Who calls who? (tired of cheap guys)

[befuddled11]

Hey!

 

So I have an online personal ad, at a truly reputable site.....I haven't actually been there in a few months (decided to take a break) but I did receive a response a few days ago, from a seemingly nice guy (emphasis on "seemingly" LOL).

 

Now in my profile, I'm pretty clear that I'm looking for someone "local" to me, as I don't have the time or energy to be doing the long distance thing, yuck.

 

He lives 3.5 hrs away, which he may not consider "long distance." I guess it isn't really, but it still sort of is to me. However, he seems like he MIGHT be worth getting to know.

 

But here's the thing, and it's happened many times before.

 

He's emailed me a couple of times....and today he wrote me from work, giving me his home phone #, suggesting that I give him a call (versus tons of emailing back and forth) if I want to. Well....it's long distance. I don't personally feel like racking up my phone bill on some dude who could turn out to be a twit.

 

Now it's possible he just gave me his number because he didn't want to offend my by asking for mine. Or, it could be that he's just really cheap, and is too lazy to get to know one another, at least in basic terms, via email.

 

Color me weird, but I have a fundamental problem with being expected to rack up my phone bill, in order to get to know some stranger. He may only live a few hours away, but with my long distance carrier (and I'm not about to switch), it's very expensive to call....the same cost per minute as it would be to call across the country).

 

How do I respond? *I* don't want to look "cheap" myself....but I feel that since he initiated contact with me, and expressed an interest in getting to know me, it shouldn't "cost me."

 

I'd have no problem with him calling me, I have a second phone line that's totally unlisted.

 

How do you deal with a situation like this? Maybe I'm uptight but I come across this a lot......guys who live even less distance away (doesn't have to be very far away from me to be "long distance phone charges") but wanting ME to call them. It irks me. Maybe if they suggested something like, "if you'd ever want to talk on the phone, just let me know"..and then I'd have the option to give them my number.

 

So, how should I respond?

[Darkangelism]

He might have been testing to see if you were really interested enough to call him. If you want to try make the call.

[dyermaker]

In terms of his motives, it looks to me like you're overthinking.

 

Just say that because of the long-distance issue, you would prefer not to communicate on an expensive medium at this stage of the new relationship. It doesn't make you look cheap, who wants a girl that wastes money all of the time?

[Fancy]

First of all, is there a Sam's Club in your area? They have prepaid calling cards that are dirt cheap. There's no hidden fees, they don't expire, etc. They're great! I've used them for years. In fact, I don't even have a long distance service now. I just use those.

 

I think you should (initially) give the guy the benefit of the doubt and consider that he was probably just being polite and not trying to look like a stalker or anything by asking for your number.

 

Here's what I'd do. I'd call him first and feel him out a little. I can tell from your posts here that you're extremely bright and intuitive. You'll know early on if you want to continue talking. Chat for a little while, then tell him you need to get going (you have an appointment, have to get to bed, or whatever) and then if you feel like it, give him your number and let him make the next move. If you don't like him or he creeps you out, you've lost nothing. He won't have your number. To me, it's worth a small investment to do it this way.

 

Good luck!

[capitald]

Maybe I am old fashioned but doesn't the guy usually call the girl. He is not interested enough in you or is just not that serious about dating and/or seeing people right now. Keep looking and find someone better for yourself.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by capitald

Maybe I am old fashioned but doesn't the guy usually call the girl. He is not interested enough in you or is just not that serious about dating and/or seeing people right now. Keep looking and find someone better for yourself.

 

Yeah, I tend to kind of think along those lines, myself.....but in defense of guys, they might feel a woman would be creeped out (considering you met online) if he were to ask for her phone number. A guy might be concerned with coming across too pushy?

 

But I know where you're coming from.

[moimeme]

These days, it's almost a rule of netiquette that the man offer his number. The woman can reciprocate if she wants to. It's for exactly the reason that people are so fearful of stalkers and other wierdos.

[befuddled11]

Well a lot of guys I've met have just suggested that if I felt comfortable, that maybe we could talk on the phone..then left it up to me as to whether I wanted to offer my number (unlisted) or ask for theirs.

