Friends with Men

[Lucille]

I have something I would like other people's takes on.

 

My bf has several female friends who he meets for coffee (with or without me), that kind of thing. I've gotten used to it and learned trust along the way, and he says he's happy for me to have male friends, although I think that's easy for him to say, since I don't really have any that I meet on a regular basis. The thing is, the reason I don't have any day-to-day male friends that I can go out with etc, seems to be because men only seem to be interested in me as a potential girlfriend. They hang about, chat to me, whatever, and I think, great, I've found a friend, but then as soon as they find out I have a boyfriend, they cool off completely and it's not my imagination. I even had this problem when I was looking to share a flat, the guy I applied to was all keen and then when I mentioned I had a bf, he kind of seemed to change his mind about me and needless to say I didn't get the room. This is what makes it hard for me to believe that my bf's girl friends are completely innocent.

 

What's the story???

[Help Me]

FYI there is such a thing as a true friend of the opposite sex. Some of my best friends are girls. There are absolutely no sexual feelings between us at all. I am sorry that you have not experienced that. As far as those other girls go, I would trust your boyfriend on that one. He seems from what you say to be a pretty upstanding guy. I don't know what else to say really except good luck.

[Tony T]

There are some men that are totally capable of having lady friends. They get a great deal of enjoyment out of conversing and being part of their lives to different degrees. I am one of them.

 

I have given it a lot of thought. In my case, my mother died when I was 13. I suspect that I enjoy the company of women because each of them gives me just a little bit of what my mother wasn't around to give me. A lady platonic friend can do that. Someone I'm romantic with cannot. Of course, I could never be romantic with these women I'm getting this motherly stuff from.

 

There may be other reasons why your boyfriend enjoys the company of lady friends. If there was more going on, I really don't think he would be so upfront and honest about it.

 

The true test, of course, is if he's willing to introduce you to all of them. If he's willing to bring you along once in a while.to his meetings with these ladies, it will be proof positive that they know about you and that things are cool all the way around. If he balks at doing that, and he has absolutely no reason to do that, I would be truly pissed if I were you. Even that is not a sure sign more is going on...but it does leave things open for consideration.

 

As far as males in general are concerned, every one is different. For the most part, though, so often males will begin as friends with females and fall in love later on. As a man, I can tell you the environment for falling in love is so much greater when there's no pressure to put on your best all the time, you can let you hair down, and a fondness continues when the two of you are just being the two of you. So things just happen.

 

I do think most men who are looking for a female roommate do have in the back of their head that eventally more will be shared than the refrigerator. But there are exceptions to that too. You have just had some bad experiences. Such is life.

[Air]

I have to agree with both Tony and Help Me--it *is* possible to be platonic friends with women. Many of my best friends are women, and I'd sooner sleep with them than with my sister. (Just the thought, ick!) I enjoy their company and their candor. I can do fun things with them without all of the stresses of a possible romantic/sexual encounter. I enjoy the straight talk we can have on relationships, each other's gender, and the like. Usually, that cannot or doesn't happen within a relationship--not that it's a bad thing, it just doesn't happen. I'm sure your boyfriend's friends are along these lines...and I'd encourage you to meet them. Chances are that you'll have a fantastic time. He wouldn't tell you about them if they were "more than" friends.

 

However, that being said, I find that female friendships are done purely from a case-by-case basis. I have some female friends where a purely platonic relationship is either impossible or not wanted. We have a great time, sometimes we get frisky, but we see it for it really is. Sometimes, the friendship is stressed by this, and sometimes, the friendship suffers for it. Unfortunately, there are some women that I just cannot be platonic with, no matter how hard I'd like to think otherwise. But this is usually few and far between...and most assuredly not in a large group. (I am not a polygamist--not that lucky.) =)

 

So, in fine, I wouldn't stress over it much. In fact, see if you can hang out. I'm sure you'll make fast friends.

 

-Air

[Queenie]

Hi,

 

Here's my opinion, I think that your b/f friend is exactly the kind of "coffee" friend that you are looking for.

 

These women that go out for coffee with him sure are lucky to have a male friend like him. To have someone of the opposite sex that will actually listen to them and not ogle over them like they are meat is a friend worth hanging on to wouldn't you agree? You yourself would like that wouldn't you? I'd say that your b/f is a very special human being and you must be a very beautiful lady for all of these guys to think that they would rather hit on you than listen to you. I mean that in the best way please, there is no sarchasim intended here. Those guys are propably missing out on a really great friendship and their testosterone got in the way.

I have something I would like other people's takes on. My bf has several female friends who he meets for coffee (with or without me), that kind of thing. I've gotten used to it and learned trust along the way, and he says he's happy for me to have male friends, although I think that's easy for him to say, since I don't really have any that I meet on a regular basis. The thing is, the reason I don't have any day-to-day male friends that I can go out with etc, seems to be because men only seem to be interested in me as a potential girlfriend. They hang about, chat to me, whatever, and I think, great, I've found a friend, but then as soon as they find out I have a boyfriend, they cool off completely and it's not my imagination. I even had this problem when I was looking to share a flat, the guy I applied to was all keen and then when I mentioned I had a bf, he kind of seemed to change his mind about me and needless to say I didn't get the room. This is what makes it hard for me to believe that my bf's girl friends are completely innocent. What's the story???

[Rogue]

Well,I'll be the first to admit to having problems forming close friendships with women. Whether this makes me a jerk,I don't know.But you are right in your post in saying that a lot of men think of women as potential love interest only.I would say most men are like that.

 

Don't get me wrong.I think having women for friends is great.I get along great a lot better with female family members than I do with my male ones.And I have a much easier time working with female co-workers than I do with male ones.But forming close friendships with women,purely platonic, for me is out of the question.

 

It's never happened to me personally.I've either fallen for my friends,or they've fallen for me. It's weird.It could because I have a tendency to have few friendships,but have very close personal ones when I do.

 

A lot of people have a large social circle,but have less intense friendships.So for them,friends of the opposite sex may not be as bad.

 

As for your boyfriend having platonic female friends,I guess it's possible.I wouldn't be quick to jump to conclusions if I were you.I guess the real question is how close of a friendship does he have with them?

[Bella]

Well thank you all for your responses.

 

After reading them I've come to understand a couple of things. Firstly, my bf is VERY sociable and although he has lots of female friends they are all very diverse but not that close and he gets mental stimulation that way. I'm not really concerned if they try to hit on him because he reassures me constantly that I am the most beautiful woman in the world and the only one for him.

 

If you call "friends" someone you say hello to at work, then I have lots of male friends, but I mean someone who I can call up and tell my problems to and who wants to spend time with me. I only have 2 or 3 of what I call "friends" and they are all women.

 

I think that the problem is that men have a hard time looking at a "beautiful" women as much more than a sexual being. They just can't get past that. I don't mean all men, maybe I just mix with the wrong guys. I should just take it as a compliment from now on.