Through the Separation Jungle

[Craig2425]

I too did this and it did nothing (lol). Well that's a lie she told me that she laughed at it because I'm trying to make her feel guilty for something that I caused and she thinks it's just typical me.

I know I've changed(and still am) and that I wanted to fix us. Anything I do or say to her she just takes it and spins it her way to make her feel better and it just makes her mad.

I know I tried that's all that matters to me.

I got to a point where I couldn't her kicking me while I was down anymore.

I'm trying to just make myself happy now and giving up trying for her.

Nc is the only thing I haven't tried so if it works then great but I'm just over a month from being final and need to get in a better place for me and my daughter.

I hope your wife takes the letter better then mine.

[worldgonewrong]

unfortunately the ball has been in her court the whole time..

 

I don't think your wife sees it that way at all. She's horsing around and not even looking at the metaphorical ball. But oh, in time, she will. When things go sour with OM, she will. Then she'll be staring at the ball.

 

I'm not sure this email is going to change anything but if it makes you feel better then thats worth it.

 

Exactly. I'm exercising control for myself, for my own sanity, so I mark a line that *I* can't go back and contradict with lovey-dovey sentiments/pleadings.

If she is jarred awake by it or whatever, then it's a bonus. That's my HOPE, of course, but I'm not putting all my chips on that one hope.

The main thing is to let her know I'm no longer doing the 'expected' anymore by floundering, which she grooved on in some insidious way.

[worldgonewrong]

I hope your wife takes the letter better then mine.

 

She might.

See, my wife's self-esteem right now is buoyed and reinforced by me groveling. If I remove that from the picture, she is left on dry land dealing with the reality of what she started.

[marqueemoon4]

I don't think your wife sees it that way at all. She's horsing around and not even looking at the metaphorical ball. But oh, in time, she will. When things go sour with OM, she will. Then she'll be staring at the ball.

 

 

 

Exactly. I'm exercising control for myself, for my own sanity, so I mark a line that *I* can't go back and contradict with lovey-dovey sentiments/pleadings.

If she is jarred awake by it or whatever, then it's a bonus. That's my HOPE, of course, but I'm not putting all my chips on that one hope.

The main thing is to let her know I'm no longer doing the 'expected' anymore by floundering, which she grooved on in some insidious way.

 

 

right... well you're still early in the process. I'm scared there is a OM.. 9/10 times there is. if so you'll figure it out eventually. Its a whoooooole nother hurdle getting over the idea some dirtbag is around your kids trying to act like their father, believe me. my stomach boils just thinking about it.

[worldgonewrong]

If I figure out there's an OM, I'll lose my mind.

[marqueemoon4]

If I figure out there's an OM, I'll lose my mind.

 

well, thats the normal male response. women are apparently too clueless to realize this or they don't care. so, I figured our my exes master plan out pretty early on, took about, oh, 5 minutes. Figured out who the other guy was, already had it confirmed. asked her if she was seeing anyone and she came back with the "why does it have to be another guy?? why can't I just be doing this for myself??" she denied about 12 times. So, a PI and $2800 later I had all the proof I needed that not only was she dating this clown (and I do mean clown, I've seen pics of him, wow, just wow) but she was staying with him/living with him along with our son. To refresh your memory I later found out the OM had just filed for his SECOND divorce in March, great choice honey. His TH is less than a mile from her parents house. I've caught her in about 20 lies since she left.. red handed. Me? I have nothing to hide, I've done nothing wrong (well since July). When confronted again she finally admitted to everything and started crying. Her exact quote was "how do you know all these things???" Public record, honey. She admitted she knew he had just filed for his 2nd divorce too. Oh and to up the betrayal quotient I just got all her phone/txt records from last April/May from ATT. What a busy little texter she had been, undoubtedly planning out her exit strategy with people who I have never heard of. I'm talking hundreds and hundreds of them leading up to the day she left. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, for sure.

