fun over concideration

[hardened]

I have lately been trying to figure out if I am simply too controlling and jealous, or if it is my girlfriend that does things that she shouldn't do:

 

1. when i met her she was trying to work out a dead-end relationship with a pothead who loved her but with whom she fell out of love. She claims that she fell in love with me at first sight and that she would die if she lost me. the pothead continues to call her and their occational talking really bothered me. I made sure that she understood that my demand for a healthy relationship is that she cut this guy off completely, which she was able to do successfully, although he continued to call her for some time.

 

2. from the start i had serious personal problems when having to deal with the idea of her being with guys before me. I really wanted this girl to be mine, and this was very difficult to realize, knowing that she had been in serious relationships before. I talked to her about my problem and simply told her that i was very sorry that love must be so cruel as to allow us to loose our innocence to people who no longer matter. she seemed to agree.

 

3. One evening i took her and her female friend out to play pool, and after - treated both to dinner. the next day i asked her to call me and she said that she would in the evening. She never called. i was missing her and was very bothered with the ideas of what this may mean.

 

4. when she finally did call me back (after i left several messages of concern) the 3rd day, she told me that she was sleeping most of the day. she was out late with her friend (the same one i treated to pool and dinner) and an old male friend and his buddy. they were playing pool at the same place the very next day... the four of them. this is why she didn't call me, distracted by the fun she was having. and this is why she slept all next day, because she came home late.

 

5. when i explained to her how i felt and that i wanted her to explain to me how she understands the situation, she told me that i take too much issue with things and that it shouldn't bother me that she went to play pool with a guy that was her friend. to me it looked like a double date, regardless of how innocent she thought it was.

 

6. a few days later after continuing to discuss the situation with her i found out that she "hooked up" with this guy over the summer (before i met her) several times... this further infuriated me and built up my case against her. i drew her an analogy about my going out with my brother, my ex, and her female friend, and asked her how she would feel about it. she told me she now understands how i feel, and that she feels bad about it.

 

7. today i learned that she went out with the same female friend to bowl the very next day after i took them both out to bowl, to the same place. i didn't ask her if they went with any guys because i believe that she understood what this implies and that she promised not to do anything like that again.

 

8. i have been trying to figure out if it is my problem that i hate it when she has fun without me in general, or if it she who has messed up priorities. i feel like every time she goes out to have fun, she places herself in dangerous situations ie. guys able to hit on her, flirting, rape, and who knows what else...

 

9. i also feel that i am completely within my rights to think that if she wants to have guy firends, it should be only with me or with my exact knowledge or the guy and her intentions / whearabouts.... is this too much?

 

10. i was always under the impression that it is up to the other partner to diffuse any suspicions or concerns about misbehavior. i think that i have made it very easy for her... i always take her feelings into concideration and make sure that whatever im doing would not be bothering her (placing myself in her shoes if she could see my actions)...

 

please help me establish ground rules with this girl that are not overbearing. i must know if i have a chance with this girl. a lot of feelings have been invested, and it would break my heart of she ends up becoming tired of my nagging..... or if i become tired of her outings...

[ArdeaCandidissima]

It seems you are trying to figure out what the general, allpurpose relationship rules are. Trouble is, there really aren't any that will necessarily be agreed to by all parties. So don't waste time wondering what "The Rules" are, just figure out what you can be happy with, and what the girl can be happy with, and whether there is an overlap.

 

As far as your specific examples, I would not tolerate her taking 2 days to return a call, when you had left her an urgent message, nor being left out of any guy-girl excursion she arranged. It's not even a sex/cheating thing - it's just a "don't leave me out" thing. I would expect my SO to invite me to any outing they were planning, unless it was a strict "boys only" event.

 

i feel like every time she goes out to have fun, she places herself in dangerous situations ie. guys able to hit on her, flirting, rape...

Rape is dangerous, but male attention and flirting may not be activities she fears - to put it mildly.

 

i am completely within my rights to think that if she wants to have guy firends, it should be only with me or with my exact knowledge or the guy and her intentions / whearabouts.... is this too much?

I wouldn't put up with having to report my whereabouts and activities, no matter how innocent I was.

 

i was always under the impression that it is up to the other partner to diffuse any suspicions or concerns about misbehavior.

In a healthy relationship, there will be minimal or no suspicions or concerns about misbehavior. Really. I am sure you are finding this hard to believe.

 

i always take her feelings into consideration and make sure that whatever im doing would not be bothering her (placing myself in her shoes if she could see my actions)...

That's usually a good rule, but it works best if both partners have similar standards.

 

i found out that she "hooked up" with this guy over the summer (before i met her) several times... this further infuriated me and built up my case against her.

When you find yourself assembling a court docket (possibly including semen tests for her underwear like another unfortunate fellow), you should realize that this relationship is going down the toilet. Or maybe it's always been there.

 

This is not medieval Arabia. You cannot own this woman, nor have her executed for fornication. You can just find someone whose values overlap with yours, and make sure you treat her so well that she would be a fool to stray. And even then there's no guarantee.

 

Bottom line: Your girl is loosely attached to you at best, and you are trying to keep her heeling closely. Your efforts are doomed to fail. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous33]

I'm gonna put it bluntly--it sounds like you're the one with the issues man. You're obsessing over who she was with before you two even met and that's ridiculous. You're also trying to control minute aspects of her life and feel badly because she actually had some fun when you weren't around. I think the following really illustrates my point:

 

"8. i have been trying to figure out if it is my problem that i hate it when she has fun without me in general, or if it she who has messed up priorities. i feel like every time she goes out to have fun, she places herself in dangerous situations ie. guys able to hit on her, flirting, rape, and who knows what else... "

 

What exactly does she do? Guys can hit on her anywhere--at the store, gym, etc. So you expect her to lock herself up in her room so that she won't get hit on and you won't have to feel bad? You really need to reevaluate what a relationship means to you--from the sounds of it, what it means to you wouldn't fly with 95% of reasonable people.

[hardened]

It has long been my observation that 95% of people are idiots with messed up priorities :-) I'm just trying to make sure that my issues are somewhat founded on things other than my own personal insecurities. But thank you for your thoughts.

[brashgal]

Sounds to me like she isn't as invested in the relationship as you are. Maybe she will never be. Make your list of pros and cons so you can decide, should I stay or move on to find someone who wants to spend all or most of their time with me.