ducky28 Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 I have been married for almost 20 years. About 2 years ago we were out and meet up with friends, some ended up coming back to our place. As the evening was ending my husband gave a friend a ride home. She lived about a 1/2 mile from our home and I was unable to drive. To get to the point I was waiting and after a bit I walk ed to where the truck was sitting and opened the door and she was on his lap kissing. i yelled and them and they got out and yes i punched her in the face. my husband and I have talked and he said he is not sure how it all happened and that I am the love of his life. I know it has been 2 years ago but I am having problems with trust and have been told it was just a kiss. I am always asking myself why and what would have happened if I did not open that door. She has moved away and she WAS my best friend up until that point. I do know she has cheated on her husband a lot. Up to this point my husband had never given me a reason not to trust him. I love my husband with all my heart so how do I trust full hearted again, And is kissing someone other than your significant other cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
30Years Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 And is kissing someone other than your significant other cheating? No. Not by a long shot. I don't condone what he did, but things got out of hand and he made a mistake. He may or may not have cheated if you had not interrupted, but you'll never know the answer to that question. It is not fair or healthy to assume the worst. He needs to put forth the effort necessary to regain your trust, and you need to communicate what those needs are. But if you are sill this concerned over a kiss from two years ago, you probably need to seek professional counseling. I don't mean that in a derogatory manner - I only mean that since this has not gone away after this long, a professional would more effectively help you sort out your feelings. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil1 Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 That's terrible ducky28. I'm sorry that you have experienced something like that. I would have a very very difficult time putting something like that behind me as well (and I'm not even married!). I think that LadyGrey has a point, this behaviour was very risky for the two of them to make, and it begs the question, was a kiss all that really happened between them? You said she was sitting on his lap in the car, that action alone should have prompted your husband to push her away. Obviously he was the one driving so he would not have been to drunk to know what was coming next. Furthermore he knew that she was a good friend of yours (not to mention married!), which in my opinion makes it even worse. I would definitely consider this cheating, and I think that deep down you do as well because it has been two years since the offense and you are still affected by it. Maybe couples counseling would be good for the two of you, at least so that he realizes just how much that behavior on his part has hurt you and and your ability to trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ducky28 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Share Posted February 4, 2011 (edited) Thank you they are very helpful Edited February 4, 2011 by ducky28 Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Hmm... I if I had "friend" who I know has cheated on her husband in the past... a LOT as you said in the first post I wouldn't let her be alone with my spouse. Hell, I wouldn't be their friend if they were open about cheating on their spouse, but that is just my own morals. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 opened the door and she was on his lap kissing. Your husband allowed it to happen. She didn't hold a gun to his head. He could have shoved her off and told her NO, get the F off of me now!! MY wife is YOUR bestfriend, what the F is wrong with you!!!!!!!!!!!! But no, he didn't do that. Kissing, groping, grinding, sitting on his lap - It's ALL cheating. He's a fool for thinking it's not a big deal. If you hadn't seen them, how far would it have gone? And are you sure this hasn't happened before? Keep being honest with him, talk it out and if he refuses to show real remorse and regret for what he's done, then you two need to seek out marriage counselling to help fix this otherwise the marriage is going to have alot of problems for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ducky28 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Share Posted February 4, 2011 Hmm... I if I had "friend" who I know has cheated on her husband in the past... a LOT as you said in the first post I wouldn't let her be alone with my spouse. Hell, I wouldn't be their friend if they were open about cheating on their spouse, but that is just my own morals. Hmm... I if I had "friend" who I know has cheated on her husband in the past... a LOT as you said in the first post I wouldn't let her be alone with my spouse. I found out about her cheating on her husband way after this happened. Link to post Share on other sites
AKO87 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I can only really answer the "Is it cheating" question? I think it is. If it isn't then what constitutes "cheating" exactly? Do you have to have full penetration before anything can labeled "cheating"? That would be pretty ridiculous if that was the standard. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 In my opinion, kissing is cheating. What's more worrying is that he refuses to acknowledge that he's in the wrong, and is gaslighting you, saying that you're the one with the problem because it was "only a kiss". Until he acknowledges that he cheated and validates your hurt feelings you will probably find it difficult to move on from this. I have to echo what LadyGrey said - it was a huge risk for them to be kissing like that, and stuff like that doesn't just happen - I'd be suspicious that something else had been going on between them for a while and you just happened to see them kissing. I wouldn't be able to trust a man who had cheated on me; I have a one-strike-and-you're-out policy with regard to cheating. For me the kiss alone would have been enough to end the relationship and move on to a more trustworthy man. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I have been married for almost 20 years. About 2 years ago we were out and meet up with friends, some ended up coming back to our place. As the evening was ending my husband gave a friend a ride home. She lived about a 1/2 mile from our home and I was unable to drive. To get to the point I was waiting and after a bit I walk ed to where the truck was sitting and opened the door and she was on his lap kissing. i yelled and them and they got out and yes i punched her in the face. my husband and I have talked and he said he is not sure how it all happened and that I am the love of his life. I know it has been 2 years ago but I am having problems with trust and have been told it was just a kiss. I am always asking myself why and what would have happened if I did not open that door. She has moved away and she WAS my best friend up until that point. I do know she has cheated on her husband a lot. Up to this point my husband had never given me a reason not to trust him. I love my husband with all my heart so how do I trust full hearted again, And is kissing someone other than your significant other cheating? If she's kissing another dude full on the lips that she's been messing around with, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
