a fish wondering if she's being hooked or baited

[dumbstruck]

ok....this is my shot at looking for some form of advice over a guy that i have been very intrigued with since meeting him over a year ago. (end of 2002) i guess i'll attempt to summarize the confusion and why my brain is a pan of scrambled eggs....bear with the diatribe....

 

i met my friend "evan" through my now ex-boyfriend and we immediately got along. "evan" was involved with a woman he's been going back and forth with for six years. i had been with my guy of the moment for about a year....and i had relocated to his area to be with him and everything. we hung out with each other as couples a few times, but evan and his girl were always arguing, to the point of where they had to leave the room and take it elsewhere. my guy and i were on the rocks as well....so two disfuntional couples hanging out...imagine that. "evan" and i never had much for "moments" whenever him and my guy would hang out, but i felt an odd connection with him, even though "evan" and i live in two different states and are both terribly busy people. i've never even kissed this guy.

 

well, summer goes by and august rolls around and i recieve my first personal e-mail from "evan" who stated that his girlfriend had left him and was pretty down and out about it. ironically, my guy and i had split up the month before. i am assuming due to us both being broken hearted (i was dumped) we started casually e-mailing...when the flirty messages insued. he began making promises to treat me well, but warning that he has been known to start fires with his "friends he likes to go down on." i kept my guard up, and whenever he felt he had offended me would appologize endlessly until i was "alright." he also kept bringing my ex up, how he was avoiding hurting my ex at all costs...even though my ex was aware of us communicating and was wishing me happiness with whatever.

 

this lasted up until i saw him when he was in my area in december. my ex (whom i am good friends with to this day) and i went out to hang with "evan" and his friends at a bar, and there was a new tension between us since we had started communicating. he kept his fliting up with a girl that was with him and his buddies, i kept my attention at flirting with othert guys.....until the time stopping "moment" between the two of us that stirred up a loud silence between our friends who couldn't help but catch this intense staredown changed everything.

 

last call happened, and we had an intense embrace outside the bar, said we were building something concrete and we knew each other better than we believed.....whispered a few sweet nothings, kissed my forehead...and that was it.

 

we continued with the e-mails.....then, the last week of february (2004)...it took another turn. i had some nasty news brought to my attention, and was in a horribly crushed and a wreck, and unloaded to "evan" about my heart-ache. he ended up writing me the longest note he's ever sent to me telling me that "everything was gonna be alright, that i was hot and the perfect guy would come if i just stayed patient and be myself"...yaddayadda. the good advice all friends like to give, with flirts thrown in on top of it. i phrased that i better not be just another hot chick he was trying to nail.....and he took offense that he was simply trying to say i was hot, and amazing. we've both have been noted at thinking and speaking the exact same way. i mean, we both liked each other, but we both thought the other hated the other...do you see why this is so CRAZY??

 

our emails soon became these riddles that confused us both...not knowing if one liked the other. "hold my hand" type stuff that you can't tell if it's platonic or beyond. when i finally said "hey. we should just start calling each other." he sent a letter in agreement, and he said that "we totally dig each other and we don't even know it. what kind of crazy situation is this?" followed by "we need to either f*** on a floor or box in a ring, because this communicating thin with emails has gotten us both twisted." he then dropped his digits. i was sky high, for i have developed a crush on him....a while ago. i waited to call a few days later....the first call was short and akward...both of us nervous as to what to say. he confirmed to me that i wasn't just another hot chick, that he holds tons of respect for me...we had to remain bigger than the b.s. if we were going to be friends..." mentioned that he had been dumped again by another girl after his long-term girl. things seemed to be opening up.

 

the next phonecall happened a little over a week ago, and lasted over a half an our, where we mostly talked about sex...who we were screwing "in-between"...i haven't been with a man for 9 months...he was kinda seeing an older woman and engaging in drunk sex with his ex. i played casual friend and listened to this all....i joked about being offered to pose nude for a website, to which he forbid me to do, even though he was trying to pursuade his ex to do it for the same website. (but forbid ME??) after this converstation, i assumed that we had established the friend status, and i was cool with how things were going...since he had confirmed that he DIDN'T have a woman/girlfriend to be mad at him for talking with me. (you know how women get) and "wasn't looking to play catch with anyone...just scrabble."

