it, or cut it, it's the SAME. She choose cheating to compensate for whatever is missing in her life. You might try to fool yourself with tales about you are soul mates and it was meant to be and blah, blah, blah..........but don't forget she CHEATED on you and now she is CHEATING again. She has not addressed whatever it was that caused her to do it the first time, in other words she has not learned her lesson and UNLESS she addresses the underlying problem she will keep repeating the behavior.

[Dejavu_Fool]

Re: the bolded...

 

I heard the same things from my fWH when he was (unknown to me at that time) in his affair. So what does your heart say? What does your brain say? Honestly though, I think that kind of tripe is senseless. As I told my fWH, your heart and brain are both a part of you, so let's not split hairs.

 

I'm curious, what are you telling your current wife about your feelings for her and your marriage? Are you telling your wife the same things that you are posting here? Or does she think you are 100% recommitted to her?

snowflower,

 

fwh?

 

No, I am not being honest with my wife. She thinks I am totally recommitted to our marriage and to her. As far as she knows I haven't spoken to my ex since May of last year when the whole thing fell apart.

[Snowflower]

snowflower,

 

fwh?

 

FWH = former wayward husband. One of the many acronyms around here. You'll get used to them after awhile.

 

 

 

No, I am not being honest with my wife. She thinks I am totally recommitted to our marriage and to her. As far as she knows I haven't spoken to my ex since May of last year when the whole thing fell apart.

 

Okay, thanks for answering.

[bentnotbroken]

snowflower,

 

fwh?

 

No, I am not being honest with my wife. She thinks I am totally recommitted to our marriage and to her. As far as she knows I haven't spoken to my ex since May of last year when the whole thing fell apart.

 

 

Yet here you are. Letting her waste her time and energy on a dead relationship because you can't man up and let her possibly lead a life with someone who will love her in honesty and with respect. Not only are cheating on her you are intentionally abusive and cruel with your gas lighting. :sick:

[whichwayisup]

First thing now you have to do is seek counselling to help you sort this out, to make a decision one way or another. This can't go on, everybody is hurting and you are driving yourself nuts.

 

It won't be easy to walk away, but if it's truly what you want, dig down deep, find your pair of you know what's and suffer through the pain, work with your therapist. If you aren't sure what you want, atleast be completely honest with your current wife so she can decide if she wants to stick around and wait it out with you, or walk away. To keep her in limbo isn't fair.

[Mimolicious]

Yep, I considered the personality issues, but being realistic... not there yet. How many A's can you count that have started because someone was bored and started trolling FB?

 

Actually 28,000,000 according to statistics. LOL!

[Mimolicious]

Eddie,

 

I love my current wife very much, but it's different. There is no passion between us anymore. Sometimes over the past few years I have felt like we were basically roommates. Instead of husband and wife...

 

Another one bites the dust! Rather than entertaining the ego-booster needy Xw, apply some of that interest and energy to your M. Give it a try and if you can't, then set your current W free. She probably is miserable with you, for all you know.

[SoMovinOn]

There is not just one perfect person for you. If that were true, it is unlikely anyone would find them - you'd need to search the entire earth. Also, there is no such thing as a soul mate. It's just a dumb term that popped up in the recent past. It was coined by the same morons who came up with "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." ... these people are the direct descendents of the people who came up with:

"It's not you, it's me."

"Of course we can still be friends"

"I think we need to explore our options, see other people"

And the concept that getting married, buying a house or having a baby will "bring us closer together"

 

The truth is, most people pick the wrong person to marry. 75% of them, give or take. 50% of them figure it out and get divorced. Of the remaining 50% who stay married, 25% of them would like to get divorced, but don't because of the kids, religious or other beliefs, financial or other reasons.

 

The bottom line is, the only thing this woman is, is someone you are very much in love with and have been for a long time.

 

You are also in love with your wife, and have a family.

 

It boils down to this - you have to make a choice, one or the other. Your wife has a choice to make too - be honest with her and let her make it.

[whichwayisup]

I love my current wife very much, but it's different. There is no passion between us anymore. Sometimes over the past few years I have felt like we were basically roommates. Instead of husband and wife...

 

Okay, so what have you done to bring passion back into your marriage? How have you made your wife feel special, cared for and loved? What has she done to make you feel that way? It's just tooooooooooooo easy to let life get in the way. Kids, work, routine, being tired, etc etc.. The thing is, PASSION wears out and effort has to be made to keep it alive. That connection and intimacy you did have with your wife IS still there, it's just been buried due to the emotional attachment and lust you have for your exW.

