Deja vu

[East7]

So, knock, knock....xMW is back !

 

Background : Me (single) and xMW, 1.5yr long distance PA/EA ended 5 months ago. She claimed she confessed the A to her H, he forgave her (I don't think she confessed the PA part..). She really went through pain and withdrawal breaking NC a couple of times and I grieved too.

 

Fast forward now. This week surprise long e-mail with innocent "Hi, I wonder how are you, etc etc" like nothing ever happened..., I didn't answer which drove her nuts. Telephone call. I was happy to hear her voice so I was polite.

I never wanted to block her because I though we could stick with our decisions and I never contacted her again. She did though..

Since then talking on IM like 10+ times a day. She says she still loves me and wants "to save our relationship" .She takes every single little moment she has to IM me.

 

I expect you to say "Oh you're too weak dude", but the reason I let her resume communication was really to see what are her intentions/hidden agenda even if I don't trust her anymore.

 

All i'm wondering is a big WHY? Why doing this if she decided to stay married? What is she doing to her H ? They never went MC, this i know, so maybe she is seeking f'king attention-validation-admiration again. I'm really mad

[TigerCub]

I expect you to say "Oh you're too weak dude", but the reason I let her resume communication was really to see what are her intentions/hidden agenda even if I don't trust her anymore.

East, my love, you know what he intentions are, she waited a while without contact (which I am sure was hard for her, just like it was for you), but now I think she just wants to pick up where you 2 left off.

 

She thinks that enough time has passed that you calmed down with your "crazy ideas" about wanting her for yourself

 

I don't think anything changed at all, she's just hoping that enough time passed and she can get back with you to where you were.

 

I think its sad, because obviously she's still unfulfilled in her M, and she's still willing to hurt her H. She's just wasting his time, and now she thinks she can waste yours too.

 

From reading your posts, I'm not too worried about you. I don't think you will slip and fall back into all that, but I will advise you to proceed with caution, because you loved her and had a connection with her, that you still can't find with anyone else.

 

But please be careful, don't confuse humoring her to see what she wants with actually falling back into old habits.

 

All i'm wondering is a big WHY? Why doing this if she decided to stay married? What is she doing to her H ? They never went MC, this i know, so maybe she is seeking f'king attention-validation-admiration again. I'm really mad

Its making me mad too!

She doesn't care about the pain she inflicts on her H or YOU. She just wants her validation and her thrill - she's a selfish person, plain and simple

[Owl]

Why is simple.

 

She enjoyed the affair. She didn't care about the costs to her M, to her H, nor to you.

 

And she's convinced that when she reaches out to you...you'll be there.

 

She hasn't been proven wrong yet. She knows that if she reaches out enough times/in enough ways...you'll respond.

 

The affair will resume in some fashion, and probably escalate back to what it once was if she takes all the right steps.

 

She knows how to manipulate the situation and the players to get what she wants, regardless of what they've stated that they need. It works for her too...so why would you expect anything different from her?

[whichwayisup]

If you want to know what she's up to, why not just come right out and ask her what is going on? Why is she reaching out to you after all this time? What's changed at home? What does this mean now that you two have been IM'ing like 10+ times a day? Where does her husband fit into all this, her marriage..is that over or is she just wanting to have you on the side and still stay married.

 

You are going to get emotionally attached again and get hurt, even though you're mad, you've let her back into your life. For what? What are you getting out of this in the long run? All I see is more pain, frustration, heartache, confusion, that rollercoaster ride again.. And on the expense of her unsuspecting husband. or maybe she's hoping to get caught so he will be the 'bad guy' and end it, instead of it being the other way around.

 

Careful here, shield your heart.

[woinlove]

Sadly, East, I think Owl is right. She was getting something she wanted from having both you and her H. She knows you wanted more, and yet, here she is, once again, getting something she needs by living with her H and sending messages back and forth to you. She knows she hurt you, and yet she reaches out and likely thinks you can't resist and still want to fill her needs.

