Through the Separation Jungle

[Yasuandio]

hahaha! oh man, I honestly DID think "Paul McCartney" when I read it the first time!!

Great minds think alike, Yas.

And in answer to the question: Paul McCartney would probably pick himself up and keep movin'. That's what he did after breaking up with Heather Mills.

 

He left that bitch standing on her own one foot, and she was a bit testy about it. When I saw (scratch saw) heard her sweatchy neurotic non-stop mouth running on CNN's Larry King, I thought I was having a brain hemorage. Poor dude. We all know what he was going for, but there are some things that cannot be replaced.

 

Your answer is correct. Pick yourself up and keep moving. I cannot imaging any woman turning down a love poem from any man. I've never recieved one, and if I did, I would still have it, no matter who sent it, I would still honor and value the emotion and artistry the person put to paper. Even if I have to let them down, they are going to know I will always treasure their words.

 

Anything negative would be cruel, in my opinion.

Edited April 18, 2011 by Yasuandio

[worldgonewrong]

Yas - you hit the nail on the head. I've kept coming back and eating a big cold bowl of meanness. So I have only myself to blame if I keep doing it. As of now: NO MORE.

I really turned a corner when I woke up this morning, truly.

 

p.s. I chucked my pack o' cigs. Had 3 smokes in the past 24 hours and figured I had let this little experiment run its course. It's not that I dislike smoking so much (not at all!) but I loathe the extent to which I have to go to mask the smell from others.

[Craig2425]

Man we are so in the same place right now it's not even funny.

Stbxw got a new job and I almost sent her flowers to her work to congratulate her. Boy am I half I didn't. It seems we know what were doing isn't working but we keep doing it in hopes that we will knock some sense into them all the while they don't care and it pushes them further away from us.

Goodluck and stay strong(trust me i know it's easier said then done).

[worldgonewrong]

Craig - backatcha, brother. Thanks for identifying.

 

Here comes the tricky part - wife's birthday is next month. And mother's day. I know I'll send a mother's day card or whatever. But what's the separation-etiquette for birthdays? If you ignore, you look like a complete dick. Maybe just a card for that too.

[trippi1432]

As requested WGW - and for the record, I agree with Yas on the flowers and poetry...even with everything in flux...the sentiment should have been appreciated. Even I would have caved....me=softy...lol!! =)

 

Originally Posted by trippi1432

Hang in there and cut yourself some slack...Do our ex's drive us mad sometimes, YES!! I think because we try to apply logic to their actions when there is no logic. We look for answers or the truth because they will not give it to us and they tend to lay blame at our feet to knock us off-balance leading us to this state of mind. It's when we realize that there is absolutely nothing we can do about them, only ourselves that we finally break through to the other side of indifference and acceptance with internal introspection and push on with our lives and let go...even let go with love because at some point in our lives, we did love them and that's okay too. You will get there, it just takes time. It does get better.

[Craig2425]

Craig - backatcha, brother. Thanks for identifying.

 

Here comes the tricky part - wife's birthday is next month. And mother's day. I know I'll send a mother's day card or whatever. But what's the separation-etiquette for birthdays? If you ignore, you look like a complete dick. Maybe just a card for that too.

 

Sorry as I have not read your thread(too much issues myself you know?)

Do you have kids? How old? My kid is too young to get a card by herself so I will get a card from my daughter that way I'll not look like a di-k but still not be completely from me. I would do the same for the b-day

[worldgonewrong]

Craig:

Mine are 7 and 11 yrs old.

 

Oh by birthday cards - I meant, do you give one to your separated spouse or not?

 

*

 

Trippi: thank you! you rule! <3

[Craig2425]

That's a tough one. I'll be divorced by the end of next month so I won't have to worry about her birthday then. Um.. I'd say no. You have tried and send flower and a poem and that stuff didn't work so let her be alone.

I'd wait to see what someone else says tho

To make sure because I could be way off.

I've done a lot of the same things you've done and If they want Space and not be with us then we need to let them have what they want.

