Through the Separation Jungle

[worldgonewrong]

W_N: I'm hanging in there, man. Thank you for asking; that means a lot. Saturday morning wake-up, alone again, was rough for me, to be honest; had a bit of a private weeping melt-down. But better now. I'm still trying to line my ducks in a row for what I want eventually/soon. The biggest update today is that I sold my wedding ring - a decision that made me feel almost sick to my stomach AND liberated at the same time. I don't want to see it on my key-ring when our wedding anniversary hits next month. And if what we have can ever hope to be salvaged, then a new ring in the future would mark our new 'covenant' between us. Otherwise, now, it's worthless.

 

also, thank you updown, Yas, starting2wakeup, and daylightshade too!!! love to you all as well on your journeys.

[Yasuandio]

Poor dude man. Don't hold it back. Let all come out - it rids your system of toxins and stress. I't is natural grieving and morning a loss. Means you're facing it.

 

I have had a few too I would describe just like that. Not many men have the balls to cry it out, so you are ahead of the game.

 

But not in front of Marylynn.

 

If it happens in front of kids -- happy tears! But try not to let that happen.

 

Normally I hate Tylonol. But I have heard that one regular tylonal a day will help us. I'm going to try it

 

Sorry about the thread hyjack. YAS.

[worldgonewrong]

thanks, Yas.

I'm keeping it together as regards my kids -- I'm a silly, fun dad, and intend to stay that way.

 

Further update today: I consulted with a lawyer and I am entitled to move back into the house, provided there's no restraining or protective order against me (WHICH THERE ISN'T). Now I have to strategize my next move...

[worldgonewrong]

sad, additional:

my wife is so out-to-lunch.

when my son visited and then had to leave, I told him to pack up his board game.

He said he'd rather leave it with me, because nobody will play at home with him.

I told him, "Hey, ask your mom. She'll play!"

And he said, sort of with a depressed sigh, "No, she won't. She's either always on her phone or says she can't."

My wife NEVER used to be like this. It's terrible.

[Surfer203]

Sounds like she is extremely self centered.. obviously. All of our wives are, that's why they chose themselves and their own happiness over their husband and family. Her children should be #1 to her now.

 

I read something about Gratitude.. they say it is crucial for our mental health.. to experience gratitude. I don't think our wives are feeling any of that.. to me.. it is a wonderful thing. To be on the other end, the giving end, that makes me feel better than anything. I don't know.. blabbering on.. selfish pieces of crap is what I am trying to get at.

[jaymz]

I dont think i was ever really appreciated in my relationship by my stbxw. I struggle to remember a single time where she expressed any gratitude for stuff I did. I can only remember her being annoyed that everything wasnt quite right or not what she asked for. For xmas I bought her an ipod nano (amongst other things), as the box was ring box shaped she thought it was jewellery, she was so disapointed. But i bought something that she would use every single day, and she does, i thought a thoughtfull gift like that was the right thing? Everyday she used it it would reminder her of me.

 

I understand what you mean.

[Surfer203]

Jaymz.. exactly. To appreciate what others give you, do for you, etc. To appreciate the little things in life. Our wive's are seeing the big picture and not the nuiances of every day life. To give thanks is a great feeling.

[What_Next]

If this is coming from your boy you must do everything within your power to insulate him from it.

 

You have all the information you need at this point, it's time to end this limbo status.

 

Good luck no matter what you decide to to. You have my utmost respect and support should you need it.

[updown]

i'm sorry your son has no one to play his board game with :-(

 

just be careful taking what he is saying as absolute fact. my kids like to say that i'm ALWAYS doing this, or ALWAYS doing that. they often, to my face, forget about the million things i have done with them that day, week, or month. i get a lot of " you don't do this for me" or " you don't do that for me." but, every single day i feed them, clothe them, play with them, teach them, clean up after them, entertain them, drive them, love them, console them, bathe them, and the list goes on.

 

i'm rarely on the phone, but i will get on the computer during the day. and i hear a lot " you're always on the computer." however, they fail to give me credit for the hours i spend making them food, washing their clothes, cleaning up after them, driving to places, signing them up for activities, hanging out at playdates, gardening with them, teaching them, taking them to appointments, kissing boo boos, etc. kids also live in a world without time...... and words like always doesn't always mean, always...... ya know??

 

i'm not saying your stbxw ISNT ignoring them, i'm just saying be cautious taking it as fact.

