Questions about my Teen Age Daughter (really Long)

[Leviia]

Ok so a bit of a background. My oldest daughter (now 13) has had a history with impulse control issues. When she was in 1st grade we started getting calls from school because she had very aggressive reactions to other kids and then would later not remember what she did.

 

Ex. On her way to the drinking fountain a little girl cut in front of her and she slammed the kids head down onto the fountain and then walked away like nothing happened. When the teacher confronted her she scared the teacher by having a weird "blank" look when asked why she did what she did. And that "blank" look comment has come from alot of other teachers. They have explained it as her forgetting what she did or having no recollection of it at all. We started taking her to her pediatrician and getting her counseling and she was put in an AdHd med. It seemed to be working with the help of counseling, adjustments and teacher feedback we kept her on track. It's been difficult over the years as we've had to keep an eye on her 100%.

 

Ok so 5 years ago my Ex and I split up , I had caught him cheating on me while I was pregnant with our 3rd daughter. I kicked him out and told him not to come back until he got rid of her. Well he didn't, he moved to another town with her, and they had a son exactly 9 months after I had our 3rd daughter. They scheduled her C-Section on what would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. Now things have been very hard for me, but I've been in counseling for awhile and I had been taking care of our kids almost exclusively on my own for the last 5 years.

 

I can't watch her 24/7, I called the school constantly, always made sure I knew what she was doing where she was, when she would get home I would ask her about her day and what homework she had. I made rules and bounderies for her (well for all my kids). I'm not harsh.. I do try to let her make her own decisions. All my kids have had chores, even when my kids were little (around 1 yr old) basic pick up your own toys before snack time all the regular rules. She's fought me constantly. Her father having moved 40 minutes away, wasn't much help and I got to the point last year where I just could not do it on my own anymore. So I decided to move to the same town he was in. My mom lives here too and I have since decided to go back to college to get my degree in physical therapy as I have been a CNA for the last 2 years. The hours are hard and very unforgiving on a single mom. (THe pay isn't that good either lol)

 

So we moved at the beginning of January of this year. New school, new friends, new start for her and her father has been taking a VERY active role now which really helps me out stress wise SO much.

 

So anyway here's the problem. She's worse than ever!!! Last year before the 2010 school year she had wanted to join the volleyball team and everyone was really excited. I took her to the sign ups in the summer and her father was proud that she was showing an interest in something sporty. So he decided that he wanted to get her a cell phone with limited number of minutes for calling and texting for easier contact and stuff for practices, games and what not for school. She was so happy about it and I had thought it was a good idea as well to give her lots of positive reinforcement for her good behavior. We both had told her that this cell phone is a priviledge and that her grades had to stay above 80 and she had to be responsible with it. We laid down the rules and told her that we were so proud of her trying so hard and showing interest in the good parts of her life... and she was so excited... until one weekend her father had her (Now this is before we moved this year).

 

Her dad called me on a Saturday night .. it had been a really long time that I hadn't had all my kids on a weekend (like MONTHS) when I get a phone call. Her father. He was livid and explained to me that she had taken some inappropriate pictures of her private parts and had sent them to some boy she met online in another state. ONLINE???? I was so mad I was yelling HOW in the hell had she met someone online??? Not at MY house!!! No way!!! My computer has a password so she can't get into it and it's changed once a week, I check history, auto save forms AND she's never allowed to use the computer unless I am in the house!!!! He isn't so strict .... so SOMEHOW she met some kid while playing some game online .. when we dug deeper this kid turned out to be NOT a 14 year old boy but a 17 year old druggy kid that used the facebook her dad had let her make to get not only HER but a lot of her friends from school to argue about him and THEY had done the same thing to "prove" their love to him.

 

Needless to say we not only pressed charges but contacted this kids parents AND the kids parents he was pretending to be. The sherriff came to the house (by my request) to scare the bejeezus out of my kid by telling her how dangerous it was and he took her to the station to show her what COULD have happened if it had been some dirty old man and it shocked and scared the crap out of her.

 

 

So anyway anytime in the past that we haven;t watched this kid 24/7 she does something REALLY stupid .. I mean dangerously stupid. I know kids are suppose to make mistakes. I know they have to learn from these and it's my job as a parent to teach her this but ... my god she's worse than ever now.

