Through the Separation Jungle

[marqueemoon4]

don't do it. she has to come to you or you're just spinning your wheels.

[worldgonewrong]

don't do it. she has to come to you or you're just spinning your wheels.

 

I won't. You are right.

 

I would rather spend the time watching Bill Murray yell, "It just doesn't matter!" anyway.

[marqueemoon4]

I won't. You are right.

 

I would rather spend the time watching Bill Murray yell, "It just doesn't matter!" anyway.

 

And even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we win! Even if we play so far above our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk because they've got all the money! It just doesn't matter if we win or we lose. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

[worldgonewrong]

hahahaha, too damn funny! ~cracking up over here~

[What_Next]

I agree, resist that urge. It's OK to have that urge, but giving in to it at this point serves no purpose.

 

I admire your sense of humor and your strength. The irony is that for me, it seems that my marriage is slowly on the road to recovery but for me personally I haven't felt so down as I have in the past few days in my entire life. I just want to find a hole somewhere and crawl into it. Not sure where it is coming from.

 

Keep it up WGW! I'm pulling for you.

[worldgonewrong]

Thank you, W_N!!!

 

Maybe you're feeling down - despite the road to recovery - because you're feeling the 'aftershocks' of what happened previously.

[Yasuandio]

DON'T DO IT! Resist! I read that it is very common that once this urge or feeling strikes in one partner, its a signal that the other partner may very well be feeling the urge too. Wait, observe, control every fiber of your being.

[worldgonewrong]

DON'T DO IT! Resist! I read that it is very common that once this urge or feeling strikes in one partner, its a signal that the other partner may very well be feeling the urge too. Wait, observe, control every fiber of your being.

 

OK, I'm keeping cool then.

 

From your lips (or fingers) to God's ears, re the bolded part.

[What_Next]

Maybe you're feeling down - despite the road to recovery - because you're feeling the 'aftershocks' of what happened previously.

 

Not sure, perhaps you are right. I can't say I've ever felt this down. Oh well, today is another day right?

[Yasuandio]

Hold on a second. Just because Dr. Bob Grant LPC says it in his book entitled "How To Get Him Back," and I'm quoting it to you, doesn't mean you should take it as gospel. It's a just a concept that made good sense to me.

 

Note: there were some qualifiers in the post. Not enough, however. I really should have flipped the statement "may or may not" as this could never really be quantifiable in terms of a scientific fact - just way too subjective, millions of variables. Normally I cover my ass so much better. I apologize.

 

I am really not sure what kind of Doctor Grant is - Ph.D., Ed.D.? Probably not an M.D., or he'd say so.

 

I really enjoyed and learned a great deal from his e-book. I felt that point could be extrapolated to the other gender. Actually, I believe the woman is always thinking of the man more anyway. He is a simplistic writer, though quite logical material, some of which challenged me, and/or caught me by surprise.

Edited March 30, 2011 by Yasuandio

[worldgonewrong]

It's cool - trust me, I'm not pinning everything on that one thought.

 

You wrote,

Actually, I believe the woman is always thinking of the man more anyway.

 

Hm. Even when the woman is the Dumper? I dunno.

[worldgonewrong]

Not sure, perhaps you are right. I can't say I've ever felt this down. Oh well, today is another day right?

 

Think of all the days & the miseries you've gotten through. You've survived 'em. You're a champ. Today is peanuts by comparison to everything else you slogged through to arrive here.

[What_Next]

Thanks WGW, I very much appreciate it.

[worldgonewrong]

Yas- I think I found a picture of Dr. Grant here.

 

(kidding, kidding!)

[Yasuandio]

Yas- I think I found a picture of Dr. Grant here.

 

(kidding, kidding!)

 

WGW...you're a sream!

[Yasuandio]

It's cool - trust me, I'm not pinning everything on that one thought.

 

You wrote,

 

Hm. Even when the woman is the Dumper? I dunno.

 

It may depend on if she's seeing someone.

Edited March 30, 2011 by Yasuandio

[worldgonewrong]

Love Sick

 

(Bob Dylan)

 

 

I’m walking through streets that are dead

Walking, walking with you in my head

My feet are so tired, my brain is so wired

And the clouds are weeping

Did I hear someone tell a lie?

Did I hear someone’s distant cry?

I spoke like a child; you destroyed me with a smile

While I was sleeping

I’m sick of love but I’m in the thick of it

This kind of love I’m so sick of it

I see, I see lovers in the meadow

I see, I see silhouettes in the window

I watch them ’til they’re gone and they leave me hanging on

To a shadow

I’m sick of love; I hear the clock tick

This kind of love; I’m love sick

Sometimes the silence can be like the thunder

Sometimes I feel like I’m being plowed under

Could you ever be true? I think of you

And I wonder

I’m sick of love; I wish I’d never met you

I’m sick of love; I’m trying to forget you

Just don’t know what to do

I’d give anything to be with you

[Yasuandio]

WGW, Keep holding on. We are all with you. Don't act.

 

Play some something goth, loud, and obnoxious. Dump the ballads, you're gonna break my heart.

[worldgonewrong]

Hey Yas- quick update -

I've been laid up with stomach-virus/flu combo since late yesterday, so that's cooled my heels. Don't worry; I haven't acted, and I won't.