My stbxw told me the other day that I'm selfish and only care how I'm feeling right now. I don't care how she feels and that I'm stressing her out with wanting to try.

So I say if they want to be alone or with someone else that means on birthdays too.

[marqueemoon4]

That's a tough one. I'll be divorced by the end of next month so I won't have to worry about her birthday then. Um.. I'd say no. You have tried and send flower and a poem and that stuff didn't work so let her be alone.

I'd wait to see what someone else says tho

To make sure because I could be way off.

I've done a lot of the same things you've done and If they want Space and not be with us then we need to let them have what they want.

My stbxw told me the other day that I'm selfish and only care how I'm feeling right now. I don't care how she feels and that I'm stressing her out with wanting to try.

So I say if they want to be alone or with someone else that means on birthdays too.

 

Craig, wgw what states are you in? I'm in VA, standard 1yr waiting period if you have kidz.

[Craig2425]

Ca. We agreed on everything so only 6months here. Gone by pretty fast too.

[worldgonewrong]

I pm'd you, mm4. (call me paranoid, but I feel safer sending you that info off-forum.)

[Yasuandio]

Yas wants to know too! (he/she/it's not a stalker). Atlanta.

[Yasuandio]

Craig - backatcha, brother. Thanks for identifying.

 

Here comes the tricky part - wife's birthday is next month. And mother's day. I know I'll send a mother's day card or whatever. But what's the separation-etiquette for birthdays? If you ignore, you look like a complete dick. Maybe just a card for that too.

 

There is nothing tricky at all. Let me splain, nice and simple. If you send anything (that means anything, card, text, e-mail, phone call), the next day you will not only look like a dick, you'll feel as if she mashed her stellottos into it as well. Don't do it man. Dude, don't go back for more. Avoid masochism.

 

You gotta pm to Janedoe35. Trust me on this. Tell her I sent you, and I don't have technology - only iPhone.

[worldgonewrong]

Yas - advice taken and being processed.

If I knock on Janedoe35's door, then what?

[marqueemoon4]

There is nothing tricky at all. Let me splain, nice and simple. If you send anything (that means anything, card, text, e-mail, phone call), the next day you will not only look like a dick, you'll feel as if she mashed her stellottos into it as well. Don't do it man. Dude, don't go back for more. Avoid masochism.

 

You gotta pm to Janedoe35. Trust me on this. Tell her I sent you, and I don't have technology - only iPhone.

 

omfg mothers day! meh, probably nothing will happen. last time we had dinner together as a family was Fathers Day last year. If memory serves I was pretty calm and not pushy at all, but still couldn't get anything out of her. honestly, she hasn't given me ANYTHING emotionally/physically/financially since sometime in 2009. And I'm still not over her.

 

events she's ignored since we've been separated:

 

what would've been our 3yr anniv (Sept 22nd)

her bday (Oct 9, I wished her happy bday anyway)

Thanksgiving

Christmas

our sons 4th bday (Jan 8th)

Valentines Day

my bday (Feb 19th) got a robotic "happy bday" from her a few days after the fact

Edited April 18, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[worldgonewrong]

MM4: ~sigh~ yep, your history - as example - gives me more incentive to scale back in my own situation, as much as that pains me to say.

[Yasuandio]

Let me give you an example of Homer wisdom. Take the text or flower incident, WGW. The advice is plain and simple.

 

Homer: "Does it hurt when you do that?"

 

WGW: "Yes."

 

Homer: "Then stop doing it."

 

 

Pretty much what your Doctor would tell you if you kept ripping off a scab on a wound. You feel me soldier?

Edited April 18, 2011 by Yasuandio

[debtman]

My stbx's birthday was always a BIG event for her and she always made me commit to spending the entire day with her except for one time when she gave me a "pass" to go kayaking with some friends, which, of course, blew up in my face later. Of course, my birthday was always an afterthought and I never expected/asked anything from her.

