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Help, My ex gave me the Issues Excuse


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[font=times new roman][/font][color=blue][/color]My ex-girlfriend and I met at Olive Garden where we both worked. Unbenounced to me, I happened to move into the same apartment complex she lived in, just 2 buildings away. We started regularly hanging out. We, however both told each other that neither of us were really looking for a relationship of any kind. Then, of course one thing led to another, and we happened to be in a monogamous relationship, no more than 2 weeks later.

 

From that point until recently we had the best relationship possible. We connected on every level: Intellectually we connected, emotionally, sexually! Everything was perfect, in fact there was even consistent talk of engagement. Valentines Day was incredible, she had to work and I have to say I think I went above and beyond the call of duty; to the point that both of us were so elated, that we had tears running down our faces.

 

Then my roommate and I definitely had a falling out of sorts, and I had to move out. She offered to have me move in with her, as her roommate actually left her stranded just 2 weeks prior. So I unwillingly did. I thought everything was going fine, I started a new job, she had been at her new job for almost 3 months now. We were only living together, as opposed to living together, and working together(completely bad idea). And yet, it seemed like she gradually got more and more depressed, and with her depression, I got more and more stressed. I know I actually LOVE this girl. This girl was the complete package, and there was nothing that made me more happy, than to hear her laugh, or to see her smile. It seemed like that was the only thing that ever kept me going and happy, on my bad days. Then suddenly she woke up one morning crying saying "she can't do this anymore. She doesn't know if she can be to me, what I am to her," she says. I convinced her she was just freaking out, and she called me like an hour later while I was at work, andapologized, simply stating that she was freaking out. Then 2 days later she called me and said Its over, and I need to be out of the place by the end of the month. Woah, wait a minute, this was the day after we got done having that incredible make up sex, that relationships rely on! She told me that, she needs to deal with her issues, and she can't do it, when she is with someone, because its a distraction.

 

Can someone please explain all this to me, I wanna hear both male and female responses please. By the way, this was also the first relationship where I dated a girl older than me, though it was only by 4 months. Also could some females please help me out by telling me why every girl I ever slpet with has told me that I was the best. Is the quality of sex as important to women as I think it is to men?

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Evanescence

Ok. I think you are focusing in on the wrong issue here. Sex is not it, so forget about it having anything to do with the "issues" that she is having. Best thing for you to do is just respect her wishes. If she wants to be broken up with you, that's what she wants. You might have questions, and that's normal. If she is willing to answer them and sit and be patient and mature with you, great. But if she gets all worked up or seems like she's not listening, forget about it and try to go on about your life without the answers because you can't get them, at least right now. If you really love her, you will respect her decision. Give her complete space. Don't call her, don't visit her, don't send her letters, nothing. If she realizes that she loves you, she'll let u know, I promise. I just recently went through the same thing. I was with my ex for 5 1/2 years. We were really close to getting engaged, then all of a sudden one day he decides that he doesn't want to be with me. He said he wanted a break, 2 weeks later he said he wanted to see other ppl, and I just found out 2 weeks ago that he has another girlfriend. It took me SO long to accept everything! And i didn't take the advice that I just gave you. I called him every day the first week, begging him to come back, and asking all of these questions. Now look where I am! Single, not miserable anymore, but none the less, single (and he's not!).

 

She obviously just has something that is bothering her and she wants to work it out on her own. Whether it be a problem with you, or with herself, who knows. But you have to respect what her wishes are, as unfortuate as that is.

 

One thing i noticed is that if you take all that effort that you are willing to put into trying to make this relationship work into treating yourself good, you will feel much better and come out in a lot better shape in the end.

 

By the way, I know, this is SO MUCH easier said than done! But try your best, ok?! Good luck and take care.

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Awesome response! I really appreciate how quick and accurate it was! The fact is I've been engaged twice prior to meeting this girl, and this one is the only one that made me feel complete!

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Evanescence

Just a question. How long were you seeing these other two girls before you got engaged? And how long were you seeing this current girl?

 

The only thing I can really say is if it was meant to be, it will be. It is the hardest thing to accept I know. ButThink of how upset you were when you broke up with the last two. You got over it obviously, right?

 

There are SO many lessons to be learned from all of this. I have learned so much through this whole experience.

