Deja vu

[BeachBetty]

So, knock, knock....xMW is back !

 

Background : Me (single) and xMW, 1.5yr long distance PA/EA ended 5 months ago. She claimed she confessed the A to her H, he forgave her (I don't think she confessed the PA part..). She really went through pain and withdrawal breaking NC a couple of times and I grieved too.

 

Fast forward now. This week surprise long e-mail with innocent "Hi, I wonder how are you, etc etc" like nothing ever happened..., I didn't answer which drove her nuts. Telephone call. I was happy to hear her voice so I was polite.

I never wanted to block her because I though we could stick with our decisions and I never contacted her again. She did though..

Since then talking on IM like 10+ times a day. She says she still loves me and wants "to save our relationship" .She takes every single little moment she has to IM me.

 

I expect you to say "Oh you're too weak dude", but the reason I let her resume communication was really to see what are her intentions/hidden agenda even if I don't trust her anymore.

 

All i'm wondering is a big WHY? Why doing this if she decided to stay married? What is she doing to her H ? They never went MC, this i know, so maybe she is seeking f'king attention-validation-admiration again. I'm really mad

 

I've read your posts and you sound like you're in the anger stage of grieving. Since you feel like that, why even wonder why? Don't IM her and move on. You're in a dark place from what I've read from your posts and I don't see this being healthy for either of you.

[East7]

I've read your posts and you sound like you're in the anger stage of grieving. Since you feel like that, why even wonder why? Don't IM her and move on. You're in a dark place from what I've read from your posts and I don't see this being healthy for either of you.

 

Oh no anger was 2 days and that was it...I'm over it, I don't care

[Spark1111]

Oh no anger was 2 days and that was it...I'm over it, I don't care

 

TRUE indifference is what we all aspire to in our healing. It is truly the last stage of acceptance and moving on with one's life without regret, sentimentality, rose-colored glasses, pain, anger, or bitterness.

[ladydesigner]

TRUE indifference is what we all aspire to in our healing. It is truly the last stage of acceptance and moving on with one's life without regret, sentimentality, rose-colored glasses, pain, anger, or bitterness.

 

So so true Spark!

 

East just wanted to say that you are doing what is best for YOU! It is good that you turned her down. Now focus on blocking, deleting, and NC. Your XMW needs to find out what is broken in herself, and it won't happen until she has hit bottom. You can focus on your healing. It sounds like you had a nice weekend with your friends, that's awesome.

 

You know I did not realize how TRULY selfish I was being in my affair relationship until I had grieved the A being over. I was a selfish MW, no doubt about that. I wish nothing but the best for every person who is hurting. Affairs suck...PERIOD! Wish I could erase time.

[2sunny]

she does this reaching out to you because she's selfish - and it feeds her ego.

 

is that enough for you? i wouldn't think you were put on the earth to feed her ego...

[East7]

So so true Spark!

 

East just wanted to say that you are doing what is best for YOU! ...../......

 

You know I did not realize how TRULY selfish I was being in my affair relationship until I had grieved the A being over. I was a selfish MW, no doubt about that. I wish nothing but the best for every person who is hurting. Affairs suck...PERIOD! Wish I could erase time.

 

Thanks LD. The thing is that no matter if there are requited feelings or not, what counts is the Result ! She might as well have genuine feelings for me, I know she does (I know her enough to say that), but that is not going anywhere.

It took me a long time to come to the realization that I would be wondering about her or us, as long as I didn't focus on "What do I want" not what she wants ! She may be ok with an plain simple A, I'm not OK with that.

And yes what she was doing was selfish, it is called cake-eating. The only answer to selfishness is selfishness !

I think the A really ends (like any relationship) when the needs are no longer met. She doesn't meet my need for a full decent relationship, I am not going to feed her need for attention/validation. I feel better with my new selfishness

[wheelwright]

Who are you to tell me that my concerns are silly ?

You know nothing about my A with my xMW.

 

Sorry!

 

I just said it because I see my own concerns about my xMOM as silly.

 

Because I know I can't ascertain his motives from this distance.

 

Because I know it's difficult when you don't know. Maybe difficult is a better word.

[wheelwright]

I'm not so sure what's so "painted black" about simply saying that her reasons for contacting East was because she wanted to resume/continue the affair?

 

It sounds like that was pretty obvious given what he described of their interactions.

 

That doesn't mean that she's a psychopath or fantasist...but it IS a pretty good indicator that she's pretty self-centered.

 

Why? What is self-centred here?

 

From what I know, which isn't a lot, she might be terribly in love and trying to find her way out of confusion.

 

Is love, even A love, really self-centred?

 

Personally, and I know little, it seems to me she loves him and doesn't want to lose contact altogether because of that.

 

Or that she is a psychopath.

 

Or somewhere between the two.

 

I honestly find the alternatives - that she is selfish or manipulative - quite frankly lacking in human optimism.

 

East - I feel this discussion seems to sideline you, but I don't mean it that way for my part. I experienced this too. And I understand the confusion you might feel. Or at least that I felt.

[East7]

MW sent me a virtual (internet) V-day card...

 

It was like 11PM, I bet she wasn't having dinner with her H.

 

Absence makes heart grow fonder...

 

I didn't answer though.

Edited February 15, 2011 by East7

[East7]

 

Is love, even A love, really self-centred?

 

Personally, and I know little, it seems to me she loves him and doesn't want to lose contact altogether because of that.

 

 

FWIW yes she loves me, I'm sure of that. We had some conversation last time.

 

The problem is that she loves me as a lover, not as future partner or husband. And I don't want to be just a lover, I have told her very clearly. She said me she would be ok if I had a wife, she will still stay my mistress, and she was very serious lol....But there is no way I'll go for cake-eating.

