Through the Separation Jungle

[dreamingoftigers]

D.O.T. - ha, exactly! People like this never reciprocate and they can't understand why others around them eventually burn out on good will.

 

It seems that they think "feeling really bad" about doing jack-shot to reciprocate is reciprocating.

 

Or that because you occupy a certain spot in their life that they don't HAVE to reciprocate.

 

My "friend" is a prime example of that. She expected the world from her husband including being supported full-time etc because he "was her husband."

 

They she expected it from all of her friends because "they're her friends."

 

BUT if she couldn't give any form of return it was either YOUR fault for some reason (she lived with me rent-free for four months last year, don't get me started, I'll fill 20 pages). OR "I'm really sorry I can't afford/have time blah blah blah, which is OKAY when it's TRUE. But often it was just shill for "I need to buy lots and lots of clothes and beer and spend lots of time partying next door because "I never get a break from my constant lie around and drink all

day break."

 

Truly, there was something unresolved from my mother in that friendship that I'm glad I set better boundaries on and confronted her point-blank when she moved and didn't come back to clean up her disgusting, disgusting mess. She reminded me a lot of my Mom (except it's actually my Dad that is the alcoholic).

 

I mean, whatever, she "felt bad" but that in no way recouped any time or money for me ever. Plus when she lived next door, I paid her to babysit (decently too before I realized I wouldn't want her watching my kid. She was a friend of my h's and he has trusted her.) she treated it like she had done us a HUGE favor. I used to babysit for free her 2 bratty kids and pay her to babysit my less than one year old child, and somehow she got the "raw" end of that.

 

Unreal. They just can't see past their feelings of mild inconvenience. It something doesn't "feel" 110% wonderful it means that someone is "hurting" them and that they are the only people on the planet suffering. No perspective, none.

 

It was a big LOL when she left her ex (after sleeping with his brother). She thought she was going to get: child support, the 2010 car they bought and he would have to make payments on it, alimony (they were married less than 2 years before she took off with another man and moved in with him), rent money from her ex. She even left the kids with him for 3 months and thought she was getting all of that. Unreal.

 

Of course he's an idiot too. He had an excellent shot at getting full custody and child support from HER (if she could hold a job long enough) but she met the best friend of the new boyfriend and moved in here instead after bf threw her out. Then the ex-h dropped the kids altogether and thinks he'll get shared custody. Not likely at this point. Her new bf covers everything. He's got a wicked temper too. Punched out his own windshield because he got mad one night. Lucky, lucky kids.

[worldgonewrong]

I have this deluded fantasy that my STBX would one day come across this site and stumble upon my thread -- so allow me to hypothetically vent to her:

 

1. I know why you acted cold/distant/strange/mean-spirited for 4 months before you showed me the door.

2. I read the little pieces of paper/tucked-away notes to yourself. I didn't want to believe what I was seeing, but now I know.

3. I now know why you couldn't make eye-contact with my mother, who diligently babysat our kids after school a couple days a week. GUILT.

4. I now know why you cut out our mutual best friends out of your life. GUILT.

5. I swallowed too much of your bullsh*t for too long and you seemed to revel in torturing me. I will never forget Christmas Eve night when the kids went to bed. You were wrapping gifts and you walked by me and tossed my unwrapped gift in my lap with a disgusted sigh. And then Christmas morning, in front of our sweet kids, you wouldn't even open the gift I'd given you.

6. I know why you became preoccupied with your appearance again, as if you were 19 years old again. You aren't. You're 41. You're not a young woman anymore. Deal. I would still think you're beautiful even if your teeth fell out and you went bald, but not anymore; it's character that is beautiful, and yours is uglier than any physical imperfections.

7. I know you have put your selfishness ahead of your kids many, many times; you think you pulled it off, but it's easy to betray young ones who don't have the intellectual wherewithall to fight for themselves. That's cowardice, baby, no matter how slickly/sneakily done.

8. You repaid my trust and unconditional love with a sadistic zeal -- everytime I resurfaced, like a drowning man with arms raised, you would bash me with an oar emotionally.

9. I am stronger than you. I see that now. You diminished me for years, and then self-projected about the very thing that you were doing to me.

