Through the Separation Jungle

[jaymz]

I hear you.

 

I have the kids for xmas morning this year which I am very pleased about. No doubt a fight next year but I am hoping to have them for christmas day eve, boxing day and new year. fingers crossed!

[updown]

i know where you are :-( and i'm sorry. last year christmas fell on HIS weekend, and we hadn't worked out a specific holiday schedule. so, he had the kids. he didn't ask if i wanted to see them any part of the weekend and if i had asked he would have shot me down flat. so, i didn't see them eve or day and it was rough.

 

my saving grace was knowing that i would have them this year. eve and day. and i do. last year the kids and i celebrated three kings day, which is in january. i wrapped up all their gifts from me and it was like christmas morning all over again. we discussed how dec. 25th doesn't have to be THE ONLY DAY. most people who celebrate christmas use that day as the day Christ was born, but it was chosen by the Roman Catholic church. you can make your christmas morning any day you like really. it's meant to symbolize birth and peace, and good will. and you can do that with your children any day. :-)

 

you could do a HUGE celebration with them jan 1. marking a new life, a new beginning, hope, peace, love, etc with them. start your own NEW traditions!!!

 

it sucks. i know. it does get better though.

 

HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!

[debtman]

wgw,

 

I feel your pain. Last year I went over to our marital home (where my stbx was still living at the time) before the kids got up and we did Christmas morning together. This year, she has Christmas and is taking the kids out of town from the 22nd-27th. I get them for New Years, the 28th-2nd, which makes up for some of that. However, I know that next year, I get them on Christmas...of course, being the bigger person, I'll probably invite stbx over so we can do it together...for the sake of the kids.

 

I'm bartending the night of the 24th, will be with my parents Christmas morning and then back to the bar Christmas night for the "Secret Santa" exchange. So, I'll have fun and will be with friends, but won't be with the kids...gotta make the most of what you have...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[worldgonewrong]

jaymz: well, y'know, a year from now you might not be fighting. Sometimes a long stretch of time can heal things in their own weird way.

 

updown: hugs to you & thank you for your encouraging, enthusiastic words. Beautifully put, reminding me of the true heart of one's faith (I happen to be a Christian too). LOVE to you.

 

debtman: I feel you, brother. Man, I'd love to be the lucky person behind the bar where you're bartending -- although you probably don't like getting your ear chewed off. But you're one of the good guys.

 

***

 

update:

last night she texted me, says she's working tomorrow and then has to find the time w/o kids to do some last-minute Christmas stuff; would I mind having them for dinner (at my parents' house)?

And you KNOW I always want to be with my kids. And it's in my nature to try and smooth and fix things.

But this time?

I texted back that I couldn't. This was the woman who just 2 weeks ago sent my ass to court. And now she's asking me for a favor. And I could never in a million years ask HER for a favor. I felt sad for her, but it's the life she's chosen and she's gotta figure it out. I'd be inclined to be Mr. Flexible in an instance like this, but there's got to be give-and-take. With her, it's all 'take'.

[BrettLost]

WGW,

 

Sorry man, been quiet for awhile. My xmas/new years routine is the same as yours. I also feel cut this will be the first xmas waking up alone.

 

Even though I know she expects me to have them 'new years' cos my social life isnt as active and flowering as hers, deep down I know my time with them has more value and rewards than what she gains from her social life.

[jaymz]

jaymz: well, y'know, a year from now you might not be fighting. Sometimes a long stretch of time can heal things in their own weird way.

 

LOL. Doubt it, this will be for next 15 years.

 

last night she texted me, says she's working tomorrow and then has to find the time w/o kids to do some last-minute Christmas stuff; would I mind having them for dinner (at my parents' house)?

And you KNOW I always want to be with my kids. And it's in my nature to try and smooth and fix things.

But this time?

I texted back that I couldn't. This was the woman who just 2 weeks ago sent my ass to court. And now she's asking me for a favor. And I could never in a million years ask HER for a favor. I felt sad for her, but it's the life she's chosen and she's gotta figure it out. I'd be inclined to be Mr. Flexible in an instance like this, but there's got to be give-and-take. With her, it's all 'take'.

 

This is the hard part. Saying no so your not a crutch anymore vs having more time with kids. This is where they have us over a barrel, they know we want to spend time with the kids and use that for their own gains, or if we dare so no, pull out the poor father card BS again.

[jaymz]

WGW,

 

Sorry man, been quiet for awhile. My xmas/new years routine is the same as yours. I also feel cut this will be the first xmas waking up alone.

 

Even though I know she expects me to have them 'new years' cos my social life isnt as active and flowering as hers, deep down I know my time with them has more value and rewards than what she gains from her social life.

 

I am similar to you Brett in the sense that I put "all eggs one basket" with the family and friends. Now she has turn the mutual ones against me I find myself starting all over again with a blank social life and a couple of really good friends - something she will quite happily throw in my face as if its something badly wrong while she is out having "fun" all the time.

 

While we were together we didnt go out a lot as a couple, something was always taking our time, like money, kids, family dramas etc. At the time it didnt bother me that much because I knew that starting a family would limit our time together and was prepared for that, I just dont think she did. Now she lots of free time for "fun", I hope it was worth it.

[worldgonewrong]

Brettlost & jaymz (and others) - do you ever just hit those walls where you wake up in the morning, and you can't effin' BELIEVE this is your life now? I hit one this morning. The horror of it makes me weepy uncontrollably and almost ill from the waking nightmare.

[russell1968]

Brettlost & jaymz (and others) - do you ever just hit those walls where you wake up in the morning, and you can't effin' BELIEVE this is your life now? I hit one this morning. The horror of it makes me weepy uncontrollably and almost ill from the waking nightmare.

 

Yes i do! At least once a week! i think "wow" My kids are growing up in a broken home, and if i think about how **** things really are i would be paralyzed, so i pit it to the back of mind and push forward!

[macmillerpwnz]

I have only been going through my separation for a month now. My wife though seems like she is ready to get a divorce. It seems as if I am chasing her then she will keep me around on a string, but If I show I am not chasing her she will act hard and try to push further for splitting up. I couldn't handle the grey area any longer and started ignoring her instead of chasing. Now she has papers she needs me to sign and no longer wants me to spend time with our daughter together on christmas, she just wants me to have my own xmas with her. I feel so alone... and reading this thread makes me realize what I have to look forward to once this thing drags out longer..... =/ so depressing..

[worldgonewrong]

russell- I'm usually pretty good about putting it in the back of my mind; guess the holidays (a FAMILY time) make everything bubble up to the surface. It's like a panic, almost.

 

macmillerpwnz - if I can give you one piece of advice, brother, that is to prepare yourself mentally for the long haul. Realize that you're going to have good days and bad days. Nothing you want will necessarily be 'perfect' either. And lastly, read the various threads on her studiously; absorb what similar men have written and logged here. Debtman (among others) is a TERRIFIC example of a man who has emerged from the other side. He's got his sh_t straight, his mind focused, and...well, you can just learn a lot from him. Above all else - take it day to day. that's all you can do, really.

[jstobo]

russell- I'm usually pretty good about putting it in the back of my mind; guess the holidays (a FAMILY time) make everything bubble up to the surface. It's like a panic, almost.

 

macmillerpwnz - if I can give you one piece of advice, brother, that is to prepare yourself mentally for the long haul. Realize that you're going to have good days and bad days. Nothing you want will necessarily be 'perfect' either. And lastly, read the various threads on her studiously; absorb what similar men have written and logged here. Debtman (among others) is a TERRIFIC example of a man who has emerged from the other side. He's got his sh_t straight, his mind focused, and...well, you can just learn a lot from him. Above all else - take it day to day. that's all you can do, really.

 

Yes macmillerpwnz: the next year will be difficult. Its the year of firsts. First Xmas alone, first new years, first anniversary apart etc. etc. But as each one passes you get to click them off and know you survived. My STBX left me 9 months ago for her new man. I cried and cried and cried. Wrote on this site. Read books. Saw a therapist. Worked out. It seemed nothing was helping though. I still couldn't sleep and I would lash out at her at any given chance. Suddenly, about a month ago I started feeling a little better. I started seeing the positives more than the negatives. I started realizing my times with the kids were much better. I realized financially I was going to be OK and possibly better off. I started noticing how attractive other women were. But it has been a process. I didn't mask pain with another woman or alcohol. I lived and felt the pain. I think I'm better, sooner, for it.

 

You, worldgonewrong, russell, jaymz, MM4, Brett etc. etc. WILL BE BETTER. You will smile again. Debtman is not the only one who has found a better place. We'll be reading your thread one day about your happiness. You'll be posting on other broken men's thread about how you got through it.

[jaymz]

Brettlost & jaymz (and others) - do you ever just hit those walls where you wake up in the morning, and you can't effin' BELIEVE this is your life now? I hit one this morning. The horror of it makes me weepy uncontrollably and almost ill from the waking nightmare.

 

All the time. I get moments or sometimes when I wake up, where I just cannot believe this is happening to me. It was much harder in the beginning, I saw her everyday, life was "normal" for the kids, but I watch her get dressed up and go out to be with scumbag.

 

Yeah, when it happens I have a really bad day. Sometimes I can do things to push on through, othertimes I just lay in bed and hope it was all a bad dream.

 

I think I am better dealing with things now but I never thought this would happen. I remember having a conversation with STBXW about starting a family and she promised that we would be together forever with our perfect little family. Even wrote that on last years Christmas card, after she started sleeping around.

 

FML

[jaymz]

You, worldgonewrong, russell, jaymz, MM4, Brett etc. etc. WILL BE BETTER. You will smile again. Debtman is not the only one who has found a better place. We'll be reading your thread one day about your happiness. You'll be posting on other broken men's thread about how you got through it.

 

One day, maybe soon, maybe later. But I certainly don't feel that optimistic.

