How can I deal with commitment phobia?

[Thornton]

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm commitment-phobic, and if so what can I do about it?

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost five months, and he's a really nice guy; we were friends for ages before we dated so we know each other well. But I can feel myself starting to pull away from him, because I'm getting too attached to him and I feel I need to maintain my distance in order to be safe.

 

I suffer from low self esteem and have a history of not being able to form lasting relationships with either friends or boyfriends. I constantly think that he's going to meet someone better, or realize that I'm actually a loser and just dump me, and sometimes I even think that he deserves someone better than me because I'm such a freak. When I feel strong loving feelings for him it makes me sad because he'll eventually leave me, and because I'm not good enough for him and he deserves better. When I withdraw from him I get a sense of reassurance when he tries to pull me back, because it proves that he wants me; it's almost like I'm testing him.

 

I would love a lasting relationship with a decent man, but I just can't believe that any decent man would want to be with me if he really knew me. Nobody has ever really wanted to be my friend, no decent man has ever wanted to commit to me, so I feel it's unlikely that this relationship (or any other) could last. I'm having thoughts about dumping my boyfriend, because the more I love him the sadder I feel that he won't stay with me in the long term, I'm scared of getting hurt, and I also feel guilty because I'm a loser and he deserves better.

 

I have a pattern of dating men who I don't really like because it's safe and they can't hurt me, and I have a habit of keeping them at a distance and dumping them if they try to get too close. I think maybe this pattern comes from my youth when I was bullied and rejected by my peer group, and used and dumped by my first boyfriend. My expectations of not being able to trust anyone have been strengthened by the sheer number of those guys who have cheated or otherwise treated me like crap.

 

I'm beginning to think that I suffer from commitment-phobia, because I've been rejected and hurt so much that I'm unable to trust and afraid to be close to anyone. I really don't know what to do about it though

[Woggle]

Embrace it and accept that you do not want commitment.

[Thornton]

I do want commitment though, that's the whole point. I just feel scared and unworthy, and unable to trust anyone

[Woggle]

I do want commitment though, that's the whole point. I just feel scared and unworthy, and unable to trust anyone

 

If you wanted commitment you would embrace it more.

[Thornton]

If you wanted commitment you would embrace it more.

If I could have a 100% safe relationship with a guy I loved, who I deserved to be with, and who was guaranteed to commit to me and stay with me forever, then I'd jump at the chance. I'm willing to embrace commitment; what I struggle to embrace is uncertainty (i.e. uncertainty about whether someone is going to reject me or treat me badly).

 

I find it difficult to invest in a relationship when in my experience I always get mistreated and/or dumped eventually. I have such low self esteem that I find it difficult to trust that someone actually likes me and isn't just yanking my chain or using me for sex. Low self esteem also makes me feel guilty about even expecting someone to commit to me, because I'm pretty useless and he deserves better. I don't even trust my own judgement of whether someone is a decent guy or not, because I've been taken in by lies before.

 

It's not that I don't want commitment, I just feel scared that I might open myself up and be hurt or rejected, and this fear causes me to reject people before they can reject me. I don't know how to get over all these fears and reach the stage where I can trust someone to commit to me and feel worthy of their love.

[D-Lish]

You have to learn to love yourself first before being relationship ready. You'll never find a healthy relationship with anyone if you don't believe you deserve one.

 

Have you considered therapy? It really helped me to overcome my self esteem issues.

 

If you truly want to experience a loving, mutually accepting relationship, you have to make things right within yourself first.

 

When you don't feel good about yourself, you'll attract the wrong kind of people- and even if you do meet a good one, you'll sabotage it due to the belief that you aren't worthy of any kind of happiness.

 

When you feel good about yourself, you'll seek and attract people that reflect how you feel about yourself.

 

You have to accept that you deserve happiness and then reciprocate accordingly in order to find peace in a relationship.

[Woggle]

If I could have a 100% safe relationship with a guy I loved, who I deserved to be with, and who was guaranteed to commit to me and stay with me forever, then I'd jump at the chance. I'm willing to embrace commitment; what I struggle to embrace is uncertainty (i.e. uncertainty about whether someone is going to reject me or treat me badly).

 

I find it difficult to invest in a relationship when in my experience I always get mistreated and/or dumped eventually. I have such low self esteem that I find it difficult to trust that someone actually likes me and isn't just yanking my chain or using me for sex. Low self esteem also makes me feel guilty about even expecting someone to commit to me, because I'm pretty useless and he deserves better. I don't even trust my own judgement of whether someone is a decent guy or not, because I've been taken in by lies before.

