Author worldgonewrong Posted August 12, 2011 Author Share Posted August 12, 2011 Just spoke with a dear, old friend of mine. He went through the divorce mill circa 2000 or so, and is now about to get happily remarried again soon. Long story short, he told me that the divorce laws in VA stipulate that you have to be separated for 6 months. (Here, it's 1 year.) In a perverse way, I wish that had been true in my state, so as to not prolong the misery and have some closure quicker. Link to post Share on other sites
starting2wakeup Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 WGW, I know exactly how you feel. It is Hell having to wait 12 months, and then having the whole ordeal slapped in your face again only to re-live it all over again. I am going through it right now. I told my wife today that when she filed, which she can do in just over a week, I would sign. If she didn't want to be my wife anymore, then fine. I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me. I do not feel any sense of closure but, I do feel like I lifted a little bit of self-inflicted misery from off of me. There is no thinking, what's going to happen when a year is up. Now I know. Stay strong WGW. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 if you are in VA and have kids, it's one year. if you DON"T have kids, it's 6 mo....... in VA, if you have kids you have to attend a class too. it's 4 hrs on a saturday. they won't grant a divorce, usually, unless you've attended the class........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted August 12, 2011 Author Share Posted August 12, 2011 thanks, amigo. Stay strong too, starting2wakeup. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 if you are in VA and have kids, it's one year. if you DON"T have kids, it's 6 mo....... in VA, if you have kids you have to attend a class too. it's 4 hrs on a saturday. they won't grant a divorce, usually, unless you've attended the class........ Yea I have to take this class.. have no idea when or where. Good times. Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Hang in there WGW. It still shocks and disgusts me to read what this woman has put you through. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 I totally hear ya. Yeah, thinking of another woman right now - that is, a relationship where you share your goddamned soul - makes me want to vomit. I look at every woman now as a potential heartbreaker, which I know is an exaggeration. And I look at younger people w/their significant-others, holding hands, and I want to scream, "Don't do it. It's going to end in failure." I can totally relate to this. Often I have seen couples so happy together and it is so overwhelmingly sad that I cry, even when I am out and about. I have been hiking a lot this summer and there are many scenic spots in my city. Without fail there is often a wedding. I have come to really hate seeing these and wonder how long the couples will last. Here's the gist: I've told her that I'd really like the marriage/family to be reconciled, but I've come to agree with her that it's not going to be repaired. The burden is back on HER, rather than ME being a total spastic chimp professing undying love and repelling her further. It will either knock her out of the blue, or she'll take it in her stride. Either way, I feel like I've exerted some HUGE control over this situation by putting it back in her lap finally. In other words, I fought like a motherf*cker for the best possible situation to happen, and it only made things worse. Now I declare I'm no longer struggling and put it on her to struggle (or not). This actually is a 180. Believe it or not. Good for you. I have spent a good chunk of the day reviewing your thread. I am so sorry that you have been treated with total disregard. Link to post Share on other sites
BrettLost Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Dreamingoftigers and WGW, Im not sure whether the pain of seeing happy couples is jealousy, hate or just plain resentment. Either way its unsettling when u come across it and allow ur mind to run away it, instead of ignoring it. I must admit, seeing it makes me miss the genuine companionship (even more than the regular sex). The real push of faith lies in whether u allow urself to believe u will ever encounter it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 We have this divorce group at the church on Wednesday evensday. And now the back up, second chair guy - has been promoter to leader of the group. If I were to describe him I'd call him a "Great Man in-the-Making.". He is a little too young (45ish) yet to be a Great Man, or perhaps inexperienced is what I'm sensing, but he's on his way. He is divorced and has talked about his divorce as much as possible. The trouble is, there's nothing to talk about. He has no idea to this day why his wife wanted the divorce. And even if it was years ago - it still makes no sense to him. And you can see it on his face. He has an empty, blank look. It's like he has to live out his life with this huge unanswered question. His kids are grown now, which Im sure complicated everything. I