kinsey Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Would you marry someone who never apologized? That's my broad question, and that's probably what one of the over-arching problems is, although I could probably add a question about respecting my property. At first when I found this site I wasn't going to post all the details of the straw that broke the camel's back, as they don't matter, but f* it, I need to feel heard right now. My bf and I are currently living together, and we have 2 dogs - one that I brought into the relationship, and a puppy that he adopted last week, and who obviously is not house-broken. The short story: puppy pees on carpet, I clean it up with an old towel and leave the towel there because I was distracted/busy and forgot about it; bf sees towel, throws it into my laundry basket full of clothes, doesn't apologize when I ask him not to do that, and then he yells at me for leaving the towel on his rug to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kinsey Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 Yesterday I got home from work, took the dogs outside, watched the puppy do her business, and then got to work on all the dozens of little things that people need to do when they get home from work and still have more work and chores to take care of. Not 10 minutes later the puppy peed on the rug. We were out of papertowels, so I used an old cloth towel to clean up the mess, and then as a combination of being distracted/busy and not wanting to accidentally step on the wet spot in my bare feet I left the towel over the accident. Bf gets home from work, is annoyed about the towel left on the floor and makes a short-tempered, irritated remark; I say something along the lines of "sorry I was busy/distracted and I guess I forgot to pick it up." Bf picks up the towel, but I'm not paying attention to what he does with it, as I'm still busy trying to finish work, pick up the house, watch the dogs, and change for dinner. A couple hours later I recall how another time the puppy had an accident and bf cleaned it up and then threw the dirty wet towel into MY laundry basket on top of my dirty clothes, which I was not happy about, but had never mentioned to him, thinking it was an accident. So I ask him what he did with the towel. Instead of just answering he wants to know why I'm asking, then makes me ask him specifically if he threw the dirty towel in my laundry pile, to which he retorts: you mean did I put the towel on the pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom? Yeah, that's what you do with dirty laundry...and then he goes off on me for leaving the towel on the floor and acts like I committed a crime by having a laundry basket of clothes in the bathroom. No apology, just yelling at me and acting like it's no big deal and I'm being ridiculous for not being happy that he put a towel covered in urine on top of my clothes! Incidentally, my bf is incredibly picky and meticulous about the care of HIS laundry - for example, all his tshirts and jeans have to be turned inside out to go in the wash, and have to be dried in a very specific manner that includes exact timing in the drier and then air drying, and 70% of his clothes he sends to the dry cleaners - even the ones that are not dry clean only (and no I am not talking about suits or sweaters; my bf has the most casual wardrobe ever). Yes, he is like that about his own clothes, but evidently his 15 year old area rug that HIS puppy pees on every day is more important than MY clothes. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Make sure you never run out of paper towels. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Apologizing is the least of your problems here. Reading the whole story, it is obvious that he is bothered by your dirty clothes in the bathroom, and is bothered by you leaving the urine towel on the floor. But instead of talking about either of those issues, he is passive aggressive and puts the urine towel on your dirty clothes (something that would upset him, and was intended to upset you). Sounds like you need a hamper, paper towels, and a communication class Link to post Share on other sites
Author kinsey Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) Apologizing is the least of your problems here. Reading the whole story, it is obvious that he is bothered by your dirty clothes in the bathroom, and is bothered by you leaving the urine towel on the floor. But instead of talking about either of those issues, he is passive aggressive and puts the urine towel on your dirty clothes (something that would upset him, and was intended to upset you). Sounds like you need a hamper, paper towels, and a communication class Check on the hamper. Agree with the paper towels. Not sure what else could possibly have been said about the towel on the floor - despite his attitude, I apologized, and it's the first time that has happened, so it's not as though I do it every day knowing that it irritates him. I really don't get how it's not OK for a towel to be on a wet spot on the floor, but it's perfectly acceptable for it to be on top of my clothes. If one is disgusting, how is the other not disgusting? I really don't see what his problem is or why he doesn't get it. I know that the larger relationship issue for me is that he never apologizes for anything, which makes me feel invalidated. I'm mad about the clothes thing, but not sure if I'm being irrational because I'm annoyed that he never apologizes, if that makes sense. Edited February 5, 2011 by kinsey Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I really don't get how it's not OK for a towel to be on a wet spot on the floor, but it's perfectly acceptable for it to be on top of my clothes. If one is disgusting, how is the other not disgusting? I really don't see what his problem is or why he doesn't get it.. Of course he knows it is disgusting to put it on your clothes. That's why he put it there. It's called passive aggression. Instead of being direct and telling you that it bothers him to find gross towels on the floor or dirty clothes in the bathroom, he puts the gross towel on your stuff. He's "punishing" you for leaving the towel on the floor, AND for leaving your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kinsey Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 Of course he knows it is disgusting to put it on your clothes. That's why he put it there. It's called passive aggression. Instead of being direct and telling you that it bothers him to find gross towels on the floor or dirty clothes in the bathroom, he puts the gross towel on your stuff. He's "punishing" you for leaving the towel on the floor, AND for leaving your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. Ah, I see. My clothes are in a laundry basket in the bathroom (where his basket is also - because he's so picky about his clothes, and can't seem to remember that my bras don't go in the dryer we don't do each other's laundry), and he did verbally express his disgust and displeasure about the towel being on the floor. Is that still passive aggressive or is he just being a jerk? Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Is that still passive aggressive or is he just being a jerk? It's without a doubt passive aggresive as he highly values making sure (his) clothes are well kept according to your explanation earlier in the thread. Why should your clothes be any different? This is not the end of the world, but you do need to communicate about it and get it figured out, that is one of the main components of a healthy relationship. Good communication is often not as simple as it may seem, make it a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonno_S Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) Wow. Clearly throwing the towel on your stuff is his way of saying, "I hate when you leave this on the floor." He is angry that you have not respected his requirement of not having the towel left on the floor. Why do you do it if you know it makes him mad? What a f-ing child, IMHO (him, not you). Not saying sorry is the least of the issues here and I daresay you'll never get one anyway. While this won't address the bigger issues, why not just set up a second hamper basket for piss-towels only? Also, google this: "What Shamu Taught me about my Marriage." Edited February 5, 2011 by Jonno_S Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 One usually changes behavior after they apologize.Or at minimum become MORE AWARE of the matter.The *forgetfullness" or "oops got busy" is also quantative of passive/aggressive (though on a subconscious level) . Apologies need to carry the clause of "thanks for letting me know I offended you I shall be more respectful of how that affacts us and you in particular". ITs not just words, its an action.....Tossing sorries around doesnt change things. Maybe he is more of an action changer when he is in the wrong...Or cant he admit he errored in judgement or behavior? "HE" needs to be more tolerant as you seem quiet the mover and shaker for getting things done. Express that he be more active in the housebreaking of the pet to ease this tension. Control, and inability to admit wrongs are not an ingredient in a solid relations. Nip this matter now as it only progresses to an intolerable level down the road. ALthough I sense its already hitting that stage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kinsey Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 In my defense, I do not habitually leave towels on the floor, or forget about them. It happened one time. Link to post Share on other sites
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