 

East, I know you've healed a lot and come a long way, but, please be careful. There is a saying that NC means no new hurts, and broken NC often does mean new hurts.

[lovingwhatis]

East, why play this game? You are a very insightful guy, you know very well where she's at. If she had made up her mind about leaving, she would have said so right away. She is still undecided.

 

Be kind to her and to yourself, and go NC.

 

And one more thing, you know what EA is, and sadly she can't be a person you can 'just' talk with after what the two have shared. I know, harsh but true.

 

Wishing you strength.

 

So, knock, knock....xMW is back !

 

Background : Me (single) and xMW, 1.5yr long distance PA/EA ended 5 months ago. She claimed she confessed the A to her H, he forgave her (I don't think she confessed the PA part..). She really went through pain and withdrawal breaking NC a couple of times and I grieved too.

 

Fast forward now. This week surprise long e-mail with innocent "Hi, I wonder how are you, etc etc" like nothing ever happened..., I didn't answer which drove her nuts. Telephone call. I was happy to hear her voice so I was polite.

I never wanted to block her because I though we could stick with our decisions and I never contacted her again. She did though..

Since then talking on IM like 10+ times a day. She says she still loves me and wants "to save our relationship" .She takes every single little moment she has to IM me.

 

I expect you to say "Oh you're too weak dude", but the reason I let her resume communication was really to see what are her intentions/hidden agenda even if I don't trust her anymore.

 

All i'm wondering is a big WHY? Why doing this if she decided to stay married? What is she doing to her H ? They never went MC, this i know, so maybe she is seeking f'king attention-validation-admiration again. I'm really mad

[Confused4Now]

I'm really mad

This alone already tells me you are back in emotionally. You really need to back off or you'll get hurt. Nothing has changed for this person.

[Binster]

Juat email her husband tell him the lot, you'll find out what she's thinking fast enough.

[East7]

Thank you guys, you are all saying very valuable things and I am really thankful for the kind words and the support.

 

Today I turned her down. So we are not talking anymore.

 

Yes the whole situation is ridiculous and I feel like all the good work I have done until now collapsed in a couple of days. Yes we have had real feelings for each-other and we are both being weak but one of us has to be strong and stop it. Sometimes I just want to take all the message records and send them to her H, but I don't want the dirty job.

 

I really can't believe she had her H forgiveness and now pining after me. Is that mission H achieved ! Now mission A to achieve and have us both back again to old times? Unbelievable..

 

So the answer is very simple she wants to go on with cake-eating, plain simple. The only victims here are her H and I, being played for fools.

Edited February 4, 2011 by East7

[Owl]

Glad to hear that you turned her down...and I know you're already anticipating my next question.

 

Have you blocked her now? :)

[East7]

She thinks that enough time has passed that you calmed down with your "crazy ideas" about wanting her for yourself

 

Yeah, how could I dare to ask her to be in my life . Such a crazy childish idea..

 

I don't think anything changed at all, she's just hoping that enough time passed and she can get back with you to where you were.

 

I think its sad, because obviously she's still unfulfilled in her M, and she's still willing to hurt her H. She's just wasting his time, and now she thinks she can waste yours too.

Well, some months ago she said she was happy with her H (during a NC break), now either the dust has settled and boredom is back, either she is not happy. Someone happy wouldn't look for an ex-lover.

 

From reading your posts, I'm not too worried about you. I don't think you will slip and fall back into all that, but I will advise you to proceed with caution, because you loved her and had a connection with her, that you still can't find with anyone else.

 

But please be careful, don't confuse humoring her to see what she wants with actually falling back into old habits.

 

 

Its making me mad too!

She doesn't care about the pain she inflicts on her H or YOU. She just wants her validation and her thrill - she's a selfish person, plain and simple

You are too sweet Tiger

 

Yes I head some stirred feelings the first time she contacted me but now I'm more detached, I feel very different from the person I was during the A's fog. There is no fog anymore, I was just nostalgic about the times we spent together, now the more I talk with her the more I get disappointed of the person she actually is. Sometimes, oddly, breaking NC and looking at the person from a different perspective, breaks all the lingering feelings.

