Through the Separation Jungle

[worldgonewrong]

update -

1. Divorce trial looming this month.

2. stressed beyond belief, internally.

3. While I am filled with gratitude on many levels, I still get the gut-churning nausea that my life - even though we'll be divorced - is still inextricably linked to STBXW forever because of our children. I really can't stand her, can't trust her, don't LIKE her. The idea of doing a tightrope-dance into perpetuity makes me almost ill at times.

[Yasuandio]

Be prepared, and ready for anything. When you are talking/answering, look directly at the judge.

 

Here's a tip. Remember you do not after agree with how a question is posed. One wuestion posed to me was "Dr. S, while you were vacationing in Greece.....", I interrupted the attorney's question and said "you mean RECOVERING IN GREECE AFTER I WAS ABANDONED."

 

Don't count on your attorney to be awake - no matter what your paying him/her. My attorney was really great at remembering many things - but she was a completw failure at recalling other equally important things (and since I was medicated - I didn't always think of every item that needed to get on record.)

 

My three day trial, last August, was absolutely the most gruelling experience I have ever been through. I'm still not over it. I don't think I will ever get over it. (And I've really had a great deal of experience in litagation in my latter employment years as a whistle blower - too much probably, for one person to bear).

 

I'd make darn sure to have your attorney cross examine her on her boyfriend/affair and the start of it. Sopeanea the phone records now - before it is too late. If you have no proof - she can just lie. You can also call hime in or at least list him on the witness list to freak her out. That is always a good strategy.

 

I think that will be important to you when it comes to alimony. I hope you do not blow off this dimension of the case - cause you will be paying alimony - and the extracurricular activities of your wife are going to dimeinsh the amount. A longetudinal cost benefit analysis will show you the logic behind what I am telling you here. When you factor in the amount of child suport which is a given - then the amount of alimony is consideration you had better have a look at - as it is over a period of years. And you marriage is of significant length, anad we know how creative she is with her re-write of the marriage (plus, if I remember correctly, she the pititioner - she probably will do a heck of a lot of talking up front (like I did), and you are the DEFENDANT).

 

Have you considered a counter-suit on grounds of adultry? Tht would give the judge the opportunity to find in your favor - if you have proof of her affair. Hoppfully dimishing or eliminating the alimony. Or perhaps just giving her rehabilitation for a short length of time. In this case I would call her partner to the stand. Why not? You are already going to trial, it itn't going to cost that much more. But ten years of alimony is gonna hurt you big time. Plus your retirement, possibly a portion of your ss benefits down the line, insurances, etc,. etc., etc.

 

Anyway, just a few ideas to toss around, from one who has been there recently. Yas

Edited January 8, 2013 by Yasuandio

[worldgonewrong]

Thanks for your input, Yas. Good things to mull over here.

 

I don't think I can quite tackle the adultery angle much, seeing as I now have a GF.

 

But I have addressed it with my lawyer in so far as *I* am paying rent on a house in which she lives and brings in another man when I've got the kids. My name is on that lease with hers. It's morally corrupt, on a few levels, and whatever else you want to call it.

[Yasuandio]

Thanks for your input, Yas. Good things to mull over here.

 

I don't think I can quite tackle the adultery angle much, seeing as I now have a GF.

 

But I have addressed it with my lawyer in so far as *I* am paying rent on a house in which she lives and brings in another man when I've got the kids. My name is on that lease with hers. It's morally corrupt, on a few levels, and whatever else you want to call it.

 

 

Your GF was post-separation, and irrelavant at trial. Although, it may be a topic you are asked to speak about - you just tell the truth. What is relevant is adultry. Cannot recall if I suggested a counter-suit strategy or not. Can be done even in no fault situation - to get the adultry matter on the table.

 

I would definately call her affair partner to the stand, and have your attorney cross examine him - (might as well since you are going all the way to trial) - as it is not only morially corrupt, it is a violation of the "legal" marital contract (you will thank me later when the judge reduces or eliminates your alimony payments all together). I'm telling you, the introduction of alimony payments after what she has done to you and your family could be painful to you.

 

Another side benefit is that it will cause him and her a lot of stress and exposure - as it should be. This is no time to be nice. Just think back to you introduction to LS 101, re-read your posts, what a mess, - how destroyed you were for a good solid year or more.

 

Good luck WGW. Let's pray your World Goes Right at Trial. Yas

[trippi1432]

Not sure how it is in your state WGW, but a lady in my state sued her exH's new wife for $30MM and won the state's largest Alienation of Affection Lawsuit here. $10MM in compensatory damages and $20MM in punitive damages. Several lawsuits out there in my state for it actually and I even considered one myself at one point.

 

Just as info, "At common law, alienation of affections is a tort action brought by a deserted spouse against a third party alleged to be responsible for the failure of the marriage. The defendant in an alienation of affections suit is typically an adulterous spouse's lover, although family members, counselors and therapists or clergy members who have advised a spouse to seek divorce have also been sued for alienation of affections."

 

Just info....but interesting....

