Through the Separation Jungle

[worldgonewrong]

 

WGW, I sense you are already growing away in a very short time.

 

I guess I am.

There's only so much rejection a person can endure before you have to pull yourself up and keep forging ahead.

I came to the firm and quick realization that I can't afford to be a basket-case with 2 kids in the picture. If they absorb that, then they're sunk too. So, on the contrary, they're relatively happy & well-adjusted kids with good grades and great dreams; I want them to stay that way.

 

It also boils down to the basic fact that it takes TWO people to make a relationship. One person can't do all the work, all the pleading, all the begging for forgiveness, delivering all the promises for change, etc.

When one person willfully and stubbornly and hurtfully shuts you out, you have to accept it or else endure an endless barrage of hurtful reinforcement that you are somehow the eternal a*sshole.

 

Also, I hold no ill will toward her. Whatever bullsh*t she's sown, that's HERS to carry around. It does me no good FOR ME to wish her bad luck or misfortune; it wouldn't be healthy.

 

(Sorry. Long rambling answer to your observation...)

[worldgonewrong]

A satisfying weekend with my kids.

Felt a bump on the emotional roller-coaster after their visit --

thought over the weird disparity between our 2 MC sessions in January, before the split:

in the first session, she said we were over and this would lead to divorce inevitably.

in the second session, she said this was short-term.

My mind is mush from trying to make sense of The Crazy, so I'll stop.

[debtman]

wgw,

 

Excellent posts. You're sounding more positive all the time. It's certainly tough to maintain and I seem to have the most "bumps" after dropping off my kids. I had the kids all weekend. Had to take my 4 yo son to the Dr. on Saturday for pink eye and yesterday, I was upstairs running a bath for my daughter when I hear her scream downstairs. I raced out and we met at the top of the stairs and she was holding her face which was covered with blood. After a moment of panic I switched into first responder mode and quickly saw that it was a 1/2" cut over her eye with a big bruise already swelling up. She had fell into a bookshelf while she was playing.

 

I calmed her down, cleaned up the blood, got pressure and ice on it and called my W at her new rental home. OM answered the phone sounding very happy "Xxx Xxx's residence." I asked for her, told her what happened and asked if I could drop our son off. She was concerned, I told her everything was fine but it looked like it might need a stitch or two. I stopped at her place, dropped off my son in the driveway (which is what I do when OM is there so I don't have to see him) and then I spent the next 6 hours in the ER with my daughter. We actually had a great time waiting there. She took about 100 pictures of herself with my cell phone camera and kept saying "this is the best day ever." We finally got to see the Dr. and they were able to glue her cut back together and no stitches were needed, which was great.

 

I dropped her off on my way home and my neighbors invited me over for a few drinks when I got home and we had a nice time visiting and talking about what an insane decision she has made and how much she will regret it eventually. Even though she may never admit it to anyone.

 

I woke up this morning and immediately found myself missing my W. I don't know why and it bothered me for a good hour. The thought of her and OM at her new house with my kids just makes me crazy sometimes.

 

Then, I reminded myself that I can't control her, I have to let it go, I need to be happy and content for myself and the kids and I need to finish unpacking my stuff and packing up her stuff so I can put my life back together and move on.

 

It's always good to come here and see other people making progress, moving on, making good choices and knowing that there are other people going through the same emotions and dealing with similar issues...

 

It's a temporary situation...life is good...

[starting2wakeup]

WGW, I am so glad to hear you had a great weekend with your kids. I hope you have many, many more. I know spending time with my girls is often the quickest and most effective way of lifting my spirits.

 

debtman, I am very glad to hear your daughter is OK.

 

OM answered the phone sounding very happy "Xxx Xxx's residence."