10. You make me nauseous every time I chance upon a photo of you (which is rare now). You took the path of superficiality. Let's see how long that sustains you.

11. You might as well have put a gun to my head for the trauma you've caused me. The wonder of it is, the ghost - my real self - still remains. And it's only now that I can see I'm not the ugliest human being on the planet (physically/character-wise) that you made me out to be.

12. You have sown the seeds of your own self-destruction. I can only sit back and watch.

Edited August 21, 2012 by worldgonewrong

[GreenPolicy]

Just some random notes for myself and for others, as I try to make sense of the past and how the signs were there (that she was unstable)...

 

As had been said before on other, wiser threads: when choosing a mate, look at the level of dysfunction that they've come from. That's a huge indicator in many cases.

 

My wife did not come from a loving home, re her nuclear family.

1. Her parents split when she was 4 or 5. Her mother was completely blindsided by her dad waking up one day and wanting a divorce. (Wonder if wife sees her following her wayward father's trail?)

2. Her father was a falling-down drunk. When he had my wife along as a child on weekends, he would frequently pull over to the side of the road to throw up.

3. Her mother re-married an alcoholic, pot-addicted angry guy with a temper like Bluto. (He LOOKS like Bluto, but bald.) This stepfather was very abusive -- tales of him (a) walking around with his dick outside his boxers, (b) throwing my wife across the room, © watching p0rn in close range of her as a child, and (d) sometimes she would wake up in the middle of the night and he'd be standing over her bed silently, creepily breathing.

4. ironically, he cleaned up his act a couple years ago and is now a platitude-spewing 'I've seen the light' a_hole who STILL doesn't regard his stepdaughter as 'his problem'.

5. Ironically, when he was admitted to a dry-out clinic, his wife (my m-in-law) visited us and used me as a shoulder to cry on, which I did gladly. And when this marital stuff hit the fan w/wife and me, my m-in-law vanished. does not and would not reciprocate.

6. But to back up - my wife tells tales of when she was a child, and her mom and stepdad would be in their bedroom, door locked, getting high as kites. One night, wife went to their door in total agony from a migraine, and they refused to come out.

7. In freshman year of college, when she came 'home' for Christmas, they announced that they'd gotten her a tiny apartment -- the message being: your home is not with us. She was shelled by this move.

8. Wife was extremely promiscuous before we met, and it was a vicious cycle - low self-esteem numbed by promiscuity and back to low self-esteem again.

9. Her mom lives a couple states away, an easy drive, but she sees her daughter and grandkids AT BEST about 3 times a year. Tops.

10. Her mom never dirties her hands with the ugliness/toughness of her daughter's life, but will be the first person there to knock back a glass of wine when the dust settles. She's selfish as hell. She has NEVER put her daughter first. M-in-law's personal comfort always comes first. And then she has the audacity to act like nobody ever helped her, which is baloney.

 

So this is the exciting cocktail from which my wife sprung.

 

So what does this add up to?

She finally met someone - me - who loved her unconditionally, as flawed as I am,

and she did not know how to deal with it. In the end, I am paying for the sins of the fathers (step and biological), my m-in-law is vicariously relishing that AT LAST some perverse 'justice' is being meted out even though I was never the enemy (her two husbands were), and my wife gets to dump me before I would (and I wouldn't, but that's her abandonment issues at the raw surface).

And now...she's in her early 40's, apparently promiscuous again, and mentally walled-off to genuine love/emotion/truth, just like she was when she was in her freshman year of college. Except there's our two children involved now, and we're not getting any younger.

The one credo she lives by, by action, is that you're either for her or against her. Complete black-and-white thinking. Any criticism, no matter how constructive, has ALWAYS been wounding to her.

According to everyone close to the situation, they firmly believe that she is going to 'hit a wall'. That nobody is there to keep her in check with reality, that her actions cause other people harm, and her lies hurt others as well. Without any sort of moral barometers in her life, she's like a train going over a cliff now. And we can all see it happening, but she can't.

 

It's taken me a year and a half (plus) to come 'round to the idea that she has to hit rock bottom for herself. I've done everything I can, but it's out of my hands. The best I can do is protect my kids and support them and encourage them. But she's learning, by degrees, that when you eschew unconditional, real love, you're opting for superficiality which won't be there to support you when the nitty-gritty goes down.