 

I will say, when I confirmed she was staying with the OM and she rubbed my face in it that I couldn't do anything about it, I swore I'd confront the douche. I went over to his place, knowing she wouldn't be there and rang his doorbell. Probably not smart. He was either hiding or wasn't there. Dude doesn't even have the guts to face me.. I never said a threatening word to her about him, I did say I wanted to talk to him and there is no law against that. I also know he has a concealed carry license and probably thinks he's a bad ass.

 

So now my challenge is to make sure there is no way she can live under the same roof with this guy and our son. I have no problem filing a restraining order to do so, and I'm pretty sure I'll get it. Even after the divorce is final she's not gonna have my son living with him unless they get married, which is fine with me....she can be his 3rd victim.

 

So yea, the OM brings the pain/suffering/anger to a whole new level, believe me. You just have to prepare yourself for the eventuality. I truly look forward to the day it no longer tortures me, because believe me, I'm not there yet. I keep hoping the ex will realize how wrong she has done me and do something about it, but she absolutely won't.

Edited April 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Yasuandio]

Debtman - thanks for the perspective. Yeah, I think the b-day and mother's day cards are out, now that I think of it.

 

Yas - big news flash: I just emailed her a very Homer McDonald-esque letter. It even shocked me that I had the capacity to do it. I utilized the "The 3 Sentences", re-worded of course. I feel scared and yet free as a burden has lifted off my shoulders and been placed on hers now.

 

For all concerned, in Divorce Busting language, this might be called the "Last Resort," a strategy applied when you've had no luck with 180.

 

In this case, there has been some huge backslide recently on the 180 (flowers, poem, text -- none went over well, as DB would predict.

 

WGW is understandably damn frustrated, as he has been given no real tangable reason for being kicked to the kirb. Furthermore, there has been no signs of hope. I can see where the negative response to his kindness was really more hateful than necessary - and could bring on a sense of discouragement.

 

Homer McDonald often suggests to use reverse psychology with a negative Nellie spouse, by agreeing with everything they say. That is, yes dear, I've come to the conclusion that you are perfectly right - we are not meant to be together. The time apart has convinced me that yours is the correct position and we need to go our separate ways.

 

Now, WGW has to sick to this. There is no backpedaling on this one. If he really wants to score big time, Home recommends dating. It makes total logical sense, and it will feel good and help WGW's self esteme. It will also put his wife out of her effing mind, if WGW has the guts to fully carry out Homers gauenteed success plan.

 

WGW, initially, I thought this to be impulsive. But I am assuming you read the material and are not going to back down. Tell me more of how you arrived at this conclusion. And if it takes affect -- do no bite right away -- come here first.

 

You can fakeittillyoumakeit "give up" and you can really "give up.". I have been in the latter camp most lately. Can you believe he was stalking me in another grocery store parking lot last evening? It's a silver Beemer SUV that I don't easily recognize. But damn, he was stopped at the crosswalk when I came out of the store with my buggy. I watched him out of the corner of my eye. He was circling like a shark, getting closer and closer. By the time I took my buggy back to the cart stand he was dangerously close to me, with a perfect view. I pretended I didn't notice, and he assumes Im blind as a bat and don't know the car.

 

Yes, I looked smashingly great too! Later on he parked in front of my house for a few minuites. Look what happens when you "give up." Tell me, what's next?

[marqueemoon4]

um, Yas, thats dangerous behavior he's exhibiting...

[worldgonewrong]

Yas wrote,

WGW, initially, I thought this to be impulsive. But I am assuming you read the material and are not going to back down. Tell me more of how you arrived at this conclusion.

 

I came to the conclusion after reading the material and realizing that I had made every romantic/peaceful overture under the sun, and that I could not allow myself to be hurt anymore during this separation. So I drew a line in the sand so that I could NOT contradict myself. I can't UNDO my "Yes, I agree with you, it's over" -- but I can keep an eye out if she does respond.