 

did the lawyer give you any advice on HOW to move forward with moving back in?? did they suggest one tactic over another? i'm just curious. i wish you the best with your plans for that move. i'm sure it's not the easiest thing in the world to do!!! praying it all goes smoothly for you!!! good luck! :-)

[Yasuandio]

Wgw, good news from esq. NOW, I strongly advise you to call the cell phone provider and learn how to sign onto "your" account0n-line.

 

She has beat you to it already though, I'll bet anything.

 

Instead, ask carrier to send you written t call phone transcrips you have been paying for for the last two years. It will cost @ $150.

 

If you add a four didget password security code over the phone she will know your on to her.

 

Better to be cool and spend the cash for the authentic records. You will need them anyway. Upon receipt, make a complete copy for your attorney, and then go to it dude.

 

It will most likely be the most called number. Once you start charting it, you'll see how she's been pulling off.

 

For your sanity, stop at Kinko's and have the package of pages bound.

 

When you find it - come here to us or me on PM. Do Not Let Ibstinct Kick In. Phone calls really don't prove anything. They just lead you in interesting directions.

 

It is tidbit like what you may turn up from such reseach that assists a judge on whom should stay in the house.

 

One step at a time. If you find something, shut up, because you do not know what it means. Come here -- I am an expert at such covert analysis due to over-education and experience thereto.

 

Are kids old enough to decide whom they want to live with?

[marqueemoon4]

wgw.. I feel for you man.. I think you're finally realizing your stbw is NOT on your side and is working on her life without you. its a ****ty realization, but really, its her loss.

[worldgonewrong]

update: I'm talking this through with a lot of people, sifting through the various pros & cons of potentially moving back.

One of the cons is that currently the kids are seeing a peaceful mom & a peaceful dad without daily tension. Me moving back might rock that dynamic and make it 100% worse for the kids, in terms of how my wife would get her back up and act all weird (weirder!) because of my presence.

The other con is that - given her state of mind- she would most likely create a reason to slap a restraining order on me, which would then REALLY louse everything up.

My argument to that remains that this would be about me taking possession of what I am partly entitled to, for what I've worked for and continue to work for. I've helped construct this comfortable reality she's living in -- if she wants out, then she needs to face reality and take the steps to get out.

It's been proposed to me that I should look for a better job and work harder to build something from that -- but that is long-term, and it means I'm doing all the hump-work while she does not have to lift a finger to address HER share of changing the status quo.

It's a very sticky situation...

Edited June 29, 2011 by worldgonewrong

[Yasuandio]

People get weird when there is something to get wierd about. If she gets ever "weirder" in your presence, you can better believe the weird issue has got something to do with you.

 

My gut instinct tells we the weirdness is due to the fact she is stuffing her face with cake, and it's not Angel's Food. The weirdness is probably nerves.

 

If you had her MO prior to moving back in, that would keep her in toe -- if not change her entire demeanor. But once you get the MO, I would only share with layer right now.

 

The classic move of a wife that wants divorce or husband out is to fake a TRO. And the divorce judges know that.

 

Totay stay away from her as your attorney proceeds. Once you are in, he will file, and demand she leave the home. However, once you gain access, she can hire council and prevent you from stating in the same manner. Like I told you before, judge goes with status quo usually.

Meaning your OUT.

 

That is one fine reason to surprise her at your first tempooarary hearing (where living arrangements will be determined by judge) with the evidence of the MO (whatever it is). Your attorney will be able to question her about it at the hearing. Therefore it's best for it to come as a surprise.

 

This is how the process could work in your favor. Cause down the line, status quo suggests judge will ask you, command you, to go back to what was working before. You need a big wammy at that hearing. Just cause you get in the house, don't mean you're stayin. And you'd better not irratate her.

[worldgonewrong]

As I write this, I'm a few beers in & alone on this sunday night (having been with my kids earlier today and last night). just watched Woody Allen's "Hannah and Her Sisters" for the umpteenth time in my life. At the end of the film - which has a sweet, odd resolution like his films do - his character says, "The heart is a resilient little muscle". This made me laugh outloud. If you look at your life through the lens of a Woody Allen film, you can survive any insanity flung your way. :-) Love to you all.

[alhoneyblue]

Gosh I wish I was a couple beers in I can't cause I have to pick my child up at nine. I love this site I am going through something horrid myself in second week of separation of 20 year marriageI need to share my story I tried to write it down... can't yet too many tears. But oh my I just read so much of what you have posted since the beginning of your separation. You really are a pretty cool sensitive person, I bet sometimes you have felt awkward putting this out there and I just want you to know it is appreciated.