 

I would have lost it! Granted if I was in parent mode, as you were, taking care of your daughter, I may have pushed through the anger quickly but... I imagine that stung. I feel for your situation debtman. I recently had a conversation with a buddy who had asked how I was doing. As we were talking he asked if my W was seeing anybody. I told him to my knowledge, she is not but that I had obviously had to consider such a situation. If my W finds another man one day, hopefully not tomorrow, but one day, fine. There's nothing I can really do about it and you know what, I didn't do so bad myself when I was single. I'm sure I will find someone who appreciates me one day. But when it comes to my kids, I may wind up in jail, because the thought of any other man around them drives me insane. Debtman, through out all that you have been through and are going through, you have proven yourself to be stronger than most. And that strength gives hope to others, like myself. Thank you.

 

She took about 100 pictures of herself with my cell phone camera and kept saying "this is the best day ever."

 

My oldest daughter tells me that all the time. We could be having the laziest most boring day and ever but to her, it's the best day ever. I never get tired of hearing that.

[worldgonewrong]

It's a temporary situation...life is good...

 

That's the root of it, right?

 

As always, you handle yourself and things with your kids with such grace under fire. I continue to learn a helluva lot from you.

[What_Next]

WGW and debtman I am overjoyed to read you both had good weekends with your children. You both seem to be starting to level off.

 

WGW I understand the impact the differences in your MC sessions can have. I'll not soon forget my first MC session back in June (I think) of last year. The first words out of my wifes mouth to the councilor when asked why we were there were "well because our marriage is over". That tore into me like a knife. Here we are less than a year together and we are on the road to recovery. It CAN happen.

 

Debtman, once again you flat out amaze me. If an OM had of answered the phone like that and I was calling for my wife I'd have blown a gasket. Then again I'd have never made it as far as you have, I'd have likely beaten the guy half to death (I am NOT suggesting that by the way)... I can understand that feeling of absolute joy that comes from a child saying things like your daughter said to you though, there is nothing like that in the world.

 

I'm thinking of you both, not that I can help, but I can and will continue to offer my support.

[worldgonewrong]

Footnote:

since I've REALLY gone LC with the wife, an interesting development has occurred -- she's started to use my name again in texts. Before she was very detached, and now it's like "Hi, Jack", and all that. I detect a subtle thaw. Though not banking on it 'til I see glaciers move.

[worldgonewrong]

WGW I understand the impact the differences in your MC sessions can have. I'll not soon forget my first MC session back in June (I think) of last year. The first words out of my wifes mouth to the councilor when asked why we were there were "well because our marriage is over". That tore into me like a knife. Here we are less than a year together and we are on the road to recovery. It CAN happen.

 

I've got some hope, I won't lie.

And you don't know how good it is (perversely enough) to hear how another guy went down the SAME DAMN ROAD in MC, and yet emerged from it down the line with hope for recovery.

Damn. It makes me feel good to read your words.

[What_Next]

WGW in my case my wife's words were largely caused by her affair. In addition I realize just how much I contributed to the situation. I am not the same person I was back then, and I also know neither is she.

[worldgonewrong]

WGW in my case my wife's words were largely caused by her affair. In addition I realize just how much I contributed to the situation. I am not the same person I was back then, and I also know neither is she.

 

I admire your clarity of thought here, my man.

 

And it's true: if a couple reconciles, then they cannot -- no way, no how -- return to the couple they once were. They have to be changed.

[worldgonewrong]

One thing I'm learning -- my wife responds well to me being decisive and putting my foot down.

We had a brief email exchange (all business, mind you! no emotion involved) and I concluded by saying, "This is the way it's going to be. We don't have to talk about this anymore."

For some reason, I think she respects me MORE when I grab the situation by the balls and just lay it on the line. (sorry for mixed metaphors)

[worldgonewrong]

Other things I've learned:

my wife is an intensely stubborn and selfish woman.

She will not say "thank you" or "I'm sorry" unless there's something in it for her.

Her mother's like this too -- a superficial cow with no soul.

[What_Next]

Her mother's like this too -- a superficial cow with no soul.

 

I know that wasn't meant to be funny, but I couldn't help but laugh when I read it....

