Through the Separation Jungle

[worldgonewrong]

Update from yesterday's post below:

 

My stbx is...not a nice person.

She proceeded to forward my lengthy email to her lawyer,

who then summarily turned around & emailed me (gentle reminder, not a threat - sez he) that any further emails like this risk violation of her Protective Order (with no finding of abuse, explicitly spelled out, mind).

Nice person.

Takes a piece of your soul and cavalierly tosses it to a bottom-feeder.

OK, I get it now.

 

He also asked if I want to receive the divorce docs by mail or by a server.

Part of me wants to have the server do it, so that she spends the money -- but then I know it will inevitably bite me in the backside since I'll end up paying for it one way or the other (e.g. pleas for grocery money since she wasted the money on that mumbojumbo).

 

Ain't Life grand?

 

 

Update:

As it's a year on, and I've back waaaay off, I wrote her a last-ditch, impassioned, lengthy email appealing to her sense of family.

I received a terse reply of 'No' and that she filed for divorce last week and that all along she has stated we would never get back together.

Initially sort of crushed, but then realized I've gone a whole YEAR without her. So...not unexpected, but still...you build a wealth of memories, and this is the sum total. Crazy, and sad.

 

At least I can clearly see the path I'm walking down now, without any lingering hope/ambiguity in my tortured mind.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, it's probably more than a few grand LOL.

 

That is very weird behaviour. She must've really resented you for a long time about something. Not saying it is valid or appropriate.

[worldgonewrong]

 

That is very weird behaviour. She must've really resented you for a long time about something. Not saying it is valid or appropriate.

 

Daddy issues.

Her birth father dumped her mom when she was little; when he was around her for brief periods, as a child, he was a wretched drunk.

 

Her step-father was an abusive drunk as well, even veering on the sexual side of abuse which I don't think she's dealt with.

 

Fast-forward to me: I'm a nice guy. Paying for the sins of these men. And her mother supports it, no doubt, because it's retribution she can't exact on those other 2 men in her life, but can exact it vicariously on me.

 

Effed-up little scene.

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband is the opposite with the Mommy issues. He expects me to fills those shoes while he 'rebels.' I think he is quite mentally ill as well.

 

It is very hard (and really gross) to have that projected on me.

 

I hear you loud and clear.

[worldgonewrong]

Hugs, DOT. You know of whence I speak.

 

And hey update:

Looks like I've landed a lawyer! YAY!

A referral from my sibling -- and because there's a family/friend connection, he's apparently going to work with me in such a way that this is feasible, given my financial straits (i.e. lowering hourly rate, allowing me to pay monthly payments in leiu of paying a whopping retainer). Talk about a Godsend! We're going to meet within the next day or two, but it sounds like a done deal. This takes a load off my mind.

[Steen719]

Good for you, WGW. It is nice to see something good happen for you.

[updown]

my ex pulled some crazy sick stuff after he decided he no longer wanted to be married, and then subsequently left. we signed papers and a girlfriend did show up on his family vacation with the kids..... so, ya never know.

 

i am SHOCKED that your stbx forwarded your email to her lawyer and then they reminded you of the protective order. i've said it before, she's loony. after seeing what my ex was capable of, i was glad that i got out when i did......... it's sad to say and think that, but it was sooooo messed up!

[worldgonewrong]

Thanks, Steen719.

 

updown: yeah, my wife is in crazy mode. Or desperate mode. Take your pick.

I feel sorry for her insofar as she can't SEE clearly.

 

Weird though.

On Monday of last week, she told me she filed the previous week.

On Wednesday, I get her lawyer's email to me. I tell him to send the divorce docs by mail to me.

Yesterday (monday), MY lawyer chats with her lawyer -- no movement had been made to get the docs mailed or sent via process server. WEIRD.

My guess? She's scraping together nickels & dimes for each & every move. "If you want me to mail them, then pay the bill so far." Or something.

No doubt he's alerted to the financial hell she's inviting upon herself by insisting on this divorce. She will get single-mom status in spades, financially, which - even as her husband and the one getting bruised by her actions - I find horrifying that she'd do this to herself. Maybe her lawyer has provided her that jab of reality.

[worldgonewrong]

All I can say at this juncture is: Thank God, I have a lawyer now.

 

Case in point-

Wife hits me up (via email) for gas/grocery money under the guise of "for the children".

I pay everything else, and THIS is her responsibility.

She works by shoehorning full-time hours into a part-time job. Totally enough for groceries/gas.

The REAL rub here (and I made this clear to my lawyer) is that

she's trying to do the juggling act of paying for her lawyer. So it's feed the kids or pay the lawyer -- or tap ME, the safety-net so she can do both. And THEN that's like ME actually paying for 2 lawyers, with one against myself.

For the first time, I told her that I did not have the money to give her.

She asked how much can you give us?

I ignored and forwarded our correspondence to my lawyer for counsel.

