Author worldgonewrong Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 First of all, Yas, jeez - I'm humbly sorry - I didn't realize your husband had been dragging out divorce after 3 YEARS. My God. That's cruel. I'm sorry. Secondly, no false hope. I'm not pursuing the moving-back-in thing because I don't want a crazy restraining order slapped on me if I attempt that. My next step is telling her to get a *full-time job* pronto, 'cause that's the f*ckin' reality of her decision.If you follow this down the line, and I'm not wanted around, then it's time for her to put on her Big Girl pants and do what's right. I'll gladly mind the kids while she goes on job interviews, but no more bullsh*t. You can't live in 2 worlds while the other person (ME) is left hanging. W_N: thank you, amigo. soserious1: that's where I'm at. I realize, after dang near 6 months, that I haven't died. I'm not going to die. I bring a lot of joy to our kids. So, that said, the *giving* on my part - towards wife - begins to be curtailed and turned into the thought of "what are you going to do for the rest of YOUR life rather than use me as a safety net?". So anyway, Yas, to bring this full circle: I'm not filled with hope. I'm filled with Faith, as a praying, God-fearing man. But God doesn't want me to be a f*cking idiot, so I'll proceed accordingly (with my own interest and my kids' interests in mind) until I get the message that something can be done to turn things around. This is not born out of anger but rather self-preservation; if I lose the thread, then others (my kids) suffer. Gotta be strong against the face of insanity, which this is. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 First of all, Yas, jeez - I'm humbly sorry - I didn't realize your husband had been dragging out divorce after 3 YEARS. My God. That's cruel. I'm sorry. Yas, so sorry to hear about the insanity you're dealing with. Bad enough to be going through D, much worse for both of you to not really know where the other person's head is because they're acting SO irrational and completely out of character to who you THOUGHT they were... I'm not pursuing the moving-back-in thing because I don't want a crazy restraining order slapped on me if I attempt that. My next step is telling her to get a *full-time job* pronto, 'cause that's the f*ckin' reality of her decision.If you follow this down the line, and I'm not wanted around, then it's time for her to put on her Big Girl pants and do what's right. I'll gladly mind the kids while she goes on job interviews, but no more bullsh*t. You can't live in 2 worlds while the other person (ME) is left hanging. EXCELLENT!! Good choice to not move back in (yet). Let her get a taste of the real world and see what she really had and how "easy" you made things for her. She may not appreciate it at first, but, it will hit her eventually, rest assured... Good luck & keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Sorry guys, The last two day or so I have really lost control. Right now I am shaking, and seathing, my car battery is dead. And my husband is stepping on a jet (probably with is gal, maybe kids too for all I know, to take a nice vacation in Greece. I have and remain at the rental home. Which when I arrived looked like every corner had been chewed off by alligators. I have put 1500 in carpentry and same in a painter.. Job is half done. I work too. But I'm gonna have to rent a 15 foot extension, and I'm not anxious to work the corner where the electic cables connect to house. Guys, I don't want the house to fall down. He doesn't care, he's alrealy milked for the restaurant he wants. I am out of my mind. I need a severe tranqulizer. I did a bunch of drucken dialing while my parental controls were off, because of my calls asking for my check in advance. I was doing so good. I need some PMs. Thanks guys. WGW all my people are here anyway, and my topic is separation jungle, are you ok with me posting my issues here once in a while? I'm flipping out dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Yas - mi thread-casa es su thread-casa. Praying for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Someone or some other people in other threads have expressed feelings of feeling "bi-polar" due to the ups & downs emotionally. Today at work, I oscillated between putting my nose to the grindstone and relishing the distraction of drudgery, and then other times I'd drift off into a reverie about things. I had a Proustian moment of distinctly remembering the scent of HER in the morning, that luxurious feeling of waking up next to the one you're with & the warm essence of HER on that side of the bed. It's not sexual; it's beyond sexual -- intoxicating. If you could bottle that scent of security, love, and completion, then by God, nobody on Earth would ever suffer. Then I'd catch myself, remembering where we're at right now, and I'd feel tears welling up momentarily. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Sometimes I think bi-polar is just the new "ad/hd.". I was conviently diagnosed with and being treated with a dozen drugs since my separation. My old psych never told be I was bi-polor. But she moved out of state. And every single opinion I sought hit this same diagnosis. My current Psych, Dr. Aleem gives me the best explanation. And he didn't jump instantly at the diagnosis, and actually found me to have a variant, bi- polor 2, which is a hell of a lot different. It can be dormant, or you can have a propensity towards it, and never see it manifest. Just as a person with heart issues may lead a normal life and never have a problem. But put that same person in a stressful environment, and they could have a massive heart attack. I'm sure as an artist type I had the temperment towards this - but used any symtomolgy in a positive way - so it really was overlooked for a long