would hate that. I kinda feel like you don't have a clear a reason WGW. Only the junk she crammed together after the broken plate, which wasn't really convincing. I'm not sure it's better to see a person with another lover. But if you knew just something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 Tech_E: I know - crazy stuff. But I've been through all the shock and disgust, and now I've settled into 'numb'. DreamingofTigers: thanks for the observations. I find the 180 coming naturally now. Funny how it used to be such a self-conscious thing. Now it just happens. Self-preservation instincts kicking in, perhaps. BrettLost: I can relate. More than anything, I miss the woman who I really thought was my Best Friend in the World. That guts me. Yas: I don't know if I'll ever get a clear reason, ya know, and I have to sort of accept that. I've sort of just realized that maybe some people just are not cut out for the 'long haul' that marriage requires, period. Maybe she's incapable of voicing that aloud because if she did, she would be horrified by her own self-awareness (on so many levels). Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 My 180 has become natural too. I think it comes with accepting that there is a good chance that it is done. Like you've accepted the bottom line/worst case scenario and so you have nothing to lose by trying it. They say that the POWs who lived long enough to get out of Vietnam tended to be the ones who accepted that they may never get out and adapted to their lives accordingly. The ones who gave up all hope or unrealistically expected for a rescue to come "soon" were the ones who tended not to survive. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamone Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 i have spent the day reading every single post on this thread. You guys are incredible. I'm going through my 2nd month of moving out and spent the last two days wondering if i'd done all i could to prevent my marriage failing. i think someone should publish a book on this thread. It's so good to know that someone else is/was feeling exactly the same i am feeling now. It's also very interesting to learn that many more males feel the way i do and that i'm not being a soppy little sh*t. I wish everyone the best of luck in your circumstances. We fight the fight together. The encouragement that you have given each other as relative strangers have given me a renewed hope in humankind. I'm still in the early days of being out of the house but i will definitely be visiting this thread again and again when i feel sh*t. One love to you all! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 When I first came to LS I was surprised how many males go through this and feel this way. I really thought you guys generally were just like " well screw her, she's a bitch" and then just emotionally and physically packed your bags. Now I can see that you process stuff differently regardless of your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
GreelryRimmex Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 Toy Story 3 Movie Cinema Download Battle: Los Angeles Movie In Hd Quality Download Movie Kick-Ass Quality The A-Team Full Movie Why Did I Get Married Too? The Movie Hd Kung Fu Panda 2 (LQ) Film 2009 Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 When I first came to LS I was surprised how many males go through this and feel this way. I really thought you guys generally were just like " well screw her, she's a bitch" and then just emotionally and physically packed your bags. Now I can see that you process stuff differently regardless of your feelings. Yeah, I mean, I know guys who have an "eff her" attitude regarding their own relationship problems. I'm not one of those guys. Can't do it. Last night I dropped the kids off after our vacation together. As I dropped the last of the bags inside, it began to thunder & lightning hard. My little daughter says outloud, enthusiastically, "It's storming out! Maybe Daddy can spend the night here!!!" Gaaaaaah. [Jamone: hey! welcome! glad you can see the good vibes - amidst the misery - here.] Link to post Share on other sites
starting2wakeup Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 Last night I dropped the kids off after our vacation together. As I dropped the last of the bags inside, it began to thunder & lightning hard. My little daughter says outloud, enthusiastically, "It's storming out! Maybe Daddy can spend the night here!!!" Gaaaaaah. Yeah, that's rough. Last week my youngest starting crying as I was putting her to bed. I thought she was just upset that I was making her go to sleep when she wanted to stay up and play, but when I asked her what was wrong she said, "I want mommy and daddy together!". How do you answer that? No matter how well you think you may be doing, it's those kind of comments from your children that always seem to jolt you back to the reality of the situation. Stay strong, WGW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 starting2wakeup: thanks, my friend. you too. This aspect (re kids) never gets easier. It's sad to see my little girl - lacking the language to convey her thoughts, and the maturity to sort them out - also having these noticeable moments of depression/the blues. She's internally angry at this whole thing, and it shows. Where once she was a cream puff, she now acts (at times) like a sullen, snappish teenager...and she's just a little kid. I could scream at my wife for having dragged us all down this road. Absolute effing torture. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted August 20, 2011 Author Share Posted August 20, 2011 Just started watching "Louie" (Louis C.K.), which everyone on the planet has seen except me. God, how I needed that laugh. If I'm forced to be a divorced dad (which I pray I won't be), this show gives me odd hope, haha! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 Most times I'm good at handling this wave of emotion (or whatever you call it), but this weekend wasn't so hot. I had the kids over for the usual sleep-over, but I was CONSUMED by the nagging feeling of it all being transient and how empty I would feel after they left...while they were WITH me. Good God. And then the crushing sadness that washed over me when they DID leave, just awful. I wish my wife could empathize/sympathize with one-tenth of the drowning sorrow that I've felt -- not as bad karma, but so she would somehow understand how intense this pain is. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 starting2wakeup: thanks, my friend. you too. This aspect (re kids) never gets easier. It's sad to see my little girl - lacking the language to convey her thoughts, and the maturity to sort them out - also having these noticeable moments of depression/the blues. She's internally angry at this whole thing, and it shows. Where once she was a cream puff, she now acts (at times) like a sullen, snappish teenager...and she's just a little kid. I could scream at my wife for having dragged us all down this road. Absolute effing torture. I saw that in my daughter each time that my husband took off for more then a few days. Even as a nine month old when he left for 8 days not letting me know what happened and a business and house to run, bills to pay etc. I lucky I didn't have a meltdown. She started doing this thing when age cried like an angry, frustrated, primal scream. Part of me hates him for that. Nobody small like that should have stressed out parents or absentee ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Kids are really on the LS menu today. I have been totally misunderstanding a POV on Saul Goodman's site regarding my eneptness towards anything less than a functional adult. It is impossible for me to understand and respond to. Why doesn't someone write something on my SOS sit. I want 5 stars too. I have some new stories but I can't write them. Crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 I hope you're on the mend, Yas, after the recent traumas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) New info has come to light: she's not doing financially well at all, and no other guy in the picture, despite whatever front she has been foisting on me to look confident & empowered. Mixed feelings on this - glad because it shows I'm not irrelevant; sad, because she stubbornly digs a deeper hole for herself. This turn of events makes me recall one of the first things I ever read on LS, something to the effect of (terrible paraphrase coming) "Believe less than 10% of what you see, and even less of what you hear [about the estranged spouse]." In the meantime, I'm keeping my cool. Leaning back, saying nothing. If she wants me, she knows where to find me. I still love her, but I'm not going to humiliate myself anymore. Edited August 29, 2011 by worldgonewrong Link to post Share on other sites
Saul Goodman Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) New info has come to light: she's not doing financially well at all, and no other guy in the picture, despite whatever front she has been foisting on me to look confident & empowered. Mixed feelings on this - glad because it shows I'm not irrelevant; sad, because she stubbornly digs a deeper hole for herself. This turn of events makes me recall one of the first things I ever read on LS, something to the effect of (terrible paraphrase coming) "Believe less than 10% of what you see, and even less of what you hear [about the estranged spouse]." That actually reminds me of my own wife: Pride. When it comes down to it, you can be confident in who you are and what you have done. That's pride. You can also be arrogant, and in your arrogance you can end up hurting yourself and others. You can burn and destroy, and not realise it until it's too late. That's pride. Read through a bit of this thread. Look after yourself buddy. Edited August 30, 2011 by Saul Goodman Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Read through a bit of this thread. Look after yourself buddy. Thanks, amigo. And you too - take care of yourself. You seem to have turned some corners in your mind, which is laudable. I learn from you (and others), so thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts