Through the Separation Jungle

[debtman]

wgw, yeah, both funny and sad when reality starts to set in, eh? Hate to see someone you spent so much time loving and devoted to spiral into the harsh real world, but, there's some vindication in knowing that it was only a matter of time before they realize that they may have made the biggest bad decision of their life.

 

I know how hard things can be with the kids. One of the things I will never forgive my stbx for is the trauma, tears and tantrums that my kids threw for the first few months every time I would leave after dropping them off. But, on the plus side, after 9 months, that doesn't happen anymore, the kids have adjusted incredibly well to the situation, and, we spend more quality time together than we did before...we tell each other how much we love each other ALL the time and there is more and better communication about all sorts of things than there ever has been.

 

My stbx has recently started expressing interest in reconciling, but I would NEVER put myself, or our kids, in the position where we would have to go through all of this again...

 

Saul, excellent points about pride and arrogance.

 

Good luck and keep posting....

[Jamone]

[Jamone: hey! welcome! glad you can see the good vibes - amidst the misery - here.]

 

Thanks mate. I've noticed that you've been using 180 as your kind of "bible" to help you get through this. Any chance you can point me in that direction? I can't seem to find it on here.

 

Also how do you deal with leaving your kids? My daughter is still at the house and last wknd i had to stay there with her while her mom went partying with her friends. When i left i felt like someone had pulled my heart out of my chest and stamped on it a million times.

 

I realise i need to do something now before i start the downward spiral again so i'm considering following your footsteps and going 180.

 

Thanks in advance pal.

[worldgonewrong]

Debtman - I'm adhering to what you do: soaking up the love of the kids and radiating that love back to them. That's kept me sane.

 

Jamone- Yeah, I had difficulty finding the 180 too here just now (odd!), but here's an outside link: http://ezinearticles.com/?Boundaries---Save-Your-Marriage-or-Relationship&id=542526

 

That said, you're gonna laugh at this, in light of the 180, but we're all human.

Tonight I dropped off the expense check to my wife at the door; their power has been out post-hurricane, so I actually got to say goodnight to the kids in person -- which was awesome. I had to run some chores after that, but afterwards (an hour or so later) I felt this twinge of kindness (not based on grandiose thoughts of reconciliation) and left a bottle of wine at my wife's door. Just thought it would take the edge off of having no electricity, etc. I texted her, "Check outside your front door. Left something for you." Ya think the [expletive] replied back? hahahahaha, nope! She probably blames the hurricane on me. haha! ah, you just gotta laugh. Ah well. The little gesture cost me under 10 bucks and my ego ain't hurting, but there you go.

[itllgetbetter]

worldgonewrong: It was SO thoughtful of you to leave her the bottle of wine. And it's SO rude of her not to get back to you with a "thank you". Unbelievable!

[Yasuandio]

Debtman - I'm adhering to what you do: soaking up the love of the kids and radiating that love back to them. That's kept me sane.

 

Jamone- Yeah, I had difficulty finding the 180 too here just now (odd!), but here's an outside link: http://ezinearticles.com/?Boundaries---Save-Your-Marriage-or-Relationship&id=542526

 

That said, you're gonna laugh at this, in light of the 180, but we're all human.

Tonight I dropped off the expense check to my wife at the door; their power has been out post-hurricane, so I actually got to say goodnight to the kids in person -- which was awesome. I had to run some chores after that, but afterwards (an hour or so later) I felt this twinge of kindness (not based on grandiose thoughts of reconciliation) and left a bottle of wine at my wife's door. Just thought it would take the edge off of having no electricity, etc. I texted her, "Check outside your front door. Left something for you." Ya think the [expletive] replied back? hahahahaha, nope! She probably blames the hurricane on me. haha! ah, you just gotta laugh. Ah well. The little gesture cost me under 10 bucks and my ego ain't hurting, but there you go.

 

Speaking of puke buckets...

[debtman]

wgw, yeah, we all slip up on the 180, but, remember, she may see it as a sign of weakness and neediness...not what you want to send out...even if you were just being nice and thoughtful...You're a good person and she knows that. However, if she refuses to admit that to herself in order to justify her actions, nothing you can do will change it. Just as time will heal things with you, it may just make her slowly realize her mistake.

 

Jamone, the 180 is a great way to force yourself to at least start acting happy and getting out and doing things. Funny thing about it though. Life is what you make it and, once you chose to be happy, you'll be amazed at how well it works. It's not a constant, especially in light of everything that's happening emotionally, but, the great thing is that being active and involved in life and focusing on what makes you happy, really works.

 

As far as the kids go, by far, the worst part. But, know this, the time you will spend with your kids (at least in my case) will be the most valuable moments you will have and you will treasure and make the most out of them...and your kids will see that, and appreciate it.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[worldgonewrong]

Speaking of puke buckets...

 

hey seriously, get off my thread, Yas.

You're getting all weird and aggressive with me. I don't dig it.