 

If you were to get sick, which woman would look after you, sit with you, giveyou love and support? I'm not talking sick as in cold, but a serious illness. Who is reliable? Think with your head and not your heart.

[JaneyAmazed]

Eddie,

 

I love my current wife very much, but it's different. There is no passion between us anymore. Sometimes over the past few years I have felt like we were basically roommates. Instead of husband and wife...

 

Uggg...this is exactly what I told my H before I had an A. He didn't think we needed passion (that was for new lovers). He didn't think he should change anything in our marriage, that is was just fine... eventhough I was miserable. Not that everyone would go the route I did, but that was the main reason I had the A. Now, my H and I are doing everything we can to get the passion back and we are much more than roommates. We have a long way to go, but already it's better than it was. I wish we could have done this before I made that horrible decision to cheat.

[fooled once]

No woman worth a damn wants to be someone's default choice.

 

No woman worth a damn wants to sleep next to a man night after night who is pining away for his one and only soulmate.

 

How much is your wife worth?

 

Even attempting to reconcile after a betrayal is a Herculean effort. Your continued betrayal says that you don't value her or your marriage very much and yet you won't tell her the truth so that SHE can find HER one and only soulmate.

 

I agree with some of the other posters that your MOW's actions (cheating on you during your marriage and now cheating with you on her current husband) make her a bad risk.

 

But if you love MOW so much then you should man up, tell your wife the truth and go get her. Yes, your wife will leave you, but so what? She is like a roommate. Let her go. Given time, your children will adjust.

 

Because eventually, either MOW's husband or your wife will find out about your continued affair and as long as your wife stays in the dark you aren't going to just stop the affair. You have a better shot at a better outcome if you just come clean now.

 

AND BTW nobody just bumps into someone on FB. One of you deliberately reached out to the other.

 

 

EXCELLENT POST!

 

I get so tired of the "I can't" stop thinking, stop cheating, stop...whatever.

 

It is so much baloney.

 

YOU CAN, you are just choosing NOT to.

 

Set your WIFE FREE - she doesn't deserve the constant daily betrayal and disrespect by you.

[Dejavu_Fool]

JaneyAmazed,

 

Thank you for your input. I can't figure out how to do the multi quote thing so, I'm going to break down my response in parts...

 

 

"Uggg...this is exactly what I told my H before I had an A. He didn't think we needed passion (that was for new lovers). He didn't think he should change anything in our marriage, that is was just fine..."

 

I had been expressing my concern for our marriage for years before this happened. I'm not trying to make excuses because I am man enough to accept that what I did was horribly wrong and selfish, but I tried to prevent it. I suggested marriage counseling, I read books about relationships and marriage, I even went to several sessions of personal counseling at my church. All of which pointed out the same problems. That my wife and I spend so little time together, and over the years we have changed and grown apart. I think I misspoke before when I said we were like roommates. I meant that we are like strangers. It feels like we are more mommy and daddy than husband and wife. But, over and over again she chose the job which is why we spend so little time together and said we need the money. Yes, I have a college degree which landed me a career as an Industrial Engineer, but as a sales person she makes more than twice my salary. I told her I would rather change our lifestyle and lose the money then continue and lose our marriage. She said that was rediculous, that we will be fine...

 

"Even though I was miserable. Not that everyone would go the route I did, but that was the main reason I had the A. Now, my H and I are doing everything we can to get the passion back and we are much more than roommates."

 

If it's not too personal, could you give me an idea what i can do? I don't want to lose my wife or my family, but at this point I'm beginning to think it's too late. How do I make things better if she is unwilling to change what is obviously wrong?

 

"We have a long way to go, but already it's better than it was. I wish we could have done this before I made that horrible decision to cheat."

 

I completely agree. I honestly believe if things had been better in my marriage, I would never have even considered cheating in the first place. I have been married 13 years and the reason nothing like this ever happened before is I avoided temptation.

[BB07]

JaneyAmazed,

 

Thank you for your input. I can't figure out how to do the multi quote thing so, I'm going to break down my response in parts...

 

 

"Uggg...this is exactly what I told my H before I had an A. He didn't think we needed passion (that was for new lovers). He didn't think he should change anything in our marriage, that is was just fine..."

 

I had been expressing my concern for our marriage for years before this happened. I'm not trying to make excuses because I am man enough to accept that what I did was horribly wrong and selfish, but I tried to prevent it. I suggested marriage counseling, I read books about relationships and marriage, I even went to several sessions of personal counseling at my church. All of which pointed out the same problems. That my wife and I spend so little time together, and over the years we have changed and grown apart. I think I misspoke before when I said we were like roommates. I meant that we are like strangers. It feels like we are more mommy and daddy than husband and wife. But, over and over again she chose the job which is why we spend so little time together and said we need the money. Yes, I have a college degree which landed me a career as an Industrial Engineer, but as a sales person she makes more than twice my salary. I told her I would rather change our lifestyle and lose the money then continue and lose our marriage. She said that was rediculous, that we will be fine...

