bluepoppy Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Been with my partner for six years - and in that time there have been some bumpy fights. He is someone who could be best described as stubborn, I'm not stubborn myself, but perfer to call it determined. Yesterday, I hurt him, didn't mean too but he feels that I showed a lack of trust in him. I can understand why he thinks that, but at the same time he doesn't seem to realise why I didn't take his side. (I thought he was doing something dangerous, and he's angry with me as by now I should trust that he knows what he's doing) He's really angry, and is threatening to withdraw from certain parts of our life that we share (common activities that kind of thing), which would hurt him as much as it does me. It would also hurt our relationship enormously as it's largely built on the shared interests we have, and if we're not sharing those interests with each other anymore. I listened to his anger, and thought appologising would be the easiest way to keep the peace, but he didn't want to accept that. I guess he's too angry. I want to fix it, but not sure how or if I can. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Hey I think I need more info to tell you if he was justified in taking things to the level he did... but...I have a question for you: Is this how it usually works with your bf? Do you find that you're the one usually apologizing to keep the peace? It seems like a very childish way of behaving (for him to want to pull out of your common activities), and for him not to even accept your apology...but again, I don't know the full context. But if you are the one that's constantly apologizing to please him, then the dynamic you have is pretty screwed up. He's going to constantly act like a baby and you're going to constantly chase after him and grovel. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Yesterday, I hurt him, didn't mean too but he feels that I showed a lack of trust in him. I can understand why he thinks that, but at the same time he doesn't seem to realise why I didn't take his side. (I thought he was doing something dangerous, and he's angry with me as by now I should trust that he knows what he's doing) There should always be room in a relationship to respectfully voice concerns, without your partner getting defensive and angry. Is the problem that you showed lack of trust, or the way you approached him? Is the problem that he is overly defensive? Does he feel you were trying to control him? Were you? He's really angry, and is threatening to withdraw from certain parts of our life that we share (common activities that kind of thing), which would hurt him as much as it does me. It would also hurt our relationship enormously as it's largely built on the shared interests we have, and if we're not sharing those interests with each other anymore. I listened to his anger, and thought appologising would be the easiest way to keep the peace, but he didn't want to accept that. I guess he's too angry. I want to fix it, but not sure how or if I can. Right now, give him some space to calm down. After he is calm, talk again. Avoiding issues to "keep the peace" creates more problems in the long run. You two need to learn how to communicate--how to express concerns without intent to control, and how to listen to concerns without feeling controlled. Anyway, that is how my H and I fix things after fights--we keep coming back to it, after we've calmed, and continuing to try to communicate (not fight, but talk about the issues). It sometimes takes a couple tries, but we both feel much better, and much closer, when we succeed and get to the bottom of the real issues. Link to post Share on other sites
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