Yasuandio Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 to address both points - MM4 singled out selfish, clueless women - not all, 'cause Lord knows, there are some wonderful ones out there (and here on this forum!). "Cheaper to keep her" - I hear ya. But she doesn't want keeping (marriage), so she says. If so, why has she not filed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 If so, why has she not filed? State here requires separation for 1 full year. January 2012 is D-day...er, year...whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 WGW - I had to wait a year in my state too, but I had all CS, Custody and property settled in the Separation Agreement. On D day...it was just the lawyer filing the paperwork and eventually him getting served as dissolving the marriage. Neither of us even had to appear in court. Then again, he pretty much agreed with everything because he was in severe affair fog...hmm, wondering if that isn't the best time to strike. Okay...granted I had a prenuptial and a free trader agreement on my house...so that helped some too. The point is, you can already be starting the SA and mediation for settlement and all the other stuff...the big D at the end of the year just becomes another piece of paper...the way I look at it now...much like my marriage certificate...another piece of paper. Funny how we can go from one piece of paper to another and mixed in there are lies, abuse and infidelity? Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 yeah, we're not ALL like that ;-) some of us are very selfless...... i second the "get the paper work done and in order". you should do that. then, when 1 yr 1 day shows up, you're ready. or you an choose to wait. but, you're not doing what i did, which is waiting for 1 yr 1 day and THEN starting the process. i mean, we've been at this negotiating/ mediating for 7 months now. it's INSANE! regarding bills. figure out what they are each month, and give her that money. tell her to open her OWN acct. and then give her the check to pay for those things. she wants to be separated, well, then be separated!!! you don't pay for her bills anymore. no more utility bills, no more credit card bills. ask the laywer what you would be paying out in child support and spousal support and then give her that monthly and let her figure the rest of it out! if there's not enough then SHE has to come up with the solution! good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 yeah, we're not ALL like that ;-) some of us are very selfless...... Updown...was that directed at me? Just want to clarify as words on screen...not sure what you meant by that..... Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 nope :-) directed to the comment about selfish, clueless women... or something along those lines. sorry for the confusion! but, i am willing to be you're not a selfish, clueless person. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 No problem, that's why I asked..thought it might be the previous comments...I had a whole post to that, but lost it...ack! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Trippi - to address the Separation Agreement issue - in this state, it's not a legal requirement. The only thing that can be pushed is a Limited Divorce, and because the state doesn't want to deal with that, they make the requirements ridiculously accusative (e.g. abuse, mental instability, etc.). The other thing, it's difficult to put a Separation Agreement together now when she wants it to work in her favor because her job situation is so part-time. Either way, now, I would get screwed. * Different thought: the loss of an estranged spouse is like the pain or feeling of a phantom limb. She's cut herself off, but you still feel the appendage even in its absence. You know her as well as any of your limbs or senses, and now it's phantom pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Exactly - ripped off appendage, an open, unhealed, infected, gash. Prognosis: Not gonna get better anytime soon. The other person most likely has a nice, fresh transplant, while we continue to spew blood and clots as fast as our bodies can manufacture them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 15, 2011 Author Share Posted July 15, 2011 To any new poster reading this: The key lesson (to grab hold of, fast), which gets repeated over & over on LS as the stories roll in on a weekly basis, is this -- you can only change yourself. Don't expect or bother to try and 'change' the other person who has hurt you. It took me 6 months to fully comprehend this. Separation is a long, twisty, ugly journey, and it's made twistier (by one's self) when you think "Well, if I just did this [fill in the blank], then maybe that would make her 'wake up'." Truth is, like most things in Life, it's a case of 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." The sooner you let that sink in and start *liking yourself* again, the better. Part of the misery is seeing your own wretched reflection in the other person, and feeling like you hate yourself, feeling like you are somehow deficient. If you've done everything you can, then proceed as you would normally in life: be nice, be kind, be firm, don't let others take advantage of your good will or nature. I offer this simple advice as a life-line for anyone else who feels overwhelmed and distraught. I've been through those phases -- heck, they still re-emerge -- but it was within the past week that I realized that I actually *like myself*. I like who I am. I know what good I am capable of and I know that I've done the best I could. (I, I, I, I...sorry.) You should feel that way about yourselves too. Happiness begins with yourself; if you allow someone else to snuff it out or to bleed you dry, at a certain point, you are the only person responsible for the state of your misery (to an extent). Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 The advice given above is gold. It's like a Cliff's notes version for the brokenhearted. Love.and respect yourself.. everything falls into place from there. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Never apologize WGW...here's a new perspective...life is 10% what we make it and 90% how we let it affect us.....just think if you turned that 90% around to a positive...then the 10% becomes 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 hmmmm. The words sound great. The speech was fab. The content was totally inspiring, in-depeth, "in"credable. Couldn'tly be more spot-on. I still feel just terrible. While Ive been gone working on the rental for the last month, the old house I lived in for ten years brought back some weido memories. Things that I just didn't catch. Maybe I was emmersed in my own thing, or I was plain out niave and/or dense. But there are so many memories that came to me there. As well as a pattern of unusual phone records I've been in denial about for over two years. All suggest that possibly my husband liked men as well as women. It is pretty freaky to face this after 27 years of marriage. I took a random sample of the calls for an 8 months period. He spoke with this man for 17.45 hours in this sample. The calls stand out like a sore thumb, because he never speaks to anyone else more the 1-3 min. This was going on since we owned cell phones. No matter what the situation - the BS ends up BETRAYED. Feeling good about how "great you are" I found doesn't really last very long. What about you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Feeling good about how "great you are" I found doesn't really last very long. What about you? If you're (universal You) still sifting through the wreckage and going through it with the OCD attention of a JFK-assassination conspiracy theorist, then you're not going to feel good for very long. You end up *owning* the other person's bullsh*t, when he/she is not even giving ANY of it a second thought. It eventually makes you just as 'sick' as the person who did you wrong. Yes, something horrible, sickening, and massively unfair happened to each of us. It feels like we go shot in the head by someone who apparently *loved* us. But here's the sort of perspective I gravitate toward when I become so mired in that thinking -- Conjure up the image of Phan Thị Kim Phúc. You do not know her by name, but most of us know her by sight, in the history books. She was the little girl captured in an iconic photograph, taken on June 8, 1972, after a South Vietnamese airstrike. Her village has been decimated by a napalm strike, so horrifically so that the clothing from her body had to be removed since it had caught fire. She, and other village children, in a distraught daze, are caught forever in the lense of photographic eternity -- weeping, unconsolable, knowing that their lives have been upended. To our eyes, it is a young life suspended in the balance of horror forever. Or is it? Go to Wikipedia and read up on her adult life, which culminates in a mention of her essay "The Long Road to Forgiveness". So you gotta weigh this stuff. A husband who likes to chase women and/or suck d*ck; a wife who sleeps around; etc. -- versus someone who literally, from scratch ENTIRELY, has to start a new life and DOES IT to a degree that shames me when I think of my own misery. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 ah don't shame yourself.. yea there is horrible stuff out there people are dealing with in all different degrees. honestly I think I'd rather be in the path of a napalm strike than go through a divorce again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Here is her essay: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91964687 Regardless if you buy into her stance on Jesus, it's still relevant. Particularly her closing words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 honestly I think I'd rather be in the path of a napalm strike than go through a divorce again. Only to have Forest Gump carry you out of the jungle! Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 only to have forest gump carry you out of the jungle! i was supposed to die out there!!! You cheated me!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 ~~laughing so hard right now~~ Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 ~~laughing so hard right now~~ yea its my exW's favorite movie. go figure. glad you got a laugh in though.. we need 'em! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 yea its my exW's favorite movie. go figure. heh heh - she identifies with Gump who kind of drifts through life without giving the big picture much thought. I totally can see why she connects with it. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 heh heh - she identifies with Gump who kind of drifts through life without giving the big picture much thought. I totally can see why she connects with it. how can someone be into so much sappy, sentimental Hollywood crap but when it comes to dealing with her exH, father of her child, and man she was with for 8yrs she's stone cold? meh, who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 how can someone be into so much sappy, sentimental Hollywood crap but when it comes to dealing with her exH, father of her child, and man she was with for 8yrs she's stone cold? meh, who knows. Split personality, dude. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 you two will be fine, WDW and MM4. :-) it's a journey, and i KNOW you will both come out of it on top, and just fine! believe me, if i can do it, you both can!!! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Wow..Forest Gump...was my exH's favorite movie too...and his favorite line..."Life is like a box of chocolates"....guess that likens it to the whole scenario of twisting the chocolate to see what is on the inside..then say..meh..not to my liking and move on to the next chocolate. Link to post Share on other sites
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