time. When my husband abadoned me in Greece in Sept., 08, that is probably where the scales tipped. I didn't come home for months after that. I changed like a commellion, was almost unrecognizable -- even more so now. But when I got home, and the divorce began, I developed ever-increasing anxiety, panic, paranoia, poor judgement, social phobia, sever depression, the list goes on. I already had lived with several of these for years. But it was out of hand, and I had to believe someone. And it took me a long time to accept I could have a desease like this until I received Dr. Aleem's analogy with "propencity for a heart attack." So, do not underestimate the shock the separation jungle, and it's precurser's might do to your brain chemistry. I see and feel the mania. It is something that was not present before that terrible trip. I have lost my ability to do so many things, it is really sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Update - need opinions. I'm seriously thinking of telling her that I aim to move back into the house in 2 weeks - as the lease is also in my name and I pay ALL expenses. And also want to tell her that SHE can move out and figure things out for herself. However, I'm worried that she will slap a protective/restraining order on me. what say you? I don't want to make a rash move that eventually f*cks me. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Update - need opinions. I'm seriously thinking of telling her that I aim to move back into the house in 2 weeks - as the lease is also in my name and I pay ALL expenses. And also want to tell her that SHE can move out and figure things out for herself. However, I'm worried that she will slap a protective/restraining order on me. what say you? I don't want to make a rash move that eventually f*cks me. hire a lawyer and have him/her tell her... that'll get her attention. you have every right to be living there.. she wants the marriage over and isn't paying for sh*te. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 hire a lawyer and have him/her tell her... that'll get her attention. you have every right to be living there.. she wants the marriage over and isn't paying for sh*te. Bingo. YES. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Bingo. YES. I'm sorry, its time to play hardball with her. She'll continue to take advantage of you if you don't put your foot down soon. Link to post Share on other sites
starting2wakeup Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 hire a lawyer and have him/her tell her... that'll get her attention. you have every right to be living there.. she wants the marriage over and isn't paying for sh*te. I would agree, hiring a lawyer is your best bet. Lord knows I have made A LOT of mistakes in the past... year really, but by far the best move I ever made was getting a lawyer and getting one earlier. I kept the house, I pay no alimony and I have joint custody of my girls. And it was that last one where the lawyer really came into play. When every thing first went down she wanted Primary custody and there was no way in Hell I was going to let that happen. My lawyer made sure that the time I have with my children was as equal as possible. I will no doubt be needing his services again soon as there is about 40 days until we can legally file for divorce and at that time I am sure there will be issues raised as to the custody of the girls. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 i already told you how i felt about this. but, i would reiterate that it could be beneficial to have a sit down with your lawyer and talk about hashing out a property settlement agreement BEFORE you do a hand force regarding the living arrangements. do a suggested property settlement agreement and have it mailed or delivered to her. see if you two can come to some agreement. in there put a piece about her moving out and you taking residency in it again. OR, suggest mediation. you can do that in this state it's not all that expensive and you don't need to have legal representation if you don't want. not sure where you live or what your laws are on it. i wouldn't give her two weeks notice. i would go through legal channels. if you're going to rock the boat, might as well do it by the book so that she CANNOT turn around and accuse you of things you haven't done! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Gang- thanks for the continual motivation & clear logic. Sometimes it's difficult to see the forest from the trees. Will play it cool, by the book, without getting the kids being potential 'casualties' in this future show-down. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 since you voluntarily left, you're not in a position to "law the law down.". If you can get back in, you'll most certainly be out soon enough. And, to back out of the agreed plan, won't make you look very good either. If that's the way she wants it, you are out of there, dude, for good. Face it. It's just a rental anyway. REFUSE to sign the upcoming lease (by phone, not in writing). Begin a new household, where the children can be brought. Or have your Esq. get you in, in whatever legal methology there is. Those are your only choices, man. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Yas, yeah...I'm thinking this through rationally now. Now I'm more concerned about getting MY life on the right track, which means pushing financial independence and eventually getting my own place once the money/job issues are really sorted out. Update- She drives me nuts. (original, no?) She emails me in a frenzy: "The past two water bills are due ASAP. They total $70. Are you able to drop it off in the landlord's mailbox this evening?" Seriously, man - she has ONE F*CKING JOB to do regarding finances now: TELL ME WHEN STUFF IS DUE. She doesn't have to write checks or any of that stuff. And this, she lets slide. Good God. I wrote her back calmly, without any rancor, "No. I don't have $70. I can get it to them by week's end when I get paid." [i'm genuinely THAT broke 'til payday, btw.] I just love it -- "Here's a problem I created! QUICK, SOLVE IT!" F*ck you, wifey. That's what you get for being so self-absorbed. Here's some reality - it tastes pretty spicy, doesn't it? Yeah, I've been eating it for a good 6 months now. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 ahh these selfish, clueless women who think the world owes them a living. f em all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 In the deepest part of my soul, I don't want to divorce. But another part of me is quite giddy at the thought that, post-divorce, SHE will have to own her problems, NOT ME. I can't tell you how liberating that idea is. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Hey, MM4, we are not all bad. Here's the reality WGW. Sometimes when you've been married this long, it's cheaper to keep her. Upon divorce you will be anything but liberated. Like I said before, she's not exactly emancipating herself, is she? Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Hey, MM4, we are not all bad. Here's the reality WGW. Sometimes when you've been married this long, it's cheaper to keep her. Upon divorce you will be anything but liberated. Like I said before, she's not exactly emancipating herself, is she? I'm not stereotyping all women, I'm sure there are plenty of rational, independent, intelligent women out there, unfortunately the woman I procreated with and married isn't one of them. I'm really banking that all women aren't like: my ex debtmans stbx wgws stbx surfers stbx if he gets his act together jaymz stbx russells stbx If so I'll be alone the rest of my life. Hear the same sh*t over and over and over... its pretty disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I'm not stereotyping all women, I'm sure there are plenty of rational, independent, intelligent women out there, unfortunately the woman I procreated with and married isn't one of them. I'm really banking that all women aren't like: my ex debtmans stbx wgws stbx surfers stbx if he gets his act together jaymz stbx russells stbx If so I'll be alone the rest of my life. Hear the same sh*t over and over and over... its pretty disgusting. In the same boat. My brothers have all met wonderful women and are married/getting married/have kids etc, so i KNOW they are out there. With the experiences I have had i know that the next ltr will be much better and much stronger. I have learnt so much about myself and each day I am getting just a little bit more positive about the future. Today i will come home to an empty house, everything I love has gone. I have been really upset all week but last couple of days I have accepted it as the next stage and feel more calm about it. When i'm ready I'll start looking for the next Mrs Jaymz, and it will be great. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I'm not stereotyping all women, I'm sure there are plenty of rational, independent, intelligent women out there, unfortunately the woman I procreated with and married isn't one of them. I'm really banking that all women aren't like: my ex debtmans stbx wgws stbx surfers stbx if he gets his act together jaymz stbx russells stbx If so I'll be alone the rest of my life. Hear the same sh*t over and over and over... its pretty disgusting. Can probably understand where you are coming from. But hey, keep that thought that all women aren't like the above. I can assure there are some really great women out there Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 If I get my act together?! Come on.. the issue is not me.. it's my wife. I am dropping the ball maybe with trying to fix things but she is the problem. Anyway, all women are not like those wives.. I fear the same thing but know it's not true. Same thing, I see friends getting married, having kids - it's wonderful and most of them seem totally completely happy. Inspiring. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 If I get my act together?! Come on.. the issue is not me.. it's my wife. I am dropping the ball maybe with trying to fix things but she is the problem. Anyway, all women are not like those wives.. I fear the same thing but know it's not true. Same thing, I see friends getting married, having kids - it's wonderful and most of them seem totally completely happy. Inspiring. ah man Im not criticizing you.. I know EXACTLY where your head is at. my exW has put me through the most emotional trauma I've ever suffered thru the last year and I STILL CARE ABOUT HER AND STILL THINK ABOUT HER. We're done, divorce papers signed, she living with and banging some lowlife dude. I hear you.. BUT.. and not to threadjack you have to put your foot down with your wife. I know you want to save it, you want her to totally come around and go "you know Surfer you are the only man for me, I love you so much! Lets fix everything... TOGETHER". Well, being doormatted by her is SO not going to accomplish that. You know this in your heart man. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I hear you and you are right man. Onwards with the thread! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Hey, MM4, we are not all bad. Here's the reality WGW. Sometimes when you've been married this long, it's cheaper to keep her. Upon divorce you will be anything but liberated. Like I said before, she's not exactly emancipating herself, is she? to address both points - MM4 singled out selfish, clueless women - not all, 'cause Lord knows, there are some wonderful ones out there (and here on this forum!). "Cheaper to keep her" - I hear ya. But she doesn't want keeping (marriage), so she says. Link to post Share on other sites
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