AugustWest Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 yes , yes and yes Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Regarding your situation your husband has officially cheated and is unremorseful for his actions. I'm sorry that your husband and your then best friend screwed you over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ducky28 Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 Thank you for the input. He does not want to talk about it because he said it makes him fill stupid for doing something that stupid. The thing I am having trouble with is that i am being told to get rid of him and them told no it was not really cheating. So I wanted to find out what others thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Thank you for the input. He does not want to talk about it because he said it makes him fill stupid for doing something that stupid. The thing I am having trouble with is that i am being told to get rid of him and them told no it was not really cheating. So I wanted to find out what others thought. Of course he is going to tell you it wasn't cheating... he's trying to cover his ass now that he's got it to the fire. Link to post Share on other sites
kvnfrnk Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Well, Its not true that kissing is always considered as cheating, If your partner doesn't know about it and you're hidding this thing, yet. If you kiss but it was known and agreed by everyone, than no. Actually, even thinking about someone without your partner knowing is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
AKO87 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Well, Its not true that kissing is always considered as cheating, If your partner doesn't know about it and you're hidding this thing, yet. If you kiss but it was known and agreed by everyone, than no. Actually, even thinking about someone without your partner knowing is cheating. I agree with the first part. I mean if you, your partner, and the other are all in agreement then that isn't cheating. I don't really consider fantasizing to be cheating though. I think there has to be some kind of physical intimacy there. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Ducky, I think you knew the answer before posting. We are just validating your right to have the feelings you do knowing the truth. We cannot change that reality for you or sugar coat it. Its a sad circumstance to come upon. And no- you will not get that full 100% trust back or heartfelt endearment again, its gone and needs to be brought back up to a comfortable level of loving . Right now you just simply do not trust him despite his remorse. Two key ingredients to move on is to find a time that is non accusatory to speak your mind and express the sorrow or hurt you have been placing under cover. HE is not going to want to dissect it or give reasons, he wants the past left behind and for some they are okay with that. If you had an open supportive relationship you'll know when the time is right to discuss, but on your side you cannot ( and yes this will be your challenge) consistently throw it in his face or entice the matter by bringing it up to often. It needs time to heal , thru stages....you'll know when you are going thru them if you are moving on or stuck in a phase. Link to post Share on other sites
30Years Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Ducky, You're going to hold your husband to the same level of condemnation for kissing a woman as you would had he screwed her? Good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Ducky, You're going to hold your husband to the same level of condemnation for kissing a woman as you would had he screwed her? Good luck with that. Ohh gee another person who uses Bill Clintons mentality to avoid the term "stepping" outside the committed relations. I mean now, lets not go there, stepping out is just that. When Prez Clinton said He didnt have sexual relations with Monica he dug his own grave. Can you honestly say that intimate relations with another person who is not your spouse or committed partner is not stepping out?? I am too old to be snookered.... Link to post Share on other sites
30Years Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Ohh gee another person who uses Bill Clintons mentality to avoid the term "stepping" outside the committed relations. I mean now, lets not go there, stepping out is just that. When Prez Clinton said He didnt have sexual relations with Monica he dug his own grave. Can you honestly say that intimate relations with another person who is not your spouse or committed partner is not stepping out?? I am too old to be snookered.... I've been happily married for 30 years. I might know a thing or two about LTR's. How long have you been married, Tayla? Link to post Share on other sites
Joe Normal Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Assuming it is voluntary (i.e. someone didn't grab your SO and force a kiss on them), and you haven't given permission, then yes, of course it is cheating. Kissing is an intimate act. It is not as bad as having sex, but it is still unacceptable. I would immediately dump or divorce my girlfriend or wife if they kissed someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
AKO87 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I completely agree with Joe Normal. If you don't have a problem with your SO kissing someone else then why not say "go ahead and have sex. I'll go get the camera". Yes that is a bit dramatic, but both kissing and sex are very intimate physical actions. So what is the difference? Is the difference is sex is just more intimate then I think we need to develop some kind of 0-10 scale. You can have sex/full blown cheating at 10, and maybe kissing/light cheating at 6. That seems fair right? Link to post Share on other sites
Macaw Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Of course kissing is cheating. And trust takes longer to rebuild than it ever took to build up in the first place. Considering he broke your trust after 20 or so years, it might take the rest of your lives to get where you were. It's also quite possible that you'll never trust your husband again like you did 5 years ago. It's up to you to think wheather you can live up with that or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Yeah, it's cheating. You have every right to be upset and your friend is trashy. Good luck working this out. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I've been happily married for 30 years. I might know a thing or two about LTR's. How long have you been married, Tayla? Glad your married! Congrats! Not married here and Congrats to myself for being Lady enough to not tolerate the double standards Link to post Share on other sites
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