Emotional Unavailable Husbands

[AVR1962]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]If anyone can identify with this I would really like to hear from you. I am tired of the one-sided relationship that my husband and I have. I am also tired of his always blaming me for everything. Living with husband is like sharing my life with a brick. I did some research that I would like to share about husbands who are distant incase someone else is going thru the same. The following is just one part, the web address has been indicated if you are interested in the entire article:

 

Sexual relating is out of sync. Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.

 

For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?

 

At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing, something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands but are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.

 

The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.

 

The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time, but she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.

 

Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction: an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.

 

Both sides feel victimized. Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience, and the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.

 

The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves, protesting or cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]http://www.marriagemissions.com/the-emotionally-distant-husband/[/sIZE][/FONT]

[TigerCub]

Hey AVR,

 

I'm sorry I can't quite relate, but I found what you wrote very interesting. I'm afraid of marriage mainly because of stuff like that - I'm afraid that somehow things will change and I'd feel trapped in such a crappy life and get divorced (cuz being trapped is my biggest fear)

 

but I was wondering, in your case...has your H always been like this or is this a new thing?

[AVR1962]

TigerCub, in my case husband was always this way. He claimed that he was never popular in highschool, didn't date and knew girls didn't like him. He'd been divorced 3 years and had not dated, said he didn't have time. I thought I had found a gem, someone who wasn't on the hunt for his next piece like my first husband. He never was the letchy type, no pestering me for sex like the other guys and I thought he was a gentleman. Little by little I was seeing things that didn't make sense. I would try to hold his hand, he'd let my hand go. I would try to kiss him, he told me he couldn't kiss in public because he was military. He wasn't coming to me for intamacy yet he was pleasing himself to porn. He showed no interest in me really but we'd have great conversions on the phone, we'd have alot of fun when we'd go out. When I would ask about the lack of interest he would tell me he had never pesued women, anyone he was with had persued him. He kept telling me that he did really enjoy my company and I think he enjoyed me persuing him. After 3 years and everything just still going to no direction I finally told him it time to commit or I had to get out and go on with my life.....I had kids, he had kids and I didn't want to keep doing what we were doing. We got married. I focused on the kids, we had one of our own so I was a mom of 5 kids (all lived under our room), working part-time. We have one left at home and I am really seeing how this has all played out now that I have time to reflect and it's not a real pretty picture. I have pretty much been in an emotionally empty marriage for 18 years. I don't even know what it is like to be held or cuddled anymore. I finally gave up on persuing him, just got to feeling used after awhile. This was our only intimacy and now even that is gone. So we coexist as friends pretty much.

[TigerCub]

TigerCub, in my case husband was always this way. He claimed that he was never popular in highschool, didn't date and knew girls didn't like him. He'd been divorced 3 years and had not dated, said he didn't have time. I thought I had found a gem, someone who wasn't on the hunt for his next piece like my first husband. He never was the letchy type, no pestering me for sex like the other guys and I thought he was a gentleman. Little by little I was seeing things that didn't make sense. I would try to hold his hand, he'd let my hand go. I would try to kiss him, he told me he couldn't kiss in public because he was military. He wasn't coming to me for intamacy yet he was pleasing himself to porn. He showed no interest in me really but we'd have great conversions on the phone, we'd have alot of fun when we'd go out. When I would ask about the lack of interest he would tell me he had never pesued women, anyone he was with had persued him. He kept telling me that he did really enjoy my company and I think he enjoyed me persuing him. After 3 years and everything just still going to no direction I finally told him it time to commit or I had to get out and go on with my life.....I had kids, he had kids and I didn't want to keep doing what we were doing. We got married. I focused on the kids, we had one of our own so I was a mom of 5 kids (all lived under our room), working part-time. We have one left at home and I am really seeing how this has all played out now that I have time to reflect and it's not a real pretty picture. I have pretty much been in an emotionally empty marriage for 18 years. I don't even know what it is like to be held or cuddled anymore. I finally gave up on persuing him, just got to feeling used after awhile. This was our only intimacy and now even that is gone. So we coexist as friends pretty much.

 

Thanks for answering AVR

I'm really sorry to hear that its that bad.

Have you considered going to therapy together?

Do you think he has added stress because of the military?

I dunno, but since he's always been like this - it would be pretty safe to say, that this is how he will be. But maybe he can open up in thereapy and address these issues if he knows how important it is to you.

 

If nothing changes, do you think you're gonna stay with him regardless?

[Sparty97]

Funny I have a similar problem, but from a slightly different angle. I have a very needy wife who has a host of issues that I get to spend all sorts of time on, in fact reliving the same issues over and over again due to her anxiety issue. As a payoff we have virtually no sex life.

[AVR1962]

Sparty, would you mind explaining. You same your wife has anxieties and that she is very needy. I have female freinds who are needy but those how are look to sex as a way to be loved and accepted by their partners. Three ladies I know fit this bill and they are over the moon about sex and wanting to make themselves look sexy, trying to attract attention.

[Spark1111]

I would tell him exactly how you feel: That you want more emotional intimacy (what all women want) in your marriage.

 

You want him to talk to you and tell you what is in his heart and you want to share all that is in your heart.

 

And you want greater physical intimacy. you do not feel like a cherished wife, you feel like a roommate.

 

Have you considered marriage counseling?

[AVR1962]

Spark1111, I have said all of that and really I feel he is unmoved by it. He only blames me for not seeking him and that is part of the problem....if I don't seek him out nothing happens but he also is not real initmate and it just feels like I am meeting my own needs by going to him. He is not loving, he is just there. I actually do feel I need to go to counseling. Right now my feelings are so hard for my husband that I am not sure about couple's counseling. It is starting to confuse me and I know it might make no sense but as much as I would like/want intimacy, I don't want it from my husband. I have learned that he is all about himself and we are not close. So I do feel a little stuck.

[bigklydesdale]

I was that man you speak of and it might have cost me my marriage. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

[AVR1962]

Bigklydesdales.....do you know why you were/are this way? Is it intentional to be the master of the house, is it something you learned from your father, is it just part of your personality that you never thought was hurting anyone, and what was your reaction when your wife pointed these things out to you?

 

Yes, I feel I reached my end. I think it's over for me.