 

Your wife sounds like textbook BPD.

[worldgonewrong]

Your wife sounds like textbook BPD.

 

Yup. I've come to see that now.

[worldgonewrong]

Booyah!

 

 

Every cheating spouse should see this.

[jaymz]

Nice vid, wont change a thing though...

[worldgonewrong]

update - You gotta love the presumptuousness of Fogged-Out Affair Wives.

Simply put, I live at my parents. It's their home. Usually I have the kids on the weekends, but on VERY RARE weekends, I can't -- owing to my parents' wishes, which I understand (it's not my house).

I informed stbx of this via email, and that though we couldn't do sleepover, I could see the kids all during the day.

She immediately responded that we have an agreement that I have the kids to sleep over. (No we don't. She booted me out of the house *I* pay for and wrote the rules) and that she would make sure the kids had their sleeping stuff when I come to get the car on friday. WOW. Presumptuous. Which is code for: I need the kids to sleep over because I need to sleep with my f*ckbuddy, er, soulmate, whatever.

I wrote her back patiently that this is my parents' house, not mine, so NO.

And also informed her that I had cc'd my lawyer in this reply, as further proof how she aggressively gets rid of the kids to do her mysterious sleepovers elsewhere. (She doesn't think I'm wise to her. And I didn't put it in those direct words, I left it open as my lawyer doesn't want me playing the 'adultery card' yet.)

My reply SHUT HER UP.

I'll let her chew on that. I kept it above-board, my reply in full view of my lawyer. I'm sure she didn't like that. She probably sees some communication as 'under the radar', such as bullying me into bend when I can't - thus inconveniencing her cheating time.

The woman I loved, I don't recognize. She's dead to me. This new person is a lying, cheating whore who will take everything from me, accept no responsibility, cut out deep friendships/relationships for her own selfish pursuits, and generally LIE her ass off. It takes my breath away. Makes me want to vomit.

 

thanks for letting me rant. again.

[karnak]

update - You gotta love the presumptuousness of Fogged-Out Affair Wives.

Simply put, I live at my parents. It's their home. Usually I have the kids on the weekends, but on VERY RARE weekends, I can't -- owing to my parents' wishes, which I understand (it's not my house).

I informed stbx of this via email, and that though we couldn't do sleepover, I could see the kids all during the day.

She immediately responded that we have an agreement that I have the kids to sleep over. (No we don't. She booted me out of the house *I* pay for and wrote the rules) and that she would make sure the kids had their sleeping stuff when I come to get the car on friday. WOW. Presumptuous. Which is code for: I need the kids to sleep over because I need to sleep with my f*ckbuddy, er, soulmate, whatever.

I wrote her back patiently that this is my parents' house, not mine, so NO.

And also informed her that I had cc'd my lawyer in this reply, as further proof how she aggressively gets rid of the kids to do her mysterious sleepovers elsewhere. (She doesn't think I'm wise to her. And I didn't put it in those direct words, I left it open as my lawyer doesn't want me playing the 'adultery card' yet.)

My reply SHUT HER UP.

I'll let her chew on that. I kept it above-board, my reply in full view of my lawyer. I'm sure she didn't like that. She probably sees some communication as 'under the radar', such as bullying me into bend when I can't - thus inconveniencing her cheating time.

The woman I loved, I don't recognize. She's dead to me. This new person is a lying, cheating whore who will take everything from me, accept no responsibility, cut out deep friendships/relationships for her own selfish pursuits, and generally LIE her ass off. It takes my breath away. Makes me want to vomit.

 

thanks for letting me rant. again.

 

Just a question out of curiosity:

 

do you think she became that way because of the "affair fog" or do you think that deep down you're seeing her true character?

[worldgonewrong]

Just a question out of curiosity:

 

do you think she became that way because of the "affair fog" or do you think that deep down you're seeing her true character?

 

Good question, karnak.

I genuinely don't know. There has literally been a seismic change in her personality. She is literally like this Other Person. Like, Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Mutual friends who knew her, as well as my parents, don't recognize this person. She used to have values, used to be attentive and empathetic and generous.