 

"Even though I was miserable. Not that everyone would go the route I did, but that was the main reason I had the A. Now, my H and I are doing everything we can to get the passion back and we are much more than roommates."

 

If it's not too personal, could you give me an idea what i can do? I don't want to lose my wife or my family, but at this point I'm beginning to think it's too late. How do I make things better if she is unwilling to change what is obviously wrong?

 

I'm not Janey..........but Why don't you just lay the whole truth out there? Since you want and need BIG changes, then that seems like the only way. Sometimes people don't realize how much they really want something until they are faced with a REAL possibility of losing it. You might be surprised what both you and your wife would be willing to do to keep your marriage and make it better or you might find that you would be better off apart, but until the real WHOLE truth is out there, not much will change, one way or the other.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm not Janey..........but Why don't you just lay the whole truth out there? Since you want and need BIG changes, then that seems like the only way. Sometimes people don't realize how much they really want something until they are faced with a REAL possibility of losing it. You might be surprised what both you and your wife would be willing to do to keep your marriage and make it better or you might find that you would be better off apart, but until the real WHOLE truth is out there, not much will change, one way or the other.

 

 

And nothing should change. It should be exactly what you put into it, in your case nothing. False recovery= no changes. You didn't change your behavior for anything to warrant what you desire to happen.

[pureinheart]

Hello Everyone,

 

Let me start by saying, normally I'm not the type of person who shares his problems, let alone asks for help. But, this time I don't trust my own judgment to give me the answers I desperately need. My situation is a very long story. Too long to explain everything in full detail so, I'll try to give you the reader’s digest version.

 

About 15 years ago I married the woman of my dreams. Up until that time of my life, I never really knew what true love was like. For about 1 year life was perfect! Then, one day out of nowhere all hell broke loose. She admitted to me that she was in love with someone else. I was devastated and practically begged her not to leave me, but she wanted a divorce. Well, I guess you could say I didn't handle it too well. I made some threats to hurt him and did a lot of yelling and screaming at her. I guess she took me seriously because she had a restraining order put on me which prohibited me from being within 500 feet of him or her for two years.

 

A few months later we went to divorce court and that was that. About a year later I remarried my current wife.

 

Ok, here is where things get messy. In January 2010 (14 years later) I bumped into my first wife on Facebook. She offered me an apology for the childish and stupid things that she had done and all of the hurt she had caused. I also apologized for my behavior and we decided that both of us would let the past go and try being friends again. Over the following few weeks we chatted more and more often. Then I had the idea that we should talk on the phone once in a while. In the few weeks following that decision, we began to talk everyday for hours at a time. Then we decided to meet and have lunch, which I guess was the final straw for both of us. From there we began an affair that went on for about 4 months until her husband confronted her and she broke down and told him the truth. He threatened that he was going to tell my wife so, I figured it would be better coming from me, and I came clean myself.

 

My ex-wife and I decided that even though we had regained very strong feelings for one another, we had to stop for the sake of our families. We said good bye and went about 3 months without talking. Then, out of the blue in August she called me and explained how she couldn’t stop thinking of me and that she loves me and of course I broke down and we started seeing each other again off and on. This became more and more difficult because it was obvious to both of us that we were madly in love.

 

I know that what I have been doing is terribly wrong. My wife and family don’t deserve to be hurt and I don’t want to hurt them. The problem is I can’t stop thinking about her. She is in my head every minute of the day and no matter how hard I try not to, I long to hear her voice, to be near her, to see her beautiful smile. When she tells me she loves me, a feeling comes over me that is indescribable.

 

Okay, now that the story is out of the way, here is my question…

 

How do I walk away from the greatest love of my life? If it is true and God only put one perfect person for me on earth, one soul mate, than she is the one. How am I supposed to walk away and ever be happy again? How do I turn it off and go back to being the husband and father my family deserves?

 

~Déjà vu Fool

 

Hi D,

 

Well, I would advise to step back from the situation if that is possible and give yourself the room to think, please do not act on emotion.

 

It sounds like you have a relationship with God, and if this is the truth I would consult Him and ask what He wants you to do.

 

Hey, your human, k...please remember that, and remember that no one is above reproach...please hang in there ((((((((((hugs))))))))))