[BrettLost]

Something that brings up bad days for me is when people expect you to be through it by now. Not only that, but soaking up the single life like u just hit puberty.

 

Some men would actually behave this way, disregarding their responsibilities to the family they created and being "reborn" or whatever.

 

I am not this. All of u seem to be the same. Once u have a family and tie into it, thats it. Annoying that generally, people dont get how hard it is to walk away mentally from that role u once played.

 

Such a delicate balance between 'that' role, and finding happiness within our new life, single with kids.

[marqueemoon4]

Something that brings up bad days for me is when people expect you to be through it by now. Not only that, but soaking up the single life like u just hit puberty.

 

Some men would actually behave this way, disregarding their responsibilities to the family they created and being "reborn" or whatever.

 

I am not this. All of u seem to be the same. Once u have a family and tie into it, thats it. Annoying that generally, people dont get how hard it is to walk away mentally from that role u once played.

 

Such a delicate balance between 'that' role, and finding happiness within our new life, single with kids.

 

No one except those who have suffered through it will understand.

[worldgonewrong]

All told, Christmas was pretty darn good. Not perfect, BUT the kids rated it as "great" and that's all that matters to me.

 

STBXW was unusually - I mean, REALLY unusually - texty with me this past week. Suddenly I'm getting photos from her of the kids n' such, suddenly I'm getting a whole spate of text-messages filling me in on doings -- the kind of texts that a husband would expect to receive if he were married to a committed woman. I tell ya, it f_cked with my head. But I either did not respond to 99% of them, or I kept my replies really succinct (like "nice!" to one of them). I...what the hell is this, y'know?

 

Anyway, I had a reinforced reminder - on a bigger level - that you gotta just play the cards you're dealt. Last night my dad had to go to the hospital yet again (he's got a whole host of medical issues) but he's OK today (still in hospital). My point being is, I had to be there in the clutch; I was grateful for the opportunity to be THAT person for my mom. And, at the risk of being cliche, you only get x-number days of Life, so you gotta make the most of them. I'm wording all of this so terribly, but it's just a reminder of what's really important -- all the other b.s./head-games/misery re marriage, well, you gotta play it through. Separation/divorce has the effect of making things seem so "micro" in one's head, and then you realize there's a whole BIG, HUGE picture surrounding this, and sometimes that micro stuff isn't even worth thinking about.

[Steen719]

Separation/divorce has the effect of making things seem so "micro" in one's head, and then you realize there's a whole BIG, HUGE picture surrounding this, and sometimes that micro stuff isn't even worth thinking about.

 

I had this sort of epiphany today. I won't t/j about why, but I understand what you mean; I really do! I have been so embroiled in all of this for so long that when I stepped out of why, why, why, I thought to myself "wow, I can start a new life that is happy"...I know that sounds simple, but I have so much that I can be grateful for..family and friends who would help me in a heartbeat and a son who loves me and appreciates me and I can have some peace again in the future. I am grateful for it and once away from my situation, I know I will have a lot of what I need to be happy. Best wishes for your Dad's health. One of my wishes, if I was granted any, is that my Dad was still alive.

Edited December 29, 2011 by Steen719

[worldgonewrong]

Steen: Thanks for the kind wishes; I send my prayers to your Dad now with God.

 

Just to piggyback on your thoughts- we're still standing. Each day we wake up and it's a potential blank slate to work from. Some days are f_cking awful, and they're filled with painful, almost-paralyzing reminders of the past. But the past gets distant with each day. It's like looking through a rear-view mirror while driving. You remember, but you're no longer there, at that place in the past, thank God.

[worldgonewrong]

An astute & emotional piece by Steadfast that originally appeared in the 'Coping' section:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190770/

[worldgonewrong]

Update:

As it's a year on, and I've back waaaay off, I wrote her a last-ditch, impassioned, lengthy email appealing to her sense of family.

I received a terse reply of 'No' and that she filed for divorce last week and that all along she has stated we would never get back together.

Initially sort of crushed, but then realized I've gone a whole YEAR without her. So...not unexpected, but still...you build a wealth of memories, and this is the sum total. Crazy, and sad.

 

At least I can clearly see the path I'm walking down now, without any lingering hope/ambiguity in my tortured mind.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. truth be told, I'll bet dollars to donuts that some 'boyfriend' will emerge from the shadows the minute we all sign on the dotted line.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's actually sounded like that for awhile.

[worldgonewrong]

It's actually sounded like that for awhile.

 

yep.

it's so f_cked in the head. I don't understand the mindset; never will.

 

"Goodbye 20 years - hey, hello, new unfamiliar attachment!"

 

I feel like I've been squeezed like a sponge, and now that I'm wrung dry, it's time for her to move on and wring someone else. terrible, just terrible.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. mind you - I'm extrapolating.

But its fits: the mad rush/insistence to do this without ANY discussion whatsoever about our own relationship; sneaky stuff; more image-consciousness; putting herself first before the kids, etc.