Through the Separation Jungle

[worldgonewrong]

8 months into this separation. It doesn't get easier.

It particularly doesn't get easier when you share children. They can't quite articulate their feelings but it all surfaces up, now and then. The confusion, the hurt, the sense of security bottoming out. It's tough as hell on an adult, and I can only imagine more of a swirling miasma of insanity for a child, trying to sort it all out when mom and dad can't even sit down and talk with each other (because mom has shut down).

 

I wake up every morning and it's a continuation of the nightmare. "God, here we go again." No relief. The brain loads up the program and past/present are all filed and viewed in quick synchronization from the moment I open my eyes. The words 'regret' and 'sadness' cease to take on individualized meaning; it's like drowning -- you no longer 'blame' water because you are engulfed by water inside and out.

[Surfer203]

Poetic man.. brilliant. I know the feeling exactly. It will end eventually, keep pressing on and be strong.

[worldgonewrong]

Poetic man.. brilliant. I know the feeling exactly. It will end eventually, keep pressing on and be strong.

 

I'm trying, bro. thank you.

Coffee helps.

 

One more Debbie-Downer moment though:

Today is my son's birthday.

I wish my wife understood the grinding heartache of not being able to wake up in the same house as my boy on his birthday.

This is the first birthday morning where I haven't been there.

I wish she understood that my family is more than gold to me.

 

ah well. we had a good phone chat this morning (early!) and I'll see him this afternoon. But it's not the same thing, y'know.

 

~shake of the head~

[Surfer203]

Ahh.. that's sad but you will have time with him. Just another thing to adjust to I guess. No matter what, you are still has Dad, there in the morning or not. Enjoy his birthday with him later!

 

Regarding your avatar photo... Don't let Louis CK be your role model, haha. He is the world's biggest sad sack. Love the guy though, hilarious.

[debtman]

Yeah, that's one of the hardest things...wait until Christmas...ugg...

 

Well, just remember. This was not your decision. You no longer have control over your "family" as it was. NOW, you have control over your NEW family, whatever shape that takes. Your son will love his birthday time with you, whenever you celebrate.

 

The end of the relationship part gets easier, but I don't know if the end of the "family" does. There's just no replacement for time missed with your kids, but you've got to focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.

 

Good luck and keep posting....

[worldgonewrong]

Thanks, Surfer203 and debtman. As always, you guys are solid.

 

Surfer203: hahaha! Louis CK and I are roughly the same age, which means I'm too old to regard him as a role model. But his show is a great catharsis.

 

So update:

Last night, between work gigs, I stopped by the house to personally wish the boy a happy birthday. What struck me as really sad was that this was the first birthday in which the dining room/living room area had not been done up with balloons and streamers. EVERY year since he'd been little, I'd done this task so that he would wake up to see something a little magical and give his birthday a boost. The wife had sadly neglected this task.

Part of me wants to say/write something to her about it; the other part thinks, "Screw it" as it will be dismissed/ignored out of hand. But dang...I felt so sad for him. That part was conspicuous by its absence.

[debtman]

wgw, yeah, sad to see old traditions get hosed for the kids because one of the parents isn't willing to either ask for help or step up and take care of it.

 

Sounds like you need to run some streamers and decorations at your place the next time he comes over and have a party for him.

 

I wouldn't even bother with a note or anything. It will just be seen as an attack on her parenting.

 

In time, your son will pick up on stuff like that himself.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Surfer203]

Good thinking debtman!

[worldgonewrong]

update:

 

well, I have a sorta/kinda "date" with a female friend tonight. We go back a long way, with our family-friend history linked together. I'm excited & nervous about it. She initiated this enthusiastically, hanging out and talking with a little wine.

 

I spoke with my best friend last night about this, and expressed my nervousness and sort of guilt feelings about this, as I'm still married. He was quick to remind me, calmly and rationally, that we'd been separated now for about 9 months and that my wife has made no overtures to change anything, and he also added that we were no longer a "union" and hadn't been now for a good long time because of this separation. So he dispelled my guilty feelings.

 

anyway, there it is.

[Surfer203]

Awesome man, have a great time on the date! Your friend is right, you are a free man and don't owe your ex anything. Enjoy your life, you did all you could and now it is time for you to take it back for yourself.

[worldgonewrong]

Saw my wife last night when I dropped the kids off after trick-or-treating.

 

Here's the thing I realized:

 

she LOOKS beautiful, physically. She's been exercising for the first time in forever, and she's more appearance-conscious now.