It's sort of like the principle "no matter how hard I knock, do NOT open this door"! haha!

If it does take effect, I'll definitely come here first, as you suggest.

 

Also, my thinking on this was that I had to do the COMPLETE opposite, make a move SO drastic (like her dumping me) that it would give her pause for thought. This move on my part is uncharacteristic, so I know it will have SOME effect on her -- how significant will remain to be seen.

[worldgonewrong]

um, Yas, thats dangerous behavior he's exhibiting...

 

Stalker-y, but to what end?

[willowthewisp]

right... well you're still early in the process. I'm scared there is a OM.. 9/10 times there is. if so you'll figure it out eventually. Its a whoooooole nother hurdle getting over the idea some dirtbag is around your kids trying to act like their father, believe me. my stomach boils just thinking about it.

 

I wonder if my ex had OW, still to this day do not know, two years, he'll never admit it of course if he had. Sorry to thread jump.

[Yasuandio]

Here's the gist:

I've told her that I'd really like the marriage/family to be reconciled, but I've come to agree with her that it's not going to be repaired.

The burden is back on HER, rather than ME being a total spastic chimp professing undying love and repelling her further.

It will either knock her out of the blue, or she'll take it in her stride. Either way, I feel like I've exerted some HUGE control over this situation by putting it back in her lap finally. In other words, I fought like a motherf*cker for the best possible situation to happen, and it only made things worse. Now I declare I'm no longer struggling and put it on her to struggle (or not).

 

OK. I get you. However, after some contimplation, I see a design flaw in this plan, but also see an additional strategy which will immediately correct it. I mean absolutely no disrespect by what I'm about to say WGW, it may be tough to swallow right now:

 

Tough Part

 

If you don't do this, or something as similiar in nature to bolster your recent ""3 sentence email," I'm afraid, within the context of the last series of moves you've made (flowers, poem, text), this new form of communication (i.e., a veiled or real threat), may come off as just a threat.

 

Possible Design Flaw in Your Application of 3 Sentences

 

As it may have already occured to you, its possible that way too many things happened too fast in rapid fire sequence:

 

1. Way Too Nice Thing B/C You Want To Be Together -- "Flowers"

2. Way Too Nice Thing B/C You're in Love -- "Heartfelt Poem"

3. Way Too Nice Thing B/C You'd Do AnyThing For Her -- "Cut-Off Limb Text"

4. Way Weird Different Thing: "Suddenly Agree Things Won't Work Out"

 

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Now your "knocking at the door" rational is pretty good, but you may still knocking at the same door with number four, even though you changed the topic (or visa versa). In essense, you have been looking to get a response from her, hopefully a positive one, in one, two, and three above. That didn't work out. So, you try reverse psychology in number four. Trouble is, these many attempts in this short of time frame make it look like you're just trying to get a rise from her with a threat, that, you may not prepared to carry out. I'm sorry, I hope she doesn't look at it that way.

 

Lecture Over -- Proposed Solution

 

Solution One. It's too to take it back, unless, you call or email and just say I made a mistake, and apologize. Go back to 180, try one of Homer's ideas a little later on. We will also re-evaluate if you decide to back down.

 

Solution Two. Bite the Bullet and go thru with it. The worse thing that will happen if you backpeddle later is that she will loose more respect for you and your self esteme and masculinity will be diminished in her eyes. Then, let the games begin. Over the next few weeks, you need to make that "3-Sentence Threat" look like you mean business. It just doesn't fly right now. You'll be waiting ages for that to show any effect.

 

Reinforcement 1. Big time NC. Forget Little Contact. You are now in a NO CONTACT ZONE trooper, keep your head down so it doesn't get blown off. Talk to NOONE. Not your mother or brother. Back off the kids some too, SOP. Get someone else to drop-off and pick-them up. I know, it's a hassle, do it anyway. She will not get to see you, period (unless she stalks you, you read me, soldier?). Business can be done in the mail. No voice to voice ever. If she calls a child, the child picks up the phone. "Completely Something Different A" is the plan for the first reinforcement. No family Easter Egg Hunt this year, no Church together, no family dinner, no relatives. You got other plans, period. Screw the Easter Bunny, eff it all. You are trying to save your marriage.