 

FWIW one of the personality quirks that always drove me crazy with my wife was the fact that she would NEVER (and I mean NEVER) admit she was wrong or had made a mistake. No matter the situation she would never, never, never admit any mistakes. We learned though MC where that came from, and she through her IC learned a lot about that as well. It was a source of frustration for us and we are both glad she worked it through.

 

Now on the flip side I've had to learn how to hear her say she is sorry and how to react to it.

 

Stubborness, well that's a trait many of us have.

[worldgonewrong]

I know that wasn't meant to be funny, but I couldn't help but laugh when I read it....

 

No, it's OK, laughing is good! We either laugh or we cry, ya know?

Seriously tho, my mother-in-law has that bovine glassy-eyed look unless the conversation is about HER or if she's champing at the bit for her next glass of Chardonnay. Otherwise, she's hopelessly bored with everyone and anything, including her own daughter.

 

 

Now on the flip side I've had to learn how to hear her say she is sorry and how to react to it.

I bet you try not to fall on the floor, eh?

Jeez, I wish with all my heart that I was making the same progress as you and your wife.

 

unrelated - at lunch today, as I took a walk, I felt this shudder of fear/horror/emptiness inside me when it hit me: If the woman I've loved for 20 years can just 'turn it off' and leave me high & dry, then how could I ever TRUST anyone again, much less fall in love again? What does trust & love mean, what is it worth, if you can be screwed over after investing so much of your soul in another person? I feel like I want to protect that 'thing' inside me, but I even doubt how much I have left inside me. What's the point of protecting your own trust/love when you feel like it's been sucked all away from you by someone you loved for a long, long time? I don't feel like I'll ever recover from this...

Edited March 15, 2011 by worldgonewrong

[Yasuandio]

I am debating whether or not to post a hidiously long reply to your last few posts. Some theories, POV, ideas, I've come up with which may or may not give you some insight. I find writing up my ideas on LS to be extremely theraputic. But once I get started on my iPhone, I can really get into it, and then my page is stuck on a response to a thread that has gotten too long. I don't know how to transer it or cut/paste to move to perhaps my journal, which may be more suitable for a portion of the longer entry.

 

Oh well, while I ponder away on that, I recieved one of those email newsletter things that I signed up for on the Divorce Busters site regarding Michelle's perspective on the wedding ring delimma.

 

Interesting. She suggests using the removal of wedding ring as a "last resort" method. Say nothing, just do it.

 

WGW, not sure you are at the Last Resort stage yet. As I recall, there is no going back on many of those things. Although, in the newsletter she indicates that the absence of the wedding ring might prompt a productive discussion. But applying common sense, I suppose it is rather a radical statement to remove it -- accordingly, a statement you can't take back. FYI

Edited March 17, 2011 by Yasuandio

[worldgonewrong]

Yasuandio- I'm all in favor of a hideously long reply, seriously! please! I welcome your thoughts, the lengthier the better.

And yeah, the wedding ring has been on my finger again since last week. For some reason, *I* feel right about it. It's not a pining-away thing, but something intrinsically deeper to me.

Anyway, feel free, Y.

[Yasuandio]

The minute I read your response on another screen, the bloody iPhone erased my dissertation. So sorry. I will try again. Crap!

[worldgonewrong]

There are days when reading this forum is just too overwhelming, and this is one of them.

There's too much sadness & hurt in the world.

Love should be a pretty easy thing, but stupid complications/ego interfere.

Today, I miss her terribly. Period.

I won't break NC, because I know the pain would be worse. But I miss her with every fiber of my soul and I wish things could change back to happier times.

[What_Next]

WGW, boy do I understand what you are saying about reading LS. It can be so hard. Just hang in there. You are doing so well. Go out and do something that will take your mind off this.

 

I wish I was near you, I'd take you out, buy you a pint.

 

 

Hang in there bud, you'll be OK.

