Surfer203 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 That's good.. you shouldn't have to jump to her every request anymore. F it. I really feel for any one in this situation especially when there are children involved. Keep up the good work it seems like you are handling this in a very mature and solid manner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 thanks, Surfer203. Just trying to keep my head above water, like so many of us here. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 OK WGW, I just read all your posts. I hate to say it, but there are some strong differences with your W and my W. Some similarities are, my W had an EA which led to the ILYBINILWY speech. You didn't uncover anything, but it's likely to be true. The other similarity is it didn't turn into anything physical. You were right to say you would have heard about it with your close network of friends. My W is not with anyone either. I'm sure of it. What's different is my W always responded positively to anything positive I did. She responded negatively to anything negative I did. It concerns me that she ignores your gestures of flowers and such. It doesn't surprise me at all she doesn't respond to poems or letters. I've never done that nor will I. STOP DOING THAT!! Here are some mistakes I made during our 5 months after the discovery of the EA and ow 3 months in separate homes. I would flip flop. One day I wanted to do everything I could to make it work, the next day I would get insecure and tell her I wanted out. All hoping for a reaction. Since she fell out of love with me, that tactic didn't work. When I was confident and courting her, we did very well, both emotionally and physically. We had sex right up until the night she moved out. We had it a couple times afterward. Fast forward to today. She told me two weeks ago, we are just too different and she hasn't seen any changes in me. This was after a weak attempt at reconciliation that she initiated. She initiated it because she saw me take care of myself, take care of the kids, be nice to her with no expectations and total acceptance of our failed marriage. For some reason that got her missing our marriage. What I failed at during our reconciliation was going right back to the mistakes I made during our marriage. Controlling, jealous, emotional, sensitive and tense. I couldn't handle the reconciliation. I wasn't ready. I'm ready now. I have let everything go. The EA, the separation, things she was insensitive about etc. etc. Why? Because I love her unconditionally. I also believe she loves me unconditionally. It's that belief that is giving me confidence to move forward regardless of her reaction. I asked for another shot a couple days ago. She didn't say yes and she didn't say no. I asked her to dinner next week. Initially she said yes and retracted that when I classified it as trying again. What I have done different is not change my mood or behavior based on her response. Yesterday I got her the iced tea she liked. Gave it to her without any expectation. This morning I brought her coffee and dropped at her door. Again, no expectation. All this after her rejecting me. Even though she is rejecting me, she is accepting this positive behavior and responding nicely. I'm committed to 30 days of this activity with NO EXPECTATIONS. I'll ask her out again. She may say no, but I'll keep being nice. I'm treating like her like a girl I like that isn't sure about me yet. Most relationships are not love at first sight. The love builds when the people get to know each other. I'm giving her the chance to know the new me. I'm letting her know that the insecure and angry man is gone. I'm being the person she fell in love with. I'm not sure your W is going to give you a chance, because you have posted some things my W never did. I did 180. Worked for me, but didn't do anything for her. She just disconnected because she wasn't getting any love from me. Not all things are cookie cutter. I'm showing her love without expecting anything in return. Try 30 days of nice gestures without any expectations. Do not write e-mails or letters. Do not text I miss you or you're pretty. Tell her to her face she is pretty, but do not tell her you miss her. I told my W how pretty she looked the other day and she blushed. It would not have had the same affect if I texted it. Drop something at her door and let her know it's there. Something more meaningful than flowers. Do not expect a response. Look for little changes, but not too much. Give it the 30 days. It's 30 days. Don't feel like a doormat. You obviously want your marriage back, so why not shift gears and try something different. But most importantly, do not do the things that caused the separation in the first place. Do not expect her to change immediately. If after 30 days, you are in the exact same place, stop. Stop everything and move on. If you notice small changes, go another 30 days. Keep taking care of yourself and live your life. I think you, surfer and myself should try this together and keep updating. Share the nice gestures and give each other ideas. What can it hurt???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 jstobo- First of all, your post here is REALLY timely as just today I was reading a post of yours on your thread & I ended up cutting & pasting (for future reference) on how to maybe articulate some financial concerns between us. What you wrote was so close to MY situation that I felt it could be helpful -- and naturally, I'd re-state it in my own words. So thank you on that score. Secondly, thank you for giving me a FRESH perspective on how to manage/cope. One gets so mentally boxed-in and it's difficult to see it from the outside. I like the 30 Days of nice gestures, although I don't know if I can sustain it every day! But yeah, this is a good direction. I think I'm going to aim for this. And you are right; it can't hurt. In the end, I get strength from knowing I can still be a nice, upbeat guy without worrying about whether or not I get "shot down". Please feel free to keep posting on my thread, jstobo. I value your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Good luck to you both.. I am conflicted, everyone on my thread wants me to be more assertive and give her an ultimatum while I can't help but want to go the soft way.. be sweet and all of that. I did that last time and for me it ended in my wife leaving me for 2 months anyway. I think this time I have to be FIRM. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Good luck to you both.. I am conflicted, everyone on my thread wants me to be more assertive and give her an ultimatum while I can't help but want to go the soft way.. be sweet and all of that. I did that last time and for me it ended in my wife leaving me for 2 months anyway. I think this time I have to be FIRM. I need to make sure I make something clear. I am going to be nice. I'm not going to do something like coffee every day. What I'm not going to do is assume something is happening and react negatively to it. I think you do need to be firm on certain things. Her not working, staying out late, not doing the housecleaning etc. etc. You do need to be firm about that. But I wish you could have held your tongue and not went downstairs that night. My W went out one night with her friends near where the OM lived. I was freaked inside, but I fully supported it. She called later and said she was too drunk to drive home and was going to stay at her friends. Again, I freaked inside. But I supported her and said I was OK with that. She spent most of the night sexting me. I wish I could have responded that way to everything. We would still be together. It's 30 days. Short in the grand scheme of things. Have you noticed how everyone here gets the same 180 advice? How many reconciliations do you see? Why not try something different. ShatteredReality is a WS on this forum and if her H did the 180 on her, she would have gone the other way. Her H changed the behavior that caused the problems and they have reconciled. Both ways can work. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 I hear you man.. I think both ways CAN work, it depends on the situation. I too wish I did not go down and start a fight last night. I agree with you about being firm about those certain crucial issues but lightening up regarding everything else is proabably smart, that is what I have been trying to do. Have a good weekend, keep up the positivity. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 another good one is the love dare. i think it's 40 days, but you do different things on different days. google love dare. a movie was made about it. but, the ideas are very simple, and you could leave out the religious related aspects of it easily i think. i bought the book and asked my husband to read it. i had hoped he would want to do some of them, but he just told me it was all too dumb. you love your wife and want to reconcile. give it a shot. worst that happens is you gain no real ground......... good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 thank you so much for the continued insight/thoughts/support. I believe that, yes, one can do a modified 180. In a sense, it IS a modified 180 to take on aspects of the Love Dare (which I researched). Alas, some aspects of the Love Dare are more attainable when you're actually still living together, but I see the wisdom there. It's the attitude of kindness - without expecting a reward - and not going with one's first visceral instinct to be defensive. I get it and I like it. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 another good one is the love dare. i think it's 40 days, but you do different things on different days. google love dare. a movie was made about it. but, the ideas are very simple, and you could leave out the religious related aspects of it easily i think. i bought the book and asked my husband to read it. i had hoped he would want to do some of them, but he just told me it was all too dumb. you love your wife and want to reconcile. give it a shot. worst that happens is you gain no real ground......... good luck! The love dare is good. The movie is called Fireproof. It is harder to do without living together, but some things can apply. The man did the dare and got absolutely no response from his Wife, but he didn't waiver. If course, its a movie and not real life. Do something today with no expectations. Let us know what you did. Last night I took a picture of dinner, which included lots of broccoli. She responded, so I know it made her happy. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Just had to respond because I supported the Love Dare and Fireproof a very long time ago on LS, one of the reasons why I don't fully support a harsh 180 on here. The 180 isn't meant to be followed to the letter, but it is meant more for you to gather your strength in case the end is inevitable. A healing for you, while actions and, sometimes inaction, create the push/pull momentum in trying to reconcile. The movie, it was a very good synopsis on what happens in relationships and a good portrayal when seeing it from both sides and not from just your perspective. Good advice on putting it all together to works towards better outcomes. Btw - the entire movie is on YouTube episode by episode. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 I actually watched all of Fireproof on Youtube.. it was cheesy and poorly acted, but the message was good. Too bad my marriage is already long over, I doubt that would've worked for me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 Send all good thoughts or prayers my way this morning. Today's my son's elementary school graduation -- it will be the first time my wife & I have been in the same space for more than 5 minutes in 5 months. On top of that, my m-in-law is going to be there (I politely asked my folks not to attend, as I didn't want yet ANOTHER layer of stress added to this 1st type of encounter)(I'm convinced she invited her mother because she was terrified of being in the presence of my folks). I remind myself this day is about our child. But boy, the anxiety leading up to this moment has been buzzing in my brain, kept me up at night. Anyway, here goes... Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 just be cool, calm and unaffected. you'll be fine.. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