[worldgonewrong]

wgw, yeah, we all slip up on the 180, but, remember, she may see it as a sign of weakness and neediness...not what you want to send out...even if you were just being nice and thoughtful...You're a good person and she knows that. However, if she refuses to admit that to herself in order to justify her actions, nothing you can do will change it. Just as time will heal things with you, it may just make her slowly realize her mistake.

 

And the thing is, I'm at the point now where I don't mind or care.

I figured, it's a token thing. Ya know? My marriage is over, I get it. It's just a civil, neighborly thing.

[dreamingoftigers]

Any heads up yet on why she flipped the switch?

[debtman]

And the thing is, I'm at the point now where I don't mind or care.

I figured, it's a token thing. Ya know? My marriage is over, I get it. It's just a civil, neighborly thing.

 

wgw, I hear you. I've done "nice" things for my stbx as well (giving her some of the homemade pickles & jelly I make, etc.), but, every time I do something I realize that she can't tell the difference between doing things to try to keep things as civil and "friendly" as possible or doing things in hopes of reconciliation. I think, to some degree, my "friendly" actions toward her may have given her the false impression that we could somehow "fix" our relationship, which is NO LONGER the case.

 

Not saying it wasn't the "right" thing to do, just waving the warning flag.

 

You're a nice guy, so am I. I do thoughtful things for my friends, family & neighbors all the time and I sometimes have to pull myself back from doing nice things for her. I want to because I've "known" her for 10 years and she's the mother of my children, but I have to be careful because of her (mis)interpretation of things...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[worldgonewrong]

Any heads up yet on why she flipped the switch?

 

what do you mean?

[worldgonewrong]

You're a nice guy, so am I. I do thoughtful things for my friends, family & neighbors all the time and I sometimes have to pull myself back from doing nice things for her. I want to because I've "known" her for 10 years and she's the mother of my children, but I have to be careful because of her (mis)interpretation of things...

 

 

True, good point here.

[worldgonewrong]

I couldn't bump this thread up as LS won't let you if it's too old:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t74995/

 

But allow me to quote this bit by Trimmer for truth. Maybe not sweeping truth for all scenarios, but still truth for a strong percentage:

 

Anyway, afterward, in processing all of this, an important point has occurred to me. All along, I realized, I have kind of believed that she's been in some kind of fog, or that she's confused or influenced, or fooling herself, and that I needed something like this to explain how the woman I loved and to whom I had devoted my entire soul could turn me away. I can't explain the whole complex path I took, feeling my way through these discussions and everything that had come before, but in the end, I came to realize that she's not in a fog, or lying to herself, or mentally defective or anything. She's leaving me because she wants to. It's not something unfortunate that's happening to her - it's something she's doing, something she's chosen to do. Intellectually obvious, now that I say it, but it's news to my heart.

[dreamingoftigers]

what do you mean?

 

Okay it has been a little bit since I read your thread in its entirety. But if I recall correctly, she called "over" quite suddenly after a dinnertime incident.

 

I was just wondering why she pulled the plug/flipped the switch so quickly and seemingly without warning.

 

Or has she talked with you about this yet?

[robf1971]

I was just wondering why she pulled the plug/flipped the switch so quickly and seemingly without warning.

 

No offence DOT, but it seems from my story and every story that all the women do this. I think us guys have a real problem decoding female language on this.

 

Any way after months of counselling it all became as clear as day.

[worldgonewrong]

Okay it has been a little bit since I read your thread in its entirety. But if I recall correctly, she called "over" quite suddenly after a dinnertime incident.

 

I was just wondering why she pulled the plug/flipped the switch so quickly and seemingly without warning.

 

Or has she talked with you about this yet?

 

The last time we had any extensive communication was in the 1st of 2 marriage counseling sessions in January, in which she summarily painted me as all bad and put a bow on it with "no chance for reconciliation".

 

We never talked through anything and I was never given a chance.

 

I think she just might be a very self-centered and confused *********.

[worldgonewrong]

No offence DOT, but it seems from my story and every story that all the women do this. I think us guys have a real problem decoding female language on this.

 

I dunno.

It's a one-sided prerogative that men certainly aren't afforded, ya know?

I just think the behavior (flip-switching) is more easily justified by certain female friends.

Mind you, my wife's best friend (up to this point) disagreed with her about her handling of all this, very much so -- and her best friend was then dropped/distanced because my wife can't handle listening to contradictory opinions that might somehow alter/correct/edit her own point of view...on anything.

[Craig2425]

The last time we had any extensive communication was in the 1st of 2 marriage counseling sessions in January, in which she summarily painted me as all bad and put a bow on it with "no chance for reconciliation".

 

We never talked through anything and I was never given a chance.

 

I think she just might be a very self-centered and confused *********.

 

Isn't it funny how were the ones that do everything wrong or they were never happy.

I'm not saying I didn't do stuff wrong but there's no way it's all my fault.

I feel good knowing that I figured out what I was doing and started to get help to correct it so it doesn't keep Happening.