[debtman]

I'm right there with you. I dropped off the kids last night and went out to a bar with some friends, including a girl I've known forever who is also getting a D. Had a good time, enjoyed the company, got a little buzzed, but, the whole time, I couldn't help thinking how I would rather be at home, with my family, the way things were just 6 months ago.

 

Amazing how fast things can change.

 

It's good to be back in the house, but it was quiet and dark last night when I got home and I miss my family.

 

I know it's temporary. I know there are LOTS of amazing opportunities awaiting me and fantastic things down the road and I KNOW things will work out for everyone, but, I sometimes feel that I'd do anything to go back a year and try REALLY hard to make it work.

 

But, if both people aren't willing to recognize that they both need to make changes and both need to work together, it never will...

[debtman]

Of course, it doesn't help any to know that I'm dealing with all of this on my own and she's already got OM there comforting her, telling her everything will be fine and he loves her...

 

Oh well...

[marqueemoon4]

I'm right there with you. I dropped off the kids last night and went out to a bar with some friends, including a girl I've known forever who is also getting a D. Had a good time, enjoyed the company, got a little buzzed, but, the whole time, I couldn't help thinking how I would rather be at home, with my family, the way things were just 6 months ago.

 

Amazing how fast things can change.

 

It's good to be back in the house, but it was quiet and dark last night when I got home and I miss my family.

 

I know it's temporary. I know there are LOTS of amazing opportunities awaiting me and fantastic things down the road and I KNOW things will work out for everyone, but, I sometimes feel that I'd do anything to go back a year and try REALLY hard to make it work.

 

But, if both people aren't willing to recognize that they both need to make changes and both need to work together, it never will...

 

 

I'm totally there too.. I'm doing my best not to dwell on the past but I would give anything to go back a year when my marriage was still salvageable and recognize I was about to lose so much. No matter what distraction I try, I always feel I'd rather be spending time with my wife and son. I go back and forth between demonizing her and beating myself up. I know why I acted the way I did, but I clearly underestimated just how far gone she was by May of last year, and I hadn't emotionally detached from her at all. She is long gone, with another man and it appears she couldn't be happier. I don't think this is a front, I think she really planned this out and is doing what she wants now. I have major trouble being around her because she is so over me she can easily ignore me 100% which I can't stand. Then I get upset or angry and it just solidifies that she made the right choice. The whole thing is draining and extremely painful.

 

wgw, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and if you keep doing the right things you'll be fine regardless of the outcome. Hang in there buddy.

[worldgonewrong]

W_N, debtman, marqueemoon4: thank you, guys. You're the best. We're all in this together, must not lose sight of that.

 

In terms of distractions, I love to record music, so that's been my thing these days - losing myself in working on tunes.

 

In terms of other distractions, it's funny 'cause since the split, I've become more disciplined. I observe Lent so I'm off booze 'til Easter. But even then, the lure of ciggies and a little recreational herb hold no allure for me, even though I could have them at my disposal. Something about bearing the pain in a straight frame of mind seems to suit me better right now; I fear anything on top of it would be like a match on a gasoline, emotionally. (Although yes, I'm looking forward to mucho beers in about a month. ;-) )

[What_Next]

Smart decision WGW, trust me. My family history and my own life put me in a danger zone for alcoholism and in fact I do drink too much as it is. However, during our seperation I hit the bottle HARD. I mean HARD. Almost lost my job, did serious damage to my health and set myself back years. It can get out of control FAST.

 

Have a few beers, yup, but keep it in check. I'd be more inclined to use some of that "special" herb, for medical purposes only of course

 

What really helped me was physical activity, specifically bike riding. Now that the weather is warming up here in my corner of planet earth I'll return to it.

 

Keep posting, I check back often and I'l always try and lift your spirits.

[worldgonewrong]

W_N: word. Physical activity has been a godsend to me. I walk my ass off, do sit-ups & crunches. My beer paunch has vanished and I no longer look sorta bloated.

Have a good weekend!