 

Anyway, I'll make sure the kids make her cards for Mother's Day and her birthday, but she won't get anything from me. Possibly not even recognition if I see/talk to her those days. She's not my mother and I don't see any reason to "celebrate" her birthday. Hopefully OM will take care of that for her.

 

And wgw, I started smoking again for the first 3 months after she told me it was over. Easy to justify. Finally gave it up (again) when I started exercising and focusing on the 180...just didn't fit with who I want to be...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[worldgonewrong]

Debtman - thanks for the perspective. Yeah, I think the b-day and mother's day cards are out, now that I think of it.

 

Yas - big news flash: I just emailed her a very Homer McDonald-esque letter. It even shocked me that I had the capacity to do it. I utilized the "The 3 Sentences", re-worded of course. I feel scared and yet free as a burden has lifted off my shoulders and been placed on hers now.

[russell1968]

Debtman - thanks for the perspective. Yeah, I think the b-day and mother's day cards are out, now that I think of it.

 

Yas - big news flash: I just emailed her a very Homer McDonald-esque letter. It even shocked me that I had the capacity to do it. I utilized the "The 3 Sentences", re-worded of course. I feel scared and yet free as a burden has lifted off my shoulders and been placed on hers now.

 

 

Jack, what is this letter? can you pm me it??

[marqueemoon4]

Debtman - thanks for the perspective. Yeah, I think the b-day and mother's day cards are out, now that I think of it.

 

Yas - big news flash: I just emailed her a very Homer McDonald-esque letter. It even shocked me that I had the capacity to do it. I utilized the "The 3 Sentences", re-worded of course. I feel scared and yet free as a burden has lifted off my shoulders and been placed on hers now.

 

can you give us an idea on what your wrote? just curious. congrats btw

[worldgonewrong]

Here's the gist:

I've told her that I'd really like the marriage/family to be reconciled, but I've come to agree with her that it's not going to be repaired.

The burden is back on HER, rather than ME being a total spastic chimp professing undying love and repelling her further.

It will either knock her out of the blue, or she'll take it in her stride. Either way, I feel like I've exerted some HUGE control over this situation by putting it back in her lap finally. In other words, I fought like a motherf*cker for the best possible situation to happen, and it only made things worse. Now I declare I'm no longer struggling and put it on her to struggle (or not).

[marqueemoon4]

Here's the gist:

I've told her that I'd really like the marriage/family to be reconciled, but I've come to agree with her that it's not going to be repaired.

The burden is back on HER, rather than ME being a total spastic chimp professing undying love and repelling her further.

It will either knock her out of the blue, or she'll take it in her stride. Either way, I feel like I've exerted some HUGE control over this situation by putting it back in her lap finally. In other words, I fought like a motherf*cker for the best possible situation to happen, and it only made things worse. Now I declare I'm no longer struggling and put it on her to struggle (or not).

 

hm, doesn't that kinda go against the idea of the 180? just sayin.

[worldgonewrong]

hm, doesn't that kinda go against the idea of the 180? just sayin.

 

Yes, it does.

But it also puts a fine cap on things, allowing you to then go ahead with 180 knowing that YOU have said the final word so far. It's a point of no-return. And SHE has to deal with it.

I'm effectively saying, "I hereby remove the yoke of worrying-about-us and place it on you." Because she hasn't been thinking about us; I've been doing all the hard work for 3+ months.

[marqueemoon4]

Yes, it does.

But it also puts a fine cap on things, allowing you to then go ahead with 180 knowing that YOU have said the final word so far. It's a point of no-return. And SHE has to deal with it.

I'm effectively saying, "I hereby remove the yoke of worrying-about-us and place it on you." Because she hasn't been thinking about us; I've been doing all the hard work for 3+ months.

 

 

yea, its pretty much a cakewalk for women it seems... while its hell for men who actually care. Obviously this isn't always the case, but I know my ex just LOVES the way things are now while I've been in purgatory for almost a year.

 

unfortunately the ball has been in her court the whole time.. I'm not sure this email is going to change anything but if it makes you feel better then thats worth it.