 

and i was totally in tune with this all....or so i thought. i ended up landing on another nasty day this past week...sent off another note, and he wrote back with the curveball of the century. he wrote that he believed he was "falling in love" with a girl out in the same town as me! he never even mentioned her once before this!! after this confession, he then stated that there was "more to come after these messages." THEN...proceeded to write that "everything was going to be O.K." because he "had a dream where he spoke to me over the phone" and even though it was "just my voice" i ended up "calming HIM down perfect."

 

first off, how is that consoling to me after confiding as a friend? and why state that you aren't interested in anyone like that, until OUT OF NOWHERE?? i was very confused, i ended up speaking with him very breifly over the phone. he is out of the counrty for five weeks, and i was causal again....like, "hey suddenly some girl?? this is good right?" i'd like to be happy for my friend, but was hurt if he had been playing with my head when he knows i do dig him. and he is known for metaphorically speaking about people by using different names for them. like, a friend of mine contemplated that maybe he's feeling these things for ME and doesn"t know how to express it due to his confusion, hectic schedule and potential rebounding. but he said i "was the ONLY person he could speak with this to??" what about her? and why me if you won't tell me anything anyway???

 

he didn't get into any details about her at all over the last phonecall...said it was pretty sudden, but made absolutely certain that I was still going to email him while he was gone. (asking me twice!) when i asked if it was still going to be cool that o speak with him and such (i just don't like causing stupid drama) he again said "yes. i told you i don't have a girlfriend." so, this girl he's falling for out of nowhere isn't girlfriend material either?

 

i just want to be sure that i haven't been placed in a bad scenario, and what the hell is this guy's problem? it's been so confusing because there was flirting, we both totally dig each other, and suddenly he throws this mess in right before he leaves the country for over a month? does he like me, am i being used in some strange way? he has initiated alot of this....i have tried to remain as cool as possible and not jump to any conclusions, but i was wondering if he was wanting me to pursue or backoff or what? he's a total chick magnet....huge sex appeal and a semi-public figure. i have guys mobbing me constantly but am really selective at who gets to spend the time with me. also...our age difference is almost eight years (he's older) AAAAAnd he has a child that is eight years old.

 

i will be so greatful if anyone has any idea as to what his deal is, and should i not bother e-mailing him when he's gone? or completely blow him off all together?? everyone has told me that it could go either way, and the only person that knows is out of the country and didn't say anything even though i'm the only one he can talk to about this?? any help??

[befuddled11]

2 things.

 

1) He sounds like a total flirtatious, time-wasting player.

 

2) This "out of the blue" girl he's fallen in love with that just happens to live in your same town. YOU? Maybe it was his cryptic way of spilling the beans, all the while hoping he'd get his point across but still being vague, in case you were freaked out about his revelation --- and to see what kind of "reaction" you'd give him.

 

I dunno. I've had good guy friends like this before....charmers, funny, great friends to yap with about everything under the sun, there's definite chemistry between us but it just feels more "right" to be friends/pals/buddies........the kind of guy you COULD fall for, but the kind of guy who's got gals all over the place.

 

This statement of his:

 

"he began making promises to treat me well, but warning that he has been known to start fires with his "friends he likes to go down on."

 

To me, that's a pretty "telling" statement/admission. In other words, it goes back to my sense that he's a flirty player and is fairly open about it.

[dumbstruck]

yeah...it continues to get even more strange.

i had sent him a friendly hope your flight was ok deal....and implied that i was

"more interested in knowing who he really was, not what he's supposed to be," and if he evenr needed

to, to feel free and dump on me."

 

i asked him why he wasn't discussing things with this other girl, and just me. and that i would

whoop her silly if she screwed up on him. as i said, i have no problems being this guy's friend...but

i don't want to sabbotage any feelings he may have for this new "mystery girl."

 

we had joked and flirted with the idea of phone sex and me directing a homemade porno for him....all to which i took as harmless since we were talking about it over the phone with no way of actually

engaging in it anytime soon....and i had basically written that we probably shouldn't even toy with the thoughts with a new girl in coming into his limelight.

 

he surprised me when he had responded immediately....(he's overseas right now) with a note that remained completely vague.....him saying that the card was great. and then wrote:

"oh yes. and friends are friends. you can share all the phone sex with me that you want. and about that homemade movie....hmmm....what do you think?" and he ended with yet another "more to come."

 

this guy is totally mental.....or i dunno what he's on....or WHAT.....?