 

Here's something weird though. My ex called me last night and said that he has decided that it is going to be either me or this other girl that he's with (as in for good, marriage). He said he's done dating and he doesn't want to do it anymore. He told me that now that he realizes what it's like to be without me, he misses a lot of things about me. But he's really confused about what he wants to do, and he wishes he could hurry and make his mind up already. He said that if he decides to be with me, he will do everything in his power to get me back, even if I'm with someone! (he was crying when he said this too, so i know he means it). K, so this is the thing that will probably confuse you, cuz it confused me when he said it. Know how i told you to respect the space thing? Well i didn't when it happened to me (i think i mentioned that). Well i didn't at first at least. After the first 2 weeks I stopped calling him completely. But for the first week I called him a lot and told him how much he meant to me and how much i was absolutely sure that we were meant to be together. All along I thought that i was really stupid for doing that and i thought that it didn't benefit me at all. Well, i guess in my case (i'm not saying it will work in your case) it worked. He told me that all that effort i put into trying to get him back really hit home with him. It made him realize how much our relationship really meant and how stongly i felt about him, and it will affect his overall decision (only question now is will i be willing to take him back?). So, basically, all i can tell you is to trust your heart. It will tell you the right thing to do. One rule of thumb though, DON'T ACT ON IMPULSES! If you get a sudden urge to call her or something (are you still living together?) don't do it. Do something else, call a friend. Come on here and write a few posts, go to McDonalds and get some food, anything. Just don't act on an impulse because you will most likely regret it. But if you put a lot of thought into it, and you can control how you are going to act, and you feel you really want/need to call, then it's your decision. If you feel it's right, and you feel in your heart that you should do it, then do it. In my case that is what i did, but not to say it will work in your case... and i still don't know if it completley worked in my case.

 

He did say that since I've stopped calling he's started missing me and everything about me. Through our whole conversation last night he kept pointing out things that he liked about me and things that he missed. Oh well, his loss though.

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befuddled11
Originally posted by mforte69

Awesome response! I really appreciate how quick and accurate it was! The fact is I've been engaged twice prior to meeting this girl, and this one is the only one that made me feel complete!

 

Sounds like this relationship was very intense and things moved VERY quickly. I got the impression that very shortly after you began a relationship with one another, you were bothing talking about the "engagement thing."

 

Whoa!

 

And you say you've been engaged *twice* in the past.

 

Judging by the birthdate stated in your profile (which would make you about 23 or so), you're pretty young to be have been engaged twice. Maybe you rush things too quickly? And with this girl, it all was rather overwhelming?

 

I'd be curious to know how long it was, after you 2 became "an item" that you moved in with her. I get the impression that it was within a relatively short period of time. How long?

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the first girl i was engaged to I was dating for about 3 1/2 years. We kind of fell apart when I went away to school. The other girl I was engaged to persuaded me that I was the one, and she wanted notihng more than spend the rest of her life with me, I dated her for a little over a year. The final girl, the literal girl of my dreams, I dated for only 4 months, but she made me find myself! She truly changed my life, and I will always remember her. I actually do still live with her, but she has been staying at her mother's house for the past week. I am moving on Friday the 26th, finally! I actually talked to her for the first time since she left today, and all she asked me was if I was still planning on moving out tomorrow, and she needed to know because her mother is actually moving in here tomorrow, in the other bedroom! Weird Stuff!

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overseas2004

I always freak out when I am dating someone and things get really intense. In some cases I get over it and move on and in others I don't. Usually I will stay with the guy if he recognizes the fact that I am freaking out and gives me my space. If he smothers me... he is done for. Is it fair? No. Is it reasonable? No Can I stop it? No. Its just the way it is.

 

If I ever end up marrying someone it will be because the guy understands me really well and knows how to keep his cool.

 

Anyone out there like that? hehehe

 

Good luck dude... Let us know what happens. But I agree you got to just get out and move on and see what happens.

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Well I moved out last Friday, and I haven't heard from her since 11:30 that night. I dont know if I should expect to hear from her at all. I mean there are other girls in my life, or atleast trying to get into my life, and I just dont know if I should let them in or not. I have no problem meeting other people, but I dont want to meet someone, and she tries to come back into my life. I guess I just dont know what to do if I was put in that position. I wouldnt want to hurt the other girl, although I do still think I have feelings for her. She is an awesome girl!

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Evanescence

I know exactly how you feel. Its been 2 months for me and the ex is starting to call and act like he might want back (even though he is currently in another relationship). I'm actually going out with this other guy who I've been getting along really well with lately on Saturday, and it actually seems like it'll eventually progress into an actual relationship (really who knows at this point). Anyway, I really like this guy, and I'm so worried that if my ex comes back that I'll hurt this guys feelings. I don't even know how i'd respond if my ex came back. Part of me wants to say yes, but the other part of me wants to just completely let him go. I just know that if i get into a relationship with this other guy, it will ruin me if my ex comes back, and put a huge stress on my relationship with the new guy. What to do, what to do....

 

My advice (which is what others have been telling me) is to do what feels right. Nothing should really be stopping you from seeing someone else if you feel you are ready to. Best thing to do is make sure that the other girl realizes what she is getting into. You have to be completley honest with her. This guy that I might get together with knows all about what happened with me and my ex, he was there for me the whole time! If they know what they are getting into, and if it doesn't work the way they want it to in the end (i.e. by you getting back with your ex and leaving them) then all blame can not be completely put on you, because they knew what they were getting themselves into in the first place.

 

Good luck to us both!

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