 

Reinforcement 2. Start interviewing attorneys. Yes, you are going to serve her. Yes, it cost money. Yes, serving her will effing demonstrate that you mean business. Yes, it will be a smart move for you, anyway, to have your foot in the door apriori (I know Debtman will back me up on that). Natually, your attorney can concurrently offer a reasonable settlement package and offer of your willingness to mediate the terms of the settlement ALONG WITH the divorce filing. Reinforcement 2 is really going to make that "3 Sentence Email" grow some hmmmm, validity. The divorce isn't final until the divorce is final. WGW, this is SOP once people decide to split. Nothing strange about the process I'm suggesting here. I am merely proposing that you carry out reality of what you implied with words. How the heck is this any different?

 

Reinforcement 3. Start dating as many girls as possible. Be seen everywhere, bookstores, coffeeshops, mall, bakery, flower store, everywhere. Try all new stuff women like. What you do on your private time is your own business. Don't flaunt, but do let word get round, and be seen. Shoot pool. Go easy on the drinking.

 

Reinforcement 4. Get a baby pet. A little kitten, or a puppy, small breed. Bring it to the coffee shop with you. Train the baby cat to walk on a leash. The girls will go nutso! Ask girls for help. Ask their opinions about names for the pet. Or, maybe, you need some assistance choosing the right kinda toys? A girl may go over to a nearby store and help you make some selections. Wouldn't that be nice? This is your automatic chick magnet, dude. Ask 2.5 Gallon, he's the master. Pull the same drama at every coffee shop/outdoor venue around. Be sure to have a notebook to write down all the phone numbers -- or better still, just schedule dates on the spot with a calendar.

 

Solution Three. Wait it out. Endure the fallout. Suck it up. Know that you did, what in your heart and mind, you felt were the best moral decisions for you and your family -- let one can argue with that. There will be time for you to reflect. There will be time to try other stratiegies, etc. There will also be time for you to just give up and let go. And there will be time to fake giving up and letting it go.

 

Pressure Cookers and Clams

 

You wife probable has stuff to do and is not totally focused on the marriage like you are cause she is still all warm n' comfy in her home with the kids. She may view your current repeated communications and you as a pest -- especially after the last one. Because of that, you may hear nothing. She got other things on her mind, like THE ACTUAL REASON she put you out. I've heard nothing that justifies a three month sabatical. She is indeed continplating something, time will tell what this is. If you go back together it may be better that you never find out what actally happened. Just know in the end -- she wanted her marriage. That's all that really matters anyway.

 

My Pressure Cooker

 

Between you and us, the pressure cooker might really be on with your wife. I kind of know what that's like now (even though husband didn't say he wanted me back). I couldn't sleep last night because that incident made me nervious. I'm already off track cause I changed stores, becase he was going to my other store. I had to be at an appointment early today, and this would not have been the right time to approach me with reconcilation -- not that he will anyway. Sure would help my ego though. Due to this crap, I still haven't picked up my ned medication from the original store, and I'm so tired I do wanna go out, and I also forgot my morning dose, due to little sleep and being in a big rush to be on time. This is exactly how I end up manic. I'm all mixed up, and I feel really confused from this whole recent turn of events. WTF does it mean?

 

I hope these thoughts are of some usefulness WGW. I'm gonna post this before I lose it, even if it ain't perfect. Good day. Praying For Ya.

[worldgonewrong]

Yas - as always, I value your thoughtful replies. thank you. truly.

 

I'm going with Solution Three and going LC as it only pertains to the kids. The about-face, if kept in place, could be an eye-opener especially if that's the LAST relationship-related communication I have with her until/if she ever makes a move.