The new person is just a cold-hearted totally-soulless narcissist.

 

So maybe, hm, yeah, I think it could be "affair fog"-motivated. As someone else said, the addiction is like a crackhead and addicts will sell their own grandmother for another fix.

[worldgonewrong]

update- she emailed back to me, and like a wacko cc'd my lawyer and her lawyer. (Lawyers generally advise NOT to cc the other party's lawyer, by the way. A big no-no.)

She tallied up the 'hours' that I spend with the kids typically and basically questioned how I'm going to cover that. BRAZEN. She's so mad that I'm preventing her from sleeping with her f*ckbuddy this weekend. I love it. I could go on vacation to the moon for 12 weeks, and she'd still be steamed if on ONE MEASLY weekend her plans get foiled for not sleeping with her AP.

My kids dubbed this summer "the best summer ever" because I took them places (e.g. Disney, the beach). It was the best because of ME. The kids will never say, "And part of that best summer was when mom dumped me in front of the Wii for hours and ignored me."

Everyone (friends, family) agree that she's reacting like a caged animal. Her affair is what it is, but meanwhile she's working max part-time hours (still no job), she's frantic about money always (even though I'M paying all her bills/rent and I'm living at my parents). I can't wait til the wheels of justice really spin on this. She's in for a rude awakening. And she's in for a ruder awakening when her affair crumbles, probably when we divorce, and she comes crawling back to me...and I'll tell her to go take a flying f*ck at a rolling donut.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. I can't believe I've reached this point. Maybe it's a sign of waking up and realizing my own self worth? But man, I fought like a bastard to maintain our family. I really did. Just wanted mom, dad, and kids all together so badly. It was my dream, my ideal.

And now? I soooo badly want to be FREE of this woman.

[worldgonewrong]

missing words in original post:

"I could go on vacation to the moon for 12 weeks WITH THE KIDS"

 

(WITH THE KIDS is important for that sentence to make sense.)

[worldgonewrong]

Mediation later today.

My stomach has been in knots for weeks, sleep difficult, etc.

Send all good thoughts & prayers my way today.

<3

[GorillaTheater]

Send all good thoughts & prayers my way today.

 

You got it. Remember: calm, cool, and collected. This is just business; leave your emotions at the door.

[worldgonewrong]

GorillaTheater - thanks, bro.

 

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

She spoke with the mediator privately first; then me.

I laid out the whole history in miniature (although he's impartial, you could tell he was flabbergasted by the hell I'd been put through). After speaking with me at length, longer than he did with my wife, he told me three things: (a) that I had already fulfilled my court requirement for mediation and didn't need the actual meet-up with the wife, (b) that this wasn't a character profile - they only document whether points of resolution have occurred or not, and © that I was free to leave any time I wanted.

I paused and said that I welcomed the opportunity to voice some Big Picture problems in front of her. So he brought her in.

He goes into a patter which she mistakes for therapy (e.g. asking us about how we handle the kids, schedules, and how things play out for us respectfully). of course, SHE loves the current arrangement because I'm living with my parents and she gets to boff some guy on friday or saturday nights when I have the kids.

But...here's the kicker: she had the audacity to bring up the anomaly of me having to cancel sleepover for the weekend. She got really nitpicky about hours spent, etc. (never mind that 10 hours w/me & the kids is time well spent, whereas with her, the kids are plopped in front of the telly or computer).

So I let her finish her insane shpiel and then I calmly said (with my voice understandably rising, but measured) while looking for the first time directly into her eyes:

"We have been talking petty things. Let's talk Big Picture now. I pay your rent, your gas & electric, your phone bill, the car payment, and your car insurance. And you work part-time hours. Please tell me, ___, what is your plan to maintain a household for the children when we divorce?"

She looked like I had punched her in the stomach. Her demeanor completed folded in on itself. She looked like she was on the verge of crying her eyes out then (and I hated her for it, as I found it manipulative). She meekly replied, in the softest voice, "I...I've been looking for a full-time job..."

At which point I picked up my belongings and stood up.

"This discussion has been riveting. You have spent almost 2 years looking for a full-time job. I look forward to this bright future you anticipate. Good luck."