[East7]

Glad to hear that you turned her down...and I know you're already anticipating my next question.

 

Have you blocked her now? :)

 

Not yet

 

She got mad at me and deleted me from IM, she told me she doesn't need to talk to me ever again. I'll let her get mad, probably she will come back "honey, I'm sorry" I know her like the back of my hand.

Hell, why it has to be so crazy... I almost feel sorry for her H...

[Owl]

Not yet

 

She got mad at me and deleted me from IM, she told me she doesn't need to talk to me ever again. I'll let her get mad, probably she will come back "honey, I'm sorry" I know her like the back of my hand.

Hell, why it has to be so crazy... I almost feel sorry for her H...

 

If you know this...why leave that door open????

 

I don't get it man.

 

You know what's gonna happen, but you don't take steps to counter/prevent it?

 

East I mean no insult by this, but if you don't take measures to prevent the contact when you know it's coming...you're just asking for the resumed contact. You're just as 'culpable' as she is for the resumed contact in that light.

 

Again...that wasn't meant as insulting...just a point blank observation my friend.

[East7]

If you know this...why leave that door open????

 

I don't get it man.

 

You know what's gonna happen, but you don't take steps to counter/prevent it?

 

East I mean no insult by this, but if you don't take measures to prevent the contact when you know it's coming...you're just asking for the resumed contact. You're just as 'culpable' as she is for the resumed contact in that light.

 

Again...that wasn't meant as insulting...just a point blank observation my friend.

 

No offense taken, really NP.

I though we respected each-other too much for blocking, but there is no other choice

 

Trying to rationalize all has happened since a couple of days, plain simple: resuming the A, nothing more, nothing less. If she can have her H and me both why would she drop the opportunity...

...that's sad for her not for me. I'm ok, the life goes on, she is the one with the void inside herself.

[TigerCub]

Yeah, how could I dare to ask her to be in my life . Such a crazy childish idea..

I know!! how dare you!! you a__hole!!!

 

Well, some months ago she said she was happy with her H (during a NC break), now either the dust has settled and boredom is back, either she is not happy. Someone happy wouldn't look for an ex-lover.

I'm willing to bet that she just told you she was happy because she wanted a reaction out of you - this woman wants your attention and she wants to be an object of obsession for you.

 

She was just trying to stir things up in you.

You are correct. No one that's really happy in their M, would look for an ex-lover.

 

I'm more detached, I feel very different from the person I was during the A's fog. There is no fog anymore, I was just nostalgic about the times we spent together, now the more I talk with her the more I get disappointed of the person she actually is. Sometimes, oddly, breaking NC and looking at the person from a different perspective, breaks all the lingering feelings.

 

I think its great that you're seeing her without the rose colored A glasses on. See her for what she really is, not what you wanted her to be. For me, that was a defining moment in being so sure in leaving the A and not looking back...these people are often not what we hoped they would be.

 

Stay strong East. I know you have come so far, and from what you wrote above, it really seems like you're not going back to that mess, but I really want you to take care and look after yourself.

 

Don't go back into the fog - or it will blind you again.

[Confused4Now]

Your MW comes back cause she has this fantasy in her mind how things would be with you. The reality is there is no reality. It's just all lies to her which keeps her in the fantasy.

 

You on the other hand stay cause of pride. You don't want to think you made the wrong choices in giving your love to this woman. Maybe that's why you still respond.

 

Real love is SELFLESS

 

So what are you clinging on to?

Remember this....Live in truth with you...You can only become reality in truth...Not lies. She lives with you in lies.

Lies are fantasy, truth is reality.

[TigerCub]

I believe these married people do use the A and A partner, to add excitement to their everyday lives, and to their M.

 

So true!!

that's why As are just something extra on the side, and very few MPs actually leave their Ms. They just use As to fill in the gaps.