 

As for reinforcements with NC, etc., it's pretty easy as she always puts the kids on the phone for me. And the 'family' plans have dropped off the radar; I take the kids with me to other family functions, and she's just not on the radar at all with this stuff.

 

You said:

Between you and us, the pressure cooker might really be on with your wife.

Hmm. Explain what you mean here, please. I'm intrigued. Never thought of that.

 

Faithful sidebar (others can stop reading now if they want)--

Keep the prayers coming. As I stated in my heart today, I now fully commend the broken marriage to God. I've nothing left and only God can, if He so chooses, can rectify this. I have faith in God. I have zero faith in my wife and zero faith in myself to put the pieces back together expertly.

[worldgonewrong]

I wonder if my ex had OW, still to this day do not know, two years, he'll never admit it of course if he had. Sorry to thread jump.

 

No apologies necessary.

I feel for you, willow. It's an entirely natural question to raise in your mind. I hope you find peace. Nobody deserves to have their heart broken.

[Yasuandio]

Yas - as always, I value your thoughtful replies. thank you. truly.

 

I'm going with Solution Three and going LC as it only pertains to the kids. The about-face, if kept in place, could be an eye-opener especially if that's the LAST relationship-related communication I have with her until/if she ever makes a move.

 

As for reinforcements with NC, etc., it's pretty easy as she always puts the kids on the phone for me. And the 'family' plans have dropped off the radar; I take the kids with me to other family functions, and she's just not on the radar at all with this stuff.

 

You said:

Hmm. Explain what you mean here, please. I'm intrigued. Never thought of that.

 

Faithful sidebar (others can stop reading now if they want)--

Keep the prayers coming. As I stated in my heart today, I now fully commend the broken marriage to God. I've nothing left and only God can, if He so chooses, can rectify this. I have faith in God. I have zero faith in my wife and zero faith in myself to put the pieces back together expertly.

 

Welcome to my world Trooper. Sounds like your giving up, at least conceptually. And that's the first step. Proudly display your motto: WWPMD? Yeah, like, for real. You answered that quite precisely yesterday. I've given you my thoughts on the prospect of this in terms of a "strategy."

 

However too, I have discussed how it is happening in real life for me. You know there comes a time where you just have to stop, and give up. My day was when I walked after him in the court and said, "I still want you.". A few gross-out manic voice mails later, I went into mourning and grieving. I see and comprehend now, you have reached your limit.

 

You are going to mourn now, rather than stratigize, I can feel it. She's gonna feel. Somehow the spouse feels it, spitually -- they loss a limb at the time you give up. That's why mine is stalking grocery store parking lots. Other than doctors, it's the only place I go.

 

I'm very sorry WGW. I analzed it backwards and forwards, but you have convinced me that you mean business and you are not gaming (as I was afraid of).

 

You ask a question about my statement regarding her pressure cooker. I apologize the sentence just really fell out of place as I was writing. What I mean is what I said in perhaps different words. She's busy and got stuff to do. She is not taking careful consideration of your communicative offerings because she's got so much on her plate.

 

What your not coming to grips with here is that there is highly likely she is under pressure deciding between you and someone or something else. That's why your on the back burner. Nothing else makes any sense WGW. I don't think you wanna know this, I don't think it would even help you to know this. It's not necessarily another OM either. But she is trying to make a difficult if not impossible choice. That's just my read. Besides your writing, poem, texts, flowers, and her obvious risk-taking, along with the mystery X box, whatever that might be (which could also involve risk), she's gotta be feel'iin the pressure too. That's what I meant. Ya get me man?

 

What could this other thing be? Let me throw out a couple options: (A). Wife learns she has to have a mascectomy, or worse a double mascectomy. (B) Wife questions her sexual orientation. © Wife is suffering from a mental illness. (D) Wife has come to find your religious beliefs or lack thereof unacceptable. Wrap your head around those. If the first happened to me, I know for sure my husband would see me as a freak. I would diss the marriage in a heartbeat for the sake of my self esteme. He would never know, period. I know him. He would dump me fast.