 

not only does she have ME here but her father as well and now he sees just how BAD she is. She's lying non stop about stupid stuff she doesn't HAVE to lie about. Staying after school .. instead of doing what she says she goes and does something else. We've both told her .. if you want to stay after school in the library with friends that's fine but just TELL us that's what you are doing not LIE about it. Like she says she is staying after for math help (which she is failing yet again) but instead she goes and hangs out in the library. She is now not allowed to stay after unless a teacher calls one of us and tells us and she HAS to stay in that room till the end of the class.

 

Also while unpacking I found letters to a "friend " of hers about some boy she was supposedly dating last year ... she's only freaking 13 and she's lying through her teeth about boys.. I KNOW that's normal and I am not hear this but my god she has gotten so good at lying that even WE can't tell her lies from the truth anymore.

 

She's since found "another" boyfriend at this school and has told me that her dad and his GF said it was ok as long as she told me about it.. WTF??? NO IT IS NOT OK FOR MY 13 YR OLD TO DATE SOME BOY WHILE FAILING SCHOOL!!!! So I confrtoned him and .. nope that is NOT what he told her ... she's playing us big time as she told her father that I have been calling her a bitch .... my god I've called her a brat sometimes but I have NEVER ever called her any bad name at all....

 

And shes done the same to me about her dad so now we both talk to each other RIGHT in front of her about things she has said so she can NOT get away with playing us against each other. She's mean and nasty to her sisters, to me and to everyone basically.

 

Yes she is in counseling, no she is not on any meds right now as the last one she was on (Concerta) just stopped working. We are trying to get her a more professional evaluation to see what we can do.

 

 

Anyone have any advice for me?? I'm really so tired and heartbroken from this. I keep thinking I have done so many things wrong but I have tried so hard to do what's right for my kids. I try to raise them right and to give them enough space to make their own decisions but also where I can see and stop anything that may harm them. I'm so lost now and I don't know what to do!!!!!

[bentnotbroken]

Is counseling a possibility. I mean intensive, maybe even in group for a little while.

[fooled once]

First of all, you can't protect her from everything.

 

Kids use computers. Kids use cell phones.

 

I am not saying being lax, but you seem to be suffocating her - she lies because she has 'no' freedom, per say. sometimes when parents are TOO strict, the kid will fight everything just because they have 'no control' over their lives.

 

My suggestions:

 

take the door off her bedroom. Until she learns to be respectful, she has no privacy.

 

put grounding in place - for a set amount of time and firm boundaries. It can't be for 2 months and no talking to anyone. Set it for 2 weeks per incident and then restrict use of the phone/computer, etc.

 

sit and talk to her - in a calm environment. Sit and let her talk - ask her open ended questions - not yes or no questions. Find out what is going on in her head.

 

do not continue to use the past against her. Don't bring up past incidents - stay focused on the present.

 

Learn to trust her. Learn to listen to her. Learn to respect her.

 

Raising kids is NOT easy. She sounds spoiled and accepts no responsibility for what she has done. Regarding pressing charges against the 17 year old - what happened punishment wise to your daughter? For all you know, she told the 17 year old she was 17. Don't blame HIM - put the blame where it belongs - on your daughter.

 

She is striking out because she feels she has no control over her life. She feels suffocated. I am not saying you are suffocating her - but she is 13. Many 13 year olds are no longer virgins. Be careful with how strict you are or she is going to make sex the next thing she does.

 

FAMILY counseling and individual counseling.

 

Good luck!

[Leviia]

I use grounding, and usually only a week at a time. She has no cell phone anymore and she sent this kid pictures because he told her he was 14 ... She's done other things in the past that have caused red flags. I'm strict and "suffocating" because at anytime in the past the minute I try to relax she did something TOTALLY inappropriate.

 

Yes she's in counseling.

 

And yes she was punished as well because I had a talk with her about internet predators but kids never listen ... I know I was a pain in the butt with my parents lol. She has temper problems, and we've been dealing with impulse control issues since she was little.

[FreeNow]

I know this thread is a little old, but thought it important enough for you and your daughter for this to be posted.

 

Please consider Dialectical behavior therapy. Make sure the therapist practicing is well trained in it and hopefully specializes in that only. Do it now before she gets any older.