Through the Separation Jungle

[debtman]

It does get easier guys...

 

Now that OM is out of the picture, I can sense her testing out my feelings to see if there still are any, but, at this point, I'm over it...

 

It's like touching a hot stove...you get burned enough and you learn your lesson. I'd love to be able to just jump right back into the marriage for the sake of the kids, but, I won't for the sake of them and myself.

 

Better things to come! The way I figure it, I'm paying child support to not have her in my life anymore, which helps rationalize the financial impact this has had on me. I deal with the lost time with my kids by taking advantage of every minute I do have with them and, I think it's made me a more kind, compassionate and involved father...

 

LOTS of fish in the sea, I'm seeing that now...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[worldgonewrong]

Man, I wish I was in the same mental head-space as you, debtman.

 

I've been pondering how (despite my 180) much she has cut me off, even in the littlest of ways.

99 times out of 100, she does not have any reaction to the photos of the kids that I send her via my cell.

Yesterday, I sent her an email warning her (with a link to the story) about a sex offender running loose in our area. Nothing from her.

It's not like I'm addressing anything directly about US at all, and yet she can't even give me a civil reaction.

~shrug~ I still love her. But I find myself looking at a photo of her and not 'recognizing' her anymore. After 20 years, a total stranger to me. Amazing. I feel both disturbed and resigned.

[starting2wakeup]

99 times out of 100, she does not have any reaction to the photos of the kids that I send her via my cell.

 

 

I would stop doing this. Not to be mean, and trust me it's not easy, but it will help you. Trust me, I am speaking from experience. I use to do this (send her pics I took with my Blackberry) and stopped several months ago. If she asks me to send her one in particular then I do but otherwise those pictures are memories of times I had with my kids. They are for me and them. She was not there. Sending them to her, well, there's no way to know how she will react or feel about them. Rather than wonder what she is thinking or assuming the worst, it's best to just stop.

[worldgonewrong]

Rather than wonder what she is thinking or assuming the worst, it's best to just stop.

 

Agreed.

'Cause otherwise it's an unspoken understanding that, in the smallest of ways, I'm always putting my heart on the line every time I do stuff like that.

[debtman]

s2wu is absolutely right. Those are YOUR memories now with your kids. She doesn't want you to be a part of her life anymore? Her loss, she shouldn't get any more of you, save it for the kids who will appreciate it.

 

My feelings are that, once my stbx committed to OM, and committed to no longer being married to me, I no longer had ANY obligation to her. ONLY to the kids. The pictures and videos I take of them are to share with them later, not with her. She's no longer a part of the time they spend with me.

 

I think at first she was relieved that I wasn't contacting her anymore, but then I think she realized how much a part of her life I had become, how much she relied on me and how much I really did for her. Since OM left, she's looking for someone to fill that emptiness because she doesn't know how to be happy by herself.

 

wgw, getting the mental state I'm in now took time and convincing myself that I'm better off now, without her, without having to deal with her issues and constantly wonder if I was doing enough.

 

I still love the woman I married, but not the woman who ended our marriage, took half my kids lives from me and has caused me financial angina. That's who I see now when I look at her, not the woman I married.

 

No easy way to turn off those emotions...not sure how she did it but I'm guessing that the fog of the new relationship and lots of rationalizing had lots to do with it. I just have to occasionally go back and re-read the nasty emails she sent, the accusations she leveled against me and the twisted view of reality she had convinced herself of.

 

I AM better off, so are my kids. I'm happier now and am looking forward to the incredible possibilities the future will bring. It's been 7 months now...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Yasuandio]

Ditto, ditto, and ditto. WGW, you must put parental controls on your cell if you do not stop.

 

All of these one-sided "sharing moments" and "thoughtful ideas" continue to hurt you, and put unwanted presure on her - leaving her no choice but to reject you via a nonresponse or an unpleasant response.

 

For some reason, she asked for this time apart, and you agreed. Now it's been kicked up a knotch. You got to back off totally -- and REALLY do the 180. Exactly like the guys said. Start believing it really IS OVER. It may well be, WGW. You have to have that as your basic premise at all times, that is one reason 180 is effective. You really are moving on, and spouse can feel it (cause it's "reality").

 

In fact, I would like to hear feedback from the guys on serving her. She doesn't strike me as the cooperative type. And if there is no open affair, or no affair at all --- then there's no fog. Therefore, negotiations may leave a lot to be desired.

Edited May 5, 2011 by Yasuandio

[marqueemoon4]

I'm curious wgw.. whats the earliest you could serve ppwk to her if you wanted since you have kids?

 

My 1yr comes up May 13th.

[worldgonewrong]

Not until January. (State requirement = 1 year of full separation)

 

But I'm not even in the mindset to even consider that yet, to be honest.