starting2wakeup Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Good Luck WGW. You will get through this just fine. Keep the focus on your son and celebrating this achievement in his life and you will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Good luck! Focus on your son, this is his event... Don't buy into anything that she may throw at you... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Sending you some happy mojo WGW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 thanks, my friends! yesterday was fine -- event held in a big gymnasium, with wife & m-in-law clear across the other side. I sat with a couple friends, and I never had to bump into or talk with them whatsoever. Got to take great pix of my boy and hug him a few times (before he was led back with his class). Phew! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 oh, additional: yesterday - owing to a kid-related event in the evening (father/son school thing with my best friend & his son) - I had to call my wife. Well, I also really hate texting; so clumsy for me. Here's the kicker - when she answers, her voice is very manic & tense with me, like you'd never know we have a loooong history together. It irritated me to death. How she sounds on the phone leads me to believe she has some mental problems, no exaggeration. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 it's just typical paranoia, dude. She thinks you're on to her, cause you're so totally cool. Who knows how she interpreted your parents absense -- but definently cause for BIG TIME concernation on HER part! I just love that little monkey wrench. She's demonstrating there is Clearly is "something to be on to.". Now be totally cool -- don't blow it. She is gonna crack. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) You're more of an optimist than I am, Yas. p.s. interesting update: she texted me last night regarding a minor medical thing re our daughter, to keep me in the loop. Like I said, extremely minor. But it was weird 'cause...this is the first time in a loooong time she's volunteered anything and kept me in the loop. hm. ~shrug Edited June 20, 2011 by worldgonewrong Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 You're more of an optimist than I am, Yas. p.s. interesting update: she texted me last night regarding a minor medical thing re our daughter, to keep me in the loop. Like I said, extremely minor. But it was weird 'cause...this is the first time in a loooong time she's volunteered anything and kept me in the loop. hm. ~shrug don't read into it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 don't read into it.. Oh I'm not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Minor irritation: she assumes a sort of flexibility in me that I had *pre-separation*. Case in point, she's trying to work part-time hours this summer. I just had to put my foot down and tell her, via text, No, I can't watch the kids on Thursday or Friday. My boss is back from a trip and I can't. Full-time hours are needed more to keep "us" afloat than part-time hours. No response. She'll probably try to fob the kids off on our mutual best friends. Drives me f*cking nuts. I feel like she's becoming unglued. Since when would it be OK for me to keep taking random days off during the summer when the kids were out of school (like 2 days a week)? I obliged a couple weeks ago, but this can't be a REGULAR thing!! Gaaaah, just had to vent. She's not thinking clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) You're more of an optimist than I am, Yas. ~shrug Careful, dude. That was a totally neutral statement. I meant nothing optimistic at all. Based on your case, if I filled in the blanks, my take would be quite the opposite. Here is where you have an issue, in my opinion. You tend to "fill in the blanks" with the best, or near best scenerio (never a negative scenerio or near negative scenerio.) You are overanalying every single word, movement, behavior, etc. You nor I know nothing -- we can only speculate. My speculation is probably better than yours if you are providing honest true observation. Then, what I arrived at last week was just common sense (you can filter that with your emotion run amuck -- anymore than I can with my husband). Stop over-analyzing. None of there little things add up to anything. She told you in no uncertain terms your marriage is over Jack. You need to get real. Even if there is hope, getting real will earn you respect rather than the games -- for example, leaving your parents out of son's cerimony. You are going to totally get screwed if you do not get a big gun attorney that is sympathetic to the man's divorce needs. There are many reasons to file first. Wakey, wakey. Get an appointment. You collect the easy evidence rather than swimming up the shyt creek of denial. Phone cell bill, process of illimination vs sore thumb, and have a Geek come to the house and download the entire hard drive of the computer (or DYI). There is a reason you have avoided these obvious measures. And to tell you the truth, you're beginning to remind me of Russell, man. Dude. Wakey, wakey. Your game with the cerimony was a disservice to your son and your folks in my opinion. Get a grip -- and look at what you're doing here. You will find out sooner or later. She sounds like the type that might be sly, but could lose it if HER game doesn't go as planned. Sorry, my man. It is time for some tough love. I mean, read your little update iterpretations, it is pathetic. Just like Russell typing out every text message from a drug addict. Oh, dear. I have been pathetic too. I just am trying to help. Praying for ya, Y/C Edited June 21, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
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