Edited February 15, 2011 by East7

[findingnemo]

MW sent me a virtual (internet) V-day card...

 

It was like 11PM, I bet she wasn't having dinner with her H.

 

Absence makes heart grow fonder...

 

I didn't answer though.

 

MW seems to be going through hell, East. But you know what? That's okay. That is actually good for her. Maybe she will be forced to deal with the reality of her M.

 

Keep NC going!!!

[Owl]

East...why is she still able to reach out to you like this?

 

You know what her "goal" is, and you know how it differs from yours.

 

Why are you still leaving this avenue of approach open, my friend?

[East7]

East...why is she still able to reach out to you like this?

 

You know what her "goal" is, and you know how it differs from yours.

 

Why are you still leaving this avenue of approach open, my friend?

 

Hi Owl,

 

she has my e-mail and I'm ok with that. She can reach me out if she wants, the problem is not the bridge, the problem is that we are clear about each-other expectations and we don't meet our respective needs. The boundaries/conditions are clear. I'm much stronger than I was during the A. No compromises ! She can reach me out a zillion times, she will have the same answer.

 

The tables have turned. She is becoming my ego-burst, not me to her. I hope she will realize that doing so she will never have a happy M and I'm better out of the picture.

[TigerCub]

Hi Owl,

 

she has my e-mail and I'm ok with that. She can reach me out if she wants, the problem is not the bridge, the problem is that we are clear about each-other expectations and we don't meet our respective needs. The boundaries/conditions are clear. I'm much stronger than I was during the A. No compromises ! She can reach me out a zillion times, she will have the same answer.

 

The tables have turned. She is becoming my ego-burst, not me to her. I hope she will realize that doing so she will never have a happy M and I'm better out of the picture.

 

I gotta admit that it must be sweet to have the tables turn.

 

Just be careful. I know you're stronger than when you were in the A - but never underestimate a woman haha!

 

honestly, just be careful. She knows what you're looking for with her - if the moment comes and she starts promising you all that crap - I hope that you wont quickly buy into the fantasy these people sell.

[Gotti25]

Your still hanging on to that xMW lol!!

[East7]

Your still hanging on to that xMW lol!!

 

Why? do you want to be the next MW..? We can meet in march

[Gotti25]

Only if your soo hot!! I am in between two guys now 1 won't talk to at all pissed off like hell the other one doesn't care they are both pretty boys!! Lol no I don't want to be the MW I am happy I don't get depressive crazy like these peeps on LS hahahaha !!!

[East7]

Only if your soo hot!! I am in between two guys now 1 won't talk to at all pissed off like hell the other one doesn't care they are both pretty boys!! Lol no I don't want to be the MW I am happy I don't get depressive crazy like these peeps on LS hahahaha !!!

 

Yeah, 2 guys, neither of them really cares! you know that...anyway, if you don't want to be next MW then bring some hot GFs when you come in Netherlands...but then don't be jealous

[Gotti25]

Hahah noo hot gfs here my best friends are mostly guys!! I don't get along with girls lol!!

[mbm69]

FWIW, I completely understand why you can't completely cut ties with xMW (ie blocking her). I would be incapable of blocking someone, unless the person is a psychopath

[ladydesigner]

East why not block just so that you can move on and forget? You sound great and you are strong, but the fact that you are thinking of her because she emailed, I'm not sure if that is a good thing. Why give the thought of her any power at all?

 

My XOM would have been happy to go on being friends forever. I was tired of giving him power because the continued contact kept me thinking of him. It was best for me to finally seal the deal and make sure I burned that bridge. I did and I have never heard from him again. At times I feel bad and I didn't do it in a rude way, just your standard NC letter, but I don't think he saw it coming. The only time I seem to give my XOM any thought is when I am here on LS.

[ver13]

So, knock, knock....xMW is back !

 

Background : Me (single) and xMW, 1.5yr long distance PA/EA ended 5 months ago. She claimed she confessed the A to her H, he forgave her (I don't think she confessed the PA part..). She really went through pain and withdrawal breaking NC a couple of times and I grieved too.

 

Fast forward now. This week surprise long e-mail with innocent "Hi, I wonder how are you, etc etc" like nothing ever happened..., I didn't answer which drove her nuts. Telephone call. I was happy to hear her voice so I was polite.

I never wanted to block her because I though we could stick with our decisions and I never contacted her again. She did though..

Since then talking on IM like 10+ times a day. She says she still loves me and wants "to save our relationship" .She takes every single little moment she has to IM me.

 

I expect you to say "Oh you're too weak dude", but the reason I let her resume communication was really to see what are her intentions/hidden agenda even if I don't trust her anymore.

 

All i'm wondering is a big WHY? Why doing this if she decided to stay married? What is she doing to her H ? They never went MC, this i know, so maybe she is seeking f'king attention-validation-admiration again. I'm really mad

Unless she has contacted you to tell you that she is using her maiden name now what do you have to talk about.

[Confused4Now]

Hi Owl,

 

she has my e-mail and I'm ok with that. She can reach me out if she wants, the problem is not the bridge, the problem is that we are clear about each-other expectations and we don't meet our respective needs. The boundaries/conditions are clear. I'm much stronger than I was during the A. No compromises ! She can reach me out a zillion times, she will have the same answer.

The tables have turned. She is becoming my ego-burst, not me to her. I hope she will realize that doing so she will never have a happy M and I'm better out of the picture.

I get this cause I've done this myself. I do get you got the power now and you can maintain your boundaries. So why are holding out for someone when you can make yourself available for someone so much better?

 

I think you are just filling her emotional needs now since she can't have you physically. I say let her figure out what she wants and step away. Let her end her marriage not cause she wants to be with you but cause she doesn't want to be with her H.