 

BUT...when I look past her looks, I see someone who has a lot of junk in her head that she has to sort out. I see someone really vulnerable and putting on a VERY fragile confidence-front.

 

I've had the fantasy of hugging her again (which won't happen) but then the fantasy always ends with me shrinking away and reacting as if I've been scalded.

 

I discovered I'm really not...attracted to her right now - which was a profound awakening.

[worldgonewrong]

In another thread elsewhere, I recently wrote this:

Found a drawing of a map my little daughter had drawn, with all these roads & stuff (wildly inaccurate, of course) - and what BROKE ME DOWN was the house labeled "my house" and the other one labeled "Dad's house".

 

update on that - in the context of a broader email (basic stuff, not relationship-related) - I did scan and send her the jpeg of the drawing.

 

She COMPLETELY did not acknowledge it. She's cold, alien, horrible.

How can anyone NOT be moved by that drawing?

 

I don't wish ill on anybody, but sheesh, I hope she some day gets a GOOD HEFTY DOSE of the utter misery she's wrought.

[Majkl]

I dread that day when it happens to me.

[Lis007]

I have only read the back page... but just because she didn't acknowledge anything with you regarding the picture anything doesn't mean she didn't feel anything.

[worldgonewrong]

Majkl: well, if it happens, just know that it's like jumping through fire: you DO reach the other side. Maybe a little charred. But you make the jump.

 

Lis007: good point. true.

 

update of sorts -

Volunteered to bus up after work & take the kids out to dinner (since our usual night, tonight, is out). I mentioned I could hang out for "a little bit" at the house with the kids after. She immediately shut that down - "that's *not* a good option".

~sigh~

So I wrote back (knowing that she's now home with the kids after school),

"Get off the computer now and BE with them, instead of plotting ways to shut me down."

 

I can't take the insanity, man.

Ceaseless, endless, like water-torture on my skull.

 

I'm a praying man, and I wish the Lord would give me some 'sign' of something, of relief, of redemption, of salvation. I don't want Life to be perfect and blink backwards, but JEEEZ.

 

I make friends pretty easily, y'know, and the ONE PERSON in the universe who treats me like public-enemy-#1 is this woman I've known for most of my life.

INSANE.

[marqueemoon4]

When they stop caring they really STOP CARING. Pretty cruel behavior, I don't know how people can act that way. Hang in there brotha.

[worldgonewrong]

Hang in there brotha.

 

Back at ya, my man.

[jaymz]

When they stop caring they really STOP CARING. Pretty cruel behavior, I don't know how people can act that way. Hang in there brotha.

 

I don't know either, Insane!

[dreamingoftigers]

Jeepers, when is my "not caring" switch going to flip?

 

Sorry to hear some of your troubles WGW.

[worldgonewrong]

DOT: I'm maintaing, amiga.

 

Here's the thing -

I just reviewed my journal from late November 2010 to present, and I've come to realize - in reading how I poured out my thoughts early on, and so forth - how I just... don't give a fark like I used to about certain things pertaining to her.

 

I can go back & review what I've written and I'm like, "Man, I'd NEVER do that now or I'd NEVER react that way now." Case in point, with emotional twinges or feelings of trying to convey my thoughts on an emotional level (however small) are just reduced to nothing. I find myself shrugging my shoulders and letting it go. It's like I can project the next 5 steps that would ensue from any initiation and I think, "Worth more hassle and heartache than it's worth. Movin' on!"

 

Today's been a tough day, thinking about the upcoming holidays and also the past (always the past), but after reviewing my journal, I saw how far I'd come and that sort of, in a small way, was liberating.

[worldgonewrong]

post-thanksgiving update:

 

a) I realized, looking back on 1 year (this time last yr marriage was going to hell & I was in hell from the suffering), I'm in a better place emotionally and physically and spiritually right now. Life ain't easy, but I can look back and see that I've MADE IT THROUGH so far.

 

b) brief trauma story that happened the night before thanksgiving:

I happen to be at a friend's relative's house a block from my wife's. I get a phonecall from our son as he's seen something scary on tv

(he's home alone for a brief bit as wife & daughter are out for wife's yoga and whatnot), and he's distressed. I ask him if he called mom, and he said that he did but that he would have to wait until she buys some shoes and hangs up; he tried calling her back but got not response. Long and short of it, I go over there to console him and I let her know. She's pissed beyond belief that I'm in the house, as she's set up this arbitrary rule in her head about my presence there when she's not there (point: I never go over there AT ALL anyway unless to pick up/drop off the kids); plus I pay the rent/gas-elec, all bills, and my name's on the lease. When she returns with daughter in tow, she starts reaming me out on the porch -- no "thanks for being there for our son...'cause I selfishly put him off to buy shoes". Our voices escalate and then she whips out her cell to call the cops (!). I didn't raise my kids to be put in the middle of Jerry-Springer-esque bull and did not want to traumatize them with cops showing up, so I wrested the phone from her. Screams, cries, the whole bit - you would have thought I was beating her up. The kicker? Our son followed me down the block and did not want to go with mom, so my best friend picked us up and he spent the night at our mutual best friend's. My son KNEW what she was doing and wanted no part of it. But God, it was terrible. Definitely woke the whole block up, made a few people come outside - total embarrassment.