And I walked out.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. it was pointed out to me afterwards by others that it would have been the perfect time to mention her affair(s) - which she thinks I've been oblivious to. I had shunned that option since I didn't want to inflate her ego (by pointing out she had hurt me) and I wanted to keep it focused on the cold business at hand.

[Surfer203]

wgw: Bravo my friend, good work! That took balls and it's great that you put her in her place and it sounds like you took the high road. You could have easily been nasty but you said what needed to be said. Good on you. Now, keep moving forward - this nightmare will soon be over. You have done the right thing all along, don't ever stoop to her level or back down from what you deserve. Cheers bud.

[worldgonewrong]

Thanks, Surfer203.

 

Although I feel a sort of fall-out of sadness today, I also feel like...she's just a jerk. She's a jerk. She scraped me off like dogsh*t on her shoe when she secretly wanted to dillydally outside the marriage, had the chutzpah to pre-empt me by filing for divorce, and...well, the usual (gas-lighting, re-writing history, etc.).

 

Looking back now, 24 hours later, I wonder if ANYTHING I said in that brief moment got through to her.

And I also wonder if I DID waste the moment by not mentioning that *I* know she's been horsing around on me and killing the family/marriage as a result.

Whatever...she's a jerk.

[Surfer203]

Jerk??? ha! You are being too nice, she is a real piece of s***. No offense and I'm sorry, I came to the realization that my ex-wife is one. I tried to think of her in a positive light but now that everything is stripped away I see she is a terrible person and I am better off with out her. I think you know it too but it takes time to sink in sometimes. It's hard to admit. Don't beat yourself up, you did the right thing.

[worldgonewrong]

Surfer203: haha, well, I use "jerk" even though stronger words run through my mind.

 

This whole final stretch toward divorce sucks.

i have this tiny .00001 percent of me that would fight to keep our family together, still, after ALL the hell she's put me through.

But mostly? I want to be done. DONE. Divorced, so that she OWNS her own life and problems and I'm no longer her lightning rod for blame/misery.

[worldgonewrong]

And if there's a one-in-a-million chance she would EVER stumble across this website and read this:

Diana,

I know you were cheating on me since Fall 2010.

I know that you designed the whole thing to get me out of the house to free yourself up to pursue that relationship.

I know that you split up our phone-plan immediately upon separating so that I would never be able to see all of the texts/phone-numbers you wracked up in those 3-4 months.

I know that you pushed my buttons & jacked everything up so that you'd be able to paint me as an ogre and thus officially/legally have me gagged...even though I had spent an entire YEAR saying nothing whatsoever and always respecting boundaries.

You wanted to paint a reality to suit your private little goings-on.

And what's worse, you live in the fantasy that you're a good mom because you knew I wouldn't rock the boat and disturb the kids' world by cutting off the rent and everything else, and then have them move in with me.

You're a pathological liar, devoid of empathy, who has burned bridges with sooo many good people in such a short time.

I don't think I could ever go back to you, even if you one day 'saw the light'. You need counseling of some sort. God bless your soul, but you're in for a world of continual hurt as you continue to give yourself away to men just to satisfy your frail ego.

The bottom is falling out for you, and everyone who has ever TRULY cared about you sees it...except you.

[worldgonewrong]

haha, I just thought 1% was still too generous.

[worldgonewrong]

hugs to you WGW...you need a lifejacket???... i`ll give you mine anytime

 

Awww thanks, man.

 

Life for me, these days, is actually OK.

It's just, every so often, my breath gets taken away by the sheer devastation wrought by one person. That said, I know - in my heart - I will be OK. And with my guidance, our kids will be OK. It's just being on this ride going over a cliff - with her at the wheel - is tough. I see me and the kids as having parachutes, whereas I see her crashing.

[worldgonewrong]

I should've added: she also filed for divorce, to pip me to the post.

The height of arrogance. She's f*cking another guy, and I don't even get the dignity of being able to connect-the-dots and file myself.

[jaymz]

All the lies. Its weird. I was thinking the other day about things my STBXW told me that I took at face value, now I am putting more of the pieces together.

 

WHAT A LYING B*TCH!

 

I could pretty much echo all you said WGW, but my STBXW is probably more stupid and gave the game up much sooner.

 

Its all going to get better though!