[East7]

Your MW comes back cause she has this fantasy in her mind how things would be with you. The reality is there is no reality. It's just all lies to her which keeps her in the fantasy.

 

That's true she misses the imaginary parallel world where she can enjoy an imaginary relationship with me while living in her reality with her H.

Women like fantasy and emotional escape.

 

You on the other hand stay cause of pride. You don't want to think you made the wrong choices in giving your love to this woman. Maybe that's why you still respond.

 

Real love is SELFLESS

 

So what are you clinging on to?

Remember this....Live in truth with you...You can only become reality in truth...Not lies.She lives with you in lies.

Lies are fantasy, truth is reality.

 

Hmmm. I don't think it is about pride. Yes I loved this woman, I still have something for her, but I have to see this for what it is... an A. I can't have her when I want, sit on a couch with her, go out, etc etc.

When I was in the fog i can compare the feeling with people who consumed opium in China long time ago...it is a parallel reality where me and her are in another world. You keep waiting and dreaming of a future together...

When I look back, I feel sorry for myself.

[siuys]

East, I'm really happy to hear that you turned her down. Nothing's changed, and after five months she hasn't done any work either way, or learnt her lesson – not someone with integrity you'd want to be with anyway. It's good you have five months of time to heal and for fog to lift and all that. I am sure you see things the way they are now, rather than what you had wished. Be strong, East. She has shown you her character all over again, and given you nothing. Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for yourself.

[East7]

What's funny is that I'm hanging out with 2 smoking hot female friends this Saturday night and I told her....she wasn't happy

 

 

Have you noticed how controlling are the MM/MW...they give you crumbs but expect you total loyalty and exclusivity

Edited February 4, 2011 by East7

[East7]

East, I'm really happy to hear that you turned her down. Nothing's changed, and after five months she hasn't done any work either way, or learnt her lesson – not someone with integrity you'd want to be with anyway. It's good you have five months of time to heal and for fog to lift and all that. I am sure you see things the way they are now, rather than what you had wished. Be strong, East. She has shown you her character all over again, and given you nothing. Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for yourself.

 

Thanks siuys

[Owl]

What's funny is that I'm hanging out with 2 smoking hot female friends this Saturday night and I told her....she wasn't happy

 

 

Have you noticed how controlling are the MM/MW...they give you crumbs but expect you total loyalty and exclusivity

 

Careful East...next thing you know, you'll be considered a "reformed" OM, and have your sincerity and advice questioned! :)

 

Glad to hear that you're being smart and cautious, my friend!

[wheelwright]

I can think of an awful lot of reasons for xMOW to have got in touch in this way.

 

The above ones paint her quite black, but when we are assessing the motives of others we are pretty much in the dark.

 

I think your friends here on LS are helping you with dealing with the facts, but I'm not sure the paint it black musings on motive are ultimately in reality any more than an A is.

 

Unless you suspect she is a complete fantasist, or worse a psychopath?

 

Believe me, I've been there.

[Owl]

I can think of an awful lot of reasons for xMOW to have got in touch in this way.

 

The above ones paint her quite black, but when we are assessing the motives of others we are pretty much in the dark.

 

I think your friends here on LS are helping you with dealing with the facts, but I'm not sure the paint it black musings on motive are ultimately in reality any more than an A is.

 

Unless you suspect she is a complete fantasist, or worse a psychopath?

 

Believe me, I've been there.

 

I'm not so sure what's so "painted black" about simply saying that her reasons for contacting East was because she wanted to resume/continue the affair?

 

It sounds like that was pretty obvious given what he described of their interactions.

 

That doesn't mean that she's a psychopath or fantasist...but it IS a pretty good indicator that she's pretty self-centered.

[woinlove]

Yes, I also thought all the comments were along the lines that she wanted to continue the affair and/or she was doing it for herself. I don't see how she could be doing it for East's best interests, while she continues to want to stay married to someone else.