When I got to my best friend's, I emailed her, her mother, my folks, our best friends to let them know the score in calm, level recounting. I will not be screwed for having heeded the call of our son in distress when SHE put him off.

The fall-out was that she blocked me from seeing the kids for the past 2 days, although I talked to them at night. But I let the kids know it was mom's decision as I did not want the kids to think I was blowing them off, which she'd be happy to let them think if it got her off the hook for any responsibility.

 

At this point, I am head over heels READY for a divorce come early 2012 (as our state will not allow us to file any earlier). She is certifiable. I feel sorry for her that she can't see what a mess she's making of everything, but that's no longer my concern; the kids are my concern.

 

Also, the boom's going down quickly in stages -- from now on the Verizon bill is her responsibility. (The audacity of her threatening to call the cops on me from a phone that I bought, for the service I pay for. The audacity of her pulling up in a car that I pay for and cover insurance-wise. And the audacity of her setting up this thing in her mind about my presence in that house which again I pay for.) It's about to get real. Enough is enough.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. on the upside, I am seeing the kids today for about 4 hours.

I proposed it and she accepted it.

Part of her accepting it was because our son HARANGUED her.

[worldgonewrong]

Sidebar mini-rant:

 

This has nothing directly to do with my thread (maybe a bit it does), but with various threads I've read on here. I know I'll probably be eviscerated for my take, but I'm willing to discuss it if need be. Here goes -

 

I keep reading this logic/model that (paraphrasing countless posts which say this) "when a woman leaves the marriage, she has thought long and hard about it & emotionally detached or left the marriage in her mind long before the boom falls. It's just the man is too slow on the uptake to see this."

 

Let me just punch holes in the above:

1) just because the woman has thought long & hard about it does NOT MEAN IN ANY WAY that her thinking is sound. One can think long and hard in a delusional, selfish way.

 

I hate the presupposition that the 'thinking time' is equated to a deep, soundproof action that somehow signifies correct organizational thought.

sometimes it is, sometimes it ISN'T.

 

2) The man is not always slow on the uptake. It's also because the woman refuses to communicate. And don't hand me this baloney that "oh, she tried" - sometimes they just DON'T. If the situation is reversed, the man is quickly condemned for being closed-off. If a woman is closed-off, then there's somehow justifiable cause.

 

/off my soapbox. And DISCLAIMER: this does not apply to all women and all men.

[marqueemoon4]

Needless to say drama queen ex wives only care for themselves, so there is no point in trying to reason with them. They know no matter how psychopathic and ridiculous they're acting they can always get sympathy from cops. You should've just quietly left.

[andyg99]

I keep reading this logic/model that (paraphrasing countless posts which say this) "when a woman leaves the marriage, she has thought long and hard about it & emotionally detached or left the marriage in her mind long before the boom falls. It's just the man is too slow on the uptake to see this."

 

Let me just punch holes in the above:

1) just because the woman has thought long & hard about it does NOT MEAN IN ANY WAY that her thinking is sound. One can think long and hard in a delusional, selfish way.

 

 

I agree to a point - their decision is not sound in OUR view, in their heads they believe their life is so miserable that ending a marriage or having an affair or both make perfect sense... what we have to do (those of us who have been "thrown away" like yesterday's trash) is to accept their decision and let them go, their life is and always had been their own, the letting go part is hard because it makes us really look at ourselves. Over time the healthy thing to do is use a breakup to change ourselves for the better.

 

Those early days are tough though - some of the dumpees have little or no contact, sometimes because of kids there is minimal contact - sometimes that contact is cold and sometimes we hear stuff like "I still care about you" or "I hope we can still be friends" which can only f-up ones head more than it already is.

 

So my message is still this - to all who are still hurting it WILL get better! It takes some work and some faith believing that you will be WAY better off without them. These are people who do not want us in their life, let them go and whether they live happily ever after or they continue to lead a sad miserable life shouldn't concern us anymore....