 

It's not that I don't want commitment, I just feel scared that I might open myself up and be hurt or rejected, and this fear causes me to reject people before they can reject me. I don't know how to get over all these fears and reach the stage where I can trust someone to commit to me and feel worthy of their love.

 

I am not trying to insult you but ask yourself whether or not you would get bored with that. If you truly do want commitment and you find yourself unable to trust then maybe getting help is the right idea.

[robaday]

Im in the same boat. I have hurt some great people in the process.

 

I love my freedom and independence, and will do anything to keep people at a distance-Ive been known to take on more work, do more in the gym, go out drinking with friends more to avoid spending time with someone.

 

I never commit to be fully "in" a relationship, nor can I commit to stay "out" of a relationship.

 

After three months is normally when the panic sets in. The idea of a routine scares the bejesus out of me, and in terms of meeting parents, valentines day i have panic attacks.

 

I feel weak and vulnerable on the inside, that I am not mature enough to handle the responsibility of actually opening my heart to care about someone else. I feel like im faking it, even though i have everything going for me.

[Thornton]

I love my freedom and independence, and will do anything to keep people at a distance

I don't think I necessarily love my freedom, or that I would lose my freedom in a relationship. I'm just scared of letting someone get close and then being hurt by them.

 

After three months is normally when the panic sets in. The idea of a routine scares the bejesus out of me, and in terms of meeting parents, valentines day i have panic attacks.

We're coming up to five months, and I'm starting to get nervous. I can handle a routine, Valentines Day, parents, etc - what I can't handle is emotional closeness, trust, and relying on someone to be there for me. If I feel like I'm starting to rely on someone and invest in the relationship, I'm terrified and my instinct is to back off, because in my experience people generally won't be there for me - and in a way I sort of feel like I don't deserve to have them be there for me, because I'm a loser.

 

I am not trying to insult you but ask yourself whether or not you would get bored with that.

I don't think I would get bored with commitment. I do want commitment, it just feels so dangerous to open yourself up to someone who might just punch you in the face and run away laughing. It's like I want commitment but at the same time I'm scared of the risks I'd have to take to achieve it.

 

You have to learn to love yourself first before being relationship ready. You'll never find a healthy relationship with anyone if you don't believe you deserve one.

Yeah, I totally get that. I don't feel that I love myself (if anything I'm ashamed because I feel like a bad person), I feel unworthy of any nice person I'm with, and I feel a bit guilty because he's stuck with a loser like me when he could easily do better. Unfortunately I can't afford therapy, but I'm trying to work through my issues as best I can.

[ALonerAgain]

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm commitment-phobic, and if so what can I do about it?

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost five months, and he's a really nice guy; we were friends for ages before we dated so we know each other well. But I can feel myself starting to pull away from him, because I'm getting too attached to him and I feel I need to maintain my distance in order to be safe.

 

I suffer from low self esteem and have a history of not being able to form lasting relationships with either friends or boyfriends. I constantly think that he's going to meet someone better, or realize that I'm actually a loser and just dump me, and sometimes I even think that he deserves someone better than me because I'm such a freak. When I feel strong loving feelings for him it makes me sad because he'll eventually leave me, and because I'm not good enough for him and he deserves better. When I withdraw from him I get a sense of reassurance when he tries to pull me back, because it proves that he wants me; it's almost like I'm testing him.

 

I would love a lasting relationship with a decent man, but I just can't believe that any decent man would want to be with me if he really knew me. Nobody has ever really wanted to be my friend, no decent man has ever wanted to commit to me, so I feel it's unlikely that this relationship (or any other) could last. I'm having thoughts about dumping my boyfriend, because the more I love him the sadder I feel that he won't stay with me in the long term, I'm scared of getting hurt, and I also feel guilty because I'm a loser and he deserves better.

 

I have a pattern of dating men who I don't really like because it's safe and they can't hurt me, and I have a habit of keeping them at a distance and dumping them if they try to get too close. I think maybe this pattern comes from my youth when I was bullied and rejected by my peer group, and used and dumped by my first boyfriend. My expectations of not being able to trust anyone have been strengthened by the sheer number of those guys who have cheated or otherwise treated me like crap.