[worldgonewrong]

Gosh I wish I was a couple beers in I can't cause I have to pick my child up at nine. I love this site I am going through something horrid myself in second week of separation of 20 year marriageI need to share my story I tried to write it down... can't yet too many tears. But oh my I just read so much of what you have posted since the beginning of your separation. You really are a pretty cool sensitive person, I bet sometimes you have felt awkward putting this out there and I just want you to know it is appreciated.

 

A pleasure to meet you, alhoneyblue, in spite of our awful respective situations.

I love this site, too - probably saved me a fortune on therapy bills, truly.

Thank you for the kind words, and in time, feel free to post whatever you want to get off your chest too; it's cathartic, to say the least.

[worldgonewrong]

Yesterday's one sad note, when the kids were being picked up by wife:

my daughter got emotional and said she wanted BOTH of us (mommy and daddy) to watch fireworks with her on the 4th. Sigh........

[debtman]

I hear you...last night was the first time in 6 years I saw fireworks without my wife and kid(s) being with me. Made it much harder to enjoy the show. And, as part of the separation agreement, it was decided that she gets the 4th of July as her annual holiday and I get Halloween, so I may not see fireworks with them for a long time...hopefully we'll be able to work things out in future years so we can switch off and both get to enjoy those moments...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[worldgonewrong]

thanks for relating, debtman.

it means a lot to me.

[soserious1]

Sounds like she is extremely self centered.. obviously. All of our wives are, that's why they chose themselves and their own happiness over their husband and family. Her children should be #1 to her now.

 

I read something about Gratitude.. they say it is crucial for our mental health.. to experience gratitude. I don't think our wives are feeling any of that.. to me.. it is a wonderful thing. To be on the other end, the giving end, that makes me feel better than anything. I don't know.. blabbering on.. selfish pieces of crap is what I am trying to get at.

 

Well count me in among the group that chose myself and my own happiness over that of my husband's, sorry but I finally learned that all giving and giving earned me was the chance to do even more giving and giving. I got sick of being treated as if I had "welcome" stamped on my forehead.

[What_Next]

You'll have lots more moments of joy in your future WGW.

 

I hope you soon end this torture you are going through and move on with your life in a happy direction.

[Yasuandio]

dude, I emplore to you to get it over with. Stop hoping. It is a waste. If it's meant to be you can always marry again.

 

I just got kicked in the teeth again, we are way past the umpteenth time. December will be 3 years. Each time I build up my hope, I die a little more. Things that are said don't seem to make sense with what I see.

 

If mine really wants a divorce why all the roadblocks to depos and trial? Do took all the money. Then the following is out of sink too.

 

He's leaving the country tomorow, his mom is sick , same illness put her supposedly in the hospital last year, old age. A friend of mine is going to observe the departure, in case he has a traveling companion.

 

I am so bloody obsessed with my suspitions he is stealing money and taking it overseas.

 

It wouldn't surprise me if he has a ready made family. Probably extending divorce cause the young may wanna get married. My apologies, WGW, Im a threadaholic thief. A complete thread on my story could cause severe laughter as well dry-heaves, that may possibly lead to a brain injury, choking, and/or death.

[marqueemoon4]

What did he post that led you to believe he's holding on to false hope? He's just trying to cope like the rest of us.

[Yasuandio]

First of all, please excuse me, I'm coping with some issues that may be sqewing perceptions. If so, I apologize in advance.

 

It's a cycle. Last big one was the flower thing. Then then dinner thing. Then the "likely" moving back in thing. Now, looks like a divorce advice thing.....which typically leads to hearing, where someone is leaving. That would be WGW, as is was working fine before.

 

So, this whole moving back in thing is an exercise in futality, and/or a button pusher. The obvious conclusion is that he will end up where he began, at his parents house.

 

The hope, is that by being together in the same home again the embers of fire will glow once again. That's my hope, it's a longshot, you never know. I believe the aformentioned drives him too, perhaps subconsciencly. I guess it is possible that I forgot. Has WGW's wife give him any warm fuzzies? Any slight indication of interest in recon?

 

Sorry I a terrible

Edited July 4, 2011 by Yasuandio

[trippi1432]

Yas....{{{Hugs sweets}}}