 

Another perspective. My husband could become a better man. Linda could be reincarnated. WGW, seriously, she could come back. Dude, I'm here for ya.

Edited April 20, 2011 by Yasuandio

[trippi1432]

WGW - There does come a time when you know you have fought the battle...winning can go two ways...she comes back...or you survive. Sounds trite I know. Not the easy answer, but the best that you can get sometimes. I've loved before....only to have my heart handed back to me like my a** in a sling...each rejection of it becoming a wilted flower and a darkened poem/song. There is only so much a person can take before they know that they have done all they can.

 

I see you as one of the ones that gives without failing...hard-pressed to ensure she knows what she is giving up...you hang in, you love and will not let her actions sway you...I wish I had your resolve. Sometimes the higher power will answer. Be strong for you and your kids.

[Yasuandio]

Also, are you removing wedding band? Any seconds thoughts today? These first day of grieving are the pits. Get your mind on something totally different. You will learn about a whole new type of crying. Stay in and mend yourself. Stay awayfrom the kids for awhile -- this is gonna show, and they will stimulate it. The heavy duty grieving could be confusing for them.

 

I need you to interpret the parking lot thing for me. It could be as simple as Detbman once said. "he's checking out his old property even if he doesn't love it any more.". Of course, my ego yearns for more. He really went to some trouble to get a few rgood looks at me. What could it mean? If you don't feel like researching my case, get your mind on something else. Someone always is worse off than you, my man. Wollow in it and cry for a while, then shift gears and get your mind on something else.

[worldgonewrong]

Trippi- thank you for the kind and astute words. You're right - I've just reached this threshold, realized I've got NOTHING left to give at the moment. That takes a helluva lot (for me) to reach that state.

 

Yas - The kids make me unbelievably happy, so I need not distance myself. I'm out of tears. If I grieve, I'm quite able to separate it from everything else happening so it's easy to compartmentalize (most of the time). And apropos to what you wrote earlier, you're right - I can't strategize any further. It's a "Let go and let God" belief for me now.

 

As for your husband - I don't want to read TOO much into the situation, but I think he may have realized that he made a HUGE mistake. Nobody goes out of their way that much to just check an ex-love out. He might've realized that his green-grass is nothing compared to what he had, and so he's confused. He might be going through a "what the hell did I do?!" phase.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. If I'm scarce for a bit, don't take it as a sign that I've left LS. I haven't.

Merely trying to put some space between episodes and even thinking about episodes outloud.

[marqueemoon4]

p.s. If I'm scarce for a bit, don't take it as a sign that I've left LS. I haven't.

Merely trying to put some space between episodes and even thinking about episodes outloud.

 

i think i need to take a break too... its almost perpetuating my pain and not allowing me to move forward being on here so much. don't get me wrong, LS has helped SO MUCH..

[worldgonewrong]

don't get me wrong, LS has helped SO MUCH..

 

Absolutely agree, my man.

[debtman]

i think i need to take a break too... its almost perpetuating my pain and not allowing me to move forward being on here so much. don't get me wrong, LS has helped SO MUCH..

 

Very understandable for both of you. Coming on here certainly focuses everything on the thing you're trying to take your mind off of. Take a break, spend some time with yourself and work on resolving yourself to moving on with YOUR life.

 

Yas, don't put too much weight on the stalking thing. He may have just been hoping to catch you talking to, meeting, being with someone else so he could justify his decision. Or, as wgw said, he could be missing what he had. Either way, stick to NC, be confident in the fact that he's still focused on you and take satisfaction in that.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[marqueemoon4]

yea, but now what am I supposed to do? work?

[debtman]

Of course not...lol...I generally turn to StumbleUpon.com

[Yasuandio]

Thanks for feedback guys. Praying for ya WGW. Dude, you'll come outta it ok. Come back when you are ready. PM anytime.