I just keep having faith that everyone here and my friends and family are all right when they say time will heal.

Hope things are getting better for you man.

[Jamone]

wgw thanks for the link to 180. Turns out i had already been following it unknowingly. I've been having quite a low week and entertaining thoughts of trying again. We have our first counselling session next tuesday and i'm a little nervous fearing that the worse case scenario will come to light.

 

The thing is, through all of what we're going through i've never seen a stitch of emotion from her, leaving me to wonder if she checked out a long time ago and she's now behaving like i was holding her down and now she's free. It's actually quite surprising she agreed to go to MC.

 

I want things to work but i'm scared that she'll do what she always does which is giving all the talk and only acting on it for a week and then reverting to her old self again.

 

Is MC helping you? how do you (or anyone here) deal with those days when you feel really low? i'm wondering if i should make one last ditched effort but scared that i will get the **** end of the stick and fall into that hole of depression again.

 

P.S. I went round the house the other day and found a condom wrapper outside behind the extension. Don't know how to read into it. She's going out alot and is very protective of her mobile phone and when it rings she leaves the room to speak everytime. When i went round yesterday the wrapper was gone. I haven't mentioned that i saw it to her. Am i being paranoid?

[Jamone]

Isn't it funny how were the ones that do everything wrong or they were never happy.

I'm not saying I didn't do stuff wrong but there's no way it's all my fault.

 

I feel the same way.

[BrettLost]

Its a manufactured justification for themselves to feel 'right' about the decision they made.

 

Ive been away for a bit (trying to be busy) but man, this forum is still good to be a part of.

 

WGW- i too only contact ex regarding $$ or children. Starting to also feel the freedom from her $hit. Her and OM dont even bother me now, he'l wake up n smell trouble soon enough.

 

She tries to throw little snippets of her doings in conversation, but aslong as u shut it down- "like i give a ***** what u do with yourself now" she gets the drift.

[updown]

if you read marriage/ divorce books written from the different ways men and women handle things, it's rare that these things just "pop up." women will be communicating a level of unhappiness but, it doesn't usually translate into something men understand. there is a pretty big break down in male/ female communication based on the ways we are built. we each think we're making perfect sense to our partner when in fact we aren't.

 

women often leave because they feel like they just can't give any more than they already are. they are at a loss of how to fix it because they don't feel they can give any more. and if kids are involved women already feel maxed out in the giving department.

 

have any of your wives ever said to you " i just don't know what to do anymore?"

 

and i think i mentioned it before, if the word divorce was ever tossed around or "i'm leaving" or "why don't you leave," coupled with the feeling totally empty inside....... it's the perfect combo for a woman to "walk away." but, the signs were there. the thoughts, months in the making. more than likely she didn't wake up one morning and say "my marriage is great, but i'm gonna leave today."

 

granted. i am taking all of this from about a dozen books i've read on men, women, marriage, and divorce. i know as a woman i was able to identify with those feelings of not being able to give anymore. not knowing how to make things better despite verbalizing to my husband that things were not good. i'm not saying that this is the case in all of your situations. but, i do know those feelings/ thoughts were not foreign to me. i do take things with a grain of salt, because after all, authors need something to write in order to make money ;-)

[updown]

BUT!!! from those same books i have also learned how men work. and how women have messed up the male/ female relationship with HIGHLY unrealistic expectations of men. it's actually really fascinating how we were each built to compliment the other. but, women have blurred the line with what they THINK they want from their partner and not what they NEED from their partner. i know i have an entirely different view on male/ female relationships now. and i will NOT blur that line ever again. i find it fascinating :-)

[Jamone]

first of all i don't mean to hijack your thread wgw but i feel that we're in the same room here and can get better advice from ppl i know have gone through what i'm struggling with now.

 

Yesterday i went round the house as usual and saw wife struggling with the garden. It was my job before i left. Anyway, i went to get the hedge trimmers off her to do it and found myself asking for a hug and telling her that i want my family back. She said she gets through things quickly in her mind and already accepted that the marriage was over and that it is going to to take a long time before she can even consider going there again because she doesn't want to get hurt again.

 

WTF??!! i've spent the last two months away absolutely f****d in the head and an emotional wreck because of the way my life turned out. In the meantime she's out partying and drinking with her mates as if everything is ok. She doesn't even seem to care that much.

 

Her response was quite cold and i felt like a fool for doing what i did. Anyway, i haven't been able to sleep and can't cope anymore. I feel like i want to go back on my knees begging and it's killing me. There's a lot that she needs to sort out for it to work and i'm afraid i don't know if she's willing to change. it's always about her and what she expects. Well what about what i expect??

 

Anyway, i'm struggling guys and need your help. I feel like getting a bottle and drinking myself silly!

[speedster]

J, i know how you feel. she sounds like she's done. you can't make her care, and she certainly doesn't care about your expectations.

 

whatever you do, don't hit the bottle. you don't need to compromise your decision making ability. you'll just get more depressed, frustrated and emotional, everything you do not want.