 

It's fine if the guy lives locally, I'd obviously have no problem with this...but considering it's going to cost me, it rubs me the wrong way. I would never respond to someone's ad, who lived a long distance away, and give them my # and expect them to rack up their phone bill to talk to me. I'd never dream of doing that.

 

So not sure how to respond to him, without bringing up the issue of the cost. I guess I could say that I just would prefer to learn more about him via email first...to ensure I feel there's even a need to talk on the phone, then take it from there.

[moimeme]

I dunno. My ld rate is .10/minute so 60 mins is a whole six bucks - cost of a couple of beers (or lattes). People also get ld plans that let them pay one price per month for unlimited time. It's really not that expensive and if the guy is worth it..

[Arabess]

Befuddled,

You are NOT stretching the truth. There seem to be lots of guys out there who expect you to pick up the long distance phone tab. It's been a few years now, but I used to make a joke and say "I'm too cheap to call long distance.". And I'm adamant about it.

 

Now, once a relationship is established, then it's fair to pick up the phone tab once in awhile. Before then though, I'm not going to foot the bill to 'get to know' someone.

 

Could be why I'm single.

 

LOL!

[jenny]

he calls you. period.

 

it's on his dime; he seeks a commodity which you dispense.

 

this continues until the *reciprocal* relationship dictates elsewise.

[moimeme]

ROTFL.

 

Love songs in days of old (sung by both genders)

 

"Ain't no mountain high enough to keep me from you"

 

 

'Love' song, 2004

 

"Three bucks is too damn much for me to call you"

[capitald]

I met a women through a online ad a few weeks back. She liked my ad and she felt safe enough about me from emails only to meet. We have since gone out a few times and she has taken a little more risks each time, i.e. first we meet in a coffee shop, then a diner for dinner, than a museum. Sometimes we just have to trust the world. I think all of this fear and distrust and cynicism in combination with shows like "60 minutes" and "CSI" are partially what create psychos and crazy, dangerous people. Not only do they teach us to be less trusting and more cynical because we think we are going to become a victim of some horrible crime (and thus perhaps alienate us from many otherwise good members of the opposite sex), but they also (like the news) give attention and limelight to people that are seeking attention for doing awful things. I am not making excuses for these people but society is much sicker and repressed than the few individuals that go crazy (partially because of society) and do despicable things.

 

I don't offer my number, I think only a whore would want the guy to offer him her number. If she wants my number and doesn't give me hers that tells me that she is not that interested or that she is just looking for a casual lay sort of thing.

 

Of course, what I am saying here is really for consideration and I do believe that it is a good idea with you ladies and men to be very careful with this anonymous and so to speak "blind date world" of Internet romance because there are bad people out there. Just be sure also not to be too cynical or distrusting.

[moimeme]

I think only a whore would want the guy to offer him her number

 

Oh fergawdsakes

[jenny]

whoa whoa whoa.

 

officially distancing myself from the 'whores give numbers' concept. i just believe in women protecting themselves, emotionally.

[moimeme]

Well I believe in women protecting themselves period. Bottom line, he can give me his number and if he passes muster, he can have mine. I have made first phone calls from work. But then, I have a friend who was stalked.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by Fancy

First of all, is there a Sam's Club in your area? They have prepaid calling cards that are dirt cheap. There's no hidden fees, they don't expire, etc. They're great! I've used them for years. In fact, I don't even have a long distance service now. I just use those.

 

I think you should (initially) give the guy the benefit of the doubt and consider that he was probably just being polite and not trying to look like a stalker or anything by asking for your number.

 

Here's what I'd do. I'd call him first and feel him out a little. I can tell from your posts here that you're extremely bright and intuitive. You'll know early on if you want to continue talking. Chat for a little while, then tell him you need to get going (you have an appointment, have to get to bed, or whatever) and then if you feel like it, give him your number and let him make the next move. If you don't like him or he creeps you out, you've lost nothing. He won't have your number. To me, it's worth a small investment to do it this way.

 

Good luck!

Befuddled - I was going to write a reponse, but this one was so right on that I would just be repeating what she said. I think she's right. Don't overthink.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by capitald

I think only a whore would want the guy to offer him her number.

