itsmeapril Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Hello Everyone, this is my first post. I came here wanting to discuss relationships and hopefully to get some good advice from others going through similar things! Thanks in advance for any help. I'm 24, and have been in an on and off again relationship with a man (we've taken a total of 3 breaks, each no longer than a month) for nearly 2.5 years. It has been long-distance for nearly a year now. At my suggestion, we recently decided to, at first, break up again, and then decided to just keep it open since neither of us knows what we want right now. He is in the army and now lives in Alaska. I don't live anywhere near Alaska . . . He is 34 years old, has been in one serious relationship before me (4 years) and this is my first serious relationship. He also recently became much busier as he is going back to school for his master's. Here is the main issue: I have wanted to move to AK to be with him since I first heard he was going. At first, he didn't even entertain the idea, and so I didn't even seriously think about moving. However, as we started talking more about marriage, I really started to think seriously about moving there to be with him, and told him I would look for a job, etc. (this went on last year from September until December.) He would waver back and forth between being supportive, to saying that he's not sure, and that he doesn't want me to blame him if things don't work out after I end up moving there. At this point neither of us is ready for marriage. We have both made that clear. BUT, I still want to be with him, and genuinely offered several times (despite my not wanting to seem desperate or clingy) to move so that I could be with him. But, he is still unsure, and while we still talk, now even more after the "break up," I just get the feeling he will never make up his mind and I will have let myself be dragged along for such a long time and end up pissed at him for stringing me along. I might mention that this is a pattern for him. The same thing happened in his last relationship, but I had always thought that now, because he is getting his career in line, he's older (and more mature?), feels more secure financially, that he would be more ready to "settle down." I guess I was very wrong. I love him very much, and have told him that, but I am really having a very hard time with all of this. I can't let go and I can't start dating other people because I'm not ready, I don't want to, and I can't just shut off my love and end it entirely. But, being friends is also difficult. I am a very black-and-white person, and he is very "gray," which makes things even more difficult and I don't think he really understands why I am having such a hard time. Sorry to write a novel, but I think most of the details are important. I would love to hear form other people currently in LDR or who have experience with them. . . what to do what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
folieadeux Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I wouldn't even discuss moving until things are more stable in your relationship. If you were to go now, it sounds like it would be a recipe for disaster because it'd be you forcing the issue and backing him into a corner. Even though your SO is ten years your senior, that doesn't equate to maturity. From what you've described of his past serious relationship and his personality traits, it sounds like he's in a very transitional period in his life and not ready to settle down with you or in the same way you are. Sorry to sound harsh, but both people have to want the same things in a relationship to ensure success, especially when contemplating such drastic life decisions. He's outright telling you that he's not ready, and may not be for a considerable amount of time. Instead of being the only one to plan a move, you have to decide for yourself whether or not it's worth it for you to wait for someone who really doesn't sound like he shares the same goals as you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsmeapril Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 Thank you for your reply! Yes, I don't have any plans of moving there for the time being. That would just be a bad idea at the moment . . . Yes, you're right, he is a "late bloomer" in many ways, and from a different culture, he has only been in the US for about 7 years now, so he is still adjusting and is only now getting his career on track. Yes, that's the issue, whether to wait around or not. I feel that no matter what I do, date other people or whatever, he will always be #1 in my heart. I am verrrry slow to forget my feelings and have a hard time moving on, especially if the relationship / person have a big impact on me. I do believe he basically wants the same things I do, but at this time he is not quite ready for it all. Who knows . . . I can't help but be impatient, too. This feels like a time in my life when I need to be with my significant other, settling down, getting our careers in line and moving toward marriage, and he is thousands of miles away. I don't want to wait for who knows when when we'll be able to live in the same place, etc. . . . it's just hard. Anyway, thank you for the input, it's nice to hear it from an outsider's perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
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