[worldgonewrong]

~~~drumroll~~~

 

Officially divorced as of yesterday.

We settled prior to going to court; yesterday's court appearance was just rubber-stamping, basically.

I feel immense relief, closure, and promise for the future, even if things aren't entirely neat & tidy in life right now (when are they ever?).

Thank you to EVERYONE on L.S. who coached/counseled/supported me during this time. You all are awesome individuals.

[worldgonewrong]

Two things -

 

1. update: told my kids that the divorce was official. THAT was hard for me, but they were totally cool with things. They were like, "Oh, I thought you were going to tell us something we didn't already sorta know."

 

2. I have a simple bit of encouragement/morale-boosting for the newcomers here; this has been on my mind a lot, particularly seeing as how this forum is like an Emergency Room where the doors constantly fly open with new wounded people needing to be triaged and operated-upon. It's heartbreaking.

But here's something I want to fix in the newcomers' minds:

Do YOU believe that YOU are worthy of love?

If the answer is 'no', then let your crumbling relationship die because if you don't believe it, then she/he is not either.

If the answer is 'yes' and you're not receiving love, as much as you're giving, then realize that your crumbling relationship might not be worth as much as you originally thought. In other words, you deserve better. You deserve Love. Gravitate towards that which makes you healthier, happier. Don't keep drinking from the same polluted well. And if your spouse refuses to help clean the metaphorical well, then holy hell, PLEASE move on and find an unpolluted well that won't sicken you and kill you by degrees.

[moonunitalpha]

WGW,

 

I am at the very beginning stage of the Separation Jungle. W just informed me 2 weeks ago that she is considering separation. "Considering" means she's finding out from the bank whether she can afford this little house near ours to live in. We have two girls, ages 2 and 5. We never had a very strong romantic foundation for our marriage, and we've both supplied our share of pain and non-fulfillment to the other, but this came right out of the blue on me.

 

Two days ago she dropped the bomb on the me that the reason she's feeling this way is she has feelings for a mutual friend and neighbor. I'm guessing, but I don't what to know, that "feelings" means some physical boundaries have already been crossed.

 

I honestly don't know if there is hope to reconcile, or if we are going to end up in a way I never, ever thought I would.

 

Anyway, my head is spinning, my heart is on the roller-coaster ride, and everything in my world just got turned upside down. I've only read through about page 16 of your entire saga here, but I have to tell you that it is really therapeutic to read about your good days and bad. I have hope because you sound a lot like me, and your life is going on.

 

Thank you for keeping us up to date for so long. I'll keep reading a little each day until I get caught up, but it is so great to know that there are men out there that give a sh*t and get rocked and stand back up.

[Caldespair]

Moon-

 

With such young kids I would really try to work it out. Is there any way she will try to do MC with you? Its been hard enogh for me with my 2 tennagers and only 1 is still at home. I know you must be feeling like your world is upside down. Stick with this site. Its been onl 2 months since my saga started and this site has been a an AMAZING resource. Hang in there.

[habs53]

Not sure how it is in your state WGW, but a lady in my state sued her exH's new wife for $30MM and won the state's largest Alienation of Affection Lawsuit here. $10MM in compensatory damages and $20MM in punitive damages. Several lawsuits out there in my state for it actually and I even considered one myself at one point.

 

Just as info, "At common law, alienation of affections is a tort action brought by a deserted spouse against a third party alleged to be responsible for the failure of the marriage. The defendant in an alienation of affections suit is typically an adulterous spouse's lover, although family members, counselors and therapists or clergy members who have advised a spouse to seek divorce have also been sued for alienation of affections."

 

Just info....but interesting....

I already told you, im not giving you one cent of that trippi

[habs53]

That was a long read for one night but i did it. Way to hang in there World. I still come back to this forum for a visit once in a while.

 

Yep some woman can be evil at times. lol

 

Years later now for me. Good advise for anyone is keep records of everything. I mean everything. I ended up winning full custody of my son, and made her look like a retard in the courtroom. Take full advantage of there affairs because there not thinking with a full deck of cards. Yes, im now a true believer that most marriages end because of cheating . Don't believe the lies and false hope.

[worldgonewrong]

Thank you for keeping us up to date for so long. I'll keep reading a little each day until I get caught up, but it is so great to know that there are men out there that give a sh*t and get rocked and stand back up.

 

Oh man, you are welcome, and I'm so so sorry your journey is just beginning.

But what you wrote above there - keep that fixed in your brain. You might get thrown around, but dammit YES, you will stand back up. You will!

 

habs53: you too speak the truth, brother. and congrats on enduring the whole thread, haha!

[worldgonewrong]

A question for any dumped spouses:

 

Have you been the BS who then, after the dust settled, recovered and got into a healthy relationship...only to discover that it made your Dumping Ex livid/jealous that someone else would have you even though he/she didn't want you???

[Yasuandio]