Wait, wouldn't a whore want the guy to give her his number? For repeat business?

[clia]

Befuddled,

 

Just reply to his e-mail and say:

 

Talking on the phone sounds great! My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.

 

 

Then the ball is in his court and you don't have to worry about it!

[capitald]

Women giving up their role in the whole romance game really points to the state of the world as it is right now, Bush is driving this country so into the ground that everyone, male and female, wants to give up. I can describe this as nothing less than a horror.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by moimeme

I dunno. My ld rate is .10/minute so 60 mins is a whole six bucks - cost of a couple of beers (or lattes). People also get ld plans that let them pay one price per month for unlimited time. It's really not that expensive and if the guy is worth it..

 

Well that is what *your* plan is, that doesn't mean mine has those rates, for it doesn't. I pay about 35cents per minute after 6pm, it's a lot higher prior to 6pm. I have no need to sign up and pay $25 a month for a long distance plan like yours, as I never make long distance calls. Between 2 phone lines (which I need both) and a cell phone/plan, I pay over $160 a month just for these, that's more than enough, and I'm not willing to pay more.

 

Getting to "know someone" shouldn't cost money, IMO. It's exactly why we have email, so that people meeting "this way" can spend the time exchanging enough information so that you get a good idea as to whether you're both on the same page. I've spent oodles of hours over the past few years, talking to guys I've met (through online personals), on the phone......only to find out after much conversation that they were either loony, liars (seeing someone/really married), stalker-types, players, not really serious about getting to know someone, serial daters. These were almost ALWAYS the type to want to move immediately from email to phone conversations.....not even wanting to share the "basics" about themselves by email .....giving lame reasons about not liking to type, having a crappy internet connection, having a crappy computer, finding email "lame", etc.

 

I don't even know enough about this particular guy to know whether I'd even WANT to talk to him. Does he have children? It says he's divorced..well for how long? (did he just get divorced or is his version of divorce being "separated"?), is he employed? does he live on his own? etc.

 

I just don't see any point wasting my money calling him (I'm surely not desperate) and spending my dime to do so, when he's the one who initiated contact with me.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Arabess

Befuddled,

You are NOT stretching the truth. There seem to be lots of guys out there who expect you to pick up the long distance phone tab. It's been a few years now, but I used to make a joke and say "I'm too cheap to call long distance.". And I'm adamant about it.

 

Now, once a relationship is established, then it's fair to pick up the phone tab once in awhile. Before then though, I'm not going to foot the bill to 'get to know' someone.

 

Could be why I'm single.

 

LOL!

 

Yeah, no doubt, hey? LOL

 

I can't tell you how many times I've had a guy respond to my ad...barely saying "hello,how are you?" and he'll write, "here's my number, call me"

 

And 8 times out of 10, he's "long distance."

 

Like dude, are you clueless? Do I look desperate? Does this M.O. really work for you? ROFLMAO

 

[moimeme]

Between 2 phone lines (which I need both) and a cell phone/plan, I pay over $160 a month

 

Holy bundle of bucks! That's dreadful!

 

Getting to "know someone" shouldn't cost money, IMO

 

Dates cost money, though.

 

These were almost ALWAYS the type to want to move immediately from email to phone conversations.....not even wanting to share the "basics" about themselves by email .....giving lame reasons about not liking to type, having a crappy internet connection, having a crappy computer, finding email "lame", etc.

 

Interesting. That's not my experience or that of one of my friends who does internet dating a fair bit.

 

I know that AIM has voice chat capability. I've not used it but wonder if that's an option. Me, I like talking to people and prefer it to email now, since I type so much anyway. I've learned a good deal more about people from talking to them.

[capitald]

Well, i can say that I called the girl I am seeing, and we had a fun date tonight, proving my point. She was waiting to see if I was going to call. The game doesn't change and only bitter seeds want to distort the true picture of reality.

 

This girl I have been seeing is smart too. We haven't chatted on the phone once. Its such a cheap form of communication, people that think they are getting "real life" over the phone are being cheated. Nothing beats sending letters or in person. Maybe I am just old fashioned.