My husband never loved me

[smile75058]

I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't normally ask the general public things like this because who knows who you are asking right? but. . .. here we go. . . . . last night out of the blue my husband of four years and father of my 3month old daughter says he never was in love with me. Never had passion for me. Then he has me read this long letter about how he loves me but is only with me because he feels obligated to and guilty. That he has sex purely out of lust and so I don't get upset. This came completely out of the blue. I've been feeling like somethings been wrong for a while, but whenever I broched the topic with him he said everything was fine. We've been fine for a while now. I even thought we were happy. Now he's not sure if he wants to be with me or if he wants a divorce. Here's the catch. . . . I am/was passionately in love with him. . .. like an idiot. . . . I'm only 23. I am a stay at home mom so that means I don't have any money. I JUST had his child. . . . I didn't even want children I did it because he wanted a baby and I love him. I've given up EVERYTHING for this man and litterally have NOTHING to fall back on. If it comes to divorce I won't be able to get custody (I looked into it) because I don't have a means to take care of myself let alone her. I don't have a car because he thought it would be best to save money for the baby by selling my car. I have 20grand in student loans. I'm not willing to give up my child. I'm still in love with him(again, like an idiot). . . my heart is entirely broken and I wish I was dead (but I won't do that). . . . the thing is I don't know what to do. I don't have ANY family (parents etc) and I lost all my friends. He says he's known for over 2 years and couldn't lie anymore. I feel like Romeo whose Juliet just told him she was just kidding and didn't love him afterall. Any suggestions.

[30Years]

You are married, so you BOTH own a car, maybe only one, but you both own it. And in my opinion, you BOTH own 20 grand in student loans.

 

If divorce is imminent, I think you need to seek employment as quickly as possible and legal representation as well.

 

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I wish you the best.

[2sure]

He may be depressed, he may be frustrated, he may be out of his mind, or he may be sincere.

 

Regardless of the cause of his announcement or your feelings for your husband - to protect yourself and your child and possibly your marriage as well - you must become more independent. If you have 20grand in student loans - you have an education and are employable.

 

You say that you looked into custody but it doesnt sound as though you spoke you to an attorney. Custody award is not that cut and dry and young children are RARELY taken from the mother based on finances alone.

That alone will come into legal consideration . If the only reason you cannot work is because you dont have a car - the courts may award you his or he will you owe you the money to get one.

 

Does your H want custody? Does he realize what his child support, health insurance and other financial obligations will be?

[Lucky_One]

I would bet serious money that he is having an affair. Many guys start affairs when their wives are pregnant, and many men re-write marital history to reflect a history that doesn't make them feel so guilty for cheating.

 

Is there any behavior that would make you feel that he is seeing someone else? At work, social activities, friends? Does he act funny about his cell phone? Do you get that bill? Has he started trying to buff up or lose weight or take better care of himself? Doing things differently in bed?

[PhoenixRise]

Smile

 

I say this not to further hurt or upset you but because I think you need to consider it:

 

It is entirely possible that your H is having an affair. If he has come home out of the blue and announced that he NEVER loved you then it is possible that he is comparing the Highs of an affair to the everyday life of a marriage. AND people who are in affairs often say they never loved their spouse, it is part of rewriting the marital history to justify the affair.

 

This may not be the case with your husband. But I would bet that if you look deeper you will find that there is more going on here than what you know.

 

Protect yourself.

 

See an attorney to find out what your rights are in the case of a divorce. It doesn't mean that you absolutely WILL divorce but knowledge is power and you need to know where you stand legally and financially, and regarding custody if it comes down to that. Maybe with child support and alimony you could support yourself while you find work or improve your skills to make yourself more employable.

 

Do you have someone (family-friends) who can help you with childcare while you work?

[30Years]

Whether or not he is (or was) having an affair is a moot point. We could just as well speculate that he is gay. Since he is saying that he doesn't love you, all the speculations in the world are immaterial. You can't make him love you.

 

I think you should spare yourself the misery of searching for causes, this has to be difficult enough already, and decide for yourself if YOU want to stay married. From the little bit of information you have provided, I don't see any reason for you to do so. Nevertheless, you need to stay married until you are on your feet. Definitely do that!