 

I'm beginning to think that I suffer from commitment-phobia, because I've been rejected and hurt so much that I'm unable to trust and afraid to be close to anyone. I really don't know what to do about it though

 

 

Thornton, thank you for posting this.

 

Have you read my other post? As a lot of it describes exactly what you are feeling.

 

D-Lish is right: nothing will ever fit if you keep believinig that you're not worth it.

 

Have been in therapy? I currently am and it really helps to have a professional's view.

 

Also, books by Stephen Carter and anything on inner-child work and self-defeating behaviours can help you get to the root and start re-parenting yourself to build your esteem. It's not an overnight thing, but it will be worth it in the long-run.

[Thornton]

Thanks for your reply. I read your other post, and it appears I'm not alone in dealing with low self esteem - you and a couple of other posters are dealing with it too, I guess it's probably more common than I realize.

 

I think many of my problems result from being bullied/rejected when I was a kid. I have abandonment issues which lead me to cling to people and then push them away before they can reject me. I also have issues with commitment because my low self esteem leads me to think that nice people won't/shouldn't want a serious relationship with me, and I'm scared to invest in a relationship because I expect rejection not reciprocation. Like you, I have a pattern of dating insecure men who I'm not really interested in, because they're unlikely to leave me, and even if they do leave me, they can't hurt me because I don't care about them. Obviously such relationships don't last because I don't love the guy, and this lack of love and stability just makes me worse.

 

My parents weren't good role models - they were unemployed, had a bad relationship (divorced when I grew up), and were very clingy with me (which I think made it difficult for me to develop normal social skills - as a kid I actually felt guilty about anything that took me away from them).

 

A lot of the issues I'm experiencing now are because I'm getting on a bit (thirties) and facing the possibility that if I can't figure out how to maintain a loving relationship I won't have an opportunity to marry and have kids. I have a great boyfriend, but for some reason I assume he won't want to commit to me, and I'm already starting to back off from our relationship because I anticipate rejection. I'm actually thinking "he isn't going to commit, so I need to dump him and find someone else while there's still time", and truthfully he hasn't even really given me a sign that he won't commit! I realize I have issues, and I want to deal with them rather than running away from the best man I've ever met.

 

I haven't been in therapy, mostly for financial reasons, though I agree it would probably do me good if I could afford it. I'll look up some of the books you mentioned in your other post. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in dealing with these sorts of issues

[Distant78]

You must do what's on my signature.

[ALonerAgain]

Thanks for your reply. I read your other post, and it appears I'm not alone in dealing with low self esteem - you and a couple of other posters are dealing with it too, I guess it's probably more common than I realize.

 

I think many of my problems result from being bullied/rejected when I was a kid. I have abandonment issues which lead me to cling to people and then push them away before they can reject me. I also have issues with commitment because my low self esteem leads me to think that nice people won't/shouldn't want a serious relationship with me, and I'm scared to invest in a relationship because I expect rejection not reciprocation. Like you, I have a pattern of dating insecure men who I'm not really interested in, because they're unlikely to leave me, and even if they do leave me, they can't hurt me because I don't care about them. Obviously such relationships don't last because I don't love the guy, and this lack of love and stability just makes me worse.

 

My parents weren't good role models - they were unemployed, had a bad relationship (divorced when I grew up), and were very clingy with me (which I think made it difficult for me to develop normal social skills - as a kid I actually felt guilty about anything that took me away from them).

 

A lot of the issues I'm experiencing now are because I'm getting on a bit (thirties) and facing the possibility that if I can't figure out how to maintain a loving relationship I won't have an opportunity to marry and have kids. I have a great boyfriend, but for some reason I assume he won't want to commit to me, and I'm already starting to back off from our relationship because I anticipate rejection. I'm actually thinking "he isn't going to commit, so I need to dump him and find someone else while there's still time", and truthfully he hasn't even really given me a sign that he won't commit! I realize I have issues, and I want to deal with them rather than running away from the best man I've ever met.

 

I haven't been in therapy, mostly for financial reasons, though I agree it would probably do me good if I could afford it. I'll look up some of the books you mentioned in your other post. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in dealing with these sorts of issues

 

Glad to be of some help!

 

Like you, I'm in my early 30s too. When things grounded to a halt with my ex, I figured that I had to start to really take responsibility for my recurring patterns, because, like you've stated, I don't want to end up missing the opportunity of having a stable, healthy relationship.