out of the blue

[reaching_out]

Backstory. We've been together a little under two years. We've lived together for about ten months. Outside of about six months into our relationship when he had a night terror episode (which has been resolved), I wouldn't consider our relationship violent at all.

 

Last night, I went out with my boyfriend to dinner. We had a bit to drink over three hours... two whiskies each and split about 2/3rds of a bottle of wine.

 

On the way home, he tried to grope me (which I normally respond to playfully). I didn't like it this time so I grabbed his hand and he grabbed my arm and pretty much wouldn't let go until we got home. Then he brought me up to our bedroom, stripped off my clothes and spanked me hard for several minutes while I was screaming, until he pushed me off the bed and then I ran downstairs to my roommate, who then drove me to a friend's house to stay overnight.

 

I came home this morning and told my BF that I was very scared. I didn't feel like he validated how I felt... he said I had been screaming and hysterical last night. We both went downstairs and talked in front of our roommate. We both acknowledged that he grabbed my hand, stripped off my clothes, spanked me and that I was yelling the whole time. He claims I wasn't telling him to stop. My roommate said that he should realize when no means no. My BF said that tonight he's going to stay in a hotel and whenever I'm ready to talk we can.

 

This is a little tricky because normally we are into kink and roleplay. We have a large collection of paddles, handcuffs, etc. I kind of think that he was drunk and thought it was a role play scenario and doesn't see how horribly out of hand it got. But where do I go from here? My roommate was shaken up and he thinks we should both just move out of the house.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I called the local women's crisis line and talked to them. The woman told me that basically I need to figure out if I'm feeling safe and if my BF really understands that he did something wrong, and then I can make a decision after that. I kind of have no idea what to do. I read a bunch of 'relationship red flag' websites but they aren't really ringing a bell. He doesn't pay my bills, undermine me, encourage me to isolate myself from anyone (we go out on double dates with friends a lot, he encourages me to call my mom every week, etc) and... I don't know. He cooks and cleans...

 

Is this really an isolated incident? It feels like it but maybe i Don't have perspective.

 

I feel like I've read the phrase 'hit me once, shame on you, hit me twice, shame on me' and I wonder what I can do to stop it from ever happening again.

 

Anyway. Just looking for support. Thanks.

[Billie63]

Hi hon, I'm a bit confused on this one. For example you said he brought you upstairs. Did he drag you? Were you fighting back when he stripped you. With your 'roleplay' background, I wonder if he missed the signals under the influence. I don't want to diminish what he did because it could very well be that what he did was totally sinister and intentionally violent!

 

However your mutual love (I presume it's mutual?) of roleplay and S&M muddies the water a bit.

 

I don't think there was that much alcohol involved so I presume you remember everything? Is there anyway you could have forgotten something said between you?

 

I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt because as you say, in every other area he sounds like a good boyfriend.

 

Also, with your normal roleplay games, do you use it as a precursor to vanilla sex? If so I wonder why he threw you off the bed instead of attempting to consumate the night in the normal manner?

 

And one last question, one rule of thumb with S&M/roleplay is to have a key word that either must call out when they want the play to stop. The word 'no' won't cut it but something unusual. Do you have one of these?

Edited February 5, 2011 by Billie63

[reaching_out]

Thanks for replying, Billie.

 

We met up yesterday. He's spent the last two days in a hotel. He apologized for having scared me but reiterated that the entire time he thought we were playing until I ran out of the room. He apologized and said he can't be in a relationship where he's thought of as an abuser. He also said that I need to consider if I really want to get back together with him - if I see him as someone who scares me, then if I'll respect myself more for going back. He said 'the ball is in my court' and so I need to decide if we should break up, or continue our relationship even though now we'll have to stop with the power games, at least for a while

 

We do a lot of power dynamics all of the time, but this is the first time it's felt out of control, at least to me.

 

Yeah, and since I was drinking, he says that I forgot that I was being crabby during dinner, and that he said "I'll teach you not to drink too much" during the ride home and then when we got home, he pulled down my pants, gave me 12 spanks, and then tucked me into bed... but then I jumped out of bed and ran out of the room at that point.

 

And no, sadly, we don't have a safeword. I wonder if all of this would have been prevented by that. I do think that he didn't exercise good responsibility in not checking in with me when he realized I wasn't having fun. If it was a 'scene' as he claims, he should have been able to step out of it for a minute to see why I wasn't having fun.

 

Thinking about it now, I think it was a combination of too much alcohol (which obviously I need to fix in my own life) and us not having practiced much s&m lately, so we're out of practice and it just didn't work out well.

 

I'm reading lists of 'red flags' and I think the fact that he's not actively trying to get me back... he's saying 'You need to respect yourself at the end of the day and being with someone you find abusive isn't going to do that'. At this point i kind of feel like it's a balance between deciding if my version of events isn't as right as I thought it was (and therefore staying in the relationship) or deciding I was totally correct (and therefore leaving). I don't feel scared or fearful for my safety at all... at this point, I almost feel like it's a pride issue.

 

So... he's coming over to the house today to get some stuff and we'll talk then. I'll try and update this thread someone in the next couple of days.

 

Thank you!

[reaching_out]

I spent the afternoon with a kink-friendly girlfriend of mine who's known both of us for a few years. She seems to think that it sounds like a boundary issue that was inflamed by alcohol, more than an underlying pattern of abuse.

 

I think that at this point I need to define exactly what I would constitute as crossing the line (from a clean and sober standpoint) and make sure I understand what would have to happen for me not to feel safe. I also need to address my alcohol consumption.

 

As for my roommate, he still feels like he wants to move out, which I support... no one should have to feel uncomfortable in their own environment. However, I also feel like he's treating me a bit more like a victim than I feel like i am, which makes the situation more stressful.

 

I'm hoping to find a good balance with both him and with my bf... but on the other hand, I'm also very aware that I might start worrying more about their needs than mine, so hoping to stay away from that.

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[Billie63]

Hi Reaching Out, yes I tend to agree with your friend. Hope the 2 of you can sort things out. As for your flatmate, how much do you want to tell him about your sex life in order to make him feel comfortable living with the two of you. As a man he is naturally gonna feel protective towards you. You've got to accept you were very distressed and he witnessed that. It's difficult to take that memory from his mind. Maybe the two of you should move out and live alone?