[willowthewisp]

So familiar man...the limbo you are living in just sucks. I know because I was just there. I suppose I'm somewhat lucky because at least my W has OM, so I know for sure where she stands. Also, she felt very ostracized in our neighborhood because my neighbors were all very offended by how fast OM started going over all the time and I've always had a great friendship with all of them...consequently, she moved out into a small rental house with no neighbors, so I finally got back into my house. Affording mortgage, debt payments and child support is a real strain, but I'm going to get through it.

 

And yes, my W is/was mean spirited and she would flip-flop back and forth between being nice (guilt driven) and being incredibly mean (to justify her actions).

 

 

 

That is completely temporary. Just because the dumper isn't dealing with anything now doesn't mean they won't down the road. We can walk away knowing that we did everything we could to make things work. We offered everything but were turned down.

 

I don't feel guilt when I drop off my kids and my daughter starts crying and reaching for me. I'm hurt that she has to go through that trauma and am angry at my W for causing her that pain, but I know I did everything I could to avoid that.

 

I'm learning from the failed relationship. I'm examining what went wrong. I'm preparing for the rest of my life. Meanwhile, my W is in the fog with OM, stuck in the honeymoon phase, neither of them learning anything about themselves or relationships and, inevitably, they will repeat the same cycle. Then, she'll either start to deal with her actions or, more likely, she'll just find someone else to fill that relationship slot and will continue the cycle.

 

Losing a piece of yourself is incredibly painful, but, I'm starting to see the positives and, eventually, they will outweigh the negatives and life will only continue to get better.

 

I had an incredible day with my son yesterday (we did a father/son only day) and spent a good hour playing together. Which, if I was still with my W, would have NEVER happened because I always had a million things I had to get done in order to keep up with her expectations. I wouldn't trade that hour we had for anything and I plan to do lots more of those...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

 

This is exactly what my IC keeps telling me. He says he sees it all the time, mostly in relation to loss of a loved one due to death (as a lot of his work over the last 40 years has been with this) but it applies to walk aways too. He say my ex is in denial and has jumped into an avoidance relationship. Whereas we are grieving and dealing with the pain, they are avoiding it. Eventually, denial lifts, it has to, there is no eacape from that. It may be next week, it may be in 20 years and it could be due to a similar trigger (someone leaves them) or something really small, like a memory of you, random, unexpected, but when it lifts, it will be like it just happened that morning for them and they too will have to grive. My IC is adamant about this, I hope he is right because like you WGW, part of what makes it so hard is the frustration that you can't even defend yourself because you end up looking bad. How is that right? It isn't.

[worldgonewrong]

willowthewisp- thank you for the very prescient reply! In some ways, I really do take some comfort from which you have pointed out.

 

The "avoidance relationship" assessment is so very spot-on. Anything having to do remotely with me on a personal level is side-stepped. Case in point, I had to not take the kids this weekend due to sickness; she replies "OK, alright", as opposed to offering any shred of sympathy. If I do a nice little gesture or courtesy, she can't deign to offer any thanks whatsoever. Stuff like that. ~sigh~ I wish she could see that I've atoned for any & all sins, and that it's so insane & extreme to NAPALM our marriage.

 

Anyway, I thank you. It's good to get validation amidst this nightmare.

Edited April 3, 2011 by worldgonewrong

[updown]

if i were in your wife's shoes and knew you didn't want it over, i think after a cooling off period i would probably approach you to see if you were interested in trying to work things out. but, as for how long that cooling off period would be i can't say. and how far i had to remove myself from the relationship, i don't know. in my case, it was far and long. i would be willing to consider talking about working things out, but it would not be a fast process. i doubt your situation is like mine though :-)

 

i think leaving her alone is the best bet. hope you kick the flu bug fast! no fun being sick!!

[Yasuandio]

This time last year I was still recovering from a botched dental implant procedure that went terribly wrong. When the surgion removed the root canaled tooth, he also took away a hunk of my jaw bone. Needlesstosay, any scapings he had collected to set the implant had to be used to attempt to repair the defieft in my jawbone, and implant would have to wait.

 

It took me awhile to find out what actually happened, as his ego didn't permit him to fully disclose how bad it was. Sometimes, in rare cases, the root canal can glued itself down onto the bone.

 

Well, it was pretty devestating and painfull. I was already thin, but droped another 25 pounds. I couldn't eat, and was too dizzy to walk, my BP meds were to high for my size we later came to find out.

 

He was talking me, and knew how I was suffering - but seemed not to have compassion. The dog was sleeping on my back, which probably meant something.

 

He has made a concerted effort to be compassionless, if I mention that I got doing something. I have fallen off the ladder, things like that, if I tell him, it's met with complete utter silence. I mean he even saw me looking like a sleliton after that dental problem. I guess he is holding firm to NC, NO EMOTION.

[worldgonewrong]

Keeping my cool, biding my time. Nothing can be gained from being angry.

If anything, this experience is teaching me patience & calm.

At present, she's ignoring my idea to file "married jointly" re taxes. I keep telling her we could get a refund if we do; if not, I most likely get socked with a lil' tax to pay. So far she's ignoring me. Nice n' vindictive. If there's another knife to stick in me, she finds it. tee and hee.

[marqueemoon4]

my man, you seem like a great guy. think of it this way.. would she ever put up this nonsense if you did this to her? my guess is HELL NO. I'm sorry, I cared for and loved my wife, made some big mistakes, etc but you know what? if she doesn't want to be with me its NOT A BIG DEAL. Yes, it sucks not seeing my son every day but really I was never happy with her the short time we were married. let go my brother.. she doesn't deserve you.