[debtman]

My stbx and I went to mediation because we both agreed that getting lawyers involved and making the divorce a big, contentious thing would only hurt the kids. Mediation was very helpful. Very equal, very fair and very straight-forward. Much less expensive than lawyers and all we have to do it pay a lawyer to submit the actual paperwork to the courts.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Yasuandio]

Not until January. (State requirement = 1 year of full separation)

 

But I'm not even in the mindset to even consider that yet, to be honest.

 

Does your separation have to be on someone's record? If so, is it? If so, who registered it, you or her? If not, do they just take your word for it?

[worldgonewrong]

No, it doesn't have to be on someone's record.

Although we do have (which I requested at the time of the split) a letter dated and signed by her which noted I had moved out by mutual agreement. Literally, a two-sentence letter.

 

Mother's Day came & went, not without a little pain in my heart all day.

I made sure that I got a token gift & card which I made sure the kids gave to her and made sure they said it's from them -- although of course she knows it's me behind it.

 

Life goes on numbly. Blah.

[marqueemoon4]

No, it doesn't have to be on someone's record.

Although we do have (which I requested at the time of the split) a letter dated and signed by her which noted I had moved out by mutual agreement. Literally, a two-sentence letter.

 

Mother's Day came & went, not without a little pain in my heart all day.

I made sure that I got a token gift & card which I made sure the kids gave to her and made sure they said it's from them -- although of course she knows it's me behind it.

 

Life goes on numbly. Blah.

 

nice gesture..... i entertained this idea for a minute or two but then was like nah, no reason. she won't appreciate it.

[worldgonewrong]

Her birthday is this week, too. The big FOUR-OH.

She gets nada from me, not even a perfunctory text.

If she wants, she can feed off the memories/vapors of all the loving gestures I made pre- and post- split.

It's too painful and too sad to reach out anymore much less celebrate something and probably be reciprocated with cold, spiteful indifference.

I love her intensely but won't be kicked in the teeth anymore. My heart aches. Hers does too, and I've recognized that, but at this point it's got nothin' to do with me anymore. Her problems run deeper, I now realize, than me.

[starting2wakeup]

My heart aches. Hers does too, and I've recognized that, but at this point it's got nothin' to do with me anymore. Her problems run deeper, I now realize, than me.

 

This is a healthy yet very hard understanding.

 

The rollercoaster is still moving, only now it will become clearer that you are its single passenger. Our W's are on their own rollercoaster. One that we may get to watch but can not control. Maybe they will figure it out and seek the help and healing that they need. Maybe they won't.

 

I fear / I don't think that my W and I have a real shot at making it until she addresses her personal issues. It's incredibly hard caring for someone who is ignoring their own health and well being, for what ever reason. I can't make my W get help. I want her to. For herself and her children. But I can only control what I do.

[worldgonewrong]

Wise words, starting2wakeup.

 

Yeah, I feel our marriage could be saved if W took steps to get counseling and simply not partner with a therapist that would just nod & agree with everything she says.

[updown]

the roller coaster ride goes for a LONG time. it's not a fast ride at all. 2 yrs out for me and it's still going, all though there are much longer stretches now of just straight track. not too many ups and when one does show up it's rather small. so, it does get better, but it's not a fast process!

 

good call on the mother's day gift. and i agree with others, stop sharing your experiences with your kids! they are yours. she has her's and you have yours. that's the separated part of being separated. it sucks but it makes things easier in the long run.

 

ditto what starting to wake up said, you cannot control her or her journey in all of this. only she can. and you control yourself. so, be sure to be making the best choices for you and your kids. if she continues to make poor choices, someone will need to show they are grown up enough to be a parent. be that person.

 

just remember this is a LONG trip. a year is a LONG time, and lots can change. if you can, stop worrying about what she is doing and or not doing. worry about yourself and making yourself as healthy as you can. time will go on, and things might change over time. she could come back. but, right now, she isn't. live in THAT moment. don't live for what might be in the future. live for NOW. and right now, she's not there. and she is not showing any sign of coming back.........

 

you're doing great! keep it up!!

[worldgonewrong]

Thanks, updown. Your last paragraph in particular is something I've really got to get into my system and live by. You're so right.

[Yasuandio]

Quantum physics is interesting. What are u putting out there? Most the time it is negative in text. Of course, I understand, there is pain, anger, confusing, and whether or not you see it or not see it, a huge missing piece.

 

So what are you putting out there?

 

I had to think so hard for a single, tender, true, moment. It actually existed. I just never thought about such moments as Im focused always on what I'm without. Not to say that what I was without was ok.

 

But now. Our future. The plan for us. The vibe we send out. Is it true that a similar vibe comes back?

 

Yes, I agree with your last response to poster. I am there. Now I am here. What do you think. Does this Law of Attraction have any validity? I'm not talking about "The Secret" pop culture garbage, or e-books. Just the basic principle, which is not unlike karma. Get me?

[worldgonewrong]

I dunno, Yas. I'd have to think about all that long & hard.

 

At this point, my basic precept is: I stop pushing so that she will stop pulling. Simple, really.

 

Yesterday I got whammied with some 24-hour virus (spiking high fevers). I think part of this was stress-induced. Took off work today to get better; so far, so good.

Today is the missus' birthday & it goes against my grain (after 20 years of togetherness) not to FEEL something. But I'm sticking to my guns and not acknowledging it, as the results (or non-results) will only knife me again. It pains me to have to "sit this one out", but there ya go.

[Yasuandio]

Good work. You know you gotta do this.

 

I'll boil the concept down for you.

 

 

Today you putting out this into the universe:

 

"I gotta hold back, keep to my guns. It USED TO BE a nice day to enjoy - feels like a knife. Knife equals pain."

 

Typically, there isn't very much that is pleasant to think about in these circumstances. Typically, you got some well placed hurt feelings and possibly some anger. Me too. Every possible thing that occurs to me about him is negative and anti-happy-ever-after.

 

I tried, and tried, and came up with one true possive image to replace all the negative analysis, reflection, memory, fear of future. It was really difficult to sort out a pure trustworthy moment where I felt and saw with my own two eyes the genuine love between us. Believe me, it was only a moment when we were on that last vacation out of the country (where he abandoned me - for yet a second time).

 

I was sitting next to him on the bed while he watched TV. I was doing a new kind of embroidery with a pattern and everything. His mom taught me while we were there. I just loved the new technique, because I have never worked from a pattern, nor had I ever thought some could ever show me how to cross-stitch (it's hard to show a lefty). He gently grasped my chin and gazed at me with a piercing deep love that I could feel inside of my heart, as I messed around with my threads and scissors. It was only a moment.

 

As the theory goes....the more thoughts that go into the universe of a positive nature attract the object of the thought back to you.

 

Therefore, if I choose to focus on the madness/pain/abandonment when I put forth energy, that is what I can expect in return from the universe. Or, would something different, more desirable, come back to me if I focused more on "embroidery moments" like I described?

 

OK. That was really hard to explain. As mean and hateful and hostile as my husband has been, I have grown over the years to expect nothing less. I stopped asking direct questions year and years ago, because I expect a lie rather than the truth. He can expect gaming questions that will confuse the he'll out of him and I can expect he will slip up and accidently tell the truth.

 

I suppose the theory is suggesting you get what you expect - or throw out into the universe. I found it interesting. But I am sure I don't understand it correctly.

 

With regards to you WGW, I bet you have a lot more to chose from in what to throw out into the universe. I wonder if I brought on all this bad karma myself by having such poor expectations. Anyway, you said you welcome posts and if I don't submit this Ill lose it. Let me know what ya think of the concept. Yas

Edited May 11, 2011 by Yasuandio

[worldgonewrong]

I dig your post a lot, Yas, and I do subscribe to that philosophy.

 

Fortunately, I honestly do have a wellspring of great moments to draw upon, and I frequently do -- in an attempt to remember that she is not the sum total of this present Hell.

[worldgonewrong]

further thought/question: do you (or anyone else) think she's feeling something/anything about my absence in terms of not acknowledging her b-day?

[Yasuandio]

I am sorry to say, based on recent events, she knows you are just being stubborn. You have done shown your cards for the next 12 months with the flowers and the poem. Really, you needed to have left the last resort thing alone. Well, that's all behind us now. But, you asked the question.

 

All you can do now is lay off a hell of a long time, or do something really totally different or out of character -- but ya gotta mean it, be prepared for any consequences thereof, and it's gotta be something really, really good this time -- like dating, or divorce papers. And where your head seems to be --you don't seem ready for this.

 

You do exactly as she expects you will. Dude, you're only hog-tied in your mind! Recall Homer says the divorce papers really don't mean anything. Why don't cha' get an anonomous g-mail so I can forward these web sites I'm reading? There is so much free stuff u can sign up for out there with just an email address and a ficticious name. What are you afraid of? You really think someone from the internet wants to run after a sad guy in pain at his folks house in bumble eff m--------?

[change]

Divorce papers don't really mean anything? I'm not following this line of thought, Yas.

[worldgonewrong]

Yas, with all due respect, I can't read anymore separation/divorce advice sites or books. I'm up to my ears in them, and I've taken what I need -- which could probably all fit composite-wise on a brochure, in the end.

 

You do exactly as she expects you will.

 

I don't think I do. She expects me to keep hitting the same window pane like a fly. I'm done with that. I need not stoke any fires (e.g. divorce papers, dating) as it's only more games, more chess moves, more strategies.

 

All you can do now is lay off a hell of a long time

 

This, I am doing. I have no inclination, energy, spirit, whatever to do anything else.

Praying is about the only worthwhile thing (and not just in terms of the marriage, as that would be chutzpah otherwise). I'm more interested in making my kids happy and in making myself more focused on concrete things future-wise.

 

I might take a break from here for a bit. I keep chewing the same bone. If things flare up or improve, I'll be back. Just need a break. This site itself - as helpful as it is, and it really is - perpetuates getting stuck in the same ol' cycles sometimes.