A question for any dumped spouses:

 

Have you been the BS who then, after the dust settled, recovered and got into a healthy relationship...only to discover that it made your Dumping Ex livid/jealous that someone else would have you even though he/she didn't want you???

 

That is natural. Your spouse decided she didn't want you, and placed no value on you. Now, your spouse cannot have you anymore, she has lost you. It turns out that you are a nice guy that is in demand - other women want you, and value you. Oh dear! Now she is sorry about what she gave up, and she is pulling her tits out. She wants you now - but can't have you! As Homer McDonald would say, someone else has taken her Mercedes out for a ride and they ain't coming back! Of course your former wife is outta her mind! Remember how you felt? Well, at least what you are doing is above board and legit.

 

I'm so happy for you, WGW! I am still learning how to date. I went out with girlfriends the other night and they introduced me to a young man that liked me very much - especially when we started talking about race cars! Having the girls with me was helpful, cause they could kick me under the table if I was doing anything inappropriate. I only got one kick. That was for telling him that "I could beat his azz in two seconds with my little Z3." (Lesson: Do not challenge men).

 

Dating takes pratice after being married for 27 years! It is great to have the girls, cause they know everyone around here - and serve as my chaparones! You know, the girls approved him and knew everything about him after the whole evering was over - and I didn't know shyt. The guy has an MBA, and is some sort of Engineer or something - and the girls say he really likes me. OMG. He drove me home, and I did as was instructed, I shock his hand, and I said, "Thank you for being such a nice Gentleman and for driving me home." Plus, I did some bragging on his car as we drove - a 91 T-Bird classic, floated like a boat, the seats even have a device that hugs and conforms to your waste - I mean even Beemers don't have that!

 

I cannot wait to see former husband get crazy when the guys are knocking down my door! Again, so happy for you, WGW! How far you have come! Yas

[worldgonewrong]

and she is pulling her tits out.

 

:laugh:

Hahaha! You rock, Yas! Too funny!

 

You sound a helluva lot better too. Simply awesome!!

[worldgonewrong]

Meant to add: ex-wife doesn't explicitly know about my relationship, as far as I know, but has some sort of implicit sense. I'm getting that vibe from her. At the wind-down of 2 years of hell, I mysteriously gave up, consented to the divorce, and stopped all emotional appeals and such...'cause I lost interest and grew and moved the heck ON.

And I think it shocks her.

Particularly now that we're divorced, she thinks I'm pretty brewing up some last written salvo. But truth is? The woman bores me to tears. Her self-perpetuated drama. My guess is she's a little stir-crazy from the lack of attention/reaction on my end. I officially don't care! ha ha ha! I'm free, FREE!

[Yasuandio]

Meant to add: ex-wife doesn't explicitly know about my relationship, as far as I know, but has some sort of implicit sense. I'm getting that vibe from her. At the wind-down of 2 years of hell, I mysteriously gave up, consented to the divorce, and stopped all emotional appeals and such...'cause I lost interest and grew and moved the heck ON.

And I think it shocks her.

Particularly now that we're divorced, she thinks I'm pretty brewing up some last written salvo. But truth is? The woman bores me to tears. Her self-perpetuated drama. My guess is she's a little stir-crazy from the lack of attention/reaction on my end. I officially don't care! ha ha ha! I'm free, FREE!

 

Listen dude, she knows. Every woman knows. Plus, she also knows you don't give a rat's behind about her. That really steams her panties big time.

[worldgonewrong]

Just had an isolated memory:

I recall when I went through this whole process how, at the beginning, certain friends (dear friends, even) who were married treated the disintegration of my marriage like some kind of cancer that they might catch. In hindsight, it was really intriguing to watch; at the time, I felt like I was a leper. Nobody was mean or distant, mind you; but there was always that surface feeling they were emitting like "I hope we don't catch what they caught".

don't know if that has happened to anyone else.

Just an odd little memory.

[TailSpin75]

WGW - is there a way to send private message on LS?

 

Regarding your post - at 3 months in I find I do not want to be around families. My children yes, but other 'whole' families... just not there yet.

[worldgonewrong]

TailSpin75- hang on. Let me turn my private-message mailbox thing on.

 

And yeah, I had the same thing. Could be around my kids, but seeing other families would make me queasy.

[worldgonewrong]

TailSpin75: ok, my private-message box is up & running again.

[beenburned]

WGW,

 

I'm so happy for you!!

 

As you know it took my D over 2 years to get her divorce, as her XH would not compromise on anything! Finally the judge just told him exactly what he would do or face jail time!

 

She is now dating an old HS friend, who is treating her and her D like gold.

She updates her facebook a lot, and it never fails to send XH into a fit of rage with him bombing her phone with angry texts or emails!(and he was a serial cheater)

[TailSpin75]

WGW - no dice... Says I have insufficient privileges.

Edited March 12, 2013 by TailSpin75

[worldgonewrong]

beenburned: thank you! thank you! And that's good to hear about your D! Terrific!

 

TailSpin75: I think you have to up your post count to something like 100 for your private-message function to kick in. (Somebody enlighten me if I'm wrong!)

[TailSpin75]

Understood - 19 more ... thanks