 

It will be tough for a while, but things will get better. Know that much: things will get better.

[CALOVELY]

I have no idea where you live but here in the States, there is a Legal Aid office in nearly every major city. These are lawyers who volunteer their time to help out those who cannot afford an attorney for civil matters. It is totally free and you will get some fantastic insight as to your rights and what you should do.

I agree with the other poster that if you have student loan debts, that means you have some college education. I don't care if you answer phones or work as a file clerk, you need to get employed, fast!

It sounds to me like he is already setting this all up. I never loved you, I only stayed out of obligation and no doubt he will say having your daughter was your idea. It sounds like he is trying to take the fast track out of responsibility. Do NOT allow that to happen. Protect your rights and visit (if you live in the States) with the great lawyers who volunteer there. The vast majority of their cases are women with children. They can help you.

 

I wanted to add one more thing, Legal Aid can also tell you about the various programs out there that can financially assist you with daycare, bills, etc. Right now this is all so overwhelming...I know that. You don't have much to fall back on but that is what these programs were designed for. You are not alone in this, there are good people out there who can help you to stand on your own. Call them, for you and your daughters sake. I know you love him, that part is hard to ignore. He already told you his feelings, right or wrong. You have a newborn to think of and frankly he doesn't seem to be thinking of her so you need to make certain YOU do.

 

Oh, and I give your husband a virtual kick in his nads for what he has done. Steel toe = meet nads. And a giant hug to you!!!

Edited February 5, 2011 by CALOVELY

[robf1971]

He says he's known for over 2 years and couldn't lie anymore. .

 

Classic Walk away spouse history rewrite. It's a script, my wife did it, it's almost like there is a website for unhappy partners who want out.

 

In most situations, they have met someone else and are either having an emotional or physical affair. I will stress in my case It wasn't, however you need to find this out before you have ANY chance of saving this marriage.

 

You need to get proof. Do you have access to his cellphone records, has their been a sudeen increse in his texting. Is he closely guarding his phone. Get a keylogger onto his computer. If he is in an affair, you need to bust it. You need to be tough for this though.

 

If there is no affair then it makes life easier. I've turned my situation around from a total walk away into us both in counselling working hard on our marriage. It can be done!! But you must find out if there is someone else there before we can help you.

[hopesndreams]

I would bet serious money that he is having an affair. Many guys start affairs when their wives are pregnant, and many men re-write marital history to reflect a history that doesn't make them feel so guilty for cheating.

 

Is there any behavior that would make you feel that he is seeing someone else? At work, social activities, friends? Does he act funny about his cell phone? Do you get that bill? Has he started trying to buff up or lose weight or take better care of himself? Doing things differently in bed?

 

I would bet serious money too! I am 100% agreement with this post.

 

OP, if it comes to divorce and you've been a stay at home mum, makes no difference on the custody issue. Your child will not be taken from you. Your H will have to pay child/spousal support. Don't worry so much about the financials at this time.

 

Investigate. Find out if he is having an A. If he wants to file, let him. Don't cry, beg or plead your case.

 

Do the 180. Here it is. It is the ONLY thing that could bring him back and if it doesn't? It puts you on the right road to living life without him, if need be.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[skywriter]

Smile,

 

I am so sorry for the pain that you're going through.

 

I say, you need to pull any resources towards you for focus and strength. This could be in the form of a friend, family member, whomever.

 

The moreminds the better. It's time to get strong and do what you need for yourself and your baby.

 

I've been where you are now. I had two kids, and if I can survive it, anyone can.

 

In my mind, my ex_H was "dead". In a sense, this was true.

 

Anyway, you just have to train your mind to be in survivor mode. Do whatever is necessary to do right by the most important one now. Your baby.

 

You can do this, believe it.

[Rose1977]

I am sorry I don't have any advice or words of wisdom for you except that I do think you have more legal rights than you think you do. If you have to work two jobs paying for daycare, etc... you will do it. Because we are women, we are mothers, it's what we do for our child.

 

I am literally crying after reading your post because I cannot imagine the heartache you are feeling. I am so sorry and I wish I had some better advice. I feel so helpless on this one.