I can't keep spinning in this cycle of financial/emotional blackmail.

As she wants it: her money pays for lawyer, yoga/exercise, and a good time out with her friends when I've got the kids.

Uh-uh.

This insanity needs to be aired-out, needs to be thrown into direct sunlight.

So that's why I'm glad I've lawyered-up. Breaking the cycle, or trying to.

I spent last summer giving EVERYTHING, and I'd have like $40 to my name in the aftermath before the next pay cycle. Them days is over.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. quick update - lawyer advises to give whatever I can in check form.

Looks better for me; makes her look bad, I guess.

[dreamingoftigers]

All I can say at this juncture is: Thank God, I have a lawyer now.

 

Case in point-

Wife hits me up (via email) for gas/grocery money under the guise of "for the children".

I pay everything else, and THIS is her responsibility.

She works by shoehorning full-time hours into a part-time job. Totally enough for groceries/gas.

The REAL rub here (and I made this clear to my lawyer) is that

she's trying to do the juggling act of paying for her lawyer. So it's feed the kids or pay the lawyer -- or tap ME, the safety-net so she can do both. And THEN that's like ME actually paying for 2 lawyers, with one against myself.

For the first time, I told her that I did not have the money to give her.

She asked how much can you give us?

 

I ignored and forwarded our correspondence to my lawyer for counsel.

I can't keep spinning in this cycle of financial/emotional blackmail.

As she wants it: her money pays for lawyer, yoga/exercise, and a good time out with her friends when I've got the kids.

Uh-uh.

This insanity needs to be aired-out, needs to be thrown into direct sunlight.

So that's why I'm glad I've lawyered-up. Breaking the cycle, or trying to.

 

I spent last summer giving EVERYTHING, and I'd have like $40 to my name in the aftermath before the next pay cycle. Them days is over.

 

A friend of mine split with her husband in June. Granted he was an ass, but she was incredibly immature.

 

(Alberta is no-fault etc.) she figured that she could kick him out, keep the car, have him make payments on it, send the kid's with him, get alimony and child support. They had been married for just under two years.

 

Oh yeah, and keep the child tax benefit. Jeepers.

 

What a rude awakening for her.

 

No car, and even he can't afford to keep it. She watches the kids half-time, so no child support. Alimony? You've got to be kidding me! She couldn't afford to keep their old place either, so her husband's two brothers have moved in.

 

Although it will be a rude awakening for her husband too. Since she cheated, he thinks he gets to: sue her for damages, get access and child support to the children as he sees fit when the divorce goes through and somehow be entitled to half of her accident settlement which happened months after they were separated (making it not a marital asset).

 

Neither one of them can talk decently in front of their children who are both traumatized. She doesn't even watch them when they are around, she is completely unfit and he deals pot and hash to make ends meet while sitting on government assistance which has just run out.

 

That reminds me, he borrowed a book of mine (actually my husband's) without asking. I have to get that back.

 

Ugh. Some people just don't get it! (and they snag books)

[Tiberius]

If she cant afford the children, offer to take custody of them and she can pay whatever she can afford in child support monies.

[starting2wakeup]

p.s. quick update - lawyer advises to give whatever I can in check form.

Looks better for me; makes her look bad, I guess.

 

YES! Always do your best to pay any money for support by check. It's not that it will make her look bad, but it provides a record that you have done everything you can for your children. I do the same thing and make a note of every cent on my bank records of support paid. It's covering your butt basically. This way, if you are ever accused of not providing for your kids, or living up to any pre-arranged agreement you can pull out your bank statement and show otherwise. ATM withdrawals could be for anything. A check, made out to her, for child support, is much more black and white.

 

All the best to you WGW!

[worldgonewrong]

Belated thanks to you amigas & amigos above re your replies.

As always, you all help me keep my sanity.

 

The latest:

on friday, my lawyer drew first blood. She told me she had filed 3.5 weeks ago, and I'm frankly dizzy/nauseous/anxious from living a stagnant life. So out goes my lawyer's really spot-on and no-holds-barred letter.

Her lawyer replies and it's the usual shooting-for-the-moon bullsh_t (i.e. shoot for the moon AND try to get even MORE). His reply and her apparent Writ don't necessarily surprise me, as I've been through Hell in 2011, but they do take my breath away with their combined audacity.

[BrettLost]

WGW,

 

Mate u are holding up incredibly well. I thank god I was fortunate enough NOT to have lawyers involved last week.

 

There is definately a line that needs to be drawn in the sand, regarding what you "owe" her in regards to money/support. U give an inch, they want a mile.

 

I provide my payments as a weekly transferal. It goes in her account, there's proof it did, and I can back-track it to whenever. It comes out automatically, so it just happens, i forget about it. If I had to hand her a cheque every week/month, I'd "feel" the physical giving her my money. It'd pi$$ me off I think.

 

All the best.

