Author worldgonewrong Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 update or non-update depending on how you look at it: Tomorrow will be a week since I sent my 'white flag' email. In that interim, no reply about it. And YET, I am noticing very subtle signs of softening communication-wise. I intend to keep in my LC mode - no choice, really. She knows I love her, white flag or not. She can make the first move, if ever. But I'm wondering if this sort of 'white flag' thing can have the capacity to work to my advantage...hmmm. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Hold steady WGW. I wish you the best as always. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 you keep doing this the right way and you'll be rewarded... somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 (edited) WGW, review the 3 possible responses to last resort in DB, and how to handle: 1. Nothing 2. Curiousity 3. They come crawling back (rare) My man, you cannot expect anything. If your white flag stimulates anything, it's gravy, a perhaps a knee jerk or sudden fear reaction. In a way, what you did is kind of an ultimatum, disguised, softened. Such a thing would scare the bejeebies out of me if I were "taking time to myself to regroup" or whatever she's doing. Don't do anything now. See what others say. Yes, there are choices. You can make the kitchen hotter (serve her). You could back down. Or you could do something different (date, or we can help you come up with something else). Edited April 25, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted April 28, 2011 Author Share Posted April 28, 2011 Interesting (non)update of sorts: last night I fell asleep listening to the ballgame on the radio. A little after 11 p.m., I was roused from a deep sleep as my cell had been ringing (the ringtone blends in with the radio, so I wasn't quick to awaken). When I gathered my wits, I saw that it was a "Missed Call" from the wife. No message. Hmmm. I did not bother to call back. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 I did not bother to call back. Good on you mate, divorce busting 101 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Good on you mate, divorce busting 101 Bravo man! Don't pick up. Anything she's got to say can be written so you and US can consider how to respond. Don't get your hopes up. It might not necessarily be good. If it is, you CANNOT jump on it. This next step is a delicate chess move. I'll be reading up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted April 28, 2011 Author Share Posted April 28, 2011 Thanks, Rob & Yas. And believe me, Yas, my hopes are NOT up. Hell, for all I know, she might've dialed me by accident. It felt good to roll over back to sleep, rather than go into my usual jack-rabbit mode. (If it had been an emergency, she would've called back.) Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 If it had been an emergency, she would've called back. That's RIGHT! Or, she would have left a message. When I first started LC/NC, I would check her messages immediately...now, if I have the kids, I check when it's convenient and, if I don't have the kids, I check to see if it directly concerns them. If it doesn't, I let it go until the next drop-off/pick-up. Good luck and keep posting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 An LS Emergency (sirens ringing): OK, so we were having an email exchange about the kids's weekends in May. She informed me that she's visiting out-of-state with our daughter on a particular weekend; we agreed this would be great since it would afford me some alone time with our son. I suggested that I stay over at the house, since it's easier. My gut instinct told me not to check for her reply after, but I did (ah well, it would've soured me tonight or tomorrow). She wrote back that (paraphrase) it's not a good idea to stay there as it sends the wrong message to our son because we are not getting back together. Her words, bold. This is on the heels of me saying I'd thrown in the towel before, which she had not responded to. She asked me if it would be better if she took both kids then for that weekend. I... what the f**k? Deep breaths. I have to reply. But now I'm rattled. REALLY rattled. I want to tell her to refer back to my email of 9 days ago in which I said I agreed we're through and that yes, he and I can sleep elsewhere. Good God. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 p.s. I feel like she's calling my bluff. Why else state that? I want to write back, "Yes, I know. I'm in complete agreement that we are not getting back together. See my email of April __. And yes, he and I will sleep at my parents'." Grrr. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 p.p.s. I've resolved not to reply tonight, as she would probably expect me to react immediately. I'll let her sleep with her own words tonight, let them roll around in her head and let her ponder my non-response for a bit. But please, gang, give me your input. I will respond tomorrow, as of course I want to hang w/my son for the weekend alone. But I really desperately appreciate your thoughts. I feel like she's trying to get a rise out of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Don't do anything. Let me finish reading this. Pm me if you need to. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 p.s. I feel like she's calling my bluff. Why else state that? I want to write back, "Yes, I know. I'm in complete agreement that we are not getting back together. See my email of April __. And yes, he and I will sleep at my parents'." Grrr. WGW these are really fast responses in no order of importance. Just as my mind captures them. "Yes, I know, please see (blah, blah my evidence proving that I stated the Marriage was over first......) Na, na,nah,nah,nah. WRONG. Totally defensive. Dude, you are not going to beg on your knees just to get kitty whipped again, are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 An LS Emergency (sirens ringing): OK, so we were having an email exchange about the kids's weekends in May. She informed me that she's visiting out-of-state with our daughter on a particular weekend; we agreed this would be great since it would afford me some alone time with our son. I suggested that I stay over at the house, since it's easier. My gut instinct told me not to check for her reply after, but I did (ah well, it would've soured me tonight or tomorrow). She wrote back that (paraphrase) it's not a good idea to stay there as it sends the wrong message to our son because we are not getting back together. Her words, bold. This is on the heels of me saying I'd thrown in the towel before, which she had not responded to. She asked me if it would be better if she took both kids then for that weekend. I... what the f**k? Deep breaths. I have to reply. But now I'm rattled. REALLY rattled. I want to tell her to refer back to my email of 9 days ago in which I said I agreed we're through and that yes, he and I can sleep elsewhere. Good God. I know this is going to hurt dude. But I have to call it like I see it. She's right. You being in the house DOES send a confusing message to your son. I really think you knew this, based on the "having dinner at the house" economic issue. Here's what I think happened. She porposely provoked you with the email. You, subconsciously want to test the waters on the three sentence email. You just couldn't wait. You're only human. Back off fast, not to late to back pedal. Like Michelle says, now you gotta act "as if" (oh, yeah, you are right! I just wasn't thinking!) Dude she's just waiting for u to break down in tears screaming WTF my plan didn't work. So now you are going to 180 your 180. You get me? More in a few minutes. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 An LS Emergency (sirens ringing): OK, so we were having an email exchange about the kids's weekends in May. She informed me that she's visiting out-of-state with our daughter on a particular weekend; we agreed this would be great since it would afford me some alone time with our son. I suggested that I stay over at the house, since it's easier. (((((((Yeah Right. Really Sad. No Problem, if it's fixable, we will fix it. If your marriage is salvagable -- this one mistake isn't gonna sink the ship.)))))) My gut instinct told me not to check for her reply ((((((Because......you needed to see the effect of your suggestion)))))) after, but I did (ah well, it would've soured me tonight or tomorrow). She wrote back that (paraphrase) it's not a good idea to stay there as it sends the wrong message to our son because we are not getting back together. Her words, bold. This is on the heels of me saying I'd thrown in the towel before, which she had not responded to. She asked me if it would be better if she took both kids then for that weekend. I... what the f**k? Deep breaths. I have to reply. (((((Dude, can you handle this one? Please feel free to copy the exact essence of the email onto LS, and I will configure your response if you wish. It's gonna be something like, "Darn, what was I thinking! Of course, you are right! Can you help figure out an alternative plan? Thanks Babe -- Gag.))))))) But now I'm rattled. REALLY rattled. ((((That's what she was going for! You rattled her, now she is getting even, in BOLD. Touché!)))))))) I want to tell her to refer back to my email of 9 days ago in which I said I agreed we're through and that yes, he and I can sleep elsewhere. Good God. ((((((Asked and answered)))))) Everything I'm responding to in parenthesis refers to what just preceeds said. Can't work the system under pressure! Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 WE ARE NOT GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER IN BOLD What Does This Really Mean? 1. She feels she needs to emphasize a certain point. 2. I hardly imagine you posed a question that would require such a specifically off-topic, and "rub-salt-in-the-wound" response. Therefore, she seemed to NEED to offer this response for some other reason (like stick'in to ya). Would that be a fair assumption? Examples of alternate responses: WGW: Cool, then I can come over to the house and be with our son! Alternate Response A) I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. Alternate Response B) Well, let's think about that. Alternate Response C) Let's see how son responds to ideas like after the divorce in final. Alternate Response D) You know that boy just loves being at your house too! Get me? 3. Sometimes people feel better when they have the last word. You know what I mean? 4. I think she dost protest too much. 5. Why can't the woman just stick to business? Business is business. That's the way I would play this. If she brings it up, you can always respond, "would you mind to stick to the business at hand?". But, then again, that's defensive. Let's wait till tomorrow. Ok? If your still up, let me know you are ok. I'm gonna look back for any other posts. Y Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Its the best this over educated dyslexic can do in an emergency WGW (please either excuse OR try to enjoy the sarcasm, it's just my nature, and I didn't edit anything cause I figure you get me by now. Praying for ya, Y Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 Thanks for all the thoughts/ideas. I think I'm going to keep it plain and neutral in my reply, like so: "I agree. He and I can hang at my folks'." Period. Nothing stuns more than agreement when one is expecting disagreement or tears/fuss in response. What do you think?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 oh p.s. just to clarify, Yas: I put her words in bold here; she did not put the words in bold in her email. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 you're doing great man... you're making it so much harder on her by being calm and rational. i wish i had your discipline. keep it up!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 (edited) MM4: thanks, bro! :-) Update: Just emailed her back. Kept it easy, breezy. excerpt - "Y'know, I realize I wasn't thinking clearly when I proposed that. You're right and I agree with you. No worries - He can of course crash with me at my folks' and still have a good time. I look forward to it!! :-)" I actually feel damned GOOD now. aaaah. I'm learning, bit by bit, the sagacity of taking the high road. Just nodding, agreeing, and smiling. It certainly takes the wind out of her sails by reminding me we're not getting back together and I respond in the opposite expected way. Edited April 29, 2011 by worldgonewrong Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 I'm learning, bit by bit, the sagacity of taking the high road. Just nodding, agreeing, and smiling. It certainly takes the wind out of her sails by reminding me we're not getting back together and I respond in the opposite expected way. YES!!! Excellent! By not letting her see you get upset by her, she won't know which buttons to push anymore and, besides, she's not worth fighting with anymore. That part of your relationship (at least) is DONE! There are times when taking the high road is the hardest thing to do in the moment, but the returns are incredible! Good luck and keep posting! Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 YES!!! Excellent! By not letting her see you get upset by her, she won't know which buttons to push anymore and, besides, she's not worth fighting with anymore. That part of your relationship (at least) is DONE! There are times when taking the high road is the hardest thing to do in the moment, but the returns are incredible! Good luck and keep posting! I wish I had figured this out, oh, about 10 months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Perfect, perfect, perrrrfect! Link to post Share on other sites
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