[worldgonewrong]

BrettLost- thanks for the support and wisdom, my man.

 

Y'know, a question - I wonder if these Walk-Aways EVER, at some point in their lives, finally have the enormity of what they've done hit them like a ton of bricks? Where they take note of the bridge they burned and they realize, much to their sorrow and fright, that they can't go back?

[debtman]

wgw,

 

Some of them do...once my stbx broke it off with OM and started dating around some more, I think she realized what we really had and how good things were, in perspective.

 

Unfortunately, by the time she wanted to reconcile and get back together, I had come to grips with things and had moved on.

 

Things aren't perfect, but, it amazes me to look back on where I was just one year ago and how incredibly things have changed since then. I'm happier than I've been in many years. Other than working like a dog to keep up with child support, I'm happier and less stressed than I've been in a long time...and things just keep getting better and better. New opportunities, new interests/activities, new girlfriends...I wouldn't have believed it a year ago if someone told me that I'd be where I am now...

 

Stick to your guns, stay positive and keep focusing on yourself and moving on....

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[jaymz]

Y'know, a question - I wonder if these Walk-Aways EVER, at some point in their lives, finally have the enormity of what they've done hit them like a ton of bricks? Where they take note of the bridge they burned and they realize, much to their sorrow and fright, that they can't go back?

 

Some will do, recently a UK TV presenter spoke about her second marraige failing after she left her first husband for her AP she subsequently married:

 

Andrea McLean's agony as marriage No2 is over

 

How much of it is real or for sympathy (yeah, I am a little suspicious)...

Edited February 21, 2012 by jaymz

[worldgonewrong]

debtman - you're a stronger man than me.

 

jaymz- interesting of her to go public with her thoughts. hmm.

 

Apropos of nothing, I started counseling yesterday. I hit another mental wall and just HAD to. Sick of feeling like my mind is short-circuited so it was good to unload my head.

[updown]

talking to someone is not a bad idea :-) i hope it helps!

 

what state are you in again? how long have you been separated?

 

i'm glad you got a lawyer ;-)

 

 

debtman - you're a stronger man than me.

 

jaymz- interesting of her to go public with her thoughts. hmm.

 

Apropos of nothing, I started counseling yesterday. I hit another mental wall and just HAD to. Sick of feeling like my mind is short-circuited so it was good to unload my head.

[worldgonewrong]

 

what state are you in again? how long have you been separated?

 

i'm glad you got a lawyer ;-)

 

MD. One year plus, now.

 

I'm glad I have a lawyer too, but I hate the IDEA of needing one, being stuck in this position, and throwing money out the window on this. A necessary component to have, but ugh. Makes my stomach grind when I use the words "my lawyer".

[worldgonewrong]

UPDATE - need feedback, please:

 

I've had a LDR female friend (nothing serious) for a number of years. Literally, a pal.

Within the past several months, things have 'heated up'. She lives in the middle of the country, and soon, I have the chance to visit (to see a concert, as the mutual point of interest at first). We have talked a helluva lot and we're very in tune with each other -- philosophically, artistically, sexually. I think we're both mired in the wind-down to our respective disastrous marriages and we're both feeling this need for happy 'escape'.

I told my brother about this and he emphatically said, "Do this" emphasizing that I needed some release, some female closeness, etc.

Thing is...I'm just nervous! I don't want either one of us to get scarred/hurt by this flight into temporary la-la land.

Yet it's a chance, after well over a year now to be with a clooose friend and feel a bond, feel some magic. I'm determined, yet scared/relucant, and confused all at once.

 

I mean, hooray - after so much time, it's terrific to feel desired by a woman again.

But conversely, eek!

Any and all thoughts appreciated.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. Note that I didn't use the term "FWB" as I think it would sort of cheapen how I feel about this person.

[Steen719]

Well, it's not like it was one week after your divorce and the good thing is you are friends first. I would think if she has similar experiences in her divorce and you and she talk about what might happen to your friendship (and agree) if you wander into "temporary la-la land", then maybe it would be a good thing for both of you. The things I would have to think about and talk to her about are these:

 

• If it did not work out to be a relationship you both wanted, could you still remain friends and is your friendship worth losing if you cannot?
  

 

• I know this is down the line thinking, but what if it does work and you are miles and miles from each other? (Considering that ldrs are hardly reliable in determining "real everyday feelings")
  

 

• Does she feel the same way you do about the attraction?
  

I personally think a year is long enough to at least have some perspective. I think we all need validation that we are desired.

 

 

 

Good luck.

[worldgonewrong]

Steen719: thank you for the thoughtful reply.

 

The only bulleted point that I'm sure of is that, yes indeed, the attraction is mutual. Very much so.

 

And I/we have to examine the other 2 points you logically raise.

 

I'm caught between the balance of 'overthinking' this situation and then on the other side of the